Monthly Archives: February 2014

Has Your Spouse Said They Never Really Loved You?

Has your spouse told you he/she never really loved you?  Have you heard him/her tell you they feel they settled for something less when they got married or they felt pressure to marry when they shouldn’t have?

These are certainly harsh and scary words to hear from the person with whom you expected to be married to forever.  You are probably confused and hurt.  But it doesn’t necessarily mean the marriage is over.  It doesn’t even mean your spouse doesn’t love you and it certainly doesn’t mean they never did.  Let me explain.

When someone has been unhappy for months or years in a relationship, the lens in which they view the relationship and their partner gets distorted.  Research shows that even our memories change.  When your spouse tells you they never loved you, they believe it.  But it doesn’t mean it is true. It is rare for someone to marry without feeling love for the other person.  They may have had doubts or fears (which is normal) but they did feel love in the beginning.  Dr. John Gottman calls this phenomenon, Negative Sentiment Override.  Eventually, the unhappy person can’t see or acknowledge anything positive about the relationship.  Eventually they are convinced they never loved enough or in the correct way.

I experienced this with my house.  My husband and I bought what we thought was our dream house.  From the very first day we moved in, our dream house proved to be a nightmare.  Four years later I hated the house and I couldn’t remember what I thought was so special or charming about it. Friends would tell me what a great house it was but all I could see were the problems.  I actually still live in the house and I still struggle with a love/hate relationship.  It’s getting better every day but at least now I can remember what first attracted me to the house.  I’m in the process of moving away from Negative Sentiment Override.

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When your spouse says they never loved you or they settled for less when they married you, they are expressing months or years of unhappiness and feelings of hopelessness.  It is a protection mechanism that allows them to begin to disengage without feeling too much guilt.  Disengaging gives them hope they will be happy again.

Part of what we do at The Marriage Place and Engage With Love is help you begin to make yourself emotionally attractive to your spouse again.  Until this happens, your spouse will not see hope the relationship can be healed or believe they can be happy with you.  Hope is the key here!  It is likely you have made promises to change things in the past and have not been able to sustain those changes.  Each time you reverted back to old behaviors, your spouse lost hope and incentive to stay in the marriage.  Your actions now are way more important than your words.  That’s why it is so important to start changing your behavior now!

I know you must be worried that you have waited too long and it is too late to save your marriage.  But I promise you it doesn’t have to be too late.  Your spouse may be telling you it is hopeless but that’s because they have lost sight of what the relationship used to be and what it can be again.  Let us help you figure out what your next step needs to be.  We specialize in these situations and we know how to help you get your spouse re-engaged.   Give us a call at 972-441-4432 and let us schedule a free 15 minute consultation.  What you have been doing hasn’t been working.  Unless you do something differently, you are going to lose your marriage.  It is time to try something new.

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Play This Game and Design Your Ideal Mate – Now This Is Cool!

Do you have a partner with a habit or flaw you’d like to eliminate, tweak or fix? Let’s play a game about that.

Part One

You can now design your ideal mate. Pick from any of the traits described below and even add a lot more. Go wild. Create a list of all the positive traits you wish for in your mate.

Your dream partner can now be assembled like ordering a new car.

It might be easiest to print this list so you can circle your favorites and add others.

  • Intelligent
  • Sensitive
  • Interesting
  • Fun loving
  • Wants as many kids as I do
  • Great parent
  • Has many exciting interests
  • Attractive
  • Values good health
  • Enjoys their work
  • Likes animals
  • Honest
  • Loves me for who I am
  • Great sense of humor
  • Enjoys sex about as often as I do
  • Loves taking care of others
  • Gives me all the space I want when I want it
  • Sparkling conversationalist
  • Loves cooking for me
  • Enjoys the same foods, movies, music and sports
  • Manages money well and is a great investor
  • Extroverted and fun in social situations
  • Introverted and likes quiet, serene romantic settings
  • Likes to exercise
  • Great travel companion
  • Has the same sense of adventure
  • Loves what they do professionally and the sky is the limit
  • Knows just how much to tease me
  • Trustworthy
  • Wants to talk when I do
  • Is interested in my day if I want to talk about it
  • Is willing to go to therapy (just in case)

Wow, what an ideal partner. And he or she is all yours. Just keep reading.

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Part Two

Now that you have described your dream partner, let’s do part two. For every four positive traits, you now need to include one irritant. Because we are all flawed creatures, we have to balance the picture.

Look at the list below and choose one characteristic for every four on your original list. What are you willing to live with in order to have all those juicy positives? In this scenario, the negatives are fixed and pretty permanent.
Remember the ratio is 4:1. Count your list of positive traits and divide by 4 to see how many traits you need to select from the list below.

  • Insecure
  • Bi-polar
  • Narcissistic
  • Passive aggressive
  • Conflict avoidant
  • Hairy back
  • Lazy
  • Not interested in sex when I am
  • Addicted to TV or video games
  • Doesn’t want the same number of kids I do
  • Poor kisser
  • Loves eating junk foods
  • Messy
  • Forgets birthdays and anniversaries
  • Unmotivated
  • Stingy
  • Jealous
  • Insecure
  • Really embarrassing fashion style
  • Nags
  • Chews with mouth open
  • Snores loud enough to scare small animals
  • No sense of humor
  • Watches way too much T.V
  • Rarely expresses emotions
  • Trapped in go nowhere job and doesn’t mind it
  • Spends way over the budget
  • Interrupts and doesn’t listen well
  • Swears a lot
  • Tendency toward chronic depression
  • Too much overweight or underweight
  • No common activities
  • Has unpleasant friends
  • Bad health

There you have it – a real live human being who is complex, annoying, loving, and full of contradictions.

Make a Valentine’s Day Commitment. For the day before, the day of and the day after, experiment with accepting your partner’s irritating traits. Increase your positive recognition of your partner’s pluses and overlook their negatives.

Valentine’s Day has become way too commercial. Isn’t this better than any box of candy?

Also, do your best to evaluate yourself against these lists and look at the ratio you bring to your relationship. Do you see the same plusses and minuses as your partner sees in you?

If you do part three, congratulations. Please share any discoveries or how hard it is to resist blaming and criticizing for those 3 days.

We look forward to reading your results on the blog!

And Happy Valentine’s Day.

 

*This game was reproduced from a blog post for The Couples Institute at http://www.couplesinstitute.com

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