Stop Having Bad Sex. Improve Your Sex Life With This Tip
April 11, 2023
As some of you may know, I’m currently on a journey to becoming a certified sex therapist. I am thoroughly enjoying the continuum of sex therapy and being able to share my learnings with all of you.
There’s one thing in particular that I want to share with you that can help couples who are struggling in the bedroom with lack of desire or desire differences.
Your Sexual Likes & Dislikes
Take a minute and consider your current sex life with your partner. Ask yourself two questions.
- What is it about sex with your partner that you enjoy most?
- What is it that you don’t enjoy?
For many couples these things go undiscussed, which is unfortunate because as I often say, if you can’t talk about sex, you probably shouldn’t be having sex.
Sex is a Motivation Incentive System
Sex is a motivation incentive system. It means the more you enjoyed the last time you had sex, the more likely you are to enjoy having sex the next time.
If we think about sex like it’s a cookie, the more you enjoyed that first chocolate chip cookie, the more likely you are to crave another one. And another one.
But what If instead of a warm, fresh from the oven, chocolate chip cookie, you get a bite of a cold stale vanilla water? How likely will you be to crave another one later this week?
Stop Having Bad Sex
I know that sounds funny – I mean who really wants to have bad sex? – but I’m serious.
If you want to enjoy sex more, you need to consider what it is that you don’t like when you’re having sex. Maybe the room is too cold. Maybe you hear the kids in the background. Maybe, it’s hurting. Maybe there is something else on your mind.
Whatever it might be, I want you to stop and say, “Hey partner, this is what’s going on for me.” Opening up that communication will make a huge difference in your sex life and in your relationship.
Sometimes your partner may like what you have to say and enjoy knowing what you like or don’t like because it makes sex more intimate. It makes you present. Other times, your partner may be frustrated in the moment, but by communicating, it gives you both the opportunity to work on making the experience even better.
Turning Bad Sex Into Great Sex
So I want you to start talking to your partner about what it is that you don’t like about that moment.
Give your partner a chance to help you resolve the problem and create a sexual experience you can both fully enjoy so much that you can’t wait for Round 2. And when you start wanting to have more sex, your partner will appreciate your honesty and your presence even more and you’ll get the best of both worlds.
Elsa Davis, LPC, LMFT
How healthy is your marriage?
ready to have a conversation?
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A lot of the therapy work I do is helping couples and partners understand what their contributions to the relationship are, and how they can start making changes for the better, specifically with communication. Specifically, when communicating with your spouse, it’s important to make sure that you are not part of the problem, but part of the solution.
I bet many of you have already seen the recent Brene’ Brown video making the rounds where she calls out the myth of marriage being a 50/50 partnership.
I get asked a lot how to save a marriage when one spouse is leaning out or is contemplating divorce. Everybody’s situation’s different, but what I’m seeing a lot lately is very concerning to me.
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