Three Questions That Can Change Your Marriage
June 18, 2015
Think Back to Your First Years of Marriage
Remember when you first met your spouse, and hours passed that seemed like seconds, and you got butterflies just thinking about him or her?
Unfortunately, I have many clients sit down in my office who come in, where they just don’t have those “feelings” anymore, and their marriage has turned into more of a companionship and roommate situation than a romantic, intimate marriage. One spouse inevitably says “I’m not in love anymore,” and the other spouse is shocked.
Fighting Hard to Stay In Love
As I mentioned in my post, A Marriage Counselor’s Secret Confession, “Soulmates aren’t found, they are created through commitment, perseverance and hard work.” My husband and I have been married for over 25 years, and we’ve fought hard for our marriage to be where it is today.
It’s a tough battle that has been fought, and won, by many couples in our office. Even if your spouse won’t agree to come with you to counseling at first, we can help you find ways to work on your side of the marriage.
Three Questions to Ask Yourself to Change Your Marriage Dialogue
- Do you know your spouse’s Love Language? Marriage expert Gary Chapman qualifies five different ways people give and receive love. By speaking your spouse’s language, you can more easily convey that you value them.
- Are you casting blame on your spouse? Often times, when we feel like we may lose our marriage, we blame our spouse. Stop and consider if you have internal-dialogue with yourself, blaming your spouse for your unhappiness all the time. Recognizing it is the first step in making a shift.
- Do you nag your spouse, or are you able to give kind, constructive criticism? Start by sitting down with your spouse and letting them know how you feel. For example, “I feel ______ when this happens in front of our friends.” By using “I statements” you are not accusing or nagging, just starting a conversation. Keep in mind that behind every complaint is a request. Drop the complaint and stick with the request.
Take A Next Step to Change Your Marriage
Regain the connection in your marriage with help to move past resentment and find the way back to hope. Love is a great place to start, but it certainly isn’t all you need. The Marriage Place brings together both people in a relationship to create something bigger and better…and far more powerful.
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I’m trying to fight hard to keep my wife but we are in a bad place. She says she no longer loves me and asked me to move out. I read on your website that I should not move out and if she chooses to move out to let her. I’m wondering how that applies at home. I told her I would not move out. She did not move out but asked me to sleep in the guest room which I have for 2 nights. Should I continue to do that or should I do the same as not moving out and tell her that I will be staying in our bedroom and if she chooses to sleep elsewhere let her? I would rather let her stay in our room because I care about her but I am also wanting to do everything I can to save my marriage even if it means she is mad at me for a while.
Kirsty, My husband reads a similar number of books to yours, but he never buys books for me; he thinks I have enough already and wont have a clue what to get! I’m pleased that you have managed to find someone special and love him despite his taste in reading.