HELP! I DON’T FIND MY WIFE ATTRACTIVE
April 24, 2013
Married sex is a whole different ballgame…as if sex wasn’t complicated enough. Nothing makes a woman feel less feminine than hearing her husband doesn’t find her desirable any longer. In my practice, I’ve seen many men who begin therapy because they are worried about not being attracted to their wives any more. It is certainly a red flag but it usually doesn’t mean it is time for his wife to go on a diet or have plastic surgery.
There are many reasons why a man loses interest in sex. He may have low testosterone, which is actually common in middle age. He may be addicted to pornography, which can certainly cause problems in the marital bed. But mostly, I find men lose interest in their wives not because of how she looks…but how she makes him feel. Don’t be shocked. It’s true. Men have more than one sex organ! We know they are stimulated visually, but they also need to feel appreciated and respected. Men need to feel emotionally connected just like we do.
Ladies, you know how easy it is for us to become critical. We are trained to be responsible for the well-being of everyone in the family. We read self-help books. We watch Dr. Oz and we are usually the first ones who initiate marriage counseling. I read a study once that reported married men live longer than single men. It was a study correlating happiness with life span. I wanted to argue that happiness had little to do with it. Married men live longer because their wives make sure they see a doctor! We watch what they eat and how much. We know their blood pressure and cholesterol levels. By the time we are in our 40’s it is easy to start feeling more like his mother than his lover. Add all of this to the daily struggles of household chores, battles with the kids, stresses over money and you have the perfect storm.
Somewhere along our journey we often grow distant with our partners. We live like roommates trying to run the corporation that is our family life. We forget how to be friends with our spouse. I’m talking about being friends…not being friendly. It is a simple equation really. The quality of your friendship with your partner determines the quality of your sex life. That’s not always true in the beginning but that is absolutely true as we mature together. That’s why I formed The Marriage Place. I have a passion for marriage. I’m frustrated and weary with the societal trend for divorce. I think we have convoluted the notion of love as something we fall in and out of like it’s beyond our control. I believe love is more than a feeling. It is a choice we make every day. But the Beatles got it wrong when they sang “Love is all you need”. It isn’t even close to being all you need. There has to be respect, trust, commitment and kindness to name a few…but beyond all of the others there has to be a healthy friendship to have a healthy, vibrant marriage.
So if you are wondering where the passion has gone in your relationship, start looking at how you both spend your time together. Do you make time to have fun? Do you talk at dinner instead of texting or checking your emails? Get intentional about getting to know each other again…because it is true that love isn’t all you need.
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I’m not an expert but I’ve been thgrouh marriage counseling. I believe that the basic phases are to separate the two, get both of their sides/opinions/questions. Then after they have both expressed themselves they are placed together to talk about what they think, get everything they’ve been hiding out, discuss what they are willing to compromise on, ect ect Then once everything is on the table the couple recieves counseling on what they need to do to create a better relationship. They are given tools, diagrams, and all kinds of stuff that they go home and never look at again. That’s basically in a few sessions what it was like for me and my wife. Hope that helps.
Septla
It does sound like you have been through marriage counseling. The process you described is one way to go about it. I take more of a solution focused approach. We look at where you are now and where you want to be and start taking ACTION to get you there. A lot of marriage counselors “talk” through therapy. Some take more active approaches. I hope the counseling you received was helpful to you.
Excellent post however , I was wanting to know if you could write a litte more on this topic? I’d be very grateful if you could elaborate a little bit further. Cheers! ctsmice.com/common/images/mtokei9.html
Recently I realized my loss of attraction for my wife. My libido and plain interest in her is in the tank. Most articles call out porn issues (not here), low T issues (not here), blah, blah. This is the first article I have come across where it’s cited that it’s just how she makes you feel. Nail. On. Head. The critical, judgemental attitude, coupled with the general complaining and her really dim view of sex to begin with … After 20 years, I am no longer attracted to her
Totally with you here. It’s not how my wife looks, it’s just the attitude towards sex and intimacy. We have vanilla pity sex- it’s not like I’m physically unattractive nor unromantic, she’s just dull when it comes to sex. It can make a man cheat but that’s the most unfulfilling feeling, your life partner should be able to talk openly about sex and lust, the respect works both ways I know, but it’s been single sided now for far too long
Mono…thank you for reading and for commenting. I wanted to challenge you a little here. You said your wife is “just dull when it comes to sex. It can make a man cheat”. There is nothing that can make anyone cheat or justify infidelity. Nothing. That being said, it sounds as if you are building resentment toward your wife’s attitudes on sexual intimacy. Don’t stay silent! But do more than talk about it. Make an appointment with a sex therapist. If your wife won’t go, go alone. If you are unhappy about anything in your marriage, ask yourself what you are allowing by remaining passive or waiting for her to start getting it. There are many reasons why a woman may be less than enthusiastic about sex. Some are medical but in my experience, most of the time it is emotional. Either she has unresolved issues about body image, a healthy sexuality or possible past abuse OR something in the marriage isn’t working for her and it has shut her down. You may feel you are attractive and romantic but she may be resenting the way you talk to her when you are angry. If you are controlling or dismissive, it will kill your sex life. I worked with one wife who shut down sexually because her husband never stood up for her with his parents. Whatever you do, don’t settle for the way things are now. You are headed on a downward spiral here. Trust me. DO something different. Wishing you the best!
So appeal to this; have had 3 kids guallbladder surgery and now I can’t work for medical issues. I just want some of one to show me how pretty I am to them and make me feel it.
My husband is very dismissive and never self-motivated. I have been driving this guy for 27 years. I stopped waking him up for work, watching what he eats and asking him to fix things for me about a year ago. Oh and yes, I also stopped making sex happen. So, we have not had sex in about a year. I no longer exercise as much or even bother to shave my legs and since I telework now, there are days I don’t even run a brush through my hair….what for? I feel like staying in this marriage is killing me slowly. The cherry on the sundae was a couple of weeks ago I said, “I guess if I want to go to church I’ll just have to go on my own.” The M Fer replied, “Yeah, find your own path.” Yuck.
I know how you feel. As a young woman 23 Im always ready to please and be romantic with my husband. But he is never interested. I do think about if I am even still attractive and if anyone could want me . I don’t wish to be untrue but I do wonder could I be wanted? I fear my youth wasted and he’s in his early 30s so he doesn’t care but I have all my twenties to live and love and I don’t feel like me experiencing life is something he wants for me . how can I get him to be interested in me like he was when I was 17. We married at 18 BTW knew each other since I was 14.
Also he never goes down and all I do is give him head. And I stay clean and shave so why won’t he go down ? I try asking him but he just Denys any of it like I’m making it up but Im just dying to know what’s wrong with me that my husband won’t want me .
This all sounds like what I’ve heard since birth: baby the man, puff up his ego … The way he treats you is irrelevant. Very disappointing.
Wow Barb. I love getting feedback but I’ll be honest, it was tough to read this and not get a little defensive. If you have spent any time reading materials on this site, I think it is clear that is a far cry from what we believe and teach here. In this one article, I am addressing a specific problem with sexual attraction in a marriage where the wife is critical and/or controlling. This has nothing to do with puffing up anyone’s ego. It is about learning to express yourself from a clean place so that you will be heard and more effective. We teach all our clients how to set healthy boundaries and limits so no one is tolerating bad behavior from either spouse. Now that is a recipe for a healthy marriage. You don’t have to abuse someone to keep from being abused.
My problem is that I do not find my wife physically attractive most of the time. I have always struggled with her looks and body from day one. Don’t get me wrong there are times when I do find her attractive, but the majority of the time I just don’t. Worse yet, there are some instances where I find her totally unappealing and I wonder why in the hell I am with her. In that same vein, I have never felt that “spark” with her.
When we do have sex it is usually really good in the moment. But after I orgasm I almost always have the feeling that I made a mistake, like I have betrayed myself. I usually don’t want to have sex with her again for a few weeks and often fall into a mild depression.
From what you have described I would recommend you get some individual counseling. I’m betting there is something from your past history that is blocking you from enjoying true sexual intimacy with your wife. This sounds more like something going on inside of you than with her. I hope you will explore this further.
I hope you are right, but I have also never really had romantic feelings for her. When we started dating there wasn’t really any true romance for me. She pursued me and I more went along with it. For years I have hoped that I could work my way past these doubts and find a way to be comfortable with the lack of “spark”. And there are decent stretches of time (weeks, month or two) where I feel pretty good about things and am 100% fine with our situation. But the feeling that she was never right for me and I have been making a mistake all these years ALWAYS comes back.
I am feeling exactly the same way Anonymous. I feel I *should* love her, because she’s a lovely person, but the lack of “spark” (which has never been there) is chewing me up inside. (I’m getting individual therapy too, but that doesn’t seem to be helping.)
Exactly the same here. I married because I thought I had to, that I couldn’t find anyone better, the spark was never really there. Then we had kids and the small ember went out, because the relationship turned into how to raise kids instead. We never have fun anymore. We don’t play, joke around, or even argue. It feels like life is a few shades of beige, with no vibrance. I wish i could find a way to make myself find her attractive to me.
Tom, the sadness you feel for the state of your marriage is coming through so clearly, and I ache for you and your wife. I want to offer you hope, though – you can find vibrancy in your life and your marriage again; it is possible, but it won’t happen simply by wishing it so. It takes work and effort. We would be happy to help you walk the path back to a life with colors, wonderful, vibrant colors, in it. If you want to give it a try, contact our office to set up a consultation with one of our Marriage & Relationship Coaches. The consultation is over the phone, and it’s free. Warmly, Kim
I hope you are right, but I have also never really had romantic feelings for her. When we started dating there wasn’t really any true romance for me. She pursued me and I more went along with it. For years I have hoped that I could work my way past these doubts and find a way to be comfortable with the lack of “spark”. And there are decent stretches of time (weeks, month or two) where I feel pretty good about things and am 100% fine with our situation. But the feeling that she was never right for me and I have been making a mistake all these years ALWAYS comes back.
My husband lost interest in me over the last 7 years – we had our 3rd child, we’ve lost loved ones and we’ve had countless challenges with his family. He has refused to get help in processing all of these things either with me or on his own. I read your “Men, the rules of marriage have changed” piece and it describes my marriage to a T. This is no longer a safe or joyful place. I am at a crossroads and feel all I can do is worry about improving my own situation and focus on my kids until I figure it out. It’s awful and lonely not feeling desired or having any sort of intimacy.
I am not married but living with my boyfriend of three and a half years. We started off with a crazy good sex life because we were initially like f**k buddies before we decided that we wanted to be in a committed relationship. There was a time he was stressed from work and we were not having sex often (like once a month) so I expressed how I felt. He said talking about it would make it worse and that I made him feel inadequate. I think this unconsciously led me to have a bad attitude towards him. I am generally quite a critical person and he says that I put him down all the time and now he doesn’t feel attracted to me in that way. He also says that he feels like we are more like best friends or room mates so things would just feel weird if we were to have sex. But he also watches porn and masturbates and I feel like it’s worth seeing how things can be if he stops masturbating. I usually would not have an issue with stuff like that but don’t you think that if he stopped masturbating, he would have a little left for me?
We’ve been married for just over a year. I’ve always had a more active sex drive than my husband but his passive dismissals have become more than I can bare. I admit, I’ve gained about 5 lbs since we married, but I don’t think I’m overweight. I’m 5’5″ and 118#. I work out and try to make sure our family eats healthy meals. I’m really at a loss and feel like I disgust him. He’s military — I’ve sacrificed my life and career to be with the man I love and now I fear those sacrifices are a turn-off since I’m not the independent woman with whom he fell in love.
Hi, thank you for such good article although I was looking for something else, but it surprises me to find an article by a lady expert that is not one sided! There are full of articles that’s written by lady expert and only echoed among women! I bet if most guys read those, they wouldn’t understand and would only think “oh women!” I was merely looking on Internet to find why my husband is addicted to his cell phone and wouldn’t put it down. He only wants me when he wants sex….. We used to be best friends and talk about everything! Even though I tried to talk about this issue with him, he’ll avoid it or think I’m asking too much…. I don’t know, I’m really lost and lonely. Just want to get out of this marriage…
Dear Lonely and Lost,
Don’t get out until you have earned your way out of the marriage. That means doing everything you can to save it first. Work with a counselor/coach even if he won’t go with you!
I’ve been married for 30 years and it’s pretty obvious now my husband has never been physically attracted to me. Even on our honeymoon he never touched me and I had to remind him that if we wanted children he would have to sleep with me, which thank goodness I fell easily as there was never more than once each time, then he wouldn’t touch me again. We get in great otherwise it’s just the fact there’s no sex which hurts so bad and I feel do unattractive. I feel humiliated because I’ve always had to basically beg for intimacy. I’ve always been loyal and faithful and in return he told me not in so many words that at least he hadn’t strayed, that just made me feel worse. I really don’t know what to do. We’ve been to couples therapy and he’s says he’ll try but nothing changes.
i Feel So Hard For You. It Must Suck To Feel So Unwanted. I’m Sure You’re A Beautiful, Fun, Gorgeous And Lovely Lady And I Want More Than Anything For You To Be With Someone Who Genuinely Wants To Please You As An Awesome Responsibility.
It Sounds Like What Your Husband Is Putting You Through Has More To Do With His Personal Issues Than You. I Am Just Sorry You Have To Feel This Way Because It Truly Sounds Miserably Unbearable. I Will Keep You In My Prayers Senorita
My husband is also no longer attracted to me but he also is not in love with me either. We have 3 children together and I thought a solid friendship (we still go on dates) and he does “care” about me, but he mentioned it is impossible for a woman of my age (over 40) to look as beautiful as a 20 year old. He said any man who tells his wife/gf that they are prettier than a 20 year old is not telling the truth to spare her feelings.
He also has viewed porn and has contacted ex gfs over the past few years in search of that perfect woman or to rekindle the past when he too was young and carefree. He told me that these women were “perfect” (mostly his ex fiancee and the girls in porn). He does not see me that way. He says those things have stopped now, but he did admit that sometimes he had to view things to even be excited enough to be with me.
It hurt so much I went on a crash diet. I will admit, after a pregnancy loss heading into the second trimester, I never lost the weight. I guess I was grieving and too busy with work. I’ve now lost 10 pounds and he likes the difference although I know it is not enough. He would like to see me back weighing 110 pounds or so (what I weighed in my freshman year).
We have been through counseling and it hasn’t worked yet. I have tried to be very supportive, loving and amazing up until this point. I’ve sent him cards, notes, gifts and all sorts of thoughtful things at work. I’ve made meals for him, told him how smart he is, cleaned the house, done his laundry- I wanted to be as supportive and loving as possible. But at this point, my heart is broken and I am ready to give up if he does not think I am worthy of his FULL love, attention and if he can not find me beautiful.
Most of the time even on dates, he is checking his phone, leaving to rush to the bathroom and at the dinner table he is checking his texts and email. He rushes ahead of me if we are out and rarely stops to allow me to catch up. I would say these are all signs he is bored with me or does not want to be seen with me. And I have kept myself up, do make sure I take care in my appearance and most people would guess me as younger than my age.
If you have suggestions, I’d appreciate it. I really do love him in many ways so this is so hard on me.
Mae I’m really sorry to say this but I think the signs have been on the wall for far too long!… He has no respect for you, he doesn’t love you, he is not even using you for sex!.. He openly admits looking at porn and obviously is in touch with other women (hence the texts and emails he is checking in the bathroom etc)… He has insulted you by saying horrible things to you and made it very clear he has no future with you.
Question is: what is it going to take for you to realise you are wasting your life with someone like that???
You’re trying too hard.
You are giving him so much and what does he have to do to earn that? Nothing, zip, actually less than nothing. The more he ignores you, the more you give.
He gets to do whatever he wants, you have to do all these other things for just a mere crumb of his affection..
Stop kidding yourself, you do not LOVE doing this, I’m sure of it. You LOVE the idea of having a loving partner and desperately try to make it happen. Except the facts are clear in front of you, everything you are doing now just makes him do what he is currently doing. If you want it to change, why keep doing more of the same?
You have to pull back, create some distance. STOP giving him all of you, in the hopes he gives back. It’s a form of manipulation to do that. You are giving in order to receive.
“I would say these are all signs he is bored with me or does not want to be seen with me.”
You’ve got it wrong. These are the behaviours he does, not necessarily consciously, that keep you chasing and pursing like you do. Deep down, he may believe that if he stops doing these things, and gives you love and affection, you’ll stop chasing.
So stop chasing now. Give him the same level of love and affection that he gives you. It wont be much at first, then grow it together.
So here’s a question, what if the friendship and affection and love is there, just not the sexual attraction? My partner and I were discussing this last night, he loves me and doesn’t want to be with anyone but me (his words: I want to grow old with you) but doesn’t always find me sexually attractive. I have lost 35 pounds since we started dating, and I’m quite easy on the eyes…we’ve sort of chalked it up to depression on his part…any thoughts?
I have only been married for about 8 years. I waited until marriage to have sex so that my wife would be my first and only lover. The anticipation I felt before marriage drove my desire for her. After we were married, it was a major disappointment to find that she wasn’t even very interested in sex. I feel led on and lied to as if I was sold a lemon by a shady car dealer. Eventually the constant rejection from her led me to just stop asking anymore. Now we only have sex when she initiates which is about 6-10 times per year. Most of the time now I can’t even climax with her because her attitude is so unattractive. I just fake it so she doesn’t know that I lost my erection. When I got married, I thought it would be the beginning of my sex life, not the end of it.
If that is the way things are for the entire marriage for the rest of your life will you be happy with that? Your post says probably not.
Prior to getting married, did you discuss sex with your bride-to-be? Did she tell you she has a lot of desire, or not much? Or nothing at all? If nothing was explicitly said that there will be lots of sex in the marriage then how can you be betrayed by her?
Your feelings are certainly real though, however perhaps it is you who is betraying yourself. You are continuing to live in a fundamentally unhappy relationship that is seriously crushing your self-esteem and seemingly not willing to do whatever you need to do to sort it out.
Ultimately, for your health you need to be willing to end the marriage if it is not to your reasonable expectations.
It’s OK to leave a relationship because sex is fundamentally unsatisfying and the partner is unwilling to seriously work on it. That’s a deal breaker for a lot of people. As you know first hand, the emotional impact a dysfunctional sexual relationship has on a person can be quite profound.
If you are unwilling to leave, then your partner may never get the kick up the ass they need to seriously motivate themselves, consistently, to address the problem in the marriage, particularly this sexual one in yours. What else do you give up on in order to keep her happy?
There are no two ways about it, my wife is very attractive. To me, friends, strangers, she gets looks and I appreciate her beauty. She is also a very good person in the sense that she is thoughtful, honest, and caring. I too am considered attractive, sociable, and successful. We both have nice physical features and when intimate, I enjoy giving her an average of 3 orgasms via oral and intercourse. Sounds like the perfect package right? Wrong.
Our sex life is not great by any stretch. By that I mean for a woman I am still attracted to after 16 years and 3 children, we are very rarely intimate. My sex life with her has never been “great”. Even in the beginning when we were both very active, athletic, and flirty with one another sex occurred about twice a week and seemed like more of a formality than any super intimate or passionate multi hour sessions. I chalked that up to her being younger and less experienced and maybe being afraid to let go sexually.
After some years of discussion, kids, and age she began to be slightly more vocal in terms of what she likes, would like to try, or has thought about. I was very encouraging of her during those moments and wanted her to know I was very supportive of her desires. However, it seemed like every time her sexual momentum increased, it was because I had given her a nudge in that direction. Over time, it has given me the impression that if I do nothing, that is exactly what she will give and that she is fine with that. After briefly coming out of her sexual shell, she has gone right back in and I’m now left with only memories of a very brief but fun and engaging sex life with her.
One point often brought up is porn. I will openly say I do look at porn. However, my interest there is more to do with her lack of interest in participating in our own sex life. After years of “not tonight, I’m tired” or “I’m not feeling well” I’m mailing it in as far as that aspect of our relationship. We’ve done the counseling thing before with very limited success. I’m not interested in being thrown a bone by her every now and then (oh lucky me, sex for my birthday or fathers day). It is easier at this point to just take care of any needs on my own rather than once again hope she is going to discover some type of sexual awakening (sometimes I think she’s in a sexual coma) just because she upped the frequency to twice in a month due to holidays or her own libido getting a momentary shock to conscientiousness before returning back to perpetual hibernation.
My comments are not so much looking for help but to share the thoughts and feelings of a man that doesn’t have an addiction, finds his wife attractive, doesn’t have low testosterone, etc. My situation; and I suspect of many other men, is one where I have read and listened to the instructions/suggestions of the experts and followed them to the “T” with little or nothing to show for my efforts.
My comments to the wives that say their husband is not interested b/c they gained a few pounds or are not 20 anymore, etc. are to get over yourselves. Saying that really means you are calling your husband, as well as men in general, stupid and shallow which we are not. I would suspect in many cases it is the wife projecting her own insecurities or inadequacies onto her husband thus, making those things his problem. The truth of the matter is we understand your weight and body changes the same way you understand ours. In that vein, I would be more interested at this point in being intimate with someone not as attractive, a bit heavier, a bit older than my wife so long as there was some semblance of enjoying intimate time with me and not using sex as a loyalty rewards system.
No, I’m not looking to cheat or find a way out of the marriage. I love my wife and my family. What I’m saying is that like someone on death row who has run out of appeals, I have accepted my fate. I don’t like it but, it is what it is. The one thing I can do is educate others so that they don’t find themselves in my position… waiting for the needle. If you know that sex is an important part of a relationship for you, accept that and be good with it. If you find someone interesting and attractive but one of you is much more sexual than the other, it is best to move on because one, if not both, of you will be unhappy down the road.
This man speaks the truth. Reading your comment felt like I was reading the story of my current life. Of all the words on this page, yours are the most relevant.
“to share the thoughts and feelings of a man that doesn’t have an addiction, finds his wife attractive, doesn’t have low testosterone, etc.”
Notice you have listed mostly of what you don’t do. People who don’t do anything aren’t attractive, where is the life?
Perhaps you’re problem isn’t about what you don’t do, it’s about what you do. Do you pursue your life’s goals and dreams without stifling them because of what you think your wife thinks? If you are deeply unhappy about a situation, do you have the will to change it?
How can you truly love someone who facilitates you comparing your life to a person on death row??!! Perhaps you don’t actually know love and have chosen to settle out of fear of change..
Ok i understand what ur saying. I feel im wearing ur shoes. My husband is not very sexual, usally about 1 wk. But after we got married now its 1x month. We have been married since February.im going crazy trying to figure it out as to y all of a sudden there’s a change. Any suggestions thanks
My wife and I have been together for 25 years, she has lost interest in the way she treats me, I’m not a priority, we have raised 2 kids now in their 20s, she would rather do things for other people than for me, make a long story short, she does not appreciate what I do, who I am, I know she loves me very much but, not even to offer me soup when I’m sick,? And she has admitted to doing it on purpose, even tho she said she knew it was wrong, she would call me ugly names u can call a man. Now I have felt like leaving home 3 times over the last 2 years maybe, she has noticed my change, I told her I felt depressed about this and I was not happy anymore, this has caused me to drink a lot more beer, even have a cigarette here and there, and I never smoked before. I have found that attention and kindness somewhere else, for the last 2 months, she treats me like a king, I told her I was married and scared her away at first, but as we kept texting we got closer to each other, she is also 15 years younger than me, I don’t know what to do, now my wife is freaking out when I told her I was not happy, I asked her to spice up our sex lives, for her to get on a diet plan, she said” I’m 42 this is what you get”……..WTF? seems to me she is not willing to do anything about it, now I have lost interest on all the things I do at home
“Ladies, you know how easy it is for us to become critical.”
And there you have the absolute top #1 reason that men physically or emotionally leave relationships. Hope all that criticizing brings you so very much peace and happiness.
I don’t comment on stuff like this, but because I found it helpful reading these different scenarios, I’ll add mine. After 15 years of marriage, I’ve come to an impasse. As the topic suggests, I am not attracted to my wife. Truth be told, I never have been. Not physically. We met after we had both been through a drought and quickly committed to each other. We had sex early on, but once the newness wore off and we had discovered our limits, the bloom fell off the rose. I married her anyway, because she embodied the other qualities I wanted in a wife. Church going, giving, trustworthy, loyal, honest, limited bad habits and shared some common interests. I knew she’d be a good mother to my kids, and let’s face it guys, to me too. Everyone who has met my wife, loves her. Everything was great, except sex. She was never what one would call sexy, either in appearance or manor. We went about building a life anyway. I was the breadwinner, she took care of the house and children. I satisfied my sexual needs with porn. She buried hers with low self esteem. When I say porn, I’m not talking about watching porn hours on end, I’m talking about 5 minutes on redtube to clear the pipes and go back to work. The only intimate contact we had was a kiss before she went up to bed and that has even stopped the last year or so. Our friendship eroded too. When we went out with friends, we did so to hang out with the friends, not each other. We didn’t go out with each other because then we’d have to talk to each other and we’d run out of things to talk about. I couldn’t care less, and didn’t want to hear about the drama that was her life outside the home. This summer, I met the perfect temptation. A woman going through a divorce who thinks I’m sexy as hell. I’m not! but she swears she thinks I am. I find her very attractive. We definitely spark when together. She’s all the things my wife is not, but does not have the other fine qualities my wife has. I don’t trust her. I don’t know that she’ll be loyal. She has bad habits. She’s had a rough life, and may not be the best mother and so on, but in the bedroom, we rock. We also have mutual interests beyond sex. I enjoy spending time with her by my side. When people see us together, they must think “he must have money”. Could be why she’s with me, but I’m not sure I care at this point. I don’t necessarily see myself with this woman long term. All I know is, she’s laid bare the deficiencies in my marriage. For the past week, since my wife found out about my girlfriend, I have been staying at the lake place several hours drive from both women. My wife wants me to kick the girlfriend to the curb, come home, and work on our relationship. My girlfriend wants me to leave my wife and run away with her. Given the lack of physical attraction, I don’t know if it’s fair for me to go back home. I don’t know if that will ever change, and if it doesn’t, I’m pretty sure I’ll wind up in this same mess again down the road. At a minimum, I’ll resort back to porn, and really, isn’t that a form of cheating? My wife deserves to be with someone who thinks the sun rises and sets on her lumpy shapeless ass, because I’m sure that guy is out there. She’s a fantastic woman. Just not sure she’s the right one for me anymore. Major change, major pain, sucks.
Roy,
Your wife does deserve to be with someone who doesn’t cheat, doesn’t use porn to avoid intimacy and doesn’t ridicule her personal appearance. I hope you will come to respect your wife enough to be transparent about your needs, your disappointments and your lies.
@Roy…you disgust me. Why did you marry your wife in the first place if you didn’t find her attractive?
You said that one of her “good” qualities was going to church. That’s funny, because your own behavior isn’t very Christian.
I agree with Kim…your wife deserves better. She deserves somebody who loves her, is faithful to her, and sees beauty in her.
Maybe she has low self-esteem because of your attitude. Women can tell when somebody doesn’t find us attractive, and that can influence how we respond. Try making her feel loved and appreciated…you might be surprised at what happens. Being desired is a turn-on to a lot of women. Take her on a date, hold her hand, tell her something nice about herself.
Your attitude about her is hurtful and ugly. No wonder she doesn’t want sex with you. If you change the way you look at her, things will change in your marriage.
Also, you’re married. You shouldn’t have a “girlfriend”. It seems that you are somebody who likes the thrill of having something new and different (the porn, the girlfriend, etc.)
The problem is that life doesn’t work that way. Relationships require trust, honesty and caring.
I’m sorry if this sounds like a personal attack. But really, it is so important to communicate in a marriage.
And it is also important to treat your wife the way YOU want to be treated. What if your wife said these horrible things about you? What if she cheated on you and compared you with other men? Think about it.
This was a good read for me. I have been the brunt of some “husband bashing” and I really lost a lot of attraction I felt for my wife and that led to part of the decline in sex. Another thing that led to the decline was her attitude towards her health. She takes blood pressure medicine yet refuses to lose any of the 60 lbs her Dr recommends. I have been losing weight, working out and watching my diet since being diagnosed with type 2 diabetes several years ago. At 52 I’m in probably the best shape of my life. I am high drive but it’s my wife’s attitude about herself that plays a significant role in this as well. When we do have sex which lately is once every two to three weeks, it isn’t vanilla by any stretch.
In my situation the number one reason I don’t really want sex is the fact the for many years I was constantly rejected when I initiated, sometimes for six months or more before we would have sex. This was the thing that left the deepest scars for me. I think subconsciously (now that I’m the more attractive of us) I’m passive agressively giving her pay back, using the same excuses she used on me all those years.
Every once in a while though, my wife will start working out and watching her diet and my attraction to her builds. It’s not because she is losing weight, it’s because her attitude totally changes. She gets happier, more talkative, flirty and all around more fun. When this happens I have a hard time keeping my hands off of her.
I know I may sound like a total asshat but we’ve kept it together for over 30 years and now with our kids close to leaving, we are working on us and are trying to rekindle what we once had. We both know the spark is still there, we just have to figure out how to get the flame.
Hi Mike. Thanks so much for taking the time to respond to my blog. Congratulations on the way you’ve taken control of your health. I would encourage you and your wife to do the same with your relationship! Be intentional! Plan time to be together just like you plan your meals and workouts! Many folks need help in figuring out just how to get started, so feel free to call our office if you’d like to work on this with on of our coaches. Wishing you the best, Kim.
@Mike…I agree with Kim. Congrats on your long marriage; hopefully things will get even better with time!
Yes, being rejected hurts. In my situation I am a wife whose husband shows very little interest in sex.
We exercise together but he just isn’t a sexual person at all. You are so lucky…once every two to three weeks?! I would love it if that happened in my marriage. It happens maybe 3 times a year now.
Anyway, I guess we have to keep trying and not give up.
I don’t know if reading all these responses helps because I know I’m not alone or hurts because I’m not alone. I have been married for 25 years and have never felt that “spark” with my wife. I never found her particularly attractive but told myself that being in love with her heart and personality is more important. I’ve spent the last 25 years still trying to convince myself of this as her attractiveness becomes less and less. Even her heart and personality has changed. I guess we all do when we get older, right? If you try and convince yourself that looks and sex don’t matter, you’re only kidding yourself. They do! We have sex once or twice a year and the last time, I was so unattracted, that I couldn’t even perform…even on “the little blue pill”. I often fantasize about leaving. It is all extremely depressing, actually. I am not one to upset the apple cart, especially that we have two kids, so I’ll probably just deal with it. It’s quiet depressing really. It’s not what I envisioned when I envisioned growing old.
Reading all the comments, which are pro working on your marriage, taking effort in trying to rekindle the lost spark, spending more time together etc. Etc., makes me feel scared and alone.
I’ve been married for 11 years, before marriage I used to feel attraction towards my wife (then gf). It was never crazy attraction, but it was there, I guess because of crazy hormones…she wasn’t that driven by hormones that time I guess because I used to be one always hungry for more…but ever since we got married 10 years back…I have never felt that attraction for her….I have never fantasized about her in her absence…i never felt the spark….i have never felt horny thinking about her….but i dont think i dont have a good sex drive because i cant seem to keep my eyes off atttactive women anywhere….i do watch porn to relieve my sexual frustration….and i often think about how gr8 it would be to find a attractive woman with whom i would love to spend time…but where i come from it is difficult to cheat even if u want to…
Is it fundamentally wrong to desire hot sex? And if you are not getting it from your wife how are you to deal with it?
Are we all supposed to be saint…godspeed to those who feel fulfilled in their marriage…but what abt those who dont…arent their feelings real….isnt that reality of life?….now u say to feel lustful towards my wife i need to work on it….in the hope that few years down the line i will feel that….but what about now?…how am i to cope wiith my extreme sexual frustration, dissatisfaction, discontentedness? It is driving me to extreme depression and despair and emptiness….nobody cheats or watches porn out of choice….but thats the reality of life…shd marriage be so binding that it sucks the energy, enthusiasm out of ones life
I really need help…i think im spiralling into a bottomless pit
I’m so sorry you are feeling such despair and anguish. Marriage should not suck the energy and enthusiasm out of life, it should enhance it. We have a Marriage & Relationship Coach whose specialty is sexual addictions. He would be an excellent resource for you to help you explore your situation and find solutions. We offer a free 15-minute consult to set up a coaching program. Let me know if you would be interested in this either by replying to this message or calling our main number. Wishing you well.
TL for Kim
They say marriage counseling doesn’t work. I firmly believe that.
Cheri, I’m not sure who “they” are, but I can tell you that marriage counseling CAN work. It takes the cooperation of both partners to put in the time, energy, and effort to do the work. It takes a counselor who knows what they’re doing, one who specializes in marriage counseling, one who believes marriages are worth saving. Some marriage counselors aren’t really pro-marriage. Some couples aren’t really interested in making the changes or doing the work to make their marriage better. Sometimes, one partner is more interested in “fixing” their spouse instead of figuring out how they’re contributing to the problems. All of our counselors are working with clients who were thinking about divorcing but are now working to stay together. I firmly believe the marriage counseling can work.
I have got to say. Alot of what was written here i can relate to myself ..but what makes me wonder is. after reading thru so many different comments about people who are married for way longer then i am ‘I was at least hoping to see one positive story or happy ending where a couple is married for a while and they are sexualy happy. It seems to me that marriage is about everything but sex. I have never heard someone say ‘look at us. Were married for that long and our sexual intimacy is so great.. Bottom line. The way I look at it there is a very small percentage of marriages that are sexualy ok..
Me myself. Before i met my wife i used to sleep with many different girls. We had amazing sexual chemistry and i was always more then willing and ready. But for some reason. From day one i met my wife its not the same. Whenever we do have sex its just because we both feel guilty that we haven’t had sex in 2 months. For me personally its not because i want it.. all of this makes me very depressed and lost..
Steave, There are many sexually happy married couples out there, but no doubt, sexual intimacy is something with which many couples do struggle. But it’s not that it can’t be better. It’s just that couples often don’t know how to make it better or, even more so, why it’s not great to begin with. Please check your email when you have a few moments. Warmly, Kim
We’ve been married for just short of 50 years! And i thought that men would have sex at pretty much the drop of a hat. Shortly after we married I found out that was not true, we were both virgins and sex was easy maybe a little clumbsy. After a few months he explained that sex wasn’t his cup of tea, that in fact he had no desire for sex with me or any one else. He went to doctor’s but that didn’t help he became recluse like and crawled in to his own world. He never slept with me and finally moved to our basement and all these years later its been the same. I did find out years ago he was taking meds for depression, high blood pressure and cholesterol meds. I couldn’t talk to him and its the same today, he has no friends all he does is putter around his work shop day after day, goes no where! He walks away if I approach him! So we only had sex a few times no kids, I wanted at least one little one. It can’t happen now way to old and I guess I really don’t care any more. I should have gotten professional help but I didn’t, that’s my fault or maybe I should have just left him. He probably wouldn’t have even noticed that I was gone. I took care of myself but never far enough to leave.
I was just looking around online to figure out if the things I am feeling and experiencing were a common issue. Lots of things I can relate to here and seeing some of the bitterness and resent from the other side only seems to reinforce my own guilt. Things have been bad between my spouse and I since we had our son 6 years ago. Shit got real and it took a while to adjust. Things have been really bad the past year as we both have disconnected more and more with every conflict. I guess when things get to a chronic baseline of shitty or not so shitty. It was pointed out to me that she is trying to get prepared in case she has no choice to leave if I dont get my priorities straight. For some reason that pissed me of into looking into counseling, not to get started on fixing things, but to get perspective from a professional on whether there is anything left to fix. I told her I wanted to see a counselor to figure out where we stand and she said fine but basically the majority of our problems are my fault. I am glad she said that as angry as it made me. I started reflecting on our entire relationship from day 1. I was never attracted to her but we met at a weird point. I had been betrayed and cheated on in my previous 3 relationships so I had no intention of staying with her. We got along great and had fun so I tried to just make it work thinking I was just being shallow. That “spark” so many have spoken about here was never present for myself also. I know divorce sucks, but I am not sure staying with someone I do not get along with and cannot even fake being attracted to would be better. We have sex maybe 8 times a year (and dwindling), and I really dont care. Have not been satisfied once in over six months. We usually stop because I am exhausted and its just not going to happen. I know this is too much to share in one go, just have hardly anyobe to discuss this with. Hopefully the counselor can tell us if we can work on it or start working on ending it. She blames me for most of our marriage problems because I dont act like I care. I am starting to think she is right after some reflection. Just wanted to share the mess I am in. I am not trying to be an asshole, I already feel immense guilt for the state of our relationship and how I feel. I dont know why I posted this. Guess it feels better to get it out somewhere. Thanks.
It is obvious there is a lot of pain and frustration for both of you. It can be so hard to make good decisions when you are feeling all of these emotions. I hope both of you will try and work on this before calling it quits. Lots of relationships get to this point of desperation, but it doesn’t mean things are as hopeless as it seems. It just means you have a lot of feelings and emotions that need to be sorted out with someone who can help you make sense of them. If we can be of any service to you, please contact us.
Kim
I’ve been married 4 years. We met via internet (e-harmony) and immediately connected on a deep level, hard to describe but almost viscerally an emotional level. We’re both practicing Christians and also felt a sense that this was right for us to get married. There wasn’t much physical spark even at the start, for me anyway. Sex has always been difficult from the start – me not able to ‘finish’ half the time, get never ever getting aroused. It’s a huge issue. No one time me sex would be such a big problem. We almost never how’ve sex now, except when trying to have a baby.
So I really identify with the stories of the guys who are basically saying there has never been a “spark”, and who got married for reasons other than sexual attraction (they love the person with their heart, they are friends, or whatever etc). We’re good friends, loving and considerate to each other.
However, the problem is there is no spark for me, and hasn’t ever been. And it causes absolute turmoil inside me almost every day. It is corrosive to the relationship , a huge struggle. You get by, you try to accept it and ‘work on it’ whatever that means. Occasionally a quick fall to the temptation of porn or masturbation provides a release (which i regret afterwards).
The question is what do you do about it? Has any guy who has this issue ever made progress with it?
What doesn’t help is saying things like “why did you marry her?” – i said the reasons above. I’m married now, i have a bibical commitment to stay in this marriage, i promised ‘for better or for worse ‘, i desperately want to make it work, I’m prepared to do whatever it takes.
“Stop the porn” – well for me it’s an occasional once a month 5 minute thing, and it’s a symptom of lack of sexual spark not a cause. A woman wants to feel attractive and have nice comments but if the attraction isn’t there that’s the cause. How do you make a woman feel genuinely wanted when you don’t want her sexually?
“Treat her with respect”. Ok i do, in fact i do way more than my fair share of tasks to support us – running a business, most of the cooking, shopping, all the practical stuff (bills, finances, car and house maintenance) because she struggles with tiredness and depression. She watches hours of TV a night and is on Facebook the rest of the time.
The core of the problem is my lack of physical attraction to her. Can this ever be helped? If we ‘work on’ relationship stuff will that help create a spark in the bedroom? I’m just asking for a bit of hope here. If it’s actually possible to go from ‘absolute disaster’ to ‘mildly satisfying’ i think I’d be content with that. Otherwise a really hard road lies ahead for the next 50 years.
Quietman, Thank you for sharing your personal story. Please check your inbox as I sent you an email earlier today. Warmly, Kim
This is exactly how my husband feels about me. What can I do to help him find me attractive again and want to be intimate with me?
Lana, what a painful situation to be in, for both of you. Our Marriage and Relationship Coaches would be happy to offer you guidance and support during this trying time. If you would like to look into our Coaching services, call our office and we can get that process started for you. TL for Kim
Oh man, you have to think about whether your choices are for the better or the worse. If you two have kids, eventually those children will feel and bring up that you two do not connect. That feeling casts a very real tone. Pretending its not there or happening is just priming a powder keg. Its horribly painful and uncomfortable to realise and address that you dont desire your mate al all. I think I will go to my grave with so many less regrets when I cam express this to my spouse. Yeah, physical attractraction is fleating, but if its never there……… I am working thru this issue now. It sucks, but sometimes finding happieness requires pain.
How do I get rid of my attraction to my wife? I am still very much attracted to her but she wants absolutely nothing to do with me. Married for 10 years this past Oct. 3 kids (6,3,and 6 months)
This Christmas it will be 1 year since she allowed me to have sex with her. I literally can’t remember the last time she wanted me. For the last several years it’s just been her “job” The she reluctantly had to do. I’ve told myself a million times not to put my arms around her anymore, look at her, kiss her, hold her. But I can’t help it.
So, how do I get rid of that feeling?!
Steve, reading your comment makes me sad for you. To desire someone and not have the desire returned is tough. The story I’m making up is that you think losing your desire for your spouse would be favorable to continuing on in a sexless marriage. And perhaps it would be, if only there were a magic pill for that. But alas there isn’t and though it sounds easier and less painful to lose your desire for your spouse, the most rewarding work would be in addressing the issues causing the sexual disconnect in your marriage. If you haven’t done so already, I encourage you to seek out professional help. If your wife isn’t willing to participate, I encourage you to go at it alone. You’d be amazed at the change possible in a marriage even when only one spouse is putting forth the effort. And you have even extra incentive, with 3 little ones who who will benefit greatly from the investment you make into your marriage. Wishing you the best, Kim
Hey Kim, just want to thank you for your time, empathy, input, and kindness to all of us desperate people. Thank you.
Your kind words mean a lot to me. Thank you very much for taking the time to send them.
Warmly,
Kim
Maybe marriage is an artificial arrangement, the goal of which was never help anyone be ‘happy’? One finds all kinds of historical inquiry into marriage that basically reaches the conclusion that it was designed, basically, as a method of controlling women and wealth. Sure, there are people here and there with charmed brain structures which allow them to remain full of dopamine even within such an arrangement. But if not, perhaps the legal marriage contract itself coupled with antiquated social stigma about ‘breaking up a marriage’ (as if there’s some third thing besides the people involved) which forms the real basis of some marriage problems? All kinds of cultures handle (or handled) sex and marriage in different and more communal ways. Is that bad somehow? Maybe we need to reevaluate what we’re trying to do when we get married, and assess whether marriage is the right way to get it done. Because if passing down an inheritance by a legal contract and ensuring the purity of your bloodline isn’t your goal, maybe marriage isn’t the best idea.
Treiz, I suppose this is one way to view marriage! I don’t think you’ll find anywhere in my writings where I say “marriage is for everyone!”. It’s not. But for those that desire marriage and more importantly, a high-functioning, mutually rewarding marriage, my desire is to offer them sound advice that can help them achieve their relationship goals. Whatever your personal goals are, I wish you much happiness. Kim
Years ago I had come off of a heartbreaking relationship, my fiance dumped me and I was devastated. I was completely in love with her, there was a true infatuation I had this girl. I met my future wife shortly after on the rebound. I was never 100% attracted to her, body was fine but her face was not what I desired however she pursued me and made me feel less lonely and sex was frequent. Soon after we were married the sex slowed down significantly and it became a chore for her and I always had to beg. 15 years later we are in our early 40’s and she is totally disinterested in sex. Now her youthful looks have faded as she has seemed to age significantly faster than I have and we are the same age. Sex is now done out of pity for me and recently I have had problems “getting it up”. For a few weeks I thought it was low T or something wrong with me. But I still have morning erections and could bang anything that walks. I realized its her attitude that completely turns me off. We have kids so I could never leave, they are too important so I suffer in silence. Also, who wants to be alone in their elderly years? Its very hard because women of all ages are still attracted to me but I am trapped unable to do anything about it. As someone else mentioned, I never imagined I would end up in this predicament as I got older. Sucks.
Linden, I read this and can’t help but wonder if how you feel about your wife is as much about how she makes you feel as it is about how she looks. In the beginning you felt special to her. Now you mention that you feel your wife sees sex as a “chore”.. I’ve seen it time and again in my practice – when a man feels undesirable to his spouse he naturally pulls away and justifies it by convincing himself he’s not attracted to her, etc. It’s a self-defense mechanism that attempts to protect us from the emotional pain. The problem is, it ultimately creates more pain in the relationship. You say you are committed if for no other reason than for the kids, so I encourage you to do everything you can to better the relationship. I don’t mean “just” more sex, but that is part of it. If you haven’t done so already, I would encourage you to read my post https://themarriageplace.com/2017/01/not-having-sex-in-marriage/ and specifically the section on having honest and open dialogue with your spouse about what you need in the relationship, both sexually and otherwise. My latest post on non-sexual touch would be another good read for you I think. If working with someone on my team interests you, please give us a call. Thanks for taking the time to read and comment. Kim