Be Curious, Not Furious – A Tip To Improve Communication In Your Marriage
August 10, 2023
Being Curious, Not Furious
Being open and receptive to your partner is one way you can be part of the solution and not part of the problem. One of the tips I use with my couples in session is the reminder to be curious, not furious.
In healthy conversation between a couple, when one of you brings up a complaint or a concern, the partner will be receptive.”Hey, tell me more. I’m interested. Help me understand.” On the other hand, if you are meeting your partner’s complaints with rebuttals “That’s not true”, or trying to problem solve, then you are likely part of the problem and not part of the solution. We want to be receptive when our partner speaks and communicates. Being receptive will encourage your partner to be more willing to share with you. Likewise, when you have a concern or complaint, your partner will be more willing to be understanding of your concerns and give you the time to hear you out.
How it Works
So when I say ‘curious, not furious’, here’s what I mean. Oftentimes when our partner says something that we don’t like, we react in the moment. We get triggered. We get angry or upset or defensive, and we respond in kind.
Being curious instead of furious, means pressing pause on that instant reaction of anger or frustration and instead responding in a way that helps you learn more about how your spouse is really feeling. That might sound like “Tell me more.” or “Help me understand why you think XYZ.” For example, if your partner says to you “You are not a safe place to come to.”, you have a choice on how to respond.
You can respond defensively and say “Of course I am a safe place. Here are all the things I do and ways that I’m safe..” Or, you can try to solve the problem, “You wouldn’t feel that way if you….”. These kinds of responses keep couples stuck in an unhealthy cycle.
Next time you find yourself in one of these conversations, I want to encourage you to come at your spouse from a place of curiosity. “Help me understand why you feel I’m not a safe person to come to. Why does it feel hard to talk to me?” By asking these kinds of open-ended questions, you are able to learn more about what it is that your partner’s trying to say and your partner is more likely to feel heard.
We can all practice being a little bit more curious, not furious and it will change the dynamics of our conversations with each other.
My clients actively practice this communication tool and I hope it also helps you.
-Elsa
How healthy is your marriage?
ready to have a conversation?
You may also like:
How do I know if my Spouse is Having an Affair?
How do I know if my spouse is having an affair? November 11, 2018Our culture today seems to feed on stories of infidelity. Our televisions and social media are constantly flooded with news of the latest scandals in Hollywood or professional sports. But the stories...
What is a Relationship Coach?
What is a Relationship Coach? October 22, 2018 Watch this week as Kim unravels the mystery of what "relationship coaching" is and why it might be the PERFECT fit for you and your situation. Our staff at The Marriage Place hosts weekly training sessions with our...
What is Relationship Coaching?
What is relationship coaching? October 15, 2018 We get inquiries from people all over the world looking for help and curious to know exactly what is this ‘Relationship Coaching’ we do. Put in simplest terms, a relationship coach partners with their client to provide...
"*" indicates required fields
0 Comments