When Your Spouse Wants Out: Saving Your Marriage from Divorce
March 21, 2023
Are you in a marriage you want to save but your spouse is ready to call it quits?
Being in a marriage you desperately want to save and knowing your spouse is ready to call it quits, is one of those situations I wouldn’t wish for anyone.
But, it often isn’t hopeless, despite how it may feel from where you sit today – and despite what others might try to tell you.
How do I know? Well, for one, I’ve lived it. Almost two decades ago, I was the spouse that wanted out. I felt hopeless and so did my husband, John – the same husband with whom I’m so very thankful to soon celebrate 33 years of marriage. Thankfully, feelings changed and there was still hope, even when we both felt hopeless.
And two, I’ve seen hopelessness turn to hope over and over again for our clients in this situation. We have made it our mission to help clients save their marriages even when their spouses say they want to divorce.
They just need someone who holds the hope for them, knows what works, and can teach them the blueprint for success.
What doesn’t work
When we are at risk of losing something as important to us as our marriage, most of us tend to panic. And in our desperation to save our marriage and our family, we do all the wrong things.
We get in our own way. We focus on what we cannot control (our spouse). We beg, plead, and whine. We act out and we over pursue, not realizing that our actions are pushing our spouse even farther away and making our goal to rescue the marriage even more difficult.
Focusing on you
Our approach to marriage rescue is counter-intuitive to what your instincts may be telling you to do.
Your best chance to save your relationship is to first focus on yourself.
Yes, on YOU.
You are the one person in your marriage you can control.
Unfortunately, when your spouse wants out, the burden of saving your marriage falls squarely on your shoulders. This is an especially tough pill to swallow if your spouse is acting out in ways that don’t honor the relationship.
But if you want to change the outcome of your marriage, then it’s up to you to change your inputs.
Here’s what I mean.
Think of your relationship as a dance with your partner. When you are intentional about changing your steps, it changes the entire dance, which in turn changes your partner’s experience and next steps as well. By focusing on what you can control, you can create an environment that encourages your spouse to see the possibility of real change in your relationship.
Changing your steps
Every single person on the planet has ‘blind spots’, those things about you that others know but that you are not aware of yourself. Blind spots can kill a relationship if you aren’t willing to become aware of them.
To save your marriage, it is critical for you to learn which blind spots are hurting your marriage and your spouse.
This is what our marriage rescue coaches do best. They do it in such a compassionate way and always with the end goal helping you show up as your very best self, giving your spouse a reason to be curious and even hopeful that your marriage can be saved.
This work will feel the most empowering to you, but it will also require you to be willing to hear and see things about yourself you probably won’t like. It is a deep dive in knowing yourself.
It’s a process
The clients who make the most progress quickly, and often have the best end results, are the ones who show up, ready to work without excuses. The clients who show up defensive, angry, focused on their spouse’s obvious blind spots and not willing to own their stuff, tend to move slowly or drop out early, and at some point, their spouses typically walk away for good.
Nothing changes if you aren’t willing to look at your ugly parts….and we all have ugly parts.
When your spouse is curious about the changes he/she sees in you, then we’ll be ready to work with you together as a couple to help you build the marriage you both want.
Finding a trusted resource
As my husband will tell you, fighting alone for your marriage is a painful process, especially if you don’t have a trusted resource to guide you along the way.
That’s where my team comes in. My marriage rescue coaches are trained to walk you through this process and to challenge you to learn new skills and ways of showing up in all of your relationships.
Prospective clients regularly ask about success rates and I understand why. They want to gauge their “odds” before they invest their time, energy, and finances on their hope for reconciliation. The truth is it is impossible to give accurate measures of success as each relationship is unique.
But I can tell you this… if you do the work, the process itself is a win/win. You’ll either save your marriage or you will make yourself ready for a healthier, happier relationship down the road. You will also have the peace of mind knowing you’ve done absolutely everything you can do to save your marriage, which will save you doubts and regrets later.
Doing this deep internal work will change you and it will change you for the better in all of your relationships – your kids, friends, coworkers, etc.
If you are reading this because you’ve found yourself in this place where your spouse is ready to give up on you or your relationship, I want you to know there is still hope. But time is your most precious resource.
If you are looking for a trusted resource who can walk this road with you, guide you to a new place of understanding about yourself, about how your relationship got to the point where it is now, and most importantly, show you how you can move forward in a healthier, more hopeful way, you can get started now. Call us or schedule a free Discovery Call to learn more about our services and to see if we are a good fit for you.
How healthy is your marriage?
ready to have a conversation?
You may also like:
The silent treatment is a pretty common response I see in couples therapy. It happens when you are so angry, disappointed, let down, and you don’t feel like you have any other way to let your partner know just how upset you really are.
A lot of the therapy work I do is helping couples and partners understand what their contributions to the relationship are, and how they can start making changes for the better, specifically with communication. Specifically, when communicating with your spouse, it’s important to make sure that you are not part of the problem, but part of the solution.
I bet many of you have already seen the recent Brene’ Brown video making the rounds where she calls out the myth of marriage being a 50/50 partnership.
"*" indicates required fields