Category Archives: Communication

Too much drama in your relationship? Here is why

As a marriage counselor, if there’s one common theme between the couples I work with, it would have to be how quickly and easily one or both overreacts to the other. It could be a simple eye roll that triggers a defensive response from the other. Or one person gets quiet because they don’t want to upset the other because of something they may say or do.

Reactivity (rage, depression, isolation, hopelessness, etc.) in relationships tends to stem from an activation of a previous experience from our distant past usually around childhood (all unbeknownst to us as adults). Any parenting that lacked the love and nurture a child needs has the strong potential to leave an imprint of how we view ourselves and the world around us as adults. These childhood experiences creates a narrative of “I can’t trust you because you’ll hurt me” or “I’m not good enough”. This is especially true within a marriage relationship that has experienced disappointments, hurts, and wounds.

When we allow feelings that have not been dealt with properly (such as shame) from our childhood to follow us into our adulthood, we tend to react in 1 of 3 ways. We can find ourselves attacking our spouse, beating ourselves up in our head, or slowly withdrawing emotionally from the relationship.

If you are reactive but you don’t know why, the answer may be found in your family of origin. Somewhere in your upbringing, you realized the only way to deal with hurtful situations is to pull inward, run, or fight back. This worked for you effectively as a child to protect you from feeling the pain of disappointment. However, as an adult using the same strategies will kill true intimacy in a relationship over a period of time.

These intense feelings can be dealt with it in a healthy manner. It will require coming to terms with our past, understanding our coping strategies, viewing ourselves with kindness, and committing to show up differently each and every day.

If you’re looking for a new beginning, we encourage you to visit our Breaking Free Workshop page. We would love to help you experience freedom from the past so you may live more in the present and build a better tomorrow!

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The Mother-in-Law Conundrum

Dealing With MILs – Infographic.

When you get married to your partner, you inherit a new extension to your family in the form of your in-laws.

For the majority, this is a wonderful experience and a welcome addition to your life. You are gaining a wider family unit, one that will care for you hugely and vice-versa.

However, there are some instances where in-laws and specifically Mother-in-laws (MILs) can cause issues. It’s usually due to them being overprotective about their son or daughter being “lost” to another individual and might stem from the fact that they feel their position as the chief carer is now in danger. They fear being forgotten and bypassed for the partner and simply abhor the thought of sharing their offspring with another human.

Some MILs might not even be aware that they’re behaving in this way but it can be hugely upsetting for the new partner involved and cause great issues for them personally and in their relationship. Interfering MILs sometimes also like to rear their heads when grandchildren arrive; they feel their experience of nurturing a family gives them the right to heavily immerse themselves into the new child’s upbringing. Of course, they do have a role in this new addition. They are the grandparent after all, but it’s how they choose to deal with this is the crux of the matter. They can be supporting and loving and offer advice and help when it’s needed but the problems happen when they interfere and criticize unnecessarily.

It can be a difficult situation to fix but it is definitely common! The people at Loyes Diamonds have put together this infographic which hopefully deals with some of the concerns and offers some solutions to those experiencing (or creating) MIL problems.

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