When Your husband doesn’t want sex
January 20, 2017
What not having sex is doing to your marriage, part 2
Ok, ladies. You’ve asked for it and here it is.
We sent out Part 1 of this topic (which focused on women not having sex), and within minutes we started receiving comments from women complaining about their husband doesn’t want sex.
So many people wanted to know why I took the slanted approach of wives who are refusing their husbands. Honestly, I took that approach because that is what I have been seeing in my office in droves lately.
But listen, the problem goes both ways, and by the end of the day, it was obvious I was going to have to address this issue from the opposite point of view.
Women who find themselves in a sexless marriage have many of the same frustrations as men.
They feel frustrated, alone, embarrassed and angry.
They also feel insecure.
They wonder if they are sexy enough, attractive enough or thin enough.
It is confusing to hear female friends complain about husbands who want it all the time and then come back to a home where no one is pursuing her. Our culture feeds the notion that men are hypersexual, so if you are married to a man who isn’t all that interested, well…there must be something wrong with the woman.
If you are a woman who want to have sex and whose husband isn’t interested in sex, you feel like a freak.
Marriage is a partnership. You enter it voluntarily and there are spoken and unspoken agreements.
One of those agreements is that there will be a sexual relationship. When one partner refuses to participate, it is exceptionally selfish.
A sexless marriage feels so powerless and frustrating.
There just isn’t any way around it. Sex is important in a relationship.
It is the one thing that keeps you from just being roommates sharing the same bed.
There are several reasons why a husband doesn’t want sex with his wife.
- Physical reasons – It’s always good to start with a checkup to make sure there isn’t something going on physically or hormonally. Low testosterone is fairly common, but I find that raising T levels doesn’t always fix the problem. Still, this is the easiest place to start and begin ruling out factors.
- Pornography – This is a touchy subject for many people. There are experts out there who will tell you that pornography enhances sex for couples. I strongly disagree. I find porn causes many more sexual problems than any other single item on this list. Porn changes the brain, and not in a good way. Check out www.yourbrainonporn.com to see what I mean. I don’t recommend it for either men or women, and I’ve seen it cause a lot of harm in relationships. You can also check out the posts we have here on porn use. If your husband doesn’t want sex it could be because he is using porn. If this is the culprit, the fix is cutting off the porn use cold turkey and retraining his brain to increase his desire for a real person.
- The quality of your relationship – I think everyone knows that women need emotional connection to increase physical desire. This same thing can be said for men as well. If a man is feeling criticized or belittled by you, he will shut down sexually. (See also: Help! I don’t find my wife attractive). You can’t rage at him or tell him he needs to “be a man” and then expect him to want to have sex with you. A man needs to feel better and respected by you. If you are talking down to him, treating him like a child, telling him what to do and when to do it, your sex life will suffer.
- Performance Anxiety – Men have a lot of pressure to perform. They cannot fake what they don’t feel. Some men are so worried about maintaining an erection or ejaculating prematurely, they shut down and avoid sexual contact altogether. Anxiety is certainly a mood killer. Please don’t minimize the impact performance anxiety can have on a man. I worked with a couple where the man had one episode of not being able to maintain his erection. All his wife said was “Well, that was disappointing”. He became so worried that he would have a repeat performance that it happened again several times. After three or four failed attempts, he shut down. They couldn’t resume a normal sex drive until he dealt with his anxiety. Drugs like Cialis can help but many men are resistant to taking them. The best defense is to deal with the anxiety.
- Lack of non-sexual touch – Many women don’t believe this one but I see it quite a lot actually. Not every man needs a lot of physical touch like holding hands, hugging and kissing but many of them do. If you are stand-offish and you are constantly thwarting his attempts to be close to you, he will likely pull back sexually as well. When your guy comes up behind you and puts his arms around you, he is risking rejection. If you stiffen or push him away frequently, he feels unwanted and unwelcomed. This carries over into the bedroom as well.
- Depression – Men often get depressed and the symptoms go unrecognized. Depression in men often looks like anger and withdrawal. Sexual desire would be one of the casualties of depression for both men and women.
- Your attitude about sex – You may not ever openly reject your husband’s advances but if your attitude is “get this over with quickly” you are certainly dousing the mood. For a woman to have good sex, it requires skill on her lover’s part. For a man to have good sex, it requires an eager partner who is obviously enjoying herself. I have heard many men tell me they would rather masturbate than have sex with a woman who just lies there.
- He is having an affair. I can’t count the number of times I have had a couple in my office where the man doesn’t want to have sex with his wife but comes to therapy to work on the relationship and it comes out later that he is having an affair. This disinterest in sex is usually accompanied by a general disinterest in being together at all. He may say he is working on things, but if he remains very detached and disinterested it is certainly a factor I would consider.
If your husband doesn’t want sex, it is time to find out what is going on.
Too many people keep ignoring this situation and hoping things will get better on their own. Sometimes they do but if things have been going this way for months or years, stop waiting and start pressing for some answers.
If you ask your husband why he doesn’t want sex, he is almost certainly going to tell you he doesn’t know. And that may very well be the truth.
He may have no idea why he doesn’t want sex.
He may not be able to make the connection between how he feels and his libido. He just knows he doesn’t want it as often as you do.
So your conversation needs to go something like this:
“Honey, we aren’t having sex enough for me to feel like I’m getting what I need and want from this relationship. This is really a problem for me. It is very important to me that we get to the bottom of what is going on. I’d like for you to make a doctor’s appointment for a physical checkup and if everything is normal there, I will make an appointment for us to see someone who specializes in this area. I know this may make you uncomfortable, but I love you and our life together too much to just let this go any longer. I’m building up some serious resentment and I’m afraid if we don’t tackle this problem together, I will continue to detach and continue to feel hurt and rejected.”
If he refuses to talk to anyone with you, let him know you will be going alone. If you are at the point where you are considering leaving the marriage, I would respectfully let him know you are disappointed in his decision to avoid the subject and you aren’t sure what this means for the future of your relationship. You aren’t giving idle threats. You are just being honest and letting him know this is serious.
Then the most important part is to FOLLOW THROUGH. Make an appointment with someone who is comfortable and knowledgeable to talk to you about sexual problems.
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KIM BOWEN is a licensed professional counselor who offers relationship therapy through her company, The Marriage Place. Her blogs and newsletters have been featured in various publications
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I appreciate you taking the time to write this. I am in a completely sexless (more than 5 years) marriage. I AM becoming extremely bitter. We have tried counseling and I hear the same complaints over and over but nothing changes. It’s heartbreaking. I truly don’t know what to do. I will give him kudos for getting testosterone shots but that’s been three months now with no changes. I live a very sad, isolated life. He doesn’t understand my complaint that we are just roommates and I’m just the secretary.
Tonya, sad and isolated are words I’ve heard many times from clients who were in sexless marriages. It’s lonely and that’s why I do everything I can to help my clients identify the cause and change it. For a man to seek medical help for an issue like this takes courage so kudos to your husband for his willingness to do so. Low T however may not be all that is in play here. There could be other issues at play. Or, it simply may be that being intentional with intimacy after a long hiatus can be awkward at first. If you haven’t done so already, I encourage you to seek help with a coach or counselor trained to help couples improve their intimacy. If you’d like to talk with one my team members please call us. Regards, Kim
Ive accused my husband of many things, and now I’m paying the consequences.. I use to blame him for what he said about me and then I did the very same thing ..I feel sick over it and totally sexless now
It’s good that you can see your part in the situation but don’t let things go at that. Seek help and guidance from a marriage and relationship expert on how to start repairing your relationship. Hopefully, your husband will be willing to seek help with you, but even if he isn’t, there are things you can do on your own that will make a positive impact on the relationship. TL for Kim
Ive accused my husband of many things, and now I’m paying the consequences.. I use to blame him for what he said about me and then I did the very same thing ..I feel sick over it and totally sexless now
I am a man who doesn’t want sex either, it seems like a caveman instinct that I am supressing. I have good testosterone and just don’t require sex, what is wrong with that? Also sex is stink, wet and gross. I prefer to just master bate and get on with life. What is wrong with that?
Sean, Not wanting sex is absolutely your choice and it’s an okay choice if you are 1) not in a relationship or 2) your spouse is agreeable to live in a sexless marriage. Where it becomes an issue is if you’ve chosen to be in relationship with someone who sees things differently and needs/wants sex it could as part of a fulfilling marriage. It’s not unusual for couples to have different ideas and views on sex, but marriage is about compromise. It’s also about considering the needs of your spouse, neither of which does it sound like you’ve fully considered. I hope that your spouse is a part of your decision and her needs are considered here too. If this is an area of conflict, I hope you think about reaching out for help. Warmly, Kim.
I just got married 4 months ago, and once we came back from our honeymoon, I was lucky if we had sex once a week. That’s still the case 4 months later and sometimes its 2 weeks. We live with his father, which I feel is part of the problem. Also, because our room wasn’t ready (and still isn’t), we had to sleep in his dad’s bed, and his dad sleeps on the couch. Well, my husband says his dad’s bed makes his back and hips hurt, so he actually has been sleeping in his old bed. He sometimes comes and lays down with me and we’ll touch each other and make each other cum, and then he goes back in his room. There’s hardly ever sex though. He works 2 jobs and doesn’t get home till after 11 every night during the week, so he’s really tired. Then on Saturday mornings, when his dad is at work, I try to wake him up around 9 or 10 to make love, but he says he needs his rest. When I confront him about wanting to spend time with him and make love, he says our marriage isn’t going to work, because I’m not happy and he doesn’t feel like he can give me what I want or meet my expectations. I love him so much, and I don’t know what to do.
I am soo so sorry too heear that,I wish I could offer you some advice but I too have a similar situation. I got married too the man off my dreams 3 months ago. Before we got married we never haad sex as I was saving myself for marriage(i being 23) and he obviosly haad had sex before as he is 37 but had waited since he met me. We always spoke about how great the sex would be once we got marries but we rarely have sex,I want too spend time with my husband all. The time because its something new for me and exciting I have never had sex and wwant too enjoy and experience all it has too offer with my husband but if we have sex once a week and he manages too last more then 10 minutes I am lucky. I never come through sex and its affecting me because I always want too be with him,he says I pressurise him and force him and because of that he doesnt want too have sex with me but I dont force him because I. Feel like. I cant even tell my own husband that I would want too have sex with him aas not too make him feel pressured. I feel alone and worthless and he never tells me he wants me or he finds me sexy and now I am so broken that when I wake up in the morning I just start cryinh cause its another day I know we wont have sex. He just doesnt see what it is doing too me,I feel so unatractive and broken. I dont understand why I saved myself for marriage because it doeesnt feel like it was worth it. And when I try and speak too him and tell him what I feel in my heart,he says Im making it worse and. Putting more pressure on him and now he wants too. Be with me even less…I am so broken.
Oh Chantel, I’m so sorry! You are a newlywed and I hate that you are experiencing this in should be an exciting time in your life. I can imagine you feel crushed, having waited to share sex with your spouse only to have him not seem to be as interested in you as you are in him. Differences in sex drives, frequency preferences and the like often cause discord in couples. Sometimes there are medical issues at play to cause a partner not to want sex. Other times it’s emotionally driven – performance anxiety, guilt, fear, etc. or there is an outside influence impacting the relationship. Many of those couples seek a third party to help them work through them and figure out a solution that meets the needs of both partners. I’d encourage you to do the same and not let the hurt you feel now fester. We can help you if you are interested. Please give us a call. 972-431-4432. Warmly, Kim
It has been so long sense my fiancee has touched me, I blame myself all the time but deep down inside i know I am not ugly and I wouldn’t have any problem finding a man that would find me sexually attractive, but I tell him he should be proud and glad that I desire him in that way. But now it’s just a big joke Every time I try and discuss this issue, he shrugs it off like it’s one big joke, meanwhile I’m dying inside and i desperately want and need to feel wanted again not to mention I have so much frustration and anxiety built up I could just birthday litterlerly if I ever get touched again, LOL I’m so lonely I cry daily
Carol, I can feel your hurt and pain in your words. My first thought was “She needs a Sara Snyder”. Sara is one of the coaches on my team and she’s helped many women dealing with some of the same issues of lonliness and self worth you are dealing with now. If you aren’t doing so already, I encourage you to consider working with a counselor or coach. And, if you are interested, I’d be happy to put you in contact with Sara. Wishing you the best, Kim
I am living in a sexless marriage. It is the second marriage for both of us. It’s been well over a year with no physical contact of any kind. He won’t even kiss me with his mouth open. I have cried my eyes out to him about how much this hurts me. I have told him that it makes me wonder what is wrong with me, am I that disgusting. I didn’t know it was possible for your self esteem to be this low. I told him eventually my pride would kick in and I would stop begging my husband to touch or god forbid have sex with his wife. He always says it’s not me. He says he’s just at a point in his life where it doesn’t matter to him. I find cum stains in his underwear…..he says it’s from heavy lifting. He doesn’t understand why on Earth I think he could be having an affair???!!!!!!! I found porn on his browser history. He came up with the most ridiculous excuse I have ever heard to explain it. He denies masturbating, porn use or having an affair. Now his thing is that I never try anymore. OMG!!!!! I am so angry and hurt. I am filled with resentment that has spilled into every area of my life. Please advise.
Lisa, I’m sorry you are living in a sexless marriage. I’m not surprised though as I see this often in my practice. And when you consider how many don’t seek help for a sensitive topic like this, it means even more couples are struggling with this issue in silence. I commend you for speaking up! When a marriage is sexless, there is always a reason or reasons. Always. Porn and affairs are two of them. Emotional disconnect or physical issues are others. I have a specialist on my team who specializes in sexual issues. If you’d like to know more, consider calling my office (972.441.4432) or scheduling a free 15-minute Discovery Call so we can answer your questions, learn a little more and make a good recommendation on next steps for you. Warmly, Kim.
I have suffered silently with my sexless marriage, and frankly I thought I was in the “few “. I’m at this point 7 years in at an emotional bottom. I have solved my feelings of seeming inadequacy with the consumption of food. 100 lbs. worth. I now know I’m not the only one living this way. I can identify with all former comments, and now I know I’m not the crazy one.
We have been married for 3 yrs and have a 19 mo son. I do not know when and where our sexual relationship went wrong. We would have sex once and then it wouldn’t be until another month or longer but I always have to ask. I ask with the hope that it happens and I end up being rejected. He’s always tired but yet has time for friends and tv. I do not feel loved and the connection we had is no longer there. I have been so angry and upset and I always try to make him happy but it seems like I am no longer enough for him. Despite all this I am still attracted to him and I yearn for the day that he wants me as much as I want him.
Amy, I’m so sorry for the rejection you feel in the relationship. Clearly something is “off” in the relationship. It’s impossible for me to know what simply by the few sentences you’ve written here but some of the most common reasons men don’t want sex are 1) medical issues such as low testosterone or 2) he is satisfying his sexual needs through another outlet such as porn. I would encourage you to have an open and honest conversation with him about your needs and see if he can meet you there. I’d also encourage you to seek the guidance of a professional who can help you process your feelings, set healthy boundaries, etc. If you’d like some help now, please call my office or schedule a free Discovery Call so we can answer questions or help you get started. Warmly, Kim
I am so glad I am not alone in this because it certainly feels that way. I have tried for over 8 years to get my husband interested in me. I have heard every excuse in the book. First it was i never initiated so I started to initiate. Then I heard things like it’s too late, it’s too early to go to bed, it’s morning, it’s the middle of the day, you’ll be tired if we do it now, or he would pretend to fall asleep and many other things. I also tried telling him how much and how often I want him even how frustrated I am. He says I want it all the time to honey we just don’t have time!!!! I found out in the past couple of years that my husband prefers pornography(porn addiction) on his cell phone, and sending pictures to another male friend and sharing what they want to do to these women. My husband makes sure I am on his list of things to do on most Saturday mornings but I feel
Like a chore and once a week is not enough when it is the main way I connect with him. He denies he has a problem and continues to say he wants to have sex all the time like I do. I am beyond frustrated and have completely shut myself down to him emotionally.
Maggie, I think I just responded to your other comment. Please call my office and ask to set up a free consultation with Eric Tooley. He is one of my most experienced coaches and he specializes in porn addiction and the impact it has on relationships/marriages. Warmly, Kim.
I am on my second marriage. I am head over heels in love with my husband and desire him more than I could have ever imagined. We have been together 4 years. The first year we lived about 200 miles apart and only seen each other on the weekends. But we couldn’t get enough of each other. He then moved to be with me and the sex was always amazing. Everyday and sometime several times a day we would enjoy each other. We have been married 2 years and about 10 months ago the sex stopped. He doesn’t want to touch me. I can’t touch him. I feel so alone. I confronted him about it and was told he just didn’t have the urge anymore. We made a doctors appointment and there was nothing wrong. I try and I am turned down constantly. In two months we’ve had sex twice. I don’t know what to do.
Tonya, Any time I hear of a drastic change in frequency and sex drive, I always look beyond the sex to understand the full dynamics of the relationship. Drastic changes like this tell me something more is at play. I’m glad you started with a medical exam as that’s what I’d have suggested as well. I have a specialist on my team who would be well suited to work with you (and your husband if he his willing) and help uncover the reason for the disconnect that started in the last year. Please call my office or schedule a free Discovery Call to learn more. Warmly, Becca
Hi, this is the first time I have written a post on any site but I could do with some advice. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6. I’m 38, he is 51 & we have a 6 year old. I am his third wife & when we meet we had a healthy sex life. We have now not had sex for nearly 4 years, which coincides with him suffering from a second episode of severe depression, PTSD & more recently a diagnosis of aspergers. He tells me he loves me but just doesn’t want sex, he has no interest in it. I understand his mental health can affect this & I don’t want to sound selfish but it’s becoming a big issue for me. He will give me kiss in the morning & at night but I’m not sure now if this is a learnt behaviour or just something he does as a routine. We talk about it & have been to a counsellor. He says he provides for me, which he does & he is a great dad but there is no fun or desire. Am I being selfish & should I stop moaning?
Chris
Hi Christine, thank you for sharing your story. No, you are not being selfish! If you are communicating your needs in a respectful way and you have empathy for your husband whose wants or needs may differ from yours, you are absolutely correct in expressing your concerns. Mental health conditions such as depression can affect both sexual desire and performance. Medications commonly prescribed for these health issues can also impact sexual performance. If he hasn’t done so already, I’d encourage your husband to consult with his physician to make sure there aren’t other issues at play. Kudos to you for being courageous enough to communicate your needs in the relationship! Kim
My name is hira I’m 23 yr old & my husband is also 23 .inact 4 month younger than me.1.5 year spend we together.. n still we have not sex. In starting days he tried 3-4 times but not successful.then he said “I have not interested..we are young .. I tried each n everything to look more sexy in bed … but he even not give me single look.he even not kiss me … we sleep together but I can’t touch him.. when I touch him he got angry … this depression make me mad… plz help me what to do plz
Hira, I am so sorry you are going through this. Most 23 year old newly married men would be thrilled to have their wives desire them sexually. The fact that your husband does not, tells me something more is going on. I don’t have enough information here to know what that something might be. If he was willing, I’d definitely recommend he consult with a physician to check for any physical ailments such as low testosterone. Pornography use is another issue that can impact sexual desire and performance. And there are other things as well that could be at play Please call my offices and consider working with one of my coaches on this. He or she can help you identify some of the common causes but also help come up with a plan of action to improve your marriage. Warmly, Kim
I’ve been with my partner 14 weeks it went from 3 times mad passionate sex everyday to suddenly twice in a week me face ing other way quicke he says he’s just tired but I work as hard as him but I totally ache for him. . I’m not sleepng with the stress of it I feel unsexy fat unloved yet we constantly cuddel plz help my heart is breaking x
Hi Heather, thanks for reaching out on such a sensitive topic. As you might guess sex is one the topics that cause many couples to seek relationship guidance from an experienced counselor or coach. And frequency of sex is a biggie. You can find all sorts of articles about what is “average” or “normal” but here’s the thing, the average doesn’t matter in your relationship. What matters is that whatever the frequency, it meets both of your needs. Now I will tell you, if you walked into my office, I would want to explore not only the significant change in frequency, but also how you view sex and the impact it has on how you value your self. If you would like to get started on this work, I encourage you to call my office or schedule a free Discovery Call. Warmly, Kim
so my issue – GOD please someone advise me – I have been with my bride 30 years since I was 18 – I love her – she is my best friend – but truth,,,, no attraction to her any more – i met her when she was 5’4″ 105 , when we got married she was 5’4″ 125 now she is 5’4″ 210 pounds she no longer takes care of herself and is perfectly fine playing candy crush – I ask her to hike with me – I ask her to workout with me – i cook good dinners for her but she will go for the chips and dip and not the baked chicken and peppers, she get ZERO exercise. I know people will say she may have some emotional issue but that is not what this comment is about
I go to the gym 6 days a week hike on the weekends and objectively very very fit – I am not tooting my own horn but facts are in fact,,,, facts…… how do I marry my heart with my body – how do I convince my body that I want to make love to her when in truth everything physically drives to the “fitness” look. I look at her and feel soooo in love but crawl into bed and have to put myself in another place just to get past the physical – its not superficial its evolutionary
Please help
Mike, Thank you for this, for your raw honesty. Our spouse’s weight is one of those issues that no one wants to talk about! The idea of even hinting to your spouse that you are less physically attracted him/her at their current weight, makes most people cringe. In my office I see it regularly. Sex and weight are two of the hot topics that garner this response and I often hear my client say their spouse can’t or won’t hear them. Keeping it real though, the vast majority of the time, the real underlying reason we don’t want to talk about it is our own fear. Specifically, we’re protecting ourselves from the anxiety the conversation would cause. We love our spouse and we are worried about her reaction and the consequences. And so we avoid going there and end up in the situation you find yourself in now. Here’s the thing, when you don’t tell her, you are denying her the chance to know the full you better and yourself the chance for a deeper more authentic relationship with the woman you love. How fair is that? And over the years, this level of dishonesty or withholding your true feelings will tear away at the foundation of your marriage. Mike, I can tell you sincerely love your wife (at any weight) and commend you for being willing to step up and admit how you feel. And know you are not alone. There are lots of you out there – men and women – who are struggling with a similar kind of dilemma. Your post was timely for me as this topic has been on my heart and mind for a while now and I actually have two posts ready to go live over the next few weeks that address this issue of honesty in a relationship in more detail. I’ve got another one in the works still that addresses weight specifically. Mike, if you haven’t done so already, please schedule a Free Discovery Call with us so we can answer your questions and help you get something scheduled, if you like. This is just the kind of guidance a coach can provide you with as you brave the potentially choppy waters of being fully honest with your spouse. I’d love to hear from you again and know how it’s going! Warmly, Kim
Something you may also want to discuss – I have had this exact discussion with my niece and her fiance
there are 10 VOWS to a marriage
Love
Honor
Cherish
Good Times
Bad Times
Sickness
Health
Richer
Poorer
Forsaking all others
the issue MOST people have is there belief that the vows are used as a jail sentence rather than a litmus to evaluate the relationship
the ones in particular I focus on are the one that most over look – Richer – Health – goodtimes
we will all be Sick, there WILL be bad times – we will all most likely be poor at one time or another –
1. so its important to be Healthy(the person you are with has dedicated their lives to you) its not fair to be unhealthy your entire life when you could be healthy – put down the ice cream have a salad and go for a run(look your best – you owe to him/her)
2. Don’t waste money – financial stress will kill a relationship quickly so attempt to be rich not poor
3. Better have good times and always try to make them happen BECAUSE YEP – bad TIME WILL HAPPEN
who wants to go through worse time and worsen times, who wants to go through unhealthy and sicks time only, who want to go through poor and poorer time when sex it could have been avoided
Now LOVE – HONOR and CHERISH – Basically it come down putting you spouse first in everything – never criticize them in front of other people – do you show you are Cherishing them by your actions – are you really loving them and forgiving them when they mess up – because EVERYONE messes up
Infidelity WILL HAPPEN if you are not giving your best effort for the top 9 – does it matter if he/she cheats when you don’t love honor and cherish them anyway
I would say the positive VOWS are the most important and they WILL help you to avoid the negative vows easily
I am quite surprised that your article only mentioned one mental health issue (depression). There are many other mental health issues that keep men from initiating sex with their wives. In my case I was raised in a violent alcoholic home (dad) and emotionally incested by my mother. She made it clear that sex was unpleasant and undesired for/by women, and was only a duty wives have to perform for their husbands. She also revealed that the reason I am so much younger than my siblings is because they didn’t want any more children, but that my dad raped her one night when drunk and since abortion was illegal back then, they had to have me. I was repeatedly shamed throughout elementary and high school as I have what is known as a “micro-penis”, and there was no treatment for it back then. The one time in my life I every showed interest in a girl was in high school, but she immediately went up and down the halls yelling out that I asked her out and so I was forced to leave by the laughter of dozens of my peers. I never dated until my 30’s when my now wife asked me out. She initiated and decided pretty much everything in our dating and subsequent marriage life, including relations. After 3 years she said that she was tired of initiating, had experienced no pleasure in any of our previous sexual relations, felt “used”, and that if I ever wanted sex with her again I had to initiate. That was 20 (sexless) years ago. We have settled into a “roommates” existence, and despite many years of various forms of counselling I’ve been unable to overcome my fear of intimacy, fear of rejection and other attachment disorder related issues. There is an old joke that “men marry thinking their wives won’t change, and women marry thinking their husbands will change – and both are wrong”. My sad life is proof that it is true.
I have been married for 15 years now. When we got married I had 2 boys and he had a little girl and we had our daughter 1 year later. I will admit when the kids where young sex I did not have the Energy for my husband’s sex drive now that the kids are older I wish I could go back and say yes every time he asked. Now we only have sex when he is in the mood, if I do initiate sex I am normal left Unsatisfied and don’t say no thing so he will want to have sex again. Sometimes I am so Frustrating I show it. He has said after years of me saying no, he just got tide of bagging. I have apologize so many times I have lost count. We are in a bad place right. We have been to counseling with 2 different counselor never getting to the root. He says we have so much baggage we can not just start counseling and make it better. He says He love me and sometimes he wants me and I say something that makes he not want me anymore. I try not to say anything so maybe he will want to have sex, but I am a talker. I can’t just talk about news, children, family, work etc. which are all safe topics, when my heart ache for his touch or some kind Intimate connection from him. I love him and only want him but I can’t take feeling like this. I try to talk to him about my feeling and he turns it around. Stating I delt with it when you did it to me. I can not make up for the past and feel I should not be Punish for the pass. I feel like there is no hope. I have moved out our room to save myself from feeling rejected or feeling used when he wants sex and I just have to be ready and take what he gives me. It makes me feel bad but he says how do you think I felt. Again I can change the past. He wants us to go back to counseling but I don’t know if it will even help. He feels we have a lot of anger and hurt to work through and maybe we do but having a sexless married while we talk to a counselor about years of what I did wrong does not sound helpful. I don’t even know if we go he will want to have sex or will it just get worse. I know this was long, but I am at my wits in. I love him and want to be with him but I can make up for the past or even promise I will not talk about none safe topics.
April, It’s clear you want this marriage so I’m with your husband on one piece of this – go back to counseling and get the assistance you need to address the underlying issues in your relationship. Find a counselor or coach who truly specializes in relationships (as in 75% or more of their caseload is couples) as you need someone who truly understands the dynamics of working with a couple. If you’d like to work with one of my coaches or counselors, please call my office or you can schedule a free Discovery Call with us. Wishing you better days ahead, Kim
Men should never initiate sex with a woman. She’s likely to accuse you of rape later even if it was consensual. And if you’re married, she will use sex to manipulate you. She’ll call you an animal and tell you that sex is all you ever think about. It’s a guarantee; all wives do this. So take that weapon right out of her hands. Do not initiate sex, ever. And when she complains about the lack of sex, it will be her fault for not initiating. Let her know you’re on to her game and you won’t be playing. If she leaves you over this, thank your lucky stars and know that you’ve dodged a bullet.
John, Sex should never be used as a weapon. Do some women use it as such? Of course. As do some men. It still doesn’t make it right. You, however, are perpetuating a false narrative. Admittedly, you have a right to your opinion and perspective, but it certainly doesn’t make it factual. Even without all my exerience and research in the field, my own personal story negates your statement that “All wives do this”. They don’t. I certainly don’t and there are countless others of us who don’t either. I would assume you’ve had one or more really bad experiences in relationships which have helped shape your cynical view of women and sex. I am sorry for that. I hope you find healing and can experience all the good a healthy relationship can be. Warmly, Kim