Women, Do You Struggle With Wanting To Have Sex?

May 17, 2023

I think one of the hardest things for couples to deal with after they say “I do” is realizing that they’re going to struggle with sex. Specifically, how often they have sex. It seems like before you’re married, everybody’s on board and it’s all hands on deck, so to speak. But after marriage, things change and it can be really difficult to navigate through those changes.

So, here’s a tip I want to give women.

I mostly want to speak to the women today, and specifically to those of you who are in healthy relationships and married to good men. You feel good about your relationship, but you just don’t have any desire for sex. There aren’t any physical reasons for that or any relationship issues that can otherwise kill a sex drive really quickly. Often, I’ll hear you say things like “I could go the rest of my life and never have sex and be fine.” Or, “I want to want to have sex, Kim, and I just don’t.”

So let’s talk about how to stimulate your libido. Here is why that’s important – it’s empowering.

A lot of us feel like we just don’t want sex and we don’t know what to do about it. We may go to the doctor and report we have low libido. We’re tired, or we’re depressed or whatever, and then we work on those things and still have no libido. So what’s the deal? What’s happening? For many of us, it’s that we are juggling so many roles. We have to be the mom, the wife, the employee, the daughter, the sister. There are a lot of roles we have to play and we run ourselves ragged taking care of everyone else.

I want you to think back to before you got married, when you were just dating and you did have desire. What was different?

What was happening for many of us was that our lives were a lot less complicated, but we also spent time fostering desire within us. We took care of ourselves better. We pampered ourselves a little bit. We dressed up to go on dates. We made sure our hair looked good, our makeup was on, we dressed our best, and we felt confident.

We thought about spending time together and felt the excitement. We thought about making out or having sex and it all stoked the fire a little bit. Now fast forward, and we are in a marriage where we may be married to husbands who, quite frankly, think our boobs belong to them. They are constantly grabbing at us, the kids are grabbing at us, and it just feels like, give me time to breathe!!

Does that feel familiar?

If you really want to want to have sex, some of this may have to start with what goes on inside of your head. It may mean taking some time to care for yourself, to pamper yourself a little bit. Maybe you go to the spa, or get your hair and nails done. Spend some time and money on the things that make you feel pretty and special.

If it feels selfish or self-indulgent, it’s not. It is you being able to show up in your life confidently and feel good about yourself. If you’ve become sluggish because you’re running after three kids, get a personal trainer, take a yoga class or just go for a walk around the neighborhood. Make sure you do it because when you move your body, your body starts to feel better and it starts to look better. And when it feels better and looks better, you feel more like sex.

We often get confused about what causes women to desire sex, and I’m telling you, it begins with what goes on in your head. Most women aren’t wired to wake up and just want to jump her man’s bones. That’s just not how most of us are wired. But, our husbands often are wired that way. When we compare ourselves to them, it feels like, man, they are always ready. They’re always on, and I am not. There must be something wrong with me.

Give yourself the environment and the chance to foster desire. Revisit the things that used to make you feel sexy, the things that used to make you want to be close to your husband in a physical way.

Start there and see if that doesn’t help. That’s just a marriage pro tip for the day.

Kim