Tag Archives: divorce

Is Divorce Your New Year’s Resolution?


Many of us  use the start of a new year as a time to set goals for ourselves.  We often call these resolutions.  For some,  divorce makes the resolution list.

Last January CNN reported on a study of divorce-related court filings in the United States. The data showed a spike in January, with an ongoing swell to peak activity in March.

Why does the beginning of the year spell doom for some marriages?

In my experience, there are several reasons:

  • Unhappy partners don’t want to ruin the holidays, especially if kids are in the mix.
  • Holiday time off provides more extensive couple time, for better or worse.
  • People really use the start of a year to take stock of their lives.

If this is you right now, I beg you to consider another option: Divorce your unhappy marriage, not your spouse.

''Divorce your unhappy marriage, not your spouse''. Click To Tweet

Your situation isn’t hopeless

I know it sounds trite. You’re probably thinking something like, “But you don’t know how bad it is.”

Actually, I do know how bad it can be.

I was in a marriage that felt lonely and miserable. I often woke up feeling like there was no hope. No matter what I would say to my spouse, or myself, nothing would change. I even told myself that we were incompatible. He is who he is and it isn’t fair to ask him to change just to make me happy.

But listen to me. Those are feelings, not facts. Situations can change. Your spouse can change. YOU can change.

I know this because of my marriage. But more than that, I know because I’ve seen it happen in other marriages, over and over again.

Your marriage doesn’t have to be a statistic

There is evidence that marriages can turn from rocky to robust. From lackluster to loving. I have personally seen it.

I’ve seen wives with harshly critical manners learn to approach their husbands with respect.

I’ve seen husbands who were emotional bullies stop the abuse completely.

I’ve seen spouses break down crying when they realized how their behavior was wounding their partner.

I’ve seen many, many couples come to grips with affairs and sexual addiction, and find healing on the other side.

But all of these marriages have something in common, something that’s required before change can happen: One of the partners decided, “We can’t live like this anymore.” Then they took action.

Decide, then act

If you’re reading this right now and trying to find hope for the new year, I’ll throw you a lifeline. It involves only three steps:

  1. Admit you’re drowning.
  2. Look for the help in front of you.
  3. Grab hold.

With those simple steps, this lifeline can pull you down a new path, one of hope rather than hopelessness. We can talk to you over the phone right now, or you can schedule an appointment online. I beg you, don’t give up on your marriage this year until you’ve at least taken the chance to talk with us.

So this is it. It’s time to decide how to start the new year. What will you do?

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Which Is Easier: Quitting Your Marriage, Or Fixing It?

quit or fix

I’ll give you my short answer right up front – In the long run, it’s much, much easier to make your marriage work than to give up on it.

That probably sounds counterintuitive, especially if you’re in the middle of the messy daily slog of a damaged relationship. And it runs counter to what you’ll hear from many of my marriage-counseling colleagues too:

Don’t feel guilty about ending the marriage; there is no shame in divorce. Ever.
Walk away if you feel it’s time.
If you feel you would be a better version of yourself without your partner, then go.
If you are miserable, it is better for you both to walk away…give
 each other the chance to experience a new beginning.

I grieve when I hear these.

Marriage is a sacred contract for good reason ''I grieve when I hear someone say it’s easier to end a marriage than try to save it''. Click To Tweet

Would you go into a business partnership with someone you thought might walk away at any moment? Of course not. You make a contract holding both of you accountable to not letting this happen.

In business, we contract. In marriage, we commit.

We commit to work through the problems in sickness and in health.

We commit even though some days our spouse is a jerk.  And on the days we’re the jerk.

We commit whether all our needs are being met. Or not.

We commit knowing there will be days we simply do not feel the love.

We commit because marriage is more than a contract. It’s a pathway to living up to who we want to be. ''In business we contract. In marriage, we commit''. Click To Tweet

If you quit, what will you miss?

This may not be the feel good answer you want to hear,  but when you endure hard days in your marriage, you grow.

Every marriage has potential walk-away moments.  In fact, any relationship of depth has those moments. Mine certainly has.  Yours will too.  Leaving may feel like a quick fix,  but in the long run, it doesn’t solve the problem. Or make your life better.  If you leave, you’ll simply repeat the destructive cycle over and over again, missing out on the growth that comes from enduring the hard days.

Growth comes from productive pain.

I teach my clients that un-productive pain is the cycle in which nothing changes or gets better. It just hurts.  If you’re unhappy with your marriage and considering divorce, that’s probably where you are right now.

Productive pain is similar to losing 20 pounds. You make the decision. You start to restrict your calories and increase your activity. It’s hard but you stick with it, working through the pain to get your desired result. You grow from productive pain. It has a purpose.

''Productive pain is pain with a purpose''. Click To Tweet

Now am I saying every marriage can be saved? Absolutely not.

If there is ongoing abuse, you need to leave the relationship. But most marriages can be saved.  And not just saved to survive. They can become partnerships of healing – for yourself and others.

Let’s be clear: There are painful times ahead

But let’s choose productive pain over the unproductive kind.  One ends in personal growth, a stronger marriage, and a deep connection that lasts. The other ends in agony, divorce, and a likely repeat of this vicious cycle.

The commitment is worth it. I’ve seen it in my life and the lives of friends and family. When things get hard, I’m going to honor my commitment and fight for my marriage. The alternative is far worse.

If you feel the same, but don’t know how to make your pain productive,  give us a call or schedule an appointment with us online. We can help you figure out what’s going on in your marriage and teach you how to fight for it.

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