What Not Having Sex Does to Your Marriage

Not Having SexNot Having Sex

A lot of couples I see in my office eventually end up sharing that they’re not having sex. Lately, I’m seeing a lot of angry, shut down men. That’s a good clue for what is really going on.

When a couple isn’t having sex, it is usually the wives who initiate therapy. They feel they are losing their husbands or they are worried because their husband is often angry and irritable. Sometimes they are in my office because the husband had an affair, or because he said he wanted a divorce.

I start the therapy process and eventually it comes out there has been very little sex for months or years. I say eventually because the wife doesn’t mention it – she doesn’t think it is that big a deal.

She knows they don’t have sex often but they get along in every other way and he doesn’t complain about it much. The husband doesn’t mention it right away because he is embarrassed or even humiliated. What man wants someone to know his own wife doesn’t want him?

If you aren’t having sex in your marriage, it is a big deal.

It means something is off. The longer you ignore this the harder the punch will be when you are forced to deal.

Every. Single. Time. Every single time, the wife is surprised….shocked at how angry and hurt and rejected her husband feels because they aren’t having sex. Sure. She admits knowing they weren’t having sex. She admits knowing it was a problem for him. But she didn’t realize just how much of a problem.

Let me tell you what happens to the guy you sleep with every night when you reject his advances: he feels inadequate.

He questions whether or not you love him at all.

He fears he is disappointing you sexually and that is the reason you turn him down. He feels completely helpless and then starts to resent the hell out of you for putting him in a powerless position.

He may act out in ways to alleviate both his sexual frustration and his building resentment toward you by using porn or having an affair.  He often avoids coming home and works longer hours.

He will justify this by believing you forced him to do it.

Then he may get even angrier with you.

Because he really just wants to be loved by YOU.

At least he does until he is so angry and so shut down he starts to despise you. When it gets that bad, he tries to stay civil but the contempt leaks out at times and this confuses you. But it also helps justify to you that it is ok not to have sex. After all, who wants to have sex with a jerk?

All of these intense feelings are going on under the surface and you are oblivious to how much pain he is in. Partly because he has not been direct enough in telling you. But partly because you don’t want to see his pain.

When he has tried to talk about it, you have responded by telling him “all you want is sex.” This infuriates him and widens the chasm between you. It makes him feel hopeless and he thinks if all he wanted was sex, he sure wouldn’t be here with you.

Then he notices that you have also started pulling away from non-sexual physical affection. You stiffen when he hugs you. You give him “push off” kisses that let him know you don’t have the time or desire to linger. At some point, to protect himself, he comes to accept this is his “normal.”

He is trapped in a sexless marriage.

And he starts to detach.

This is the point most men leave the marriage.

Men Not Having Sex: Here’s How to Talk With Your Wife

If this is happening in your marriage, wake up now! Guys, if this sounds like your situation, be direct with your wife about your feelings.

Let her know that something has to change. Tell her how much pain you feel and how much it hurts to feel so rejected time and time again. Don’t hide behind your embarrassment or humiliation.  You aren’t the only man who feels trapped in a sexless marriage.  I see it all the time.  Your only way out of this is to speak up or leave.  Leaving may seem easier but it rips the family apart.  

Stay respectful, but tell her! If she doesn’t get it, force the issue by making an appointment for the two of you to talk with a marriage expert. If she doesn’t want to join you, go alone.  Don’t make the excuse that you have tried to tell her.  Every couple I’ve seen in this situation has a wife who tells me she didn’t know things were this bad.  You haven’t told her directly enough until you put the marriage on hold in other ways to get her attention.  Don’t be afraid to find out exactly why you aren’t having sex.  Whatever the reason, there is very likely a solution but you may never resolve this without some answers. 

Women Not Having Sex: Here’s How to Respond

Ladies, there are a lot of reasons why you may not desire sex or desire sex with your husband. Ignoring the problem and avoiding sex is the coward’s way out. If you don’t like the quality of sex, talk about it, go to therapy, read some books together. Fix it.

If there are emotional issues that dampen the mood, deal with those also. It is natural for you to not desire sex if your husband is inattentive, controlling, critical or abusive.  If this is happening in your marriage, you have some big problems to address.  Use this opportunity to make things better.  If you love your husband, find a way to deal with this because one day you may get an ugly surprise.  You may think all those “not tonight” moments aren’t that big a deal, but I promise you, they come with a price.  Your husband needs to know you love him.  He views his sexual needs as a huge part of the marriage deal.  

Call us or contact us online, and let us help you figure out what you need to start enjoying sex with your husband again. But if you keep avoiding the issue, you may find yourself discussing these things with a divorce attorney instead.

Not Having Sex is a big deal!

It’s time we start talking about it and learning how to enjoy each other more. It is heartbreaking to see the pain that not having sex is causing couples.

Stop the misery and get some help. At The Marriage Place, we can work with you to help you figure out why you aren’t having sex–and even better–help you enjoy it!

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I Never Loved You – How to Respond When Your Spouse Says This Hurtful Phrase

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“I Never  Loved You.”

If your spouse has said this to you, I’m sorry.  It is incredibly painful to hear. 

At one point I said this in my own marriage, and my husband still remembers how it made him feel all these years later. 

Those words devastated him. 

He just couldn’t wrap his brain around them.  How could I say them? What if they were true? Was our entire life together, up to that point, a lie?

Here is the really strange thing:  I absolutely meant it when I said those words to him. 

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out how our marriage got to such a low point. 

I felt nothing for him but contempt. 

I was so angry, and then I was just so defeated I felt nothing at all, which was worse in so many ways.  I felt this anger and then this apathy for so long I couldn’t remember ever feeling love. 

I remembered our wedding, but the memory became duller.  The colors were less vivid – the day less joyful.

The “I Never Loved You” Syndrome is Clinically Studied and Personally Proven – by me.

John Gottman has research that shows if you feel negatively about someone long enough, something happens in the brain to literally change your memories of that person.  He calls it “negative sentiment override”.  As a clinician, that is fascinating and a little unbelievable.  But I’m telling you, when it happens TO you, it is mind blowing. 

I’m a rational person.  I make big decisions every day with my business.  I know my own mind and thoughts. 

And yet, I was deluded into thinking I never really loved my husband.  I thank God every day I came to my senses. 

It took several key factors for me to be able to come back to reality. 

I’ve listed them here for you so that if your spouse has told you this, you can at least have some guideline to help you get through this.

“Drop the Rope”

The more my husband fought me on my feelings, the more determined I became in making them real. 

When my husband believed me and stopped pressuring me to see things his way, or explain how I could feel these things, I was able to take a step back and breathe. 

We call this technique “drop the rope.” When my husband quit telling me he loved me every day, I was able to stop squirming and feeling so uncomfortable around him every minute.  I knew he loved me.  But when he would say it often, it would make me feel itchy.  I just wanted him to go away. 

When he pulled back, I stopped dreading being around him. 

For months we lived as roommates but I was no longer avoiding and running from him. Over time, things just got easier, and one day I felt myself wanting to be with him.  It was confusing!  But I could explore those feelings without any threat because he wasn’t pressuring me. 

I didn’t feel pushed to make a decision about divorce or reconciliation. 

Honestly, I don’t know how my husband was able to emotionally stand this time.  It was so hard for him to just wait for months to see if I could possibly want to be married again. He was so lonely and hurt.  I was so self-absorbed and distant.  Now, I want to shake myself and say, “you selfish little twit” but during that time, I was not in my right mind.  My husband’s patience allowed me time to work it out and come to my senses. 

He never pressured me for sex.  Which is good. 

I’m sure that would have sent me to the guest room or to an apartment.  He created a very safe environment for me.

He didn’t let me treat him badly or rudely. 

He stood up for himself appropriately.  If he had allowed me take advantage of the situation by letting me have my way all the time, or talking ugly to him I would have lost all respect for him. 

When I was really angry I would lash out at him, and he would calmly tell me that I could live there with him and have all the space I needed to figure things out, but I could not be abusive. 

He told me I had to clean it up or move out.  Wow!  That took courage.  But it also made me look at him in a different way.  It made him more attractive to me. 

I was a complete fool during that awful time in our marriage.  But I eventually did come to my senses and I’m hoping your spouse will also.  In the meantime, you have to know how to give your spouse space but maintain your dignity and respect at the same time. 

What Doesn’t Work

There is a popular program out there that gives really bad advice to people in this situation.  They tell you to buy your spouse gifts and write them cards every day.  I’m telling you, this would have made things much worse for us.  I would have felt suffocated.  I would have felt pity for my husband and his pathetic attempts to win me back.  I would have left him.

Our Trained Coaches Can Help

Our coaches are trained in techniques like “drop the rope” and “yank the chain”. They kind of sound like torture devices!  But our techniques can really work if you know when and how to use them.  Our coaches get relationship training from the top experts in this country and we meet weekly to train and stay up-to-date on the latest research. 

Look, you are in a tough spot.  It can be confusing to know where to turn for advice. Make sure you work with someone who knows what they are doing.  When I opened a new business, I hired a business coach.  I wanted to avoid costly mistakes.  Be smart about your relationship.  Hire a good marriage coach and work with them regularly. 

Your life is worth this investment.  Your family is worth fighting for. 

We can help you navigate through the next several months.  I won’t lie.  This is going to be difficult.  So make sure you get all the help and support you need. 

Call us at 972-441-4432 or send us an email here.

In the meantime, take care of yourself.  Find things you enjoy and indulge.  You need some self-love right now. If I could, I would give you a big hug and some chocolate.  It always makes me feel better. ☺


Kim

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