When Your Spouse Wants A Divorce And You Don’t! Part 2 [An Interview]

SpouseWantsDivorceInterview TMP

*****There has been such a tremendous response to my original post, “Your Spouse Wants a Divorce. You Want to Stay Married. Now What?” that I decided to do a follow up.

Someone asks me every day if I think there is hope for them and their marriage.  Most of the time, I try to reassure them there IS hope, but I can tell they are skeptical.

So I interviewed two clients I just finished working with who agreed to let me publish their story.  John came to my office alone 5 months ago.  Marcy joined him about 8 weeks later.  This is their story.

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Kim: “Hey Guys!  Thanks for letting me share your experience.”

Marcy:  “Thank you for giving us the chance to share it.  I hope someone else gets encouragement from it.”

Kim:  “Marcy, remember when you sat in my office and told me marriage counseling would be a waste of time?  You made it very clear you didn’t want to be here.”

Marcy:  “I do remember.  If you told me 5 months ago that I would be here today giving this interview I would have thought you were crazy.  But here I am!”

Kim: “Okay, don’t let me jump ahead of myself!  John, can you tell everyone why you came to The Marriage Place?”

John: “Absolutely.  I read your blog post When Your Spouse Wants a Divorce And You Don’t.  That was my situation exactly. Marcy was getting ready to move out, and I was feeling desperate.  You told me to breathe and stay calm.  I remember you got us in quickly because I was so upset.”

Kim:  “I remember.”

Marcy: “I did NOT want to be here.  I came because I wanted you to help us get through a divorce and still parent our kids and at least not hate each other.”

Kim:  “Yeah…didn’t work out that way though, did it?”

Marcy:  “No!  You said you would be the last person in the room still fighting for the marriage as long as one of us wanted to save it.

I was so angry with you then.

I was afraid you were giving John false hope.  I told John later that you just wanted to take his money!”

Kim:  “Oh!  Wow!”

Marcy:  “Yeah…sorry about that.”

Kim:  “No worries. Can you explain to everyone why you were so convinced counseling wouldn’t work?”

Marcy:  “John and I had been having problems for two to three years.  I tried many times to tell him I didn’t think things were going well for us but he didn’t seem to pay attention.  He would try to do some things differently for a while, but it wouldn’t be long before things were right back where they started.

I got tired of complaining and feeling like nothing was ever going to change.  I threatened to leave him about a year ago and that got his attention.

We tried counseling but it didn’t work.  The counselor was ok, but it felt like all we did was talk about all the problems.

We left most sessions feeling worse than when we went in.  We did that for about three months before we quit.  It just felt like a waste of time.  Once we stopped, everything just went downhill.  I told him I was moving out this last time, and he must have gotten online, because he read your blog and then asked me to come with him.

I agreed, but I didn’t want counseling.  I truly believed it was hopeless and a complete waste of time.  I felt no romantic feelings for John at all.  I felt he was smothering me and I only wanted to get away from him.

So I told him I wasn’t coming back, and the next thing I know, he is coming by himself.  I remember being irritated because I thought he was wasting time and money and I didn’t want to drag this out any longer.”

John:  “Ouch!  I don’t like hearing that but I know it’s true.  I did all the exact wrong things before I read your blog.”

Kim:  “I know but thankfully, you were a quick learner!”

John:  “You told me to stop chasing Marcy–it was desperate and not very attractive.  When you told me to stop telling her I loved her, I started wondering if you knew what you were talking about!”

Kim:  “But you followed the plan”.

John:  “I didn’t have a choice.  I was about to lose the person I loved the most.”

Kim:  “When did you start to notice that things were working?”

John:  “Well…it was really small things at first.  You told me to journal the experiments and keep track of all the results.

I did that.  Some days were better than others.

But I kept coming here and kept working at it.  You asked me to write down the first sign that I would see from Marcy that would tell me things were improving, and I wrote “She will sit in the same room with me for longer than 5 minutes.”

That sounds pathetic to me now, but things were so bad she left the room every time I entered it.  When that first sign happened, you asked me for the next sign.  Things just kept improving slowly a little at a time.”

Kim:  “John, it may have felt like it was going slowly, but 8 weeks is pretty quick.  Some people work that plan for months. Marcy, what did you experience when John started changing his behavior?”

Marcy:  “It was weird.  At first I wondered what he was up to.  I knew he was coming here, but all he would say was that he was working on improving himself.

The first thing I remember noticing was that we weren’t fighting all the time.  I remember one day I realized you (John) were about to come home from work, and for the first time in a long time…I wasn’t dreading it.

Then later, I realized I was actually looking forward to seeing you.  I knew then that something drastic was happening but I didn’t understand it.  I just stopped being in a hurry to leave.”

Kim:  “Marcy, do you remember when you wanted to come to counseling?”

John:  “I remember it!  She asked me to have dinner with her, and I told her I had plans with some guys from work.  I could tell it bothered her.  The next day she asked to come with me to see you!”

Marcy:  “He’s right.  I wanted to see if we could enjoy a dinner out and it feel like old times.  I remember thinking I had just a glimmer of hope that things could really get better.  He hadn’t been home all that much and I actually was beginning to miss him!”

John:  “It’s her (Kim’s) fault I wasn’t home much.  She told me to get a life!”

Kim:  “That’s right!  I did!”

Marcy:  “Well, it must have worked!  We started coming together and things started moving quickly in the right direction.”

Kim:  “Why do you think they moved quickly?”

Marcy:  “I think there were several reasons.  To begin with, you helped me see that I hadn’t fallen out of love with John–I was just focused on all the negative things about him I didn’t like.

I couldn’t see any hope because I couldn’t see past all the resentment and anger.  We had been coming here a while before we even began to address any real problems.  But that was ok because we had tried the other way before and that didn’t work.”

Kim:  “You guys weren’t in a place to handle any more negative energy.  It’s like a trauma patient coming into the ER who needs surgery but isn’t stable enough to survive the operation.  You have to get the patient stabilized before you do surgery.”

John: “I know when we started counseling we had a long list of problems that we thought we needed help with.  Once we got to that part of the counseling process, most of those problems weren’t an issue any longer.”

Kim:  “I love it when that happens!  I see it all the time!  Getting couples reconnected emotionally is oftentimes enough to get things back on track.”

Marcy:  “Seriously!  Some days it seems surreal that we are where we are now.  We can’t possibly express just how grateful we are that God brought you in our lives.  I think PO2 is a special place.”

Kim:  “Thanks Marcy.  I really appreciate your kind words.  But you guys did all the work.  Just remember what you learned is not a once and done thing.  You now have healthy habits in place that will keep you guys connected for as long as you do them.  So DON’T STOP DOING THEM!”

John:  “We won’t.  I was a little hard-headed in the beginning about some of those exercises, but I’m a believer now.”

Kim:  “You also know to come back every three months for this next year to avoid relapsing into old behaviors.  You guys are awesome!  Thanks for letting me work with you.”

For more free resources and information on how to get help if you are in this situation, you can download the free ebook that goes into much more detail or buy the $27.95 program that will teach you exactly how to save your marriage!

Call us or schedule an appointment

(972) 441-4432 or Send us a text at (214) 431-5764

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133 thoughts on “When Your Spouse Wants A Divorce And You Don’t! Part 2 [An Interview]

  1. Me and my husband has been together for 6 years married for 2 almost 3. We have 2 kids together 3 and 1. And he’s saying he wants a divorce. His excuse is I don’t clean enough and I have t found a good job yet I’ve been a stay at home mom ever since our son was born and I’ve never really worked so don’t have much experience to get a good job. He says he’s just tired of everything and it’s been piling up over the years. I don’t know how to fix us or stop the divorce is there any hope for us? He says even if we work out he wants a divorce so he won’t have to get one later if things get this bad again. I just don’t understand. And I’m so desperate to save our marriage.

  2. I have lived with my wife for almost 10 years and we have been married 7. She is leaving me because I started to physically not be attentive for almost 2 1/2 years. We actually started a great relationship but my post military mind strayed away. Recently, in a hefty motorcycle wreck, I was given a new thought process. The military is gone. I still remember all of it but, it no longer haunts me. I love this woman and I have to try and fix this. I live in Chattanooga TN, and need some hope. How? Where could I begin.

    1. Hi, Stephen, you can begin by contacting our office to set up a free 15-minute consultation with one of our Marriage & Relationship Coaches. They specialize in helping couples where one spouse ones out and the other wants to save the relationship. Since their sessions are by phone or some sort of video chat, they have clients all over the world. Wishing you the best, TL.

  3. My husband and I have been married for almost 2yrs. He found a pic of an old boyfriend and learned about a few ppl I had slept with in the past and now he sees me differently than before and wants a divorce. Is there anyway to save our marriage?

  4. My husband just told me That he loves me but no longer whant to be married. He still wants to live together with me and our son but he has been seeing someone else for 4 months and says he had wanted out of the marriage for several years now. We are affectionate and do a lot together in terms of family outings and one on one time. How do I fix this? We’ve been married 10 years and my heart is crushed.

  5. My wife and I have been married for 3 years and together for two. She has two older daughters from a previous marriage and we have a 2 year old son together. For the last few years I’ve let my anger outbursts get the best of me and in turn causes me to say things unfiltered. We had a big blow up on Saturday. Sunday she told me that we needed to think about how to coexist and be better parents for our son. Then yesterday, Wednesday evening, she expressed the desire to no longer stay married. We tried a local marriage counselor that friends of ours used but it hasn’t seemed to work. We’ve gone together and separate on multiple occasions for the last 3-4 months and it feels like no progress had been made. I love my wife and recognize my flaws and how they contributed to us being in this predicament but I’m not sure what to do. I don’t want to push hard and fight to get her back but I don’t want it to cause her to be done with me entirely. What should I do now???

    1. Shawn, you should be seeing some progress at this point. Kim does one and two day intensives with couples. See if that will work for you! 972-441-4432

  6. I’ve been married for 9 years and my wife now wants a divorce. She says I haven’t been as ambitious as she thought I would be, that I’ve criticized her too much, that I’ve neglected her needs sexually and emotionally. I got us into a little debt issue when we first got married but she can’t let go if that amongst many other things. We have a 7 yr old girl. I want to do better, I want to be better. Can you help me save my marriage?

    1. Doug, unfortunately no one can truly promise you they can save your marriage. But what I CAN promise is that we can walk through this with you and help you ensure you are doing everything in your power to give your marriage the best possible chance. This kind of situation is one my coaches work with every single day. If you see potential benefit in partnering with a coach, I hope you’ll give us a call.

  7. my problem is that my wife got 3rd party twice and right now she wants me to move out for her to fix herself as she said. she also mentioned that she regret about our marriage, she don’t love me anymore and she doesn’t want me anymore for she can stand on her own for she have a high paying work compared to mine. I’m trying so hard to fight for our marriage and for our family, I even ask help from my mother-in-law and brother-in-law but it was a negative outcome for she treated it as if I’m seeking for their sympathy and telling bad things about her but that never came into my mind, all I’m thinking is how to save our marriage. I love my wife and our 2 kids (5 yrs old girl and 2 yrs old boy). I don’t know what to do and she’s threatening me that if I don’t move out, she will be the one to move out or worst is she will seek legal actions just for her to get out of our marriage..

    1. Hi John, I am sorry you are hurting. I can tell you love your family and are looking for ways to keep it together. If that is the case, it’s important that you do things in a way that have the potential to draw your wife back to the relationship. You cannot control her but you can control your words and actions in a way that can in turn positively impact how she sees the relationship and you. This takes time and often guidance from someone who can help you see the role you play in this situation. If you’d like to talk to one of my coaches, please consider calling my office to arrange a free consultation.

  8. Hi,

    Me and my wife got married in early January 2016. We were doing so good at first but then on 3 different occasions I cheated on her and she kept forgiving me. We had a little boy in July of this year. Earlier this week I did it again for thr last time ever but she doesn’t believe me. She kicked me out the house and now it starting divorce papers. Now I promised that it was my last time and I want to save my marriage because I love het and don’t want to lose her. What do I do? I was gonna start marriage counseling and go by myself to show her I’m serious but after reading the interview I wonder what is the best route that I take to get my marriage back before the papers are finalized.

  9. Kim I was unfaithful with my husband I was honest and told him it was only one night. We have been together for 8 years only married 2. We still talk and communication is still open we have been separated for 8 months. We still have family time and have dinner together even sleeping over. I am confused bc I thought we were doing great and working to save our marriage. And he just tells me he wants a divorce without any warning.

    1. Hello Becca,
      I am a man that had your experience. All I can say is when a woman sleeps with another man and her man loves her, it crushes his soul. Trust will never be regained. Men look at the woman they love as their world. when a woman goes and cheats on him, he may take her back but he will always be haunted with the sexual thoughts of a man you allowed (not a trespasser) to enjoy something that’s his alone. A man in love doesn’t do sex the way everyone assumes! Just like a woman, he empties his soul everytime he enters her. From what I’ve experienced and seen, you guys will have to work very hard but it almost never is restored to the first time.

  10. My wife of 6 years shocked me a month ago telling me she hasn’t been happy for a couple years, doesn’t know how she feels about me anymore, and might want a divorce. She asked for space and I applied. Since then she’s been extremely distant and non responsive. She won’t text back about things unrelated to us, like bills or our home refinance. We are meeting this Sunday for the first time in a month. I’m not sure what she’s going to say but my gut tells me she’s done with our relationship. I’ve realizes that I put a lot of pressure on her and she must have dealt suffocated over the past couple years. My problem is how cold she’s become. My cousin passed away a couple weeks ago and she didn’t even call me. She just texted that she’s so sorry for my loss. I have no idea what to do during our conversation and if there’s a way to save our marriage

  11. My husband left the end of May and just told me this week he wants a divorce. I need help on how I can get him to give me another chance and not leave me. We have been together for 19 years and married almost 15. He is the love of my life and I don’t want to lose him. Any advice would be great.

  12. Kim…where do I start. My husband of 9yrs has moved out to his aunts for now and I’m afraid to lose him for good. We have two kids together a 9yr old and 18month old. He’s not really communicating his next step with me and recently found out he had an account with benaughty.com a sex dating website. I found this out because of charges being made to our account. I confronted him and he said he regretted it as soon as he did it but I don’t believe him. We have always argued our 9yrs of marriage and I understand that’s hard but I do want to change that but find it impossible with him not being here and me constantly asking him questions. Is my marriage savable and what are some steps for me to start with? We’ve both done so many disrespectful things to each other and family is now involved. Any suggestions?

  13. Kim;

    Hi, Just read your blog for help. there is alot of information there but i still feel a bit lost. My wife has asked for a divorce, but i was able to get her to go with a legal seperation so that we could try to work things out. I think that this so far is a positive step, but i’m not sure. it appears form my wife’s view that i have lied to her a few times over minor things, one is my son. but since she has had two other marriages that failed for lying and cheating husbands she just wants out and says that there is no way to fix it, because of her pain. I’m going to see her soon with the papers to sign and i was going to try and have a conversation with her about the things she has said went wrong. I know that i’m to blame. but the main thing is how do i fix things and save my marriage.

    Thanks
    Tim

  14. How do I stop a divorce or separation if he has already moved out and won’t speak to me? (Only 1-2 word replies to text)
    He has left before and come back. I don’t feel we both ever put 100% into fixing our marriage.
    This is the first time that he is actually having papers drawn up and talking about selling our house. What do I do!?? I don’t want this!!!

  15. I’m at my wits end (physically and emotionally drained). I’ve been married with my husband (he’s in the navy) 3 years next month. He’s been having an emotional affair with another woman the entire time. Every time I found them talking I’d ask him to stop and he would for a while, but then it would start up again. The last time this happened was a few weeks before his deployment. I confronted him about it, called him a liar, and he kicked me and my son out (I was pregnant with our second son). As soon as I started packing he broke down bawling and begged me to stay. He swore every which way he’d be better for me and our boys, so I stayed with the condition that he would seek help. Everything was great from then on. Throughout the deployment he was constantly messaging me and taking the time to video chat to see me and our sons. After the deployment he came to visit us for two weeks and after he got a place to live we moved in together again. A month after we had moved in he sent me and my boys away to my parents home. We were only suppose to be the for a month or two, but it turned into six. On Thanksgiving I found out he was still taking with the the same woman he had been having an emotional affair for years and turns out he never stopped talking to her. Things got really bad between us, but I started taking with a counselor and he did to and that started to make things better. We moved back in together, but two weeks after he had to go off on training I got a letter in the mail for the woman he’s been seeing. I obviously confronted him about it and he admitted that he sent us away so he could bring her up to live with him. Needless to say he also admit to having sex with her and so did she. It also turn out that he wasn’t actually getting consuming. I contacted his Chief about the fact they he didn’t send us enough money for food (I actually had to get a food and diaper donation from our church) and about the infidelity. The Chief he didn’t sound like he believed me about my husband cheating and brushed it off saying “it comes down to a he said, she said situation unless you have hardcore evidence.” My husband is a stand out guy at work and nobody thinks he could do any wrong, so this is obviously why he dismissed me. Now the Chief wants to meet with me because he wants proof of my husband’s indiscretion.
    I start up a separation agreement to eventually get divorced, without telling him. He says he wants to get divorced too, because he keeps hurting me. Im just so tired of doing trying to fix our marriage. I wasn’t going to tell him about me starting the divorce process, because I wanted to see if he would change. However, after hearing him say once again that he wants to get divorced, I agreed and finally told him I had gone to a lawyer. I’m conflicted. I know I want to get divorced because of his betrayal, but something in me still loves him and still wants to make it work. So I guess what I’m asking is if my marriage can still be saved?
    ~Kari

  16. My fiancé and I have been together for 5 years. During this time he has had a consistent issue with lying, typically about either porn or emotional online relationships with other women. He has never physically cheated on me.
    We have gone back and forth but he seems so wishy washy in his feelings for me. One day we are talking marriage, the next he is saying he doesn’t know what he wants. When I prod a little further on those days for a definite response he will say if I’m making him choose right now then he’d rather move out. But 5 minutes later he will say he will try to work it out. I am so confused. I’ll be honest crying and begging when he wants to leave has been my go to and it only works for a short time. If everything goes smoothly he is happy to stay again but if at anytime I ask him for romance or effort he clams up again and says he doesn’t know that he can be the man I need. I have hit a new low of pathetic. I have changed so much to make him happy that I don’t really know myself anymore. Yet I wait for his love and when he gives me even a droplet I get a renewed sense of hope that things will go back to normal. This week was a good week and then yesterday because he had not followed through with making our plans for the weekend (his choice for us to go out of town) and I asked him that he start making US a priority he stalled on me again. He says he doesn’t know what he wants. He says he doesn’t want to split or move out but he honestly doesn’t know what he wants or if it’s even me. I’m so confused. Yet last night we made love as if that never happened. I feel broken, lost and hopeless.

  17. My husband and I are separated. He says he hasn’t been happy for a while. A year ago I had surgery for ovarian cancer for the second time. I finished chemo in July. He said he’s tired of taking care of me, although I am healthy now and there’s nothing he needs to do for me. All he keeps saying he that he’s doing what he needs to do for himself in order to try and find happiness. It’s been about 6 weeks. He already wants a divorce. He’s absolutely positive that this is what he needs to do. He will not even consider marriage counseling. We went twice and that’s it. I’m fighting the divorce. I don’t want it. I want him to give it some time. I don’t know what the rush is. He’s not having an affair. There has been a lot of turmoil. He avoids me. Doesn’t communicate with me because he can’t stand to see me hurting. He can’t handle seeing me react to what he’s created. I see that I’ve been doing everything that you are saying not to do. I’m thinking of telling him that I won’t agree to divorce so quickly, but I will agree to a separation and in 6-9 months I will revisit divorce after he’s had time to settle down and I’ve had time to wrap my brain around it. Is this the right way to handle this? I just don’t want to rush into anything and I dont understand what his rush is. I’m devastated but no matter how much I tell him this it makes no difference. We’ve been married for 24 years and I just can’t believe that he’s willing to throw it all away. Help!!

  18. Thank you! We got in contact with one of your counselors, and we saved our relationship!

    But not only saved it, but taking it to higher levels than ever before and also improving and progressing as persons.

  19. I wrote a comment but don’t know if it posted so I’m writing again. My name is Alex I’m 25 in the navy and stationed in Hawaii. I’ve been with Ashley for about three years. We had our ups and downs and have worked through everything until now. I’m not the best husband in the world. I tend to go out with friends and make bad decision because of alcohol. I’ve promised to change for her many times but I always seem to go back to the old me. I never seemed professional advice or help or anything until now. Last night I went out with a friend I hadn’t seen in years. We went to eat and have a few beers but I got out of hand and drank way more then I should have. Ashley kept calling my friend because I was ignoring her. Finally I answered and I got upset because she was upset at me and in my drunken stupor I didn’t feel I did anything wrong even though I did. So I yelled over the phone which was the wrong move. I screwed up and now she wants a divorce and I don’t. She has agreed to giving me one month to show her I can change but I need help to create healthy habits in my life and marriage. I love her so much and I would do anything to keep her. Please if anyone has advice or anything please help I’m desperate.

  20. Please help!

    My name is Alex and my wife is Ashley. I am in the military and stationed in Hawaii. My wife wants a divorce but I don’t and I love her so much. I’m not the best husband. I tend to go out with friends and drink too much and argue with Ashley but I have never physically hurt her. I’ve promised to change and I do only for a little while then things go right back to where we started. I want nothing more than to fix my marriage but she doesn’t want to. She feels she has given me too many chances and I think I have run out. I have never had an affair and I have never once wanted to. Please if you have any advice I really would love to hear it. I’m desperate and I need some help please!

  21. My wife and I have been married for 13 years and together for 17 years. We had our daughter when my wife was 19 and I was 21, we made the decision for my wife to stay home and raise our children. Now our third child is in school full time. This past summer my wife came home for a out of town baseball tournament with our oldest son and said she needed space and was not feeling connected any longer. I did the reverse and smothered her for the first couple of months. Now she says she is 95% sure she wants a divorce and the only thing holding her back is she does not have the money to get her own place. She talks a lot about when she has her own place but on the flip side we get a long fine, go out to lunch together, go on dates (less in the past two months) communicate well other than our relationship. I have recently stopped fighting the divorce and come to realize if it happens there is nothing I can do to change her mind. From our conversations I feel she is feeling that she has not done anything with her life other than raise a family. It is really hard for me because I care about her and love her a lot and she tells me she still loves me but more like a friend than her husband. She feels once you no longer feel a connection that you can not feel connected again. I don’t want to sit back and do nothing but if I do it seems like whatever I do pushes her farther away. I feel as stuck as she does what should I do?

  22. My spouse met someone on the internet during a time we had difficulties and I felt pushed away and had problem coming back to her, but then I did, as I love her so much, we have been together for 12 years. They just met as friends and shared some common interest. That guy offered her a job to start an affiliation in our country, and she was going to visit him in his country. She does not like the job she has here). He was a bit concerned, knowing she was in a relationship already, and wanted to be friends with me on Facebook, but it never happened, I did not see any problems, I trusted them both. Then he invited the both of us but I could not go, but my spouse went over. She stayed with him at his Buddhist center, the meditated, took walks etc. Then she came home here to Sweden and dropped the bomb after a few days. They had fallen in love with him and she will move there in a month.

    Is there any hope? Our relationship has been ups and downs, but we always fixed it ourselves and always felt we had a very special relationships, but it seems she is looking for someone that can take care of her more than I can she says, and this guy she said took care of her a lot. She also complains I am too feminine at times, but at times also says she likes those qualities, which is confusing for me. And sometime she complains I can’t even fix the car … I am good with computers and artistic stuff, but not very handy.

    She is now posting on Facebook some article about daring to try play with new cards to reach higher levels in life. I understand what she is referring to …

    I asked for another chance, but I know that is not good to do now. So I am backing off and even though the anxiety is killing me I am staying calm and focused and being nice.

    She has broken up before but it only lasted a few days, but this time she seems very serious about it and is already getting ready to move out.

    This morning she thank you me for being so nice. I did not really do anything, I was just around the house a bit more the last days, instead of running out as I usually do when we are having problems and she does not wanna talk or hang out with me. (Inside I am however at times furiuos and hate this guy and hate the whole situation and I have tremendous anxiety).

    Is there any hope for her coming back to me? I really want to once for all work on our relationship and take it to new levels.

    If she move in with that guy, or move closer to him in England and have a relationship with him, any chance she can still come back to me? And if there is a chance, what would I have to do to make that happen? Do I need to become a car mechanics 🙂

  23. My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We have been struggling financially for the last two years and he has been unhappy. I thought he was going through depression and pushed him to see a therapist. He went five times and quit although his mood seemed to get better. Then he talked to me one day and told me he wants to move out, to just live alone and see what it’s like. He doesn’t want to worry about letting someone know where he is or when he will be home. He said he doesn’t love me anymore and maybe hasn’t for a while. He doesn’t want to work on the marriage because he feels like we are past that although until recently I didn’t realize things were that bad. He says he has no reason to fight to keep the marriage and him moving out to see what it’s like on his own is his way of compromising rather than just going straight to divorce. I still love him and don’t want to see this end but aside from letting him move out and pray that he will want to come back, is there anything I can do?

  24. What do I do if my husband wants a divorce because we can’t communicate? He says I always him jump to the defence and he wants me out Sunday we have 2 kids together been married for 6 years.. Please help

  25. I am 62 and my husband is 68. We have been together for 3 years and married for one. His 1st wife of 43 years died 3.5 years ago. He wants a divorce because 2 of his adult children do not care for me and he does not want the stress on their relationship. He says it’s not my fault and says I am the innocent party and says he loves me, but can’t ignore their relationship of 43,40 and 37 years. He will not talk, send emails or texts except if it is about the demise of our marriage. I have written a note to him every day, sent texts or emails on occasion. Had decided to do that for 40 days…then will stop. Our anniversary is Sunday. This is a mature Christian and this behavior is contrary to his character. He said he found a note that he wrote three yeas ago and he does not think he has been a good father or Grandfather for the past three years and wants to “make things better for the future” with the children/grandchildren and that cannot include me. Got suggestions?

  26. My wife is at the point of not even wanting to work on our marriage anymore. She wants to focus on herself, she doesn’t feel very much other than anger for me, and she’s already thrown me out. I can’t even go home now and have been living with my Aunt for a while now. The problem is that she’s not one to change her mind without a LOT of time to build it up. The other problem is that she generally doesn’t think like most women. That’s one reason I fell in love with her. She has this way of thinking the doesn’t fit into any stereotype. But now that way of thinking is pushing her farther away from us and I’m truly feeling like all hope is lost. She wants to divorce so quickly, and with me already out of the house and her not missing me at all (far from it actually, she enjoys the space and freedom), I fear that there isn’t enough time to fix this. That anything I do is only going to make it go faster. I can’t even show her how much better of a man I am now because she hasn’t seen me since I began to improve. I feel so lost, and alone.

  27. Kim,

    You can’t believe how much hope this article has given me! I can relate so much with John and Marcy. I’m already scheduled for next week with Paty and pray that my wife and I can have the same results (if not better!!) that they did.

    Thanks and God bless!!

  28. Hi Kim, My husband and I have been together 3 years , not married a year yet. We have gone through a lot of difficult things but have always decided it was more important to be together than give up on our relationship and love for each other. We got married this year and have had many hardships… accident, physical disability, financial strain now, losses of family members and it led to more ,constant fighting, hurt, anger, lack of communication, love and checking out of the relationship. He says things will never change….this has also caused strain on our families and our involvment with our inlaws. I believe we can work things out and be happpy together the way we intended to when we got married but my husband says he has given up. I recently found out he filled for divorce . we have not talked about this so i am continuing to try and improve myself and things i can do to impact our relationship in a positive way but am wondering how to deal with unsupportive family and friends, what to do if i am asked to move out ? i am devistated, do not want a divorce, how do i respect his decisions yet respect my own? I love my husband and do not want to give up. Is it possible to save a marriage after filling? Do you have any suggestions for changing current circumstances so we can save our marriage and create healthy habbits for the future.
    Thank You

  29. I had the emotional affair and I was caught by my wife in May of 2013. I allowed it to happen for the next 4 months and finally cut it off. I still lied about it to my wife for the next year and in October of 2014 I finally admitted everything because things were starting to get better and I needed to be honest with her about everything. Since last October she has asked for separation several times and I would no go along with it because I felt it would give her a false sense of happiness and associate it with being separated. In May of 2015 she left and had me tell the kids we were separating, so I did. I explained to them that I did something very wrong and it hurt mom very bad and she is struggling now and we are separating. The kids freaked out and called her and begged her to come home, which she did after a week, and then became very agitated with me because I couldn’t prevent myself from crying in front of our children.

    She kept telling me I was smothering her and slowly over the last 5 months I have given her the space she asked for. I don’t touch her, I don’t tell her I love her, I don’t write her letters anymore, I don’t buy her flowers, etc. etc. But she still will not talk with me or seek any kind of counseling. I have been attending marriage counseling for the last 10 months by myself and I have grown by leaps and bounds. One of the things I said to her when I got caught what that I was a master liar and could manipulate anyone into believing anything I wanted, which wasn’t the intention as it was followed with I always let her believe I want the same things she does because I wanted her happy. Well, she is holding on to that like nothing else and all I do when she tells me these things is I am sorry.

    What should my next steps be? Do I wait until she files for divorce?

  30. Hello Kim.
    My wife dropped the divorce bomb on me a few days ago and of course it was completely devastating. we have a daughter who will be 3 in February. She said she loves me but isn’t in love with me. She can’t seem to be around me longer than 1 minute. She said it isn’t me but it is her and she needs to find herself again. Of course being a guy I brought up couples counseling and she said she feels like she has tried everything. She might feel that way even though we haven’t tried anything as a team, and that is where I dropped the ball. A week before she mentioned divorce we were talking about trying to have more children, and she had mentioned to my parents that she was thinking about getting family pictures done. She has been helping her mother plan for her wedding, and we have been trying to fix our house up. She works during the day and I work part time weekends and nights. So we rarely see each other.
    It has only been 6 days since she has told me the news. I am currently giving her space. i’m staying at my parents and she is still at home. i still watch our daughter during the day but i am going to get a full time job. In the short time we have been apart I have been able to see where I missed “hearing” her before. I believe it is a number of contributing factors that drove her to think this is her only option. I never listened like she needed me to, we don’t have exclusive time for just the two of us; finances when talked about always escalated into an argument. Neither one of us are good about communication with the other person. I believe getting a full time job will help out financially and it will make it so we both are on the same schedule again which would provide time for us to interact more than we have been. My only worry here is that she won’t want to. From reading your articles I can see that I need to work on myself as much as she is telling me she needs to work on herself. I need to become a real listener, a provider, get out of complacency, be able to show her adventure like when we first got together. I used to be the shoulder for her to cry on and that is not the case any longer. I need to show her that I can be happy and not needy even though I miss her so so much. After all that, the one question I have is this; since we aren’t living in the same house what would be your advice on being able to show her that I am growing as a person and changing?
    Thank you for your reply in advance,
    -Terrified

  31. I have been married 2 years and together for 4 years. I brought into the marriage my 3 boys ages 19, 16 and 8. My 19 year old doesn’t live at home anymore..he is in college. My 3 boys’ dad died in 2008 from colon cancer. My 8 year old calls my husband now dad. He left me a few months after we got married and filed for divorce only to come back 5 days before it was final to work it out. I took him back and we moved on…or I did. I know how short life is and I don’t hold grudges. My husband has 2 boys ages 22 and 17 from his first marriage. They don’t want a relationship with their dad and he blames me for not “fixing” that. ..asking me when’s the last time you made dinner and invited them over? I sometimes think he married me only to get his boys to come live with us. He has begged and bribed his youngest and he refuses. We even bought a house together with a room for him over a year ago and he has maybe spent the night 3 times. About 5 weeks ago he got angry that I turned a lamp off in my son’s room and took the trash out instead of my 16 year old doing it. Over the day .. he got madder and madder, told me coming back to me was the worst mistake he had ever made and that he never should have married me. He tells me that I am a “poor excuse for a mother”. He gets so angry over little things … shoes not put up, a cup of milk that isn’t rinsed out in the dishwasher….. He has acknowledged in the past that he goes overboard … He wants everything PERFECT all the time. If they slip up and don’t do something he gets mad at them and takes it out on me and brings up EVERYTHING from the past that he finds fault with. Long story short -he walked out AGAIN..took his ring off 2 days after he walked out and filed for divorce. He refuses to talk to me and says I “ran him off”. I am crushed. I love him but I can’t beg him to love me back.

    1. Trisha, your husband sounds like an emotional and verbal abuser. Before you consider taking him back (if he changes his mind) I hope you learn how to set healthy limits to stop the abuse. As long as he can blame you for all the problems, he never has to look at his own behavior. Your boys deserve better than this. You deserve better than this. Take this time and learn how to deal with someone who uses anger to control. Hugs to you!!!

  32. Me and my wife have been married for 19 years and 17 years ago we lost a son to sids and we got discontent from each other she says she is not in love with me and a year ago she cheated on me she says if I help her out financially we can work it out so I help her and it is still the same she is allwase on her phone on Facebook and texting I don’t know who she talking to she goes to wyoming a lot I love her with all my hart and I don’t want a divorce but she does what can I do to prevent this eney help would be grate thanks Greg

    1. Greg,
      I’m so so sorry to hear about your situation. I personally cannot imagine losing a child. Many marriages fall apart when something that tragic happens. But your wife is trying to walk in two worlds right now…her marriage and the fantasy life she wants to have. It sounds as if it may be time to set some boundaries with your wife. Your best option right now is to work with a coach. Hiring a coach is helpful because he/she will really learn all about your situation and help you discern what is working and what isn’t. Something that can’t be done in a blog post. Best of luck to you Greg. Call us at 972-441-4432 if you want more information…or email us at support@themarriageplace.com

  33. Kim.
    My husband of 10+ years just told me he wants a divorce. I don’t. We have had a very rough few years, stresses of financial burdens, emotional infidelity, & 3 kids. He insists he has been trying to tell me its not working for the last two years, but I have not heard him, or seen the signs. I am not without blame. I am an axious person with some anger issues. I have blamed him and probably berated him for poor choices and financial mistakes.
    But I love him. I want us to get thru this together and have each other’s backs again. I want to grow old with him, so that we can retire together.
    I’m devastated. I just lost my best friend and I have no where else to turn.
    What do I do?

  34. Hi my name is Dina. I had an affair physical and one that to me meant nothing but the guy like to just talk dirty. My husband found out last year about the physical We fought a lot. I ended it physically but want to still talk. My husband was digging for things to yell at me for. Then the summer we went to counseling. I hated the lady cause she would be all for him and not for me. I was the bad guy. But when we left we talked and were better. The summer was great. But then he went through my things and found a box with the guys stuff in it. I truly forgot about it. He said he got rid of it and I thanked him. It began to affect me mentally that I didn’t know what I was going to get when he came home. I tried to kill myself two times in May and once after thanksgiving cause I sent the other guy a song lyric that he found in my email. I gave him access to everything. After I sent it I realized what I mistake I made and thought I deleted it. That one I ended up in the hospital for a week. He promised we would work on our marriage but he filed for a divorce. I think he has someone. He’s so mean to me. I sleep in the guest room. We don’t speak but have had sex 4 times and once we fooled around. He told me he loves me but won’t give me another chance. He wants me out of the house by the summer. I have backed away from him. He comes home I put myself in my room. Let him have time with our kids. He even bought a dog home which he knew I didn’t want but won’t leave it home so the kids never see it. He’s very spiteful. He buys the kids everything they want and I can’t. I have a job in sept with the kids school and became a religion teacher for my sons class. I’m trying to show him I don’t need him but I want him back. Help me.

    1. Dina
      I’m sorry you are hurting so much. I strongly encourage you to reach out and get some individual therapy. Suicide is serious business and you need to be at your healthiest place before you worry too much about saving your marriage. You have to work on saving YOU. I wish you all the best sweet girl.

  35. I have been married for 20 years, we had ups and downs and we had great times in our marriage but we never gave up on us until a year and a half ago when he asked for divorce. He was tired and he blame me for everything that went wrong in our relations ship. He is having some affair for sure. He is not admitting but I found some proves. I really love him and we have a son together. I dont want to give up on us. I spoke with couple lawyers this week about the divorce. I am very confused. I felt that just a miracle to make him change his mind and I am suffering to much about all this situation. do you have any suggestion how to proceed..? Florida has no separation just divorce.
    He is 47 years old.

    1. Claudia…we get this question so many times. And I always say the same thing. We can give advice like this on a public forum in a situation we don’t have enough information about. I’m really not trying to “sell” coaching when I say this… but it is the only way to get the customized service you need. There are legal and moral restrictions that won’t allow us to do this. I hope you understand. I’m working now to find ways to help people who can’t afford coaching services. We just started a group coaching call so people can pay much lower fees to get information and specific advise in their situation. We are actually starting a new group very soon. If you are interested…call us.

  36. I am currently in this same situation with my husband who wants a divorce so bad! My husband stated he isn’t in love with me anymore and I’ve been praying that his heart will soften for God first then me, to rekindle the affectionate/intimacy we once had. We havent been married for a year (8 months in) … A lot of the exercises listed of what not to do, is EXACTLY what I’m doing right now! This blog has given me extra hope and more insight on how to conduct myself in this situation.

    1. Bridget – I am going through the same thing with my wife after only 7 months. I feel so lost and hurt. I hope things have gotten better for your marriage, and I will pray for you two.

      1. I understand. I live with my husband and he’s done with me. I had an affair last year. I never stopped loving my husband but the other guy would t stop talking to me and it was exciting. We were doing great but my husband wouldn’t stop trying to search and find things cause he couldn’t get it out of his head. He is the greatest man. Been with him for 20 yrs. we have 3 beautiful children. Tried to kill myself cause I hated the fact that I hurt him and my family. I want to make everything better and prove to him I will never do this but he’s done and won’t try. I wish I could go back in time and take it all away. Now it’s hopeless we live in the same house. He comes and goes as he pleases and I cry all the time. I love him and miss him. I feel guilt for what I have done to him and my kids. I wish I had someone to talk to him but no one will help me.

  37. I am in dire need of help! My husband and I have only been married a year and 3 months and he was gone for a whole year of our marriage due to being in the Marines and during that year things were pretty strained because of the distance, he got home a few days after our one year anniversary and for the first week or so, things were wonderful. We have been bouncing back and forth between his mothers house and mine because we currently do not have a home. He quickly started stressing about finding a job, and I became stressful after I found out that he had cheated on me and I did something horrible, I smacked him as soon as I found out about the incident… I forgave him and he forgave me and we’d still been fighting a lot but we’d have more days than good for the most part. He got a job 3rd shift and that left us very little time to see each other. about 3 weeks ago, I got into some legal trouble that he and I both knew would result in jail time which ended up only being 10 days. When I got out of jail, it’d been nearly 2 weeks since id seen him and I called him as soon as I was out and he informed me that he was unhappy and didnt know if we could fix things. and now he tells me he wants a divorce and wont even see me or talk to me. I love him more than anything and it’s too early to just give up. What am I supposed to do to save our marriage if we are staying in 2 different cities??

  38. My wife and I are having serious problems. I flirted with a coworker and did a webcam and was looking online at personal ads. She started checking up on me to see if I was cheating (I never physically cheated and never had sex or feelings for the coworker). She has told me she got to the point that she didn’t care anymore and doesn’t want to be around me or work things out. She wants to get “her ducks in order” and leave. She has agreed to go to one counseling session for me but I am afraid of losing her. We have three children and I want to be a family again. Do you think she could fall in love with me again. She has told me she cares about me and loves me but doesn’t want to be with me. In the past and I mean a week ago, I would check our mobile phone account and facebook to see if she was texting, calling or on facebook. She is carrying on with a foreign man on Facebook and its sexual but she claims its all a game. What do I do to save my marriage? Please help. I don’t want to push her away but would love to stabilize what we have before she is able to leave. Is there still hope for us?

    1. Russell,
      I can’t predict the future, but if you want to work things out with your wife you need to start doing something differently NOW. Your wife is playing in a fantasy world and you, no doubt, look like a watered down version of what she is seeking. Both of you have turned outside of the marriage for something you weren’t getting with each other. Honestly, I recommend an intensive. It sounds as if it is time to do something BIG to get things moving in the right direction. Call us at 972-441-4432 and we can tell you how to move forward.

  39. So today is Thursday and on Sunday my long term girlfriend told me she thinks I need to live somewhere else and she needs time to work on her. She said I needed to stay somewhere else. I talked her into letting me stay . She cuddled a little that night but then made me sleep on the couch. I cried like a baby. The next two days she would tell me she loved me back after I would say it twice but wouldn’t text it when we were at work. I got her flowers and a card on Monday and a awesome teddy bear on Tuesday. These two days she would cuddle a little and very little but still made me sleep on the couch. We even got on the Harley and road to the lake and watched the sun set. On Monday and Tuesday she would laugh and smile when she thought I was funny or she liked what I got her. Well on Wednesday I could tell things were different. We went to lunch and she wouldn’t look at me. That night when we got home, she right away told me she wanted to officially break up and I got beyond emotional. So she ran out the back door and went to the bar with one of our mutual friends and two hours later text me and said to meet her in the room and that the next hour didn’t change what she said earlier. She walked in the bedroom drunk and ripped my clothes off and gave me the best sex we had in a long time and left scratches everywhere on me. Then she went and showered and I heard her crying so went to help. She was curlled up in the shower crying saying she was sorry she isn’t in love with me any more and for ha ing sex with me and leading me on. Then had me wash her because she was too drunk. Then had me take her to the bed and rub her feet and then go get her fast food. After she ate she had me sleep in the couch again. Today she still says I need to find my own place. She said she’s not saying we won’t ever one day later try again, but before that’s a thought, I need to get my own place. WHAT DO I DO! Is it too late. All I want is her and her kids in my life. They are all my world. Help help help

  40. My wife has moved out and after reading this blog and many others on this subject I realize I’ve been doing all the wrong things…begging her to come back, promising I’ll change, trying to convince her to go to counseling etc etc. She’s telling me that she just wants to be happy and that she can’t have that with me anymore and if I love her and really care about her that I’ll let her go. I’m a total mess but after doing the research I finally told her that I won’t fight her anymore and I’ll let her go because I truly do want her to be happy. We did go to counseling and it was helping immensely but when things started getting better we stopped going and gradually fell back into the same routine. I want to get counseling for myself to help with dealing with the loss if she does decide to go ahead with the divorce. she hasn’t filed yet and has only been moved out for a week. Should I just continue to be positive with her and support her decision? Should I tell her I’m seeing a counselor? I also have a 13 year old daughter who she’s helped me raise since she was 6 months old and we haven’t told her about the seperation. I’m at a loss and the pain feels like it’s going kill me.

  41. my husband filed divorce one month ago. And he is still staying in the house. He asked me how I feel if he would move out.
    I am not sure how to answer him as I do want to work out the things out for the marriage. Should I get him out of the house in order to have him realize what he would miss out? Or have him to stay in the house so we can see each other to work things out if I can try to do things right?
    very trouble. Appreciate your reply.

    1. Linda, It is so hard to give specific advice on this blog. I just don’t know enough about your situation. But that’s what our coaches are here for. If you are interested, email us at support@engagewithlove.com or call us at 972-441-4432. We can get you set up with a free consult.

  42. Hi Kim
    I am going to try and schedule coaching, but I live it the UK and I have to try and work out times when my partner is not home. My partner wants to end our 10 year relationship, but there are are also clues that she is reaching out in a scared way.

    My partner has tried therapy on her own for a year and then we attended couples therapy for a long time. She became increasingly frustrated that she could not open up. She made small progress at the end, but now feels she is back where she started.

    I have tried several approaches but it seems the more I work on myself, the more she feels ‘one down’ with a mixture of aggressive resistance and self pity.

    I was also wondering if your book “Re Engage” has any use at the this stage as my partner does not want me to try any more and seems focused on selling our home.

    1. Ian, I hope you were able to schedule time with a coach. Every situation is different and giving advice without all the details is dangerous.

      Re Engage is more work on YOU. But it also tells you how to make yourself more attractive to your spouse on 4 different levels.

      Hang in there, Ian! Fighting for your marriage is hard work. We are here for you.

  43. Hello I need help my husband walk away from me and his kids two months ago. He us now living in another state and is already with someone else. He has left me to take care of our kids on my own with no job and no place to live. Been staying with a friend but I can’t stay here much longer and I have no where to go. He will not talk about working things out he says he’s happy now. I love him and want to save my marriage but I don’t know how. He says he loves me but is not in love with me.

    1. Melissa…I’m so sorry to hear this. Please call us at 972-441-4432. We can get you a coach to help you with this situation right away.

  44. Dear Kim, First- thank you for the article. Second- my disaster. I have been married 15 years. My wife is 14 years younger. We have an 18 month old (first child for both) I put her through two degrees and her PHD. She is very smart. I have been the caretaker of our child for her first year. I was also returning to school to finish a degree. Then, Bam! my wife leaves, takes our baby and will not talk to me at all. She filed divorce papers and it’s been 6 months. Judge ordered her to allow me to see our daughter but she does the bare minimum. She emptied our life savings when she went. To this day- she refuses to talk to me and is so angry. Her lawyer says she is scarred of me. I know she is not scarred and I still love her. I have respected her in that the only thing I will contact her about is our child. She is using our child to hurt me. I am lost and clueless…
    A

    1. Allen,
      Your wife may be scared of you even if you don’t understand it. If you want to save your marriage, there are things you can be doing to help your wife feel more like being around you. Check out http://www.engagewithlove.com. We have a free ebook that might help you as well as some workbooks at reasonable prices. Hope this helps.

  45. My Husband left almost a month ago. He said he does not love me anymore and that he wanted a divorce. I was devastated and thought about what will happen now, we have a two year old son. I love him very much and wanted the marriage to work but he refused and he said he doesn’t feel the same. He said the reason was he had been depressed for years because he felt neglected, criticized and unappreciated by me. I was heartbroken and did not know what to do. I did all the things a wife will do to make her husband stay. I begged, threatened, pressure and cried in front of him. He became more distant which made me worry some more. I am seeing a counselor to help me cope with the situation. I feel like its all my fault why he left and does not want to come back. What do I have to do to make him come back and love me again?

  46. Dear Kim, I cant tell you how similar my situation is to John and Marcy! It is identical except for one point…my husband moved out of our home and a week later i had to move out as well since we lived in a rented apartment and the lease did not get renewed. We have both moved in with our parents since we live in India and that is the norm. In the first part of this post you have mentioned how separating drastically reduces the chances of a reconciliation….add pampering parents to this mix and im starting to feel rather hopeless…we have started councelling but he insists he is doing it ‘so we can continue to be friends’ and ‘to help me sort myself out’.

  47. Hi thank you so much for your site! My wife and I have been together for 23 years and just got married last october. I was laid up on the couch for 6 months as my back is very bad and she told me she was very lonely and finally she started acting weird telling me she was doing this job and leaving all the time. I finally found out she was on the phone with a younger guy and he had sent her pictures of himself and he is in great shape and only 40 years old and she is 58. Every time I asked her what was going on she got extremely mad at me. I did some investigating after she just left to stay with friends of ours and found out she lost 64 thousand dollars to a scam. I got the police involved and there is a on going investigation. It turns out this young guy offered her money from his trust if she would put up money. I told her I was ready to leave if she did not tell me what was going on. It turned out there is no young guy and it was all a fake. Now it seems like she is blaming me for all of this and she is mad because he does not exist. She called me tonite trying to pick a fight and I asked her are you mad at me and she said no but I have to go because I am tired and have to get up early tomorrow. I am so confused because she is acting like I did something wrong when it is her! She is getting a medical settlement and as soon as I told her about that today she changed towards me! It seems like now that she is getting money She is angry at me! Maybe you can tell me what the hell is going on?

    1. Don, I can’t tell you what is going on with your wife….but you may benefit from working with one of coaches. Give us a call!

      1. Hi I need help my husband left me and my kids after 10yrs of marriage for my best friend of 5yrs who was his brothers ex and he has severe depression and she made him feel better and we want him back I’m 29 he’s 27 and my now ex friend is 18 in college and goes to frat parties and drinks will this last …. He told me he loved me and cared about me but wasn’t in love with me anymore and I just don’t believe it’s true

  48. I see a TX location. We are in St Louis MO. Do you have any recomendations for counselers or reading material to suggest?

    1. Anna, we work with clients all over the world through our marriage coaching division, Engage With Love. We’d love to help you as well! You can learn more about the program at our website http://www.engagewithlove.com or feel free to give us a call at 972-441-4432. On our website you’ll find a free e-book, our Re-engage Toolkit and many blog posts that I believe you will also find helpful. Blessings.

  49. Hy hudband told me 3 weeks ago that he has not been happy in a long time- years. We’ve been together for 8 years and married for 3. We have a (almost) 7 year old son. He told me that he doesn’t feel anything towards me anymore and even wonders if he did in the first place or if we just stayed together becasue we had a child. He said we could do counseling, but after our first session he hasn’t done any of the direction she gave us! I feel helpless because I have made some major life changes for myself and he has pulled away even farther. I dont understand how he can just give up without trying. I know that I havent been a great (or even good) wife, but, I never thought of divorce as even an option. I’m afraid and feel helpless. Since our sex life (or very much lack of) and romance are huge parts of the problem, our counseler suggested to have sex, cuddle, be overly romantic, and pretty much told my husband to just try with some of those feelings. I have been very forward and sexual with him, but I even get rejected. I have confronted him and asked him why he isnt putting in any effort and I can tell Im just pushing him farther away. He has already made up his mind that he is done with our marriage and is just falsely going through the counseling without even opening up to the idea that it might work. I just feel so helpless everyday and dont know what to do.

    1. Anna, Call us today! We can help!!! 972-441-4432. When a spouse goes to counseling in half-hearted manner such as your husband described, it can cause more damage than good. That’s why we do Discernment Counseling. Read more about that here.

  50. My husband wants a divorce and I don’t. Thday he told me I cried. He also stopped living with us that day. Since then I have been using your techniques. But, I have ended our calls by saying I love him which goes against your advice. I will stop doing that. Do you think there is hope if I continue the techniques or because he said he already filed, it’s too late? We have two small children and we don’t want to lose him. Please help us.

    1. Jackie, Thank you for reaching out to us. I am sorry you are going through such a difficult situation in your marriage. Give us a call at 972-441-4432 and we can help! Blessings.

  51. Hi, Recently 2 week’s ago my wife didn’t come home one night. She said she was staying with a friend and has been for the past 2 weeks. She does not want to continue with the marriage and wants to move on with her life much like what I have read here. Her friend is constantly telling her that she can do better and should move on because she left her boyfriend of 2 years by just walking out on him in the same manor. We have free counseling local but she refuse’s to go. She already is getting her a 1 bedroom apartment and still does not want to even come talk to me in person. We have been together for 7 years now, She has lost her mother and father in this time and almost blames me for not spending more time with them. I have had extremely bad luck with work the past few years but I have atleast made a little money a month. She said I just did not try hard enough and didn’t care if I even got a good job. I have realize my mistakes in all this and I start a new job this monday in a refinery She ofcourse said “It’s to late” What do I do? I can’t just give up on us we had so many good memories but i am afraid her friend is clouding any and all of her judgement at this time. Her friend admitted to me that she told her she could find better, and they are basically teaming up on me is this a lost cause?

  52. I am glad I stumbled upon this website. I am feeling desperate and wonder if there’s any hope for my 17 year marriage. I am a recovering alcoholic, and have been sober for three months. Considering all I have lost due to this disease I cannot fathom relapsing, although I understand there are no guarantees. I attend my AA meetings every day. I am working the steps with a sponsor. Before my wife asked me to leave I agreed to get help for my alcoholism. I am now seeing that she has been entertaining the idea of divorce for some time. I was a blackout/violent drunk and said and did things that I don’t think my wife and oldest daughter will ever forget. I know 90 days doesn’t make up for 17 years, but I truly do love this woman with all my heart. We have two children, one which won’t speak to me and the other who I have a good relationship with. My wife has been to the lawyer’s and is now ready to move forward. In the beginning of our separation a few months ago I did all the wrong things, I pursued and pleaded and basically looked pathetic and selfish. Through AA I am learning t o address my character defects that along with my drinking led to where we are. My wife, myself, and our two children ages 16 and 14 see a counselor here in KC but separately. I have asked for marriage counseling but my wife refuses to go. She says there’s no hope for any sort of reconciliation, that too much has been said and done over the years for her to entertain continuing our marriage. She has already started filing out divorce papers and is ready to move on. Is this a lost cause? I know that sometimes alcoholism negates any kind of possibility of reconciliation but I thought I’d ask. I’m at the end of my rope. Thank you for any info or help you might be able to give. I work on the radio and doing a five hour show, pretending that all is happy in my life, is starting to grind and show in my work, which isn’t good of course. Again, thanks for any help you can give.

  53. Okay it seems like every answer is call us one of our professional counselors can help, but I’ll send you my question anyway. My husband had an emotional affair. Two weeks ago he was willing to try and go to counseling and try to work things out, but I felt like there was still things he was keeping from me. I asked to see his phone and when I pulled up his pictures the first one that came up was a picture of her. He still tries to tell me that there is nothing going on. Now he wants me and our six year old to leave and go back to the mainland. He is finally starting to talk to me, after I asked him to please just talk to me so I could leave with some closure. He says that he felt like I was only with him for financial support etc and that when he had this affair is was because it was nice to feel like he was a nice person. Now I don’t know what to do because you say not to leave, but I have a container coming over to ship all of my things back and don’t have hardly any time to change this situation. My gut feeling was to start treating him like a friend and I have been the last couple of nights. The think that scares me is that he was telling me just yesterday that he still loved me and today he said he still ‘cares’ about me.

  54. Hi,

    My husband wants a divorce because he sees me as a compulsive liar and thinks I am seeing another man. I am not seeing another man, but I did make the mistake of going out with another in the past. I know that we both still love each other very much, but my husband has zero trust in me. How can I fix this? I want to be with my husband forever.

  55. I am in the same situation as this article. My husband of 9 years doesn’t believe he ever loved me and now he is wanting to leave. He started telling me I needed to lose weight or knit-picking about little things he didn’t think I did as well as I should have. He recently got a nice job and i guess he was hoping that would help his feeling of disatisfaction. Instead he told me yesterday that he just isnt happy with me. He says its nothing ive done and it really isnt me but that he just isnt happy. I am such an emotional person. It is pretty much impossible for me to stay strong it seems. I love my husband and our children and I want to share our lives together. I can’t imagine watching my kids grow up and not having him to share it with. He thinks counseling is a waste of time. He doesn’t feel like he can help or change the way he feels. We have two little girls (5&6). Any advice or specific tips on what I can do would be so appreciated.

  56. And i read some of your other comments thats another thing i still act like we r together i cook i clean i run n do for him i tell him i love him i cry everyday…we hve been split up for three months i would think by now he wld relize i aint goin anywhere

  57. M husband and.i have been.together goin.on.two year we have a 5 month old daughter together…i love him.with all my heart and wld do anything in.this wrld to make our.marriage work we still currently live together bt i sleep in.oppsite rooms he is at the he hates me.piont he wants me.dead…he wont speak to.me unless it about our daughter or he needs somethin…he leaves when.i enter…he has alot of girls that r friends and i have a few guy friends which he accuses of us.being.more even though i tell him.we aint bc i only want him!! what can.i do to try to save my marriage…he says its bc i complain.n fuss all the time..bt when i dont..he dont.realize it.he.only pays attention.when i fuss

  58. Kim,

    I feel as if your technique will work! They love the chase, does that mean I continue doing his laundry and making his meals or stop all that to??! Help!!!

  59. I am now going through my first divorce and we have a child whose 2 years old. I don’t want the divorce my husband does. We still live together and I have asked him to rethink his decision but he seems to want nothing to do with me. We have been together for 3 years and have a very hard time communicating. We often argue. I need help saving this before its to late. He wants to go over the divorce papers but i can’t help but feel like he’s making the biggest mistake.

  60. My husband reached out to another woman in the begining of Febuary. He talked to this woman for advice on his marriage because he was unhappy. They carried on a text/phone relationship for a week and it was all day long for the entire week. He says he has no feelings for her like that. She had written him a letter and gave it to him on Valentines day and explained her feelings for him. He hid it from me. He works with this woman as well which makes it harder for me. He had a brothers weekend away about a week ago and made a few drunk phone calls to her. He says he doesnt rememeber any of it. This past Friday he told me he wanted a divorce because he could not live with the nagging and me not trusting or believing anything he says. After some convincing he in turn said I am willing to try a seperation for a few weeks to see if I can get my feelings back for you. That night he started talking to the same girl again. It has not stopped. He says he loves me but he just cant live like this anymore. We have been together for 9 years, married for 3 and we have a 2 year old. He was unhappy because he felt neglected and more importantly unappreciated. I have tried to get him to see that if he just stops talking to her it will get better but he wont stop. He said he does not see her like that and it is just good conversation. When he mentioned a seperation I made him promise me that he would not be with her in any physical sense. He did say he wouldnt do that yet any second he gets he is on the phone with her. He says when we get really bad he feels comfortable reaching out to her. I am not sure that it has gotten to the physical level yet, it seems like it because there are so many secrets, but he has never been that type. I do believe it is emotional even though he denies it. We have gone to counceling. We recently went to the priest that did our premarriage stuff and gave us a lot of good insight. Yet the problem is she is still in the picture and he can not clearly think about us when he is being influenced by that. I dont know what to do. I love my husband and have tried but nothing I do or say is good enough.

  61. Kim,
    I’m having a similar problem as stated above my wife has left me for the second time now to go back to her parents and has gotten papers for the second time…when she came back for the first time it was a week And changes were made….but nothing really major. I know it’s because we have not had God at the center and I’m doing everything I can on my end but she doesn’t want anything to do with me just like your article saysshe’s gone and she won’t respond to any of my texts or calls and told me to leave her alone. I had her car 2 days after she left and she came and got it and we talked for 5 minutes and she assured me and promise me that she didn’t want this and she wasn’t going to divorce me and she loves me and she said it all in tears. I knowthe love is true and she really doesn’t want this but her parents are very influential in her life and don’t like me. I really need help I don’t have money and I’m nothing without my marriage I love this woman with all my heart.I’ll do whatever it takes for us to be together please help me.
    Please help
    Austin

  62. hello,
    my wife wants to leave me to the point where she is already trying to get different cell phone accounts, separate everything and discuss what we would split with the house. after reading your blog I’ve realized that a lot of it is exactly the situation I’m in. she is shutting down and saying she is done and doesn’t want to work on anything anymore. I’ve been very pushy and begging her to stay and nothing is working. sometimes i feel if i back off she will be pushed even farther away. i told her I’m going to change and stop the things that she doesn’t like about me. but she still says it won’t make a difference. her family is talking to her and getting into her head about me and telling her not to let me get to her. she is the love of my life and i don’t want to let her go and i will do anything to keep her. is it too late for me or is there still a fighting chance? i don’t want to lose her. and I’m from colorado

      1. Kim- I am in the exact same situation as Caleb above. We are already talking to attorneys. It has been nearly 3 weeks. At first she wouldnt respond to anything, calls, texts, etc. But she has been sick the past few weeks and is asking for favors. The kids have been sick too so I feel obligated to help. She is appearing very appreciative and we have been talking about the kids and it seems great. I know she is torn because of our kids but she is also very influenced by her parents. She didnt have a very good relationship with them and told them a lie about me about 15 months ago and her mom formed an opinion of me. She now has their attention and doesnt want to lose it. My wife said the lie would go away and pass in time but it didnt. I did get angry twice about the lie while drinking and said some things I wish I could take back. I asked her to defend me but she said again it would pass or go away. I gave in to the pressure and came across as angry. No one was touched- I would never do that- but no one would talk and her mom would not let me over during the holidays or for family events. I believe she loves me but just doesnt want to disapoint her parents and she said money has already been spent. A comment she made last week was that “we just cant be married right now.” What can I do? We have a mediation set for May 1 and a deposition in the next two weeks. I hope to hear from you or someone asap. Thanks.

    1. Sorry Matt…I don’t know anyone in that area. I got your email and Audrey will be contacting you soon. We want to work with you! Your situation is our specialty!

      Stay tuned!

  63. Hi,
    My wife wants to leave me. She said that we always fight. She dose not want to go to consulting. She has asked before but neither one did anything. She said she will go to help me but she’s had already moved on. With another man she has a connection with. Im told that this is only through texting an and face book.
    What am I too do!
    She said she will stop talking to the other man while she working on us but how do I trust her on this.

    Please help love what I have seen on the web

  64. My wife and I have been married for 3.5 years and together for almost 8. We were best friends up until about three months ago, when she dropped the bomb that she was “unhappy” and “Wasn’t in love with me anymore” or “didn’t love me how I deserved to be loved”. We still live in the same house and share a bed together. I have never cheated on her and she has never cheated on me. I know I have some trust issues from previous relationships and I unfairly projected those issues onto her. I am working on that. We used to do everything together and now she seems agitated and anxious when we are even in the same room together. I have admitted to my mistakes and am taking steps to make sure they are not repeated. I am trying to find a life for myself, but I miss her so badly that it is stopping me from doing so.

    I can’t lose her, she is my best friend AND the love of my life. I am trying to work on myself, but I am the type that is always looking for progress reports or a light at the end of the tunnel. I have told her before that I will always hold out hope for us. Even if she decides to leave me I will hold out hope and fight till my dying breath for her. I am honestly at a loss of what to do at this point.

    She refuses to seek counseling after two sessions with a marriage councilor that made us feel worse than when we walked in. She doesn’t have many close girlfriends to talk to and her mom is in a similar situation with her step father (her step father and I are scarily alike). She sees what her mother is doing to her step father and hates it, but then comes home and does the exact same actions to me. She won’t talk to anyone about this, she says she feels ashamed and like a failure. How on earth am I to get her to open up when she is so closed off to everyone right now. I honestly believe she is getting trapped inside her own head.

    Please help, we are in Colorado and far from Texas.

  65. I’ve been married for 6 years. We married days before we found out our baby had passed away while I was 24 weeks. It was the hardest thing. Since then we’ve has 2 kids, 5 and 1. And he’s cheated about 5-6 times if not more. He’s been diagnosed bipolar. Every anniversary- the holidays. He is an absolute jerk and tries to hit on or cheats on me. He says he’s miserable with me and only wih me for our kids. I’ve dealt with so muh emotional anise and pain. But want to fight since I absolutely love him even though he’s a jerk. How do get through this and either fight or give him he what he wants and let him go. I’m in northern Cali.

    1. Rina
      The situation you described would be better handled by you and a local counselor. I hope you will seek out a professional mental health therapist who can help you sort through your feelings and give you skills to cope with this. I truly wish you all the best.
      Kim

    1. Annette, if you are in the Dallas area, call my office and I will make sure someone sees you this week. If you are wanting coaching, we can help you with that as well. If this is an emergency, you need to find a therapist in your area asap or go to a hospital.

  66. Hi me and my wife seperated 3 months ago..we live in seperate places…i want to work it out i made mistakes that really hurted her..she says she doesnt want nothing…with me is there any counselors you recommend in las vegas nv

    1. Arturo,
      I can’t recommend any counselors outside of the Dallas, Texas area. I just don’t know anyone in Vegas. You can hire one of my coaches to help guide you through this…if you are interested shoot me an email and I will get you hooked up.

  67. Dina,
    I won’t give specific advice online because I don’t have all the information. If you want guidance and support through this, you can hire one of my coaches who can work with you. Call us for more information.

  68. Curious: what is the reason to stop telling someone (that person being someone you do love/husband who wants a divorce) that you love them? Also, how would you recommend responding if he calls and says “I love you”?

  69. My husband believes i cheated on gim because i had male friends before him. They were strictly friends i never had sex with them at all. My husband does not believe that male and females can be friends without having sex , of course he has friends he claims he never had sex with so why the double standards i wouldlike to save my mmarriage but i am not sure what to do

  70. I Am From.Birmingham Alabama And Trying To Help My Marriage Survive A Separation. I Made A Mistake And Had An Emotional Affair.With Someone I Met online.I Had Decided That It Was Over And Was reaching Out For A Positive Connection. I Now Realize That I Did The Worst Thing Possible, But As You Said… Too Little Too Late. Now She Says Things Like, “You Are Smothering Me.” And ” I Need Time To Focus On Me.” I Know That She Still Loves Me But Is Focusing On Negative Thoughts To Aid Her In Denying Her Love Love For Me. Can You Give Me Any Advice And Can You Refer Me To A Counselor In My Area. Thank you.

    1. I’m sorry..I don’t know any counselors in Birmingham, although I did used to live there! You can hire one of my coaches to help you through this situation. Call or email for more info!

  71. My wife and I don’t live together, how can I get her to even see me? She won’t even answer my phone calls only text messages.

    1. Servando, I can’t give specific info without knowing details. You can hire one of my coaches to help support and guide you through this dilemma! We would love to help. Call or email for more info.

      1. Same bag with distance and no phone/email returns. Told “I will not accept a solution. I will only talk divorce.”

        I stepped back to remove pressure (not perfect) and he prompted a couple phone checkins, and then I back slid a week before anniversary (cried, begged to drop resentment, pressured that I have been working to improve, etc) prompting a stronger restatement of original stance that there will be no partnership only friendship because my efforts are too little too late and not appreciated…I desire him so much and I don’t want to accept defeat – but his desire to be friends only has me in a tail spin.

        He truly imagines I will just give up and be his best friend if he is firm. He has been hanging out with only single people and most of them are divorced and friendly with spouses…our friends are all happily married and never divorced.

        1. Hi Ginger, Your situation is one we hear often. The “leaning out” spouse (your husband in this case) is not only by not enticed by your reconciliation efforts but rather they seem to push him farther away. We can help by teaching you behaviors that will help re-engage him and draw him back to you. Please give us a call at 972-441-4432

    1. Julian
      Marriages survive infidelity, but your wife is probably experiencing what we call “limerence” with her affair partner. Limerence is a chemical high…that intense feeling of well-being and excitement that comes from a new relationship. Affairs usually end between 12 and 18 months after beginning. If you can be patient, your marriage still has a chance.

        1. Yes! Many times, it takes months/years for the affair to end but they almost always do. You need to be learning how to make yourself emotionally attractive to your spouse again. There is so much you can do to draw your spouse closer to you. I hope you hire us to work with you and show you how to do it!

          1. Hi Kim my name is Toni Jones I live in Springfield mo.I’ve been married to this wonderder man when we were in our teens been married for 23yrs with two kids and he says he is not happy any more and I love him so very much we had our cheating and swing life go on but we got bored of that then my husband of 23 yes went down the toilet just this morning I am so very lost and sad of what he is doing to me ….I don’t have a mom and dad I was a banded and I had a very bad raising up wit my adored family I lived with he rape me did so very awful things the father did to me but I don’t want to tell you more u will cry /I have a very lonnnnng history with this man ..oh god some one help me say lots of prayers for me that this man gives me anther chance

            From Toni Jones so sad I am

          2. Hi Toni, I’m sorry you’ve experienced so much trauma. It sounds like you have a long history with your husband and you want to have a long future with him as well. We help couples do just that! Please call us at 972-441-4432.

      1. Hi, my husband wants a divorce, but I strongly believe, that this is the worst decision to take. We have been together for 12 years and having a fantastic daughter. Our marriage was not so well for few last years. We were having us and downs. Recently we have more arguments than ever. He says he did everything to rescue our marriage, but the things he were doing were mostly talking. For a month ago he propose a divorce, being absolutely sure I will agree. I told him that I love him and for me it is not an option. He told me he started seeing someone else and does not want to be with me anymore. Somehow after seeing my feelings for him he all of a sudden does not know what is wright and what is wrong to do. We started seeing councelor and after two visit I can see a lot of mistakes we have done over the years to put our marriage as dead to him. He is fighting the thoughts that this can actually work, but still wants to continue the therapy. What do I do? He lives most of the times with the other woman, but comes home to see our daughter, which he loves very much. I do not know how to beehive. I want him back so badly, but all he is talking about is the future with the other woman. I am devastated… Please give me a little bit of light. Can our marriage be saved?

    2. My wife has left me and has moved out. It has been about 14 months. She said a couple of weeks ago she wants a divorce. She ( like myself) have been doing a lot of reading councils for separately. Throughout this past year she said about five times she would like to try again however she would change her mind two or three days later. She recently joined a online program and told me she met someone else on line and she is falling for him but they have never met. My partner or former partner is the most honest and kindest person in the world. I really want this marriage to work but she says she is done. What can I do to try to get her back as a last resort. Keep in min we have two young kids so we see each other at least 4 times a week.