The Number One Complaint Marriage Counselor Hears

This topic is PG, probably PG-21, because today I want to talk about the ‘boob grab’. Let’s just get it out there – we’re going to talk about boob grabbers! I get a lot of clients in my office and this is a chief number one complaint.

I had a client once who would come up behind his wife and grab her boob with one hand and shove his hand down the front of her pants with the other. He came in and complained that she never wanted sex. Actually, she just wanted a less intrusive ask for sex!

The Situation

I think reasons vary, but what I see mostly in my office is a man who is approaching his partner in a way to either be playful or indicate that he’s interested in sex. And what happens is that it can feel more like an assault to the woman if she is tired, in the middle of doing something else or just not interested in being touched – especially, that level of intimate touch.

It’s A Boundary Issue

It happens so frequently that it’s almost funny, until you stop and realize that when you do something like that, it’s a boundary issue. Your partner’s body is theirs. For you to just come by and grab them, it might seem like a good idea, but I’m betting your partner isn’t loving that.

Before you do that, first, I’d make sure that it is welcome. And if your partner’s telling you they don’t like it, then stop. There are other ways to let your partner know that you’re interested in some intimacy.

Listen, not every guy that grabs his wife or partner is wanting sex. Sometimes it’s just closeness and cuddling, but there are other ways to do that as well. And for you to go for that physically intimate moment, without an invitation or without strong cues that it’s welcome, it can backfire on you really strongly. In fact, it can create a much more negative result.

Often, the women who do go on and let that become foreplay into sex, do so and resent it. They’ll feel like they just want to get it over with so that you’ll stop pawing at them. That’s not the kind of sex you want to have.

Communicate & Be Vulnerable

If your partner doesn’t like it, ask her, “Hey, does it bother you when I just come up behind you when you’re in the middle of dishes and you’ve worked all day and you’re tired and the kids are running around, if I just grab your boobs?” I’m betting she’s going to say ‘no’.

Find out what she would like. I have a feeling it might be more vulnerable than you are comfortable being, but what a great way to have a good conversation!

It can be,”I just feel like I need a hug.” She’ll be much more amenable to putting things down and giving you a hug than she will if you grab her boobs and hope that it leads to something else, whether it’s sex or just touch. So anyway, stop grabbing the boobs!

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