I LOVE YOU BUT…GETTING FRIEND ZONED IN YOUR MARRIAGE
January 16, 2014
I love you but I’m not IN love with you.
I doubt there is a marriage counselor anywhere who hasn’t heard the “I love you but…” statement more times than they could count. Some days I think it is epidemic.
In my practice, I find more women come in with this complaint than men, but there have been several men as well. It saddens me because I can tell from their body language they care for each other. They are sitting close or facing each other. The one who says it doesn’t want to hurt their spouse, so this person is reluctant to explain why.
The spouse is often devastated and can’t seem to get any answers to the questions of why or how or when. It is really important to see each spouse alone so I can actually find out what is going on. The “I love you but…” spouse usually isn’t going to be openly honest until I do.
It all boils down to this one thing
I’d like to tell you there is a quick and easy fix for this situation but it is a tough one to deal with–for both partners and often for the counselor as well. I will tell you that I have found in my experience it usually boils down to one thing: passion.
Now that sounds simple enough. But there are many factors that influence desire and most people aren’t aware of them. Some of you are very practical in your approach to love and marriage.
You made a commitment and as long as there isn’t a lot of pain or abuse, you will see that commitment to the end. You may not have even considered asking yourself whether you are happy or fulfilled. But some of you are deep feelers.
You need to feel emotionally connected in a very intimate way and when that is lacking, you question whether or not the marriage is working. Practical people often find themselves linked with feelers and that is the perfect mix for trouble in the bedroom.
Common roots of the “I Love You But…” Issues
If you or your spouse is feeling the “I love you but…” phenomenon, you need to figure out the root of the problem. Here are just a few possible scenarios for you to consider as a place to start.
1. The most common reason I’ve found for this situation is lack of emotional intimacy.
That is why we preach so heavily at The Marriage Place for couples to get in the habit of spending time together talking and connecting. I simply cannot emphasize the importance enough.
The problem with this one is that the partner who is inattentive, unobservant or unavailable is usually not aware they are leaving their spouse feeling rejected and alone.
It’s hard to explain to your spouse when you feel you are a low priority.
You may say you feel lonely or unappreciated.
You may express your feelings as complaints for more quality time.
This may change your spouse’s behavior for a short period of time, but it likely won’t bring about permanent results. This can leave you feeling hopeless. The friendship dies.
Eventually, you will stop having romantic feelings for your spouse. Too much of this and desire for your mate will be gone completely. By the time some of these couples come to counseling, passion has been missing for so long they are convinced they will never be able to find that desire again or they aren’t sure they want to try.
2. One spouse is not a good lover.
This reason for lack of passion is a simple fix, but no one wants to talk about. I love working with these couples because it is usually a fairly easy fix, all things considered.
There are some wonderful books and resources available to help you become an expert in the art of lovemaking. Too many people remain silent because they are embarrassed or afraid to hurt their partner’s ego.
Face it! Most of us aren’t taught how to be good lovers. But trust me, it is worth the effort to learn! A few sessions with the right therapist can completely rock your world in this regard.
3. Pornography is another romance killer.
Viewing porn is not harmless and it is never healthy. Some couples have been encouraged to view porn together to spice things up.
It may give the desired results for a brief period of time, but I’ve never seen it be a healthy activity for any marriage. I’ve only seen it damage relationships.
Porn can kill a man’s desire for his wife. Some women are so devastated when they find their husbands have viewed porn, they actually consider divorce.
It is addictive and like any addiction, it will require more exposure to more graphic images to get the desired results. This isn’t only a warning for men. Women view porn as well. Romance novels (what I call female porn) can create a delusional desire for something that cannot exist in the real world. My advice…stay away from either one.
4. Losing respect for your spouse can kill your sex drive quite efficiently.
Women lose respect for men who are conflict-avoidant.
Some men are not cut out for confrontation. They would rather remain silent than cause a problem.
But if these men are married to strong, independent women, it can be a problem that affects bedroom activity. A woman may view a conflict-avoidant husband as weak and this is so “not sexy”.
If this your situation, don’t feel hopeless! There are many ways to change this dynamic.
5. Confusing limerence with lasting love.
Limerence is the thrill of a new relationship. Passion peaks to an all time high. You are obsessed with spending time together and you daydream or fantasize when you are apart.
Limerence is better than any drug and it feels really good. But when it is confused with love, look out.
You cannot sustain limerence with anyone. The expiration date on those intense passions is anywhere from 6 months to 3 years with the average being 18 months. It is Fool’s Gold.
The Troublesome Part about “I love you, but…”
The troublesome thing about this statement is that passion isn’t sustainable without ceasing in any relationship. Over time, we all go through peaks and valleys with respect to our desire. A marriage consists of “I love you” and “I’m in love with you,” but often not together.
Honestly, if I had to choose between a passionate relationship and living with my best friend, I’d choose my best friend every time. After being married almost 25 years, I can tell I have weathered many threats to passion in my own marriage. The key to surviving is staying put, evaluating the threat and working to remove it. Over and over again.
We are Pro-Marriage!
At The Marriage Place, we believe marriage is a sacred covenant. We are saving marriages! If you feel your marriage could use a new perspective, call us. We would love to work with you.
You may also like:
Did I Marry The Wrong Person?
You met someone. It feels like the stars aligned and you are convinced you’ve met your perfect match. You get married.
But after a while, the new wears off. The feelings start to fade. You begin to notice just how imperfect your spouse really is and you wonder, what have I done? Did I marry the wrong person?
Is your “Team” ready for the Super Bowl? 8 Ways Marriage is like Football
Your wedding day is not the championship. It’s not a win to make it down the aisle and say “I Do.” Your “Super Bowl” is defeating your biggest opponent yet – DIVORCE. Here are some things your “Team” aka you and your spouse will need:
5 New Year’s Resolutions For Your Marriage
The start of the new year usually signifies new beginnings. For most, this may normally be for personal resolutions like losing weight, reading more, or saving money. However, don’t forget about your marriage!
What is the cost per session? We need help.
Is there help for a couple when the wife has a normal sex drive but the husband is asexual, but didn’t realize it until way into the marriage? Infrequent sex for years, with the husband finally admitting he had no sex drive whatsoever. No erection problems, no “low T”, not gay, just doesn’t want to have sex, ever. Went from sex once a year from about 2007, to nothing since Jan of 2010. We have been married 39 years, get along fine otherwise, but sleep in separate bedrooms and have no physical contact whatsoever. We talk, laugh, enjoy things together, but as friends, not as lovers. I still have a libido, and I’m depressed and heartbroken that I will never have sex again before I die. And when he did have sex with me, he was pretty good at it. And I don’t want anyone else. I would give anything to be able to have a sexual relationship with my husband.. .and he’s bald and 60 pounds overweight!
I’m scenario #4. I feel hopeless. You say there are “many ways to change this dynamic”. please tell me how!
My marriage is in need of a miracle. For all practical matters, we love our together and don’t want to split homes for the kids’ sake. But we have zero physical or emotional intimacy. I blame it on never really feeling the limerance you speak of, even in the beginning. We were just happy to have someone with a shared lifestyle and goals to start a family with. The decision to marry was a huge struggle and a decision of mind over heart. 8 years and 2 kids in, im still struggling and terrified of never feeling passion again in the next 40 years of our lives together. Items 1, 2, and 4 are all serious problems for us, along with the everyday annoyances and fights of any other couple. I have read countless articles, but none get any deeper on these subjects and most talk about “rekindling” love that I never felt in the first place. Counsellors we’ve seen have been of no help either. Please help if you can, or please give me permission to stop feeling so guilty about wanting to move on.
Bethany,
I’m so glad you came forward with your feelings. I would love to work with you on these feelings. If you are local to the Dallas area I hope you will come in for an appointment. If you are outside of the area, we can still work together. Just call the office line. There is so much to consider here that replying in a post is not going to be sufficient. But you have a lot on the line here. Two kids are involved versus a lifetime without love or intimacy. But I need more information to understand how to help you. There may be a 3rd option. Just because you haven’t seen a counselor who could help doesn’t mean you stop trying to get help. I hope we can connect soon.
Kim
We have been together 7yrs married for four. I don’t know what to do. Two years into our relationship my husband was in a horrible car accident with our daughter. Our daughter was OK but my husband suffered a TBI. He also hurt his neck, back, and knees. It has been five years since the accident. He’s had two suicide attempts and countless threats to kill himself if I leave. We have a volatile coupling at best. Now we have four children, have moved to another state and are having severe money issues. I left everyone I knew and now the only person I have is the person I don’t feel close to at all. Its been three years since the move and I’ve made no friends. My job didn’t permit me to meet new people as I work alone on a third shift. He is collecting SSSI but it is very little as he did not keep steady employment while single. He has not worked since the accident nor will he ever. He is capable of doing things he just chooses not to. He claims he can’t focus on anything and has a hard time remembering but plays poker on the computrer all day and bvelongs to two pool teams. I feel taken advantage of. We have sex but I fake every orgasm. I don’t know if I can have one with him anymore it’s been so long. He has no idea about that. I just can’t go through the motions. From the outside we look OK. The kids are behaved, social, and doing well in school. I try so hard to maintain the home and make sure the kids are happy. But I know they see what’s happening. I’ve tried to leave many times and my kids don’t want us to separate. I filed for divorce. It’s final in Aug. I haven’t tried to stop it. He doesn’t know that it’s still pending. I don’t want to do this to our kids but I don’t know how to cope with him. My view of him is less than pleasant. I don’t live anywhere near you so I’m not sure how you can help but if you can, the month countdown is ticking.
I have been married for 6 years now. This is my first marriage and I have one child with him. During the marriage he has cheated so many times with prostitutes and exes that he has hanging around. He betrayed my trust over and over and at this point I can not forgive him. I gave him chance after chance and he never truly stopped and showed no remorse. He struggles with alcohol and drug addictions. Along with the cheating and porn. I am now separated because I can’t have him and his abrasive behavior around my 5 year old son. Everywhere he goes he is a drama magnet and always starting fights due to his drinking. I am at the point where I can’t take it anymore. It’s over and OVER. His behavior is disrespectful and he also is a narcissist. Everything is always about him! What advice do you have for me in this situation? I am all cried out and can’t take it anymore.
Lorrie, I am sorry you are dealing with all of this. Let me be clear, this is abuse and you deserve more! Until you set boundaries though – boundaries with consequences you are willing to enforce if he breaks them – I’m sorry to say NOTHING is going to change. If you haven’t done so already, please read my blog post on Ultimatums and if you would like to partner with someone who can walk this with you, give you advice and courage, please consider calling my office and arranging a free consultation with one of my coaches. They can help you develop a plan of action. Kim
My wife and I get along fine. We have little arguments same as everyone but nothing negative. We are a great team. From the outside we have people tell us we are a roll model for them on how to have a great marriage. For 16 year’s we have never been unfaithful to each other. I have never strayed. Always supported her. Always been there for her. She the same for me. Our daughter age 7 has two very devoted and loving parents. We are doing a good job there as well.
But we are not without problems. She was in some very abusive relationships before me and has always struggled with some physiological issues. Without going all threw the past let get to what’s going on now.
I got an illness. I was on a lot of pain meds. I never miss treated her but I was a zombie. Just kind of there. I didn’t do much. Let the yard work go. Gained some weight. I didn’t talk much. I didn’t really feel anything. I couldn’t see it. When I did I weaned myself off all the meds. I’m back to being me again. Stsrted losing the weight. But it might be to late.
It had to be hard on her. She lost her passion for me. She was in distress. When she is in distress she displays I don’t know what to call it. Obsessive behavior I guess. Odd attachments to people. They tend to last 6 months or so. She will start to act like them. Dress like them. They are always people with a laundry list of problems. It’s a really intense thing for about 6 months. Then she will pull away from them completely. This time it started with a cell phone game. Every waking moment she is playing a game. I try to get her off it but have to be gentle. Or she gets defensive and things get worse. Then she met a guy playing this game. A young Marine with a laundry list of problems. She formed a bond with him and in under a month fell in love and was going to leave me for him. All over the phone. She has never met this young man. I say young man because he was 11 when we got married 16 years ago. This all hurt me deeply. I try to be understanding. I’m still trying to be supportive. But she was living in a fantasy. She thought she could leave and take my daughter from me to be with another man and that we would still be best of friends. She thought I would still be there for her %100. She thought I would willingly become the weekend dad. She thought our daughter would be just fine and wouldn’t get hurt. She thought everyone would live happily ever after.
I told her I didn’t want a divorce. I pointed out all the good things we have and have done. I told her I thought our problems can be worked out. That nothing was so wrong that we should break our family. I told her very gently that things would not work out the way she see them.
One day she tells me she wants to work things out. The next day she tells me she needs a little time to make a choice. Then she tells me if not for him she would never dream of leaving but she loves him.
I told her I want her to be happy and I’ll do anything for her. If leaving me will bring you happiness that’s what she should do. But I also told her to gear up for a fight. If she leaves my main priority in life is my daughter. I told her I was going to fight for custody. I’m not ok with being the weekend dad. Not even a little bit. I told her I would be bitter if she tried to take my kid from me.
She got angry. She says she knows this mess is her fault (it’s not her fault. I was a zombie. I can see how this happened.) And she can see me wanting to fight for my kid is the same thing she would do if rolls were reversed. But she feels I took her choice away from her. She is staying for our daughter. She says she sees the best thing for our kid is for our family to stay together. She says she is going to tell the other man she can never talk to him again.
But she told me she loves me but is not in love with me. She says she will try to make things work. But things are pretty much ice between us. I keep working to show her my love and support. I keep trying to be close but yet give her some space to heal. She feels heart broken of this other guy.
What’s a guy to do? I love her. I want to make it work. I’m fine with being to only one willing to work on it. But can things be saved by just me? She tells me it would be great if we could find love again but she is very unsure she will be able to. We made an agreement to stay for the kid. We still get along. We are still a good team. So sticking it out for the kid really won’t be hard or bad. But I don’t want that I want my wife back! What’s a guy to do?
Dustin, I’m terribly sorry you and your wife are going through this. You ask “what’s a guy to do?” There are steps you can take that can make a positive difference. Call our office and set up a consultation with one of our coaches. They can help you during this time by walking with you and offering professional guidance and support.
My wife and I have been married over 8 years and dated 3 years before that. We have 2 perfect kids and what I thought was a perfect life. We have been through a lot together including her open heart surgery. I struggled with porn at one point but was able to overcome it. For the last several years my wife will have times where I feel she is distant. We have talked about it and she has told me sometimes she feels like she is missing something in life. We have worked together and made some changes. But still at times she felt something missing. Most of the time everything was great. And sex was rarely an issue. Then several weeks ago she showed up at my work in tears to tell me she cheated on me. I was devastated. After a few days I knew I still loved her and wanted to work through our problems. Now everytime things start to go smoothly again we get in the smallest fight and she says she is done wants a divorce. The next day she isn’t sure what she wants and we get closer till things start to feel normal, then back through the cycle again. I love her. I want to be with her. But I feel my hands are tied. What do I do?
Hi, Brady, I am going to give your info to one of Marriage & Relationship Coaches. They will be contacting you to schedule a free 15-minute consultation. Our coaches are experts in helping people in the situation you find yourself in now and will be able to help you know how to handle things in a positive and healthy manner.
TL for Kim
My marriage is doomed. Physical, spiritually and financially. More like roommates just to survive. Need a miracle.
My husband gave me the I love you but not in love with you and his feeling are no longer there I want to work on thing I suggested talking to someone but he just says he’s done and don’t want to talk he works on the road so is never home. Help I want my marriage to last
Hi, Kristina, thank you for reaching out to us for help. We will be sending you an email. TL for Kim
My wife used the I love you but line. I took her for granted and did not have her at the top of my priorities for years. I was dealing with depression and stress issues from many factors at times, especially this past winter. We tried marriage counseling but she already had one foot out the door and during counseling always said she wasn’t sure about wanting to be together. We are currently separated shes living at her parents near by. We split time with our 3 year old which is really hard. I love her so much and regret deprioritizing her taking her for granted and being emotionally unavailable / unstable. A lot of regret on my end for not giving more to maintain the relstionship. Now recognizing what i had id give anything. We have the American dream from the outside looking in. I wish we had taken these steps years ago before her feelings changed. She says it’s admirable how hard in trying as I’m getting therapy, giving back in the community reading communication and intimacy books etc. I miss her as a partner so much and want the woman I love back. It feels hopeless like i cant win but i cant let her go snd give up. A week ago she said there was nothing I could say or do she wasnt coming back. She didn’t want to do anything together. Then the last couple days we have been spending time together we had a really good day together yesterday. She finally agreed to see a therapist and doctor as recommended by our marriage counselor months ago. I will do anything to make it work. Is there anything I can do to get my wifes attraction and the intimacy and trust back? We are both attractive fit people and I’m financially successful she stopped working a year ago to raise our daughter and we were fine on my income. She gets so stressed and mad when I try to talk about the relationship. Im trying to be patient but I know she still doesn’t want to work on being husband and wife. Help is so appreciated!
Dan, the pain you are feeling is coming through loud and clear in your message. I’m glad you’re working so hard to regain what has been lost. I have passed your information to one of our Marriage & Relationship Coaches and they will be contacting you soon. Wishing you the very best, TL for Kim
I’ve been married for 14 years and have 3 children. My wife began to become increasingly distant about a year and a half ago and it got worse when she rekindled a friendship with her best friend from her teen years. She started spending more and more time with her and I felt increasingly pushed out of the relationship. Our therapist said that she essentially was having a platonic emotional affair as my extremely conflict avoidant wife was confiding in her friend all of my faults and what she percieved I was doing wrong and I was none the wiser. She never mentioned to me what she was upset about. We have been working on our relationship for nearly a year and she says that she just cant make herself have feelings for me. She hates to discuss our relationship issues and withholds physical touch and emotional intimacy. She had a very unpleasant childhood with a neglectful and demanding mother, a father who died when she was 9 years of age, and sexual abuse by one of her mom’s boyfriends. I can certainly understand where this can play into our issues, but I simply don’t know how much Ionger I can tolerate being a roomate with occasional benefits. It’s taking a toll on my health and quality of life. I feel trapped because I don’t want to break up my family and I also have empathy for her emotional difficulties. However, it’s a terrible feeling to be married to someone who, for reasons they refuse to exlore, won’t allow herself to love me or express in few ways that I’m important to her. I’m at my wit’s end.
Gary, Thank you for sharing your story. Wanting more from a relationship and not getting it or knowing how to it, does put one at wit’s end. You’ve actually touched on something here that I see in my practice daily. We are each imprinted with how we love based on our experiences in our early years within our family of origin. Those imprints or love styles in turn impact how we show up in our relationships as adults. It becomes like a dance with each partner moving to their own sheet music and not at all in synch with each other. Becoming aware of your own love style and that of your spouse, and then understanding the common patterns between the two, can be a game changer for a couple struggling to connect. This is just a part of the work we do here. If you’d like to talk with a coach and learn more about how we can potentially help, I welcome you to call my office and we’ll get a free consultation set up for you. Wishing you the best, Kim
Im am having such a hard time right now, probably about 3 1/2 month ago my wife became somewhat disconnected prior to that we’ve always had a very good relationship. Talked all the time and spent a lot of time together, more with the kids but thats because of our schedules and the fact that we didn’t have steady childcare. Sex has always been great, but not very consistent due to fatigue and stress on my part. 5 years ago we had 26 weeker twins which included all types of operations and financial and emotional things that I had to deal with. So in the beginning she stated that she feels that we need to separate and that the way that I have been throughout the duration of our relationship has caused her to change and look at me different. That first episode lasted about 2 weeks then we talked and we had a new spark in romance lots of sex, holding hands, and eye gazing. That lasted about 2 weeks then we were off again, then we had a month of like straight dating and daily sex (amazing moments) Then one morning she woke up with a very flat affect, and that was it. She is distancing herself from me (her friend and husband of 7 1/2 years), and she said today we were just friends we can continue to live in the house for the sake of the kids. And she said that we were just friends…….We never had violence, cheating, or many arguments in our relationship at all. This is actually the first major incident since we have been married and in her mind its going to divorce. Oh yeah she doesn’t want to try marriage counseling, and feels like her heart is gone and it can never come back. The worst part is that we had such a tight nit family that has been pretty separate over the last 3 months minus the 5 weeks of good time we had when we reconnected she was like normal and we bonded and did everything like normal as a family ( fun love and laughter ). But now we are on separate levels of the house most of the time
Hi, Elijah, thank you for sharing your trying experience with me. I’m going to send you an email with some information, so please look for it.
Kim
Hi our marriage was going great. Until my wife got this job where she met this male co worker. Then they grew closer and got feelings for one another. They started texting each other now my wife spends the weekends with him and sees him off and on. She cheats on me. I tried to work it out with her and forgave her twice but when she agrees to work things out she lies and goes back seeing him same day all over again. Shes always mad at me. Says shes done and just wants to bew friends. Im still living in the house with her and our son for now. As long as i pay the bills. She says she feels bad about what shes doing and knows its wrong. She had told me he shows her respect he is good to her and that i need to be a man also shes blaming me saying i said hurtful things to her in the past but i had already told her sorry. I have poured my heart out to her tried improving myself and nothing works. She sees me trying she says and she dont want to hurt me anymore. Is there any way to save my marriage im not sure and theres not much time left. We also are or were buying a house together but have financial problems. She got a new job i still have mine but she has her mind made up about things. Anything i could do to bring back my marriage?
Wayne, Thank you for taking the time to share your story. You are in a very tough spot and my heart breaks for you. I can’t tell you whether your marriage can or can’t be saved. What I CAN tell you however, is that you need to set some healthy boundaries now! These boundaries are not to block her, but to protect you. I have a boundaries blog post that I encourage you to read. I also encourage you to reach out and schedule a consultation with one of my coaches who can work with you not only on setting healthy boundaries but also doing everything else in your power to give your marriage the best chance of rescue. Sending you warm wishes, Kim
My situation is different. We met 2 years ago online and began dating. Within the 1st month of dating I was pregnant. Everything was good, I had my depressed moments but we worked through it. Fast forward our son is now 1yrs old. We never have anyone to watch him so we can have time to ourselves. Also we never really got to quiet know each other. I never look at his phone but did 2 days ago and saw txt. He has been talking to someone for months now and he took her to the shooting range. He has asked me to go sometime too but we never can.
He works at nights and I work days so we see each other for 2 to 3hrs setting up dinner taking care of baby etc. He told me yesterday he loves me but is not in love with me and that he isn’t happy and the day before said he wanted to be happy with me. Idk what to do i love him and our little family. Is it time for me to move on and move out ?
Krystal, I’m so sorry you are going through this. We can offer you support and guidance on your situation. I’m going to send you an email with next steps.
Warmly, Kim.
I recently heard the “I love you but” from my husband and we are now living apart. We are both stubburn people and in my heart… i do not believe we have done all possible to try to get that passion back but my husband believes he has. This article hit home because it is exactly us. He loves me as a best friend.. but not in love with me? I dont kniw hiw to proceed.
Hi, Keri, I’m so sorry you are going through this. There is help we can offer, but rather than replying here, I’m going to send you an email with next steps.
Warmly, Kim.
My wife and i have been married 15 years and together 17. we have 3 beautiful kids. Communication has always been an issue with us. she has had some traumatic things happen to her as a kid and she doesn’t like to talk about things. we both work and raise the kids and have left little time to ourselves. Things are ok but again we never talk about much, sex life ok, not spectacular, but this past few weeks i could tell something was off and going on. she had a reunion coming up and was very excited. she did the whole lock on the phone for kids sake and always leaving early to go to bed. the night before the party we had sex and i finally got the courage up to ask her if everything was ok and that i noticed she had been distant. nope everything is ok and hadnt realized she was being so quiet. well after the party the next morning i knew in my soul something happen, she for the first time in weeks had the phone unlocked on the counter, i hated to but i grabbed it and saw 2 texts and i was devastated. i couldn’t read anymore, i didnt want to see the name or anything. i ran upstairs to confront her and she was mad i had her phone then confessed. said it was someone in school past that the never had time to develop a relationship and thought the would be good for each other. she was going out that after noon to drop my daughters off at a party, then planned to say good bye to him, i begged her not to, she did anyway. we talked when she got home and said she just realized how unhappy she has been and that loves me but not in love with me anymore. fucking news to me! this woman has been my whole world. ask anyone all i do is praise her. she said she felt i was checked out and depressed. and yes i have been distant, money issues, but nothing that warrants her actions. i am now in the basement living at night so the kids dont find out. i gave her the bed, she has everything and she wont look at me , wont talk to me, seems so angry at me. i see her and i dont recognize her. its like someone i never met. i rushed to get us into therapy and we had one session, she said some very hurtful things, like she never had a passion or want for me. and is not sure how to develop that to stay in the marriage. she got a new phone cause i made a mistake of pinging her phone for location but i am paranoid. she said she understood but she wasn’t a dog and that wasn’t a good thing to do. trying to get another therapy appointment that we agree on is near impossible cause she doenst want to keep making excuses for work and why does she alwasy have to have work suffer. i have a solo one planned and hoping she has a solo one this week as well. she said she is numb and cant think straight. i think unfortunately she is buying time for the holidays to end to end things with me. i did beg her and tell her its not real and a fantasy that i have not been attentive to and i promise not to make that mistake, she says to stop being so in her face and repeating the same things cause it isnt helping. leave her be to think, but i am pretty sure they are still in contact. i said if we are to move forward she must stop communicating with him, so did the therapist before we walked out. i get nothing. i feel like a stranger in my home, we cant afford a divorce, we have brand new house and a 2 year old in daycare. my life is forever changed and being decided for me. i came from a divorced family and never wanted that for my kids. i am an emotional wreck and i have no answers or whats next to come. it has been a week since i found out and i am dieing here. i need answers, everyone says give her time, but i think is that the time i give she is just posturing herself for the future. how can she be mad at me. i think since i caught her she has to deal with these emotions and make decision she didn’t think she have to make for awhile. sad but today i actually wished i never found out so i didn’t have this pain. i need help and direction to save my marriage and my self worth.
Blake, my apologies for my delay in responding to this. You are in a very tough situation and the holidays make it even more emotionally draining. Unfortunately, you can’t make your wife do anything she’s not willing to do and begging and pleading typically only results in driving a deeper wedge between the two of you. I encourage you to stay focused on you and your side of the relationship. Think of it like a street. You each have a side and you can only be responsible for taking care of your own. I would recommend you consider working with one of my coaches while you are going through this. They specialize in situations like this. I think Sara Snyder would be a particularly good fit for you. If you are interested, please call my office 972-441-4432 and my admin can help you get scheduled for a free consult with Sara. Wishing you the better days ahead, Kim