When Your Husband Doesn’t Want SexWhat not having sex is doing to your marriage, part 2

Ok, ladies. You’ve asked for it and here it is.

We sent out Part 1 of this topic (which focused on women not having sex), and within minutes we started receiving comments from women complaining about their husbands not wanting sex.

So many people wanted to know why I took the slanted approach of wives who are refusing their husbands. Honestly, I took that approach because that is what I have been seeing in my office in droves lately.

But listen, the problem goes both ways, and by the end of the day, it was obvious I was going to have to address this issue from the opposite point of view.

Women who find themselves in a sexless marriage have many of the same frustrations as men.

They feel frustrated, alone, embarrassed and angry.

They also feel insecure.

They wonder if they are sexy enough, attractive enough or thin enough.

It is confusing to hear female friends complain about husbands who want it all the time and then come back to a home where no one is pursuing her. Our culture feeds the notion that men are hypersexual, so if you are married to a man who isn’t all that interested, well…there must be something wrong with the woman.

If you are a woman whose husband isn’t interested in sex, you feel like a freak.

Marriage is a partnership. You enter it voluntarily and there are spoken and unspoken agreements.

One of those agreements is that there will be a sexual relationship. When one partner refuses to participate, it is exceptionally selfish.

A sexless marriage feels so powerless and frustrating.

There just isn’t any way around it. Sex is important in a relationship.

It is the one thing that keeps you from just being roommates sharing the same bed.

There are several reasons why a husband doesn’t want sex with his wife.

  1. Physical reasons – It’s always good to start with a checkup to make sure there isn’t something going on physically or hormonally. Low testosterone is fairly common, but I find that raising T levels doesn’t always fix the problem. Still, this is the easiest place to start and begin ruling out factors.
  2. Pornography – This is a touchy subject for many people. There are experts out there who will tell you that pornography enhances sex for couples. I strongly disagree. I find porn causes many more sexual problems than any other single item on this list. Porn changes the brain, and not in a good way. Check out www.yourbrainonporn.com to see what I mean. I don’t recommend it for either men or women, and I’ve seen it cause a lot of harm in relationships. You can also check out the posts we have here on porn use. If your man doesn’t want sex, it could be because he is using porn. If this is the culprit, the fix is cutting off the porn use cold turkey and retraining his brain to increase his desire for a real person.
  3. The quality of your relationship – I think everyone knows that women need emotional connection to increase physical desire. This same thing can be said for men as well. If a man is feeling criticized or belittled by you, he will shut down sexually. (See also: Help! I don’t find my wife attractive). You can’t rage at him or tell him he needs to “be a man” and then expect him to want to have sex with you. A man needs to feel respected by you. If you are talking down to him, treating him like a child, telling him what to do and when to do it, your sex life will suffer.
  4. Performance Anxiety – Men have a lot of pressure to perform. They cannot fake what they don’t feel. Some men are so worried about maintaining an erection or ejaculating prematurely, they shut down and avoid sexual contact altogether. Anxiety is certainly a mood killer. Please don’t minimize the impact performance anxiety can have on a man. I worked with a couple where the man had one episode of not being able to maintain his erection. All his wife said was “Well, that was disappointing”. He became so worried that he would have a repeat performance that it happened again several times. After three or four failed attempts, he shut down. They couldn’t resume a normal sex drive until he dealt with his anxiety. Drugs like Cialis can help but many men are resistant to taking them. The best defense is to deal with the anxiety.
  5. Lack of non-sexual touch – Many women don’t believe this one but I see it quite a lot actually. Not every man needs a lot of physical touch like holding hands, hugging and kissing but many of them do. If you are stand-offish and you are constantly thwarting his attempts to be close to you, he will likely pull back sexually as well. When your guy comes up behind you and puts his arms around you, he is risking rejection. If you stiffen or push him away frequently, he feels unwanted and unwelcomed. This carries over into the bedroom as well.
  6. Depression – Men often get depressed and the symptoms go unrecognized. Depression in men often looks like anger and withdrawal. Sexual desire would be one of the casualties of depression for both men and women.
  7. Your attitude about sex – You may not ever openly reject your husband’s advances but if your attitude is “get this over with quickly” you are certainly dousing the mood. For a woman to have good sex, it requires skill on her lover’s part. For a man to have good sex, it requires an eager partner who is obviously enjoying herself. I have heard many men tell me they would rather masturbate than have sex with a woman who just lies there.
  8. He is having an affair. I can’t count the number of times I have had a couple in my office where the man doesn’t want sex with his wife but comes to therapy to work on the relationship and it comes out later that he is having an affair. This disinterest in sex is usually accompanied by a general disinterest in being together at all. He may say he is working on things, but if he remains very detached and disinterested it is certainly a factor I would consider.

If your husband doesn’t want sex, it is time to find out what is going on.

Too many people keep ignoring this situation and hoping things will get better on their own. Sometimes they do but if things have been going this way for months or years, stop waiting and start pressing for some answers.

If you ask your husband why he doesn’t want sex, he is almost certainly going to tell you he doesn’t know. And that may very well be the truth.

He may have no idea why he doesn’t want sex.

He may not be able to make the connection between how he feels and his libido. He just knows he doesn’t want it as often as you do.

So your conversation needs to go something like this:

“Honey, we aren’t having sex enough for me to feel like I’m getting what I need and want from this relationship. This is really a problem for me. It is very important to me that we get to the bottom of what is going on. I’d like for you to make a doctor’s appointment for a physical checkup and if everything is normal there, I will make an appointment for us to see someone who specializes in this area. I know this may make you uncomfortable, but I love you and our life together too much to just let this go any longer. I’m building up some serious resentment and I’m afraid if we don’t tackle this problem together, I will continue to detach and continue to feel hurt and rejected.”

If he refuses to talk to anyone with you, let him know you will be going alone. If you are at the point where you are considering leaving the marriage, I would respectfully let him know you are disappointed in his decision to avoid the subject and you aren’t sure what this means for the future of your relationship. You aren’t giving idle threats. You are just being honest and letting him know this is serious.

Then the most important part is to FOLLOW THROUGH. Make an appointment with someone who is comfortable and knowledgeable to talk to you about sexual problems.

Contact us online or call us to make an appointment today. Calling us can be your first step toward restoring the sexual pleasure in your relationship.

No Comments

  • Tonya says:

    I appreciate you taking the time to write this. I am in a completely sexless (more than 5 years) marriage. I AM becoming extremely bitter. We have tried counseling and I hear the same complaints over and over but nothing changes. It’s heartbreaking. I truly don’t know what to do. I will give him kudos for getting testosterone shots but that’s been three months now with no changes. I live a very sad, isolated life. He doesn’t understand my complaint that we are just roommates and I’m just the secretary.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Tonya, sad and isolated are words I’ve heard many times from clients who were in sexless marriages. It’s lonely and that’s why I do everything I can to help my clients identify the cause and change it. For a man to seek medical help for an issue like this takes courage so kudos to your husband for his willingness to do so. Low T however may not be all that is in play here. There could be other issues at play. Or, it simply may be that being intentional with intimacy after a long hiatus can be awkward at first. If you haven’t done so already, I encourage you to seek help with a coach or counselor trained to help couples improve their intimacy. If you’d like to talk with one my team members please call us. Regards, Kim

      • Thekla Curry says:

        Ive accused my husband of many things, and now I’m paying the consequences.. I use to blame him for what he said about me and then I did the very same thing ..I feel sick over it and totally sexless now

        • Kim Bowen says:

          It’s good that you can see your part in the situation but don’t let things go at that. Seek help and guidance from a marriage and relationship expert on how to start repairing your relationship. Hopefully, your husband will be willing to seek help with you, but even if he isn’t, there are things you can do on your own that will make a positive impact on the relationship. TL for Kim

      • Thekla Curry says:

        Ive accused my husband of many things, and now I’m paying the consequences.. I use to blame him for what he said about me and then I did the very same thing ..I feel sick over it and totally sexless now

    • Sean says:

      I am a man who doesn’t want sex either, it seems like a caveman instinct that I am supressing. I have good testosterone and just don’t require sex, what is wrong with that? Also sex is stink, wet and gross. I prefer to just master bate and get on with life. What is wrong with that?

      • Kim Bowen says:

        Sean, Not wanting sex is absolutely your choice and it’s an okay choice if you are 1) not in a relationship or 2) your spouse is agreeable to live in a sexless marriage. Where it becomes an issue is if you’ve chosen to be in relationship with someone who sees things differently and needs/wants sex as part of a fulfilling marriage. It’s not unusual for couples to have different ideas and views on sex, but marriage is about compromise. It’s also about considering the needs of your spouse, neither of which does it sound like you’ve fully considered. I hope that your spouse is a part of your decision and her needs are considered here too. If this is an area of conflict, I hope you think about reaching out for help. Warmly, Kim.

  • Susan says:

    I just got married 4 months ago, and once we came back from our honeymoon, I was lucky if we had sex once a week. That’s still the case 4 months later and sometimes its 2 weeks. We live with his father, which I feel is part of the problem. Also, because our room wasn’t ready (and still isn’t), we had to sleep in his dad’s bed, and his dad sleeps on the couch. Well, my husband says his dad’s bed makes his back and hips hurt, so he actually has been sleeping in his old bed. He sometimes comes and lays down with me and we’ll touch each other and make each other cum, and then he goes back in his room. There’s hardly ever sex though. He works 2 jobs and doesn’t get home till after 11 every night during the week, so he’s really tired. Then on Saturday mornings, when his dad is at work, I try to wake him up around 9 or 10 to make love, but he says he needs his rest. When I confront him about wanting to spend time with him and make love, he says our marriage isn’t going to work, because I’m not happy and he doesn’t feel like he can give me what I want or meet my expectations. I love him so much, and I don’t know what to do.

    • Chantel says:

      I am soo so sorry too heear that,I wish I could offer you some advice but I too have a similar situation. I got married too the man off my dreams 3 months ago. Before we got married we never haad sex as I was saving myself for marriage(i being 23) and he obviosly haad had sex before as he is 37 but had waited since he met me. We always spoke about how great the sex would be once we got marries but we rarely have sex,I want too spend time with my husband all. The time because its something new for me and exciting I have never had sex and wwant too enjoy and experience all it has too offer with my husband but if we have sex once a week and he manages too last more then 10 minutes I am lucky. I never come through sex and its affecting me because I always want too be with him,he says I pressurise him and force him and because of that he doesnt want too have sex with me but I dont force him because I. Feel like. I cant even tell my own husband that I would want too have sex with him aas not too make him feel pressured. I feel alone and worthless and he never tells me he wants me or he finds me sexy and now I am so broken that when I wake up in the morning I just start cryinh cause its another day I know we wont have sex. He just doesnt see what it is doing too me,I feel so unatractive and broken. I dont understand why I saved myself for marriage because it doeesnt feel like it was worth it. And when I try and speak too him and tell him what I feel in my heart,he says Im making it worse and. Putting more pressure on him and now he wants too. Be with me even less…I am so broken.

      • Kim Bowen says:

        Oh Chantel, I’m so sorry! You are a newlywed and I hate that you are experiencing this in should be an exciting time in your life. I can imagine you feel crushed, having waited to share sex with your spouse only to have him not seem to be as interested in you as you are in him. Differences in sex drives, frequency preferences and the like often cause discord in couples. Sometimes there are medical issues at play to cause a partner not to want sex. Other times it’s emotionally driven – performance anxiety, guilt, fear, etc. or there is an outside influence impacting the relationship. Many of those couples seek a third party to help them work through them and figure out a solution that meets the needs of both partners. I’d encourage you to do the same and not let the hurt you feel now fester. We can help you if you are interested. Please give us a call. 972-431-4432. Warmly, Kim

  • Carol Campbell says:

    It has been so long sense my fiancee has touched me, I blame myself all the time but deep down inside i know I am not ugly and I wouldn’t have any problem finding a man that would find me sexually attractive, but I tell him he should be proud and glad that I desire him in that way. But now it’s just a big joke Every time I try and discuss this issue, he shrugs it off like it’s one big joke, meanwhile I’m dying inside and i desperately want and need to feel wanted again not to mention I have so much frustration and anxiety built up I could just birthday litterlerly if I ever get touched again, LOL I’m so lonely I cry daily

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Carol, I can feel your hurt and pain in your words. My first thought was “She needs a Sara Snyder”. Sara is one of the coaches on my team and she’s helped many women dealing with some of the same issues of lonliness and self worth you are dealing with now. If you aren’t doing so already, I encourage you to consider working with a counselor or coach. And, if you are interested, I’d be happy to put you in contact with Sara. Wishing you the best, Kim

  • Lisa Scearce says:

    I am living in a sexless marriage. It is the second marriage for both of us. It’s been well over a year with no physical contact of any kind. He won’t even kiss me with his mouth open. I have cried my eyes out to him about how much this hurts me. I have told him that it makes me wonder what is wrong with me, am I that disgusting. I didn’t know it was possible for your self esteem to be this low. I told him eventually my pride would kick in and I would stop begging my husband to touch or god forbid have sex with his wife. He always says it’s not me. He says he’s just at a point in his life where it doesn’t matter to him. I find cum stains in his underwear…..he says it’s from heavy lifting. He doesn’t understand why on Earth I think he could be having an affair???!!!!!!! I found porn on his browser history. He came up with the most ridiculous excuse I have ever heard to explain it. He denies masturbating, porn use or having an affair. Now his thing is that I never try anymore. OMG!!!!! I am so angry and hurt. I am filled with resentment that has spilled into every area of my life. Please advise.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Lisa, I’m sorry you are living in a sexless marriage. I’m not surprised though as I see this often in my practice. And when you consider how many don’t seek help for a sensitive topic like this, it means even more couples are struggling with this issue in silence. I commend you for speaking up! When a marriage is sexless, there is always a reason or reasons. Always. Porn and affairs are two of them. Emotional disconnect or physical issues are others. I have a specialist on my team, Eric Tooley, who specializes in sexual issues. If you’d like to know more, consider calling my office (972.441.4432) and requesting a free consultation with Eric. He’ll want to know more about your story and will be able to tell you if you (or you and your spouse) would be a good fit for coaching with him. Warmly, Kim.

  • Annette J. says:

    I have suffered silently with my sexless marriage, and frankly I thought I was in the “few “. I’m at this point 7 years in at an emotional bottom. I have solved my feelings of seeming inadequacy with the consumption of food. 100 lbs. worth. I now know I’m not the only one living this way. I can identify with all former comments, and now I know I’m not the crazy one.

  • Amy says:

    We have been married for 3 yrs and have a 19 mo son. I do not know when and where our sexual relationship went wrong. We would have sex once and then it wouldn’t be until another month or longer but I always have to ask. I ask with the hope that it happens and I end up being rejected. He’s always tired but yet has time for friends and tv. I do not feel loved and the connection we had is no longer there. I have been so angry and upset and I always try to make him happy but it seems like I am no longer enough for him. Despite all this I am still attracted to him and I yearn for the day that he wants me as much as I want him.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Amy, I’m so sorry for the rejection you feel in the relationship. Clearly something is “off” in the relationship. It’s impossible for me to know what simply by the few sentences you’ve written here but some of the most common reasons men don’t want sex are 1) medical issues such as low testosterone or 2) he is satisfying his sexual needs through another outlet such as porn. I would encourage you to have an open and honest conversation with him about your needs and see if he can meet you there. I’d also encourage you to seek the guidance of a professional who can help you process your feelings, set healthy boundaries, etc. If you’d like some help now, please call my office and we can get you started with a free consultation with one of my coaches. Warmly, Kim

  • Maggie says:

    I am so glad I am not alone in this because it certainly feels that way. I have tried for over 8 years to get my husband interested in me. I have heard every excuse in the book. First it was i never initiated so I started to initiate. Then I heard things like it’s too late, it’s too early to go to bed, it’s morning, it’s the middle of the day, you’ll be tired if we do it now, or he would pretend to fall asleep and many other things. I also tried telling him how much and how often I want him even how frustrated I am. He says I want it all the time to honey we just don’t have time!!!! I found out in the past couple of years that my husband prefers pornography on his cell phone, and sending pictures to another male friend and sharing what they want to do to these women. My husband makes sure I am on his list of things to do on most Saturday mornings but I feel
    Like a chore and once a week is not enough when it is the main way I connect with him. He denies he has a problem and continues to say he wants sex all the time like I do. I am beyond frustrated and have completely shut myself down to him emotionally.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Maggie, I think I just responded to your other comment. Please call my office and ask to set up a free consultation with Eric Tooley. He is one of my most experienced coaches and he specializes in porn addiction and the impact it has on relationships/marriages. Warmly, Kim.

  • Tonya says:

    I am on my second marriage. I am head over heels in love with my husband and desire him more than I could have ever imagined. We have been together 4 years. The first year we lived about 200 miles apart and only seen each other on the weekends. But we couldn’t get enough of each other. He then moved to be with me and the sex was always amazing. Everyday and sometime several times a day we would enjoy each other. We have been married 2 years and about 10 months ago the sex stopped. He doesn’t want to touch me. I can’t touch him. I feel so alone. I confronted him about it and was told he just didn’t have the urge anymore. We made a doctors appointment and there was nothing wrong. I try and I am turned down constantly. In two months we’ve had sex twice. I don’t know what to do.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Tonya, Any time I hear of a drastic change in frequency and sex drive, I always look beyond the sex to understand the full dynamics of the relationship. Drastic changes like this tell me something more is at play. I’m glad you started with a medical exam as that’s what I’d have suggested as well. I have a specialist on my team by the name of Eric Tooley who would be well suited to work with you (and your husband if he his willing) and help uncover the reason for the disconnect that started in the last year. Please call my office and ask to schedule a free consultation with Eric. Warmly, Becca

  • Christine says:

    Hi, this is the first time I have written a post on any site but I could do with some advice. I’ve been with my husband for 10 years, married for 6. I’m 38, he is 51 & we have a 6 year old. I am his third wife & when we meet we had a healthy sex life. We have now not had sex for nearly 4 years, which coincides with him suffering from a second episode of severe depression, PTSD & more recently a diagnosis of aspergers. He tells me he loves me but just doesn’t want sex, he has no interest in it. I understand his mental health can affect this & I don’t want to sound selfish but it’s becoming a big issue for me. He will give me kiss in the morning & at night but I’m not sure now if this is a learnt behaviour or just something he does as a routine. We talk about it & have been to a counsellor. He says he provides for me, which he does & he is a great dad but there is no fun or desire. Am I being selfish & should I stop moaning?

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Hi Christine, thank you for sharing your story. No, you are not being selfish! If you are communicating your needs in a respectful way and you have empathy for your husband whose wants or needs may differ from yours, you are absolutely correct in expressing your concerns. Mental health conditions such as depression can affect both sexual desire and performance. Medications commonly prescribed for these health issues can also impact sexual performance. If he hasn’t done so already, I’d encourage your husband to consult with his physician to make sure there aren’t other issues at play. Kudos to you for being courageous enough to communicate your needs in the relationship! Kim

  • Hira Mehmood says:

    My name is hira I’m 23 yr old & my husband is also 23 .inact 4 month younger than me.1.5 year spend we together.. n still we have not sex. In starting days he tried 3-4 times but not successful.then he said “I have not interested..we are young .. I tried each n everything to look more sexy in bed … but he even not give me single look.he even not kiss me … we sleep together but I can’t touch him.. when I touch him he got angry … this depression make me mad… plz help me what to do plz

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Hira, I am so sorry you are going through this. Most 23 year old newly married men would be thrilled to have their wives desire them sexually. The fact that your husband does not, tells me something more is going on. I don’t have enough information here to know what that something might be. If he was willing, I’d definitely recommend he consult with a physician to check for any physical ailments such as low testosterone. Pornography use is another issue that can impact sexual desire and performance. And there are other things as well that could be at play Please call my offices and consider working with one of my coaches on this. He or she can help you identify some of the common causes but also help come up with a plan of action to improve your marriage. Warmly, Kim

  • Heather allen says:

    I’ve been with my partner 14 weeks it went from 3 times mad passionate sex everyday to suddenly twice in a week me face ing other way quicke he says he’s just tired but I work as hard as him but I totally ache for him. . I’m not sleepng with the stress of it I feel unsexy fat unloved yet we constantly cuddel plz help my heart is breaking x

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Hi Heather, thanks for reaching out on such a sensitive topic. As you might guess sex is one the topics that cause many couples to seek relationship guidance from an experienced counselor or coach. And frequency of sex is a biggie. You can find all sorts of articles about what is “average” or “normal” but here’s the thing, the average doesn’t matter in your relationship. What matters is that whatever the frequency, it meets both of your needs. Now I will tell you, if you walked into my office, I would want to explore not only the significant change in frequency, but also how you view sex and the impact it has on how you value your self. If you would like to get started on this work, I encourage you to call my offices and ask for a free consultation. Warmly, Kim

  • Mike says:

    so my issue – GOD please someone advise me – I have been with my bride 30 years since I was 18 – I love her – she is my best friend – but truth,,,, no attraction to her any more – i met her when she was 5’4″ 105 , when we got married she was 5’4″ 125 now she is 5’4″ 210 pounds she no longer takes care of herself and is perfectly fine playing candy crush – I ask her to hike with me – I ask her to workout with me – i cook good dinners for her but she will go for the chips and dip and not the baked chicken and peppers, she get ZERO exercise. I know people will say she may have some emotional issue but that is not what this comment is about

    I go to the gym 6 days a week hike on the weekends and objectively very very fit – I am not tooting my own horn but facts are in fact,,,, facts…… how do I marry my heart with my body – how do I convince my body that I want to make love to her when in truth everything physically drives to the “fitness” look. I look at her and feel soooo in love but crawl into bed and have to put myself in another place just to get past the physical – its not superficial its evolutionary

    Please help

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Mike, Thank you for this, for your raw honesty. Our spouse’s weight is one of those issues that no one wants to talk about! The idea of even hinting to your spouse that you are less physically attracted him/her at their current weight, makes most people cringe. In my office I see it regularly. Sex and weight are two of the hot topics that garner this response and I often hear my client say their spouse can’t or won’t hear them. Keeping it real though, the vast majority of the time, the real underlying reason we don’t want to talk about it is our own fear. Specifically, we’re protecting ourselves from the anxiety the conversation would cause. We love our spouse and we are worried about her reaction and the consequences. And so we avoid going there and end up in the situation you find yourself in now. Here’s the thing, when you don’t tell her, you are denying her the chance to know the full you better and yourself the chance for a deeper more authentic relationship with the woman you love. How fair is that? And over the years, this level of dishonesty or withholding your true feelings will tear away at the foundation of your marriage. Mike, I can tell you sincerely love your wife (at any weight) and commend you for being willing to step up and admit how you feel. And know you are not alone. There are lots of you out there – men and women – who are struggling with a similar kind of dilemma. Your post was timely for me as this topic has been on my heart and mind for a while now and I actually have two posts ready to go live over the next few weeks that address this issue of honesty in a relationship in more detail. I’ve got another one in the works still that addresses weight specifically. Mike, if you haven’t done so already, please consider reaching out to my office and arranging for a free consult with one of my coaches. This is just the kind of guidance a coach can provide you with as you brave the potentially choppy waters of being fully honest with your spouse. I’d love to hear from you again and know how it’s going! Warmly, Kim

  • Mike says:

    Something you may also want to discuss – I have had this exact discussion with my niece and her fiance

    there are 10 VOWS to a marriage

    Good Times
    Bad Times
    Forsaking all others

    the issue MOST people have is there belief that the vows are used as a jail sentence rather than a litmus to evaluate the relationship

    the ones in particular I focus on are the one that most over look – Richer – Health – goodtimes

    we will all be Sick, there WILL be bad times – we will all most likely be poor at one time or another –

    1. so its important to be Healthy(the person you are with has dedicated their lives to you) its not fair to be unhealthy your entire life when you could be healthy – put down the ice cream have a salad and go for a run(look your best – you owe to him/her)

    2. Don’t waste money – financial stress will kill a relationship quickly so attempt to be rich not poor

    3. Better have good times and always try to make them happen BECAUSE YEP – bad TIME WILL HAPPEN

    who wants to go through worse time and worsen times, who wants to go through unhealthy and sicks time only, who want to go through poor and poorer time when it could have been avoided

    Now LOVE – HONOR and CHERISH – Basically it come down putting you spouse first in everything – never criticize them in front of other people – do you show you are Cherishing them by your actions – are you really loving them and forgiving them when they mess up – because EVERYONE messes up

    Infidelity WILL HAPPEN if you are not giving your best effort for the top 9 – does it matter if he/she cheats when you don’t love honor and cherish them anyway

    I would say the positive VOWS are the most important and they WILL help you to avoid the negative vows easily

  • Nohope says:

    I am quite surprised that your article only mentioned one mental health issue (depression). There are many other mental health issues that keep men from initiating sex with their wives. In my case I was raised in a violent alcoholic home (dad) and emotionally incested by my mother. She made it clear that sex was unpleasant and undesired for/by women, and was only a duty wives have to perform for their husbands. She also revealed that the reason I am so much younger than my siblings is because they didn’t want any more children, but that my dad raped her one night when drunk and since abortion was illegal back then, they had to have me. I was repeatedly shamed throughout elementary and high school as I have what is known as a “micro-penis”, and there was no treatment for it back then. The one time in my life I every showed interest in a girl was in high school, but she immediately went up and down the halls yelling out that I asked her out and so I was forced to leave by the laughter of dozens of my peers. I never dated until my 30’s when my now wife asked me out. She initiated and decided pretty much everything in our dating and subsequent marriage life, including relations. After 3 years she said that she was tired of initiating, had experienced no pleasure in any of our previous sexual relations, felt “used”, and that if I ever wanted sex with her again I had to initiate. That was 20 (sexless) years ago. We have settled into a “roommates” existence, and despite many years of various forms of counselling I’ve been unable to overcome my fear of intimacy, fear of rejection and other attachment disorder related issues. There is an old joke that “men marry thinking their wives won’t change, and women marry thinking their husbands will change – and both are wrong”. My sad life is proof that it is true.

  • April says:

    I have been married for 15 years now. When we got married I had 2 boys and he had a little girl and we had our daughter 1 year later. I will admit when the kids where young sex I did not have the Energy for my husband’s sex drive now that the kids are older I wish I could go back and say yes every time he asked. Now we only have sex when he is in the mood, if I do initiate sex I am normal left Unsatisfied and don’t say no thing so he will want to have sex again. Sometimes I am so Frustrating I show it. He has said after years of me saying no, he just got tide of bagging. I have apologize so many times I have lost count. We are in a bad place right. We have been to counseling with 2 different counselor never getting to the root. He says we have so much baggage we can not just start counseling and make it better. He says He love me and sometimes he wants me and I say something that makes he not want me anymore. I try not to say anything so maybe he will want to have sex, but I am a talker. I can’t just talk about news, children, family, work etc. which are all safe topics, when my heart ache for his touch or some kind Intimate connection from him. I love him and only want him but I can’t take feeling like this. I try to talk to him about my feeling and he turns it around. Stating I delt with it when you did it to me. I can not make up for the past and feel I should not be Punish for the pass. I feel like there is no hope. I have moved out our room to save myself from feeling rejected or feeling used when he wants sex and I just have to be ready and take what he gives me. It makes me feel bad but he says how do you think I felt. Again I can change the past. He wants us to go back to counseling but I don’t know if it will even help. He feels we have a lot of anger and hurt to work through and maybe we do but having a sexless married while we talk to a counselor about years of what I did wrong does not sound helpful. I don’t even know if we go he will want to have sex or will it just get worse. I know this was long, but I am at my wits in. I love him and want to be with him but I can make up for the past or even promise I will not talk about none safe topics.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      April, It’s clear you want this marriage so I’m with your husband on one piece of this – go back to counseling and get the assistance you need to address the underlying issues in your relationship. Find a counselor or coach who truly specializes in relationships (as in 75% or more of their caseload is couples) as you need someone who truly understands the dynamics of working with a couple. If you’d like to work with one of my coaches or counselors, please call my offices and we can arrange for a free consultation. Wishing you better days ahead, Kim

  • John says:

    Men should never initiate sex with a woman. She’s likely to accuse you of rape later even if it was consensual. And if you’re married, she will use sex to manipulate you. She’ll call you an animal and tell you that sex is all you ever think about. It’s a guarantee; all wives do this. So take that weapon right out of her hands. Do not initiate sex, ever. And when she complains about the lack of sex, it will be her fault for not initiating. Let her know you’re on to her game and you won’t be playing. If she leaves you over this, thank your lucky stars and know that you’ve dodged a bullet.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      John, Sex should never be used as a weapon. Do some women use it as such? Of course. As do some men. It still doesn’t make it right. You, however, are perpetuating a false narrative. Admittedly, you have a right to your opinion and perspective, but it certainly doesn’t make it factual. Even without all my exerience and research in the field, my own personal story negates your statement that “All wives do this”. They don’t. I certainly don’t and there are countless others of us who don’t either. I would assume you’ve had one or more really bad experiences in relationships which have helped shape your cynical view of women and sex. I am sorry for that. I hope you find healing and can experience all the good a healthy relationship can be. Warmly, Kim

  • Ann says:

    I met my boyfriend when I was 19, he was 23. We were friends that fancied each other, but both too shy to make the next move. Three years later he did. He told me I was his dream woman constantly. The sex was several times a day, he had a high sex drive and I didn’t mind! We had also become best friends. We were perfect. Six months into the relationship I moved in and the sex continued to be great for another year, we both initiated equally.

    Suddenly the sex stopped. Not just the sex, the kissing, the touching. He started wearing clothes to bed also to prevent it from happening. It became twice a year, I always initiated. He’s not into porn, I suggested porn to get him back in the mood! He actually still enjoyed sex though never initiated. 9 years passed and nothing changed, I often confronted him about the lack of it. His excuses were, he didn’t like his body, something subconsciously was putting him off it, he just had no want to do it but loved me more than anything regardless. 6 months ago he left me, his reason was the lack of intimacy and this is not how a relationship should be. I said just have sex with me then! I haven’t physically changed, gained weight, stopped caring about myself. He refused to go to counselling. I thought I was a minority in this position. I’m glad to read I’m not. I am desperate to get him back but he says we haven’t been in a relationship for so many years, we have just been living as housemates and nothing will change. I’ve lost my best friend.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Hi Ann, I imagine the shock from going to lots of sex to none in the relationship was pretty devasting. When the sex stops abruptly like this, there is definitely more to the story than he is letting on or that you can convey here in the comments. If you’d like to talk to one of my coaches who can walk thru this with you and offer you support and guidance, please call us. 972-441-4432. Warmly, Kim.

  • Sadwoman says:

    I’ve been with my Husband for 12 years and we have been married for 5 years. Over the last 6 years we have been having sex less and less with it being only about once a month if I initiate. We want to have children and have been trying for almost two years, the “trying” part is incredibly emotionally stressful as we have to have sex for a few days once a month. I’m having to beg, plead or blackmail my husband into having sex even a couple of times in my fertile period because he is just not interested. Other times out of that he never initiates. I’ve tried initiating out of my fertile period also and he isn’t particularly interested and I feel like i’m forcing him. He doesn’t have much of a sex drive anymore and he says he is too tired and doesn’t feel he needs it but I do. He says he doesn’t masturbate or watch porn and I do believe him. I however need sex not only for our marriage and intimacy, to feel loved and beautiful but also as a human function. I’m now having to watch porn or read erotica or fantasize to have my needs met but it is unfulfilling without my husband. I love him a lot and we have gone through so much together, we have stressful jobs as doctors, have travelled extensively but the lack of sex is affecting our relationship. I don’t want to leave him as I feel I’m not getting too old to start again and I desperately want children and he will be an amazing father. But I feel lonely, unloved, sad and trapped. The sex problem and lack of intimacy in our marriage is spilling over into our lives also and I think he could be depressed but refuses to acknowledge it – we are fighting and arguing more, the house and place is a mess, he has no organisational skills now and hasn’t done his tax return for over 5 years, I have to take care of all the finances in the house as well as think about our meals or he just goes to macdonalds for every meal. He no longer exercises and we have both started to let ourselves go. I can’t live like this anymore, I feel anxious whenever I come home and see my husbands mess (he is a little bit of a hoarder) absolutely everywhere that I trip over things and have no where to even sit in the house. He becomes angry if I move things. he is easily irritable. There’s no point in talking about it as sometimes he is very understanding and apologetic and says he will fix things and we will be better then he comes home and sits infront of the couch (a small space for one that he makes surrounded by his clothes, gadgets and papers) and doesn’t do anything. Then he falls asleep on the couch with all the lights on in a bad position and yells at me when I have to wake up to go and wake him up and drag him to bed at 2 or 3am, he is never tired when I want to go to bed at 12 or 1am. I’ve given up trying to talk to him as sometimes he will be very annoyed and irritated and say I’m nagging him. I feel desperate and trapped as I don’t know what to do as I really don’t like living like this. It is affecting my mental and physical health and happiness. He has lots of work friends that he hangs out with all the time and prioritises that over any quality time together as a couple or trying to get any intimacy.
    I am starting to develop crushes outside the marriage although I stay away and never act on it I’m starting to fantasize about seeking sex outside the marriage now as it’s been over 5 years of this with my husband whom I dearly still love. I’m 31 now so I really want children but I’m scared about what children will do to our marriage also.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Sadwoman, thank you for sharing your story. Your husband is behaving badly and likely will continue to do so unless he has a reason to change. Right now he doesn’t because he’s content. There may very well be some depression at play as well. You are the one that is most unhappy with the relationship so you are the one that will have to do the work to change the relationship, in the beginning at least. One of my coaches could work with you on a strategy. If you would like to do a free consult with a coach, I hope you’ll reach out to us. Kindly, Kim

  • Cindy says:

    I’m so glad I’m not alone. I’ve been married for 35 years, for the last 18 no sex. I thought it was because I was overweight. I lost 90 pounds, still no sex, no intimacy. Kissed foreheads. He spent more time with his best friend drinking on our porch. The best friend’s wife left stupid me stayed because of the kids. Now I’m 58 and want out so bad I can taste it. He wants to try counseling again. It didn’t really work the last time. He didn’t change I changed. I’m not changing anymore. I’ve talked to my children. I can’t stay his roommate, unpaid maid and secretary. Now what? He thinks this is all my fault!

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Cindy, it sounds like you’ve put up with a lot over the years and with that, perpetuated it. When you express your needs respectfully and you set boundaries and your spouse still doesn’t budge, then it does come time to consider an ultimatum. They are the last resort ‘I can’t live like this and won’t. X has to change or I can’t stay in the relationship’ moment. It’s not surprising that your husband is angry and reactive and wants to blame you. Whether you decide to stay in the relationship or not, I do encourage you to make sure you’ve fully evaluated and explore all of your options before you make a permanent decision. If he is willing to seek counseling, I would encourage it. Afterall, you have 35 years invested in the relationship and change is possible when the committment to do so is there. Working with a counselor or coach experienced in this kind of situation – one whose caseload is 80% or more couples – would be advisable. Wishing the best for you, Kim

  • Ashley says:

    Im 23 and my husband is 24. We just had our 3 year anniversary. In the 6 years we knew each other before we got together my husband was always a very affectionate person and only had eyes for me. So of course it was a shock to me that shortly after we got married he hardly ever touches me. I feel like i have to beg for affection and sex. None of my tricks seem to work. Knowing glances, shoulder rubs, whispers in his ear… he’s either oblivious to them or outright rejects me. I am a very sexual person and sex has always been a big part of my past relationships. I consider myself attractive and desirable… Usually turning a man on is fairly easy for me and in past relationships I found myself saying “eh I don’t feel like it today” more so than my partners… but with my husband it’s completely the opposite. I’ve tried to talk about this to him but it gets me no where. I cannot discern what’s wrong with us. We only have sex maybe once a month… which is no where near enough for me and I know it’s not normal for people our age… I don’t know what changed. I feel like I’m missing out on so many sexual experiences because of this. I want us to enjoy our 20s before we have children and get older… but I’m at a loss of what to do…

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Hi Ashley, thank you for your comment. Statistically, one or more of the 8 “reasons” I listed are the most likely explanations for your husband’s lack of interest in sex. Many men are hesitant to want to talk about it. The biggest issue right now though is the resentment that will continue to build in you if you don’t address the issue. I can tell the lack of sex is important to you so do something more about it. Suggest counseling. If we he won’t go, go alone. But definitey don’t let it sit. Resentment will fester and create a larger wound in the relationship. Wishing you the best Ashley! Kim

  • JB says:

    One reason I do not often see discussed, and in my case is the only factor at hand, is that the husband simply becomes tired of constant rejection and then subconsciously rules his wife out as a playmate at some point. I had always been the HL in our relationship from the start, and while we never had what I would call a great sex life, it was tolerable and I didn’t feel like a depressed mess. But post kids, my libido went up, and conversely hers went way down. Most of the time it was nonverbal rejection, ignoring my advances, not in the mood, tummy ache, ate too much at dinner, touched out from the kids, whatever (i.e. spin the excuse wheel). Does it really matter the reason? The only reason I saw was that she didn’t want to. Ok, fine. But after 5+ years of agonizing and internalizing, I decided I didn’t want to experience that pain any longer and in a sense I feel that she rewired my brain over time to simply not want her sexually anymore. I refused to be the dog waiting at his food bowl to be fed once a month.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      JB, Your comment is timely. The blogs I’ve written on the topic of differences in sexual desire have created quite the storm of comments and questions. I get where you are coming from on this and I’ve seen it often. It is not, and I think you will agree with me, the recipe for more sex or better sex, but it is a typical response from a higher desire spouse who is frustrated and pulling in to avoid the pain. Desire differences exist in almost every relationship. The real issue comes from how the frustrated spouse (either the one that wants more or less…believe it or not, both get frustrated) personalizes it. The lack of sex makes you feel rejected and over time, the resentment sets in. The solution is being able to talk about it without either of you reacting and discharging on the other. I call it getting curious not furious about the other’s perspective. Feelings change and yours can too if you are willing to have open and honest dialogue. I’m not going to kid you though – it’s a sensative topic and often best addressed with the assistance of a therapist or a coach accustomed to helping couples work through this issue. I’m also working on a multi-part series will address how to heal and resolve these differences. Stay tuned. Kim

  • Christina says:

    I’ve been with my husband for 18 years, 16married. I was a virgin when we started dating, but he was somewhat experienced. He would always dry hump my legs and pressure me for sex before we had it. Once we had it however, he was no longer interested. I’ve initiated every sexual encounter between us since before we got married and was rejected almost every time. It wasn’t just rejection though, it was the way he rejected me, like how dare I even think to ask him for sex! I have absolutely no self esteem and I now think about cheating all the time. I have been faithful and he is still the only one I’ve ever been with, but our marriage has been completely sexless for a year now. I’ve tried talking to him about this, I’ve tried to get him to see a doctor, but he just yells and swears and tells me all I care about is sex. Well, he’s finally getting his way because I no longer want him and I’ll be getting away from him as soon as possible.

  • Jean says:

    I’m trying to come to terms with this myself. I’ve been married for 21 years. First marriage for both of us – we met in our late 20s and are now both 50. Both of our sex drives seemed about ‘normal’, 2-4 times a week (more when we were both younger and just starting out). I’ve always been heavy, so he knew what he was getting into from the start but I did gain a bit more during my pregnancy and through the years. I did have bariatric surgery almost 4 years ago and am smaller than before we met now. Problem is, it seemed that after the surgery sex became less and less frequent (not my decision). He had always wanted me to lose the weight but once I got down, things dwindled. We have had sex once in the past 2 years. I routinely try to initiate things but he is always ‘tired’ or ‘just don’t feel like it anymore’. I try to be patient. He does work hard (a lot of stress there… so I understand why that might play a factor) and I don’t constantly nag him. It’s come down to me ‘trying’ with him maybe once a month – thinking that maybe THAT would be acceptable to him but it always ends in a ‘no’. I’ve tried talking to him about how I feel, about how HE feels. He has no physical problems in that department – seems to be able to masturbate regularly(weekly). He just doesn’t want me – or that how I’ve come to feel. I try, I try to look my best, look ‘pretty’ for him. Try to help him relax after work, become his ‘sounding board’ when he wants to unload all the frustration of work off his mind. I listen. I try. And when I do try to bring up how I feel – like how every time he pushes me away I feel that rejection, the hurt. Like when we have had sex, I felt so damned awkward. Like a fool because it was just, I don’t know how to put it – I just felt foolish, like we were strangers at that point. I love him dearly. He is a wonderful man, provider, friend, father to our son, funny, smarter than anyone I know… but even though we spend so much time together doing things (when he isn’t working), I still feel so alone. There just isn’t any intimacy anymore. I feel like I’m almost forcing myself on him sometimes. Like a fool. When I have tried talking about things – he always finds some way of turning back on me though, like I’m not available when HE wants it – I’ve tried everything, from morning, right after he comes home, after dinner, early evening, before bed. Always the same outcome. “No, Don’t feel like it. Not tonight. I’m tired. I want to go to sleep”… I doubt highly that he is having an affair – I know when he is at work and when he isn’t he is home. No time in the day to sneak that in lol, and even when he is at work he is always messaging me on his computer (so its not like we aren’t still the best of friends because we are). I’ve asked him to talk to his doctor to see if there was anything physical but I think he might be embarrassed to (he is a very private person outside of a our family and a few close friends). Sometimes I think I’m taking the brunt of all the garbage that he has to deal with at his job – and coming out on the losing end of things because of the stress. So here I am reading other people’s stories and suggestions on how to fix this. I know we have a good relationship – but it honestly feels like a friendship at this point. Which is fine but I miss the intimacy. I guess it makes me feel a tiny bit better knowing that I’m not the only wife who yearns for a husband that just won’t meet her half way with the sex part of the marriage. Phew. Feels good to get that off my chest!! I haven’t been able to talk to anyone about this until right now. Thank you.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Hi Jean, Thank you for sharing your story. There are so many – both men and women – struggling with differences in sexual desire. Please stay tuned as I’m working on a more in-depth series that will address some of the issues you and others have mentioned. Warmly, Kim

  • StrugglingWife&Mommy says:

    I have been married for 5 years and my husband and I have a 22 month old son and a baby girl due in a few weeks. He’s a a very busy man who works 3rf shift and we also have a small crop farm. Things have been stressful and we have fought more lately. I alsways thought that we could always work through anything together especially since I knew in my heart how much I love him and I thought he felt the same way. About a month and a half ago we got into an argument and he said he didn’t want to do this anymore. He says that all I do is complain and nag at him and tell him he does nothing. He says that for the past year or so he has been unhappy and has been shutting down. That he finds it hard to even come home and doesn’t want to be in around. He says he doesn’t know if ya being together makes him happy anymore. He claims he loves me and always will but it feels like it’s more of a live because we have history and kids not like the love I use to feel from him. I use to work up until we had our first child then became a stay at home mom. That was a really hard transition for me and with all the added stress and difficulty of being a new mom. I could vent about the petty stuff he did to the people I worked with and could just let it go before going home to make dinner and spending time with him. Now I talk and vent too much to him and he has taken it all to heart and let it break him down when I never was trying to do that at all. He thinks I don’t appreciate anything he does. I never thought he felt this way. I thought by doing his laundry, cooking, cleaning, caring for our son and everything in the home and spending as much time with him as I could when he was actually home and having sex often showed that I cared, respected, loved and appreciated him. Now he is so distant and is only sticking around/living at home until our baby is born and things settle now (his words).
    Then he plans to live with a buddy for awhile so he can think and collect his thoughts and figure out what he wants in life. I so very badly want to make our marriage better and have been putting great effort in changing how I talk to him and showing him the positive things and trying to get him to see we are so much better together than apart. He thinks he makes me unhappy and that someone else could treat me better and make me happier than he could because he’s not always a nice man (his words). I don’t feel that way at all I mean sure maybe someone could treat me better but if I know I wouldn’t feel love for that person like the love I feel for my husband. He is everything to me. I could never imagine life without him as my husband or lover. He makes me feel things that can’t evrn be explained. That all being said he’s pretty much cut sex out of our relationship because he says he doesn’t want that to be the reason we stay together. I’m having difficulty with this. Sex is something I need and also find extremely hard to avoid because of the way he makes me feel. I also know he is self pressuring which makes it even harder on me because I’m going completely without and would give anything to get back into bed with him and to have him let us work on our relationship and make things better. What do I do? My husband doesn’t know if being with me makes him happy anymore and has shut down. He says he does want this to end with devotes because he doesn’t want to loose the kids or the farm. I just wish he could try to not be so depressed and try to give us another chance. Any advice? I’m desperate!!

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Dear Struggling Wife & Mommy, It sounds to me like your husband is shielding and protecting himself from the pain and hurt he feels. Sex is an intimate reminder of what he’s giving up and thus he’s avoiding it. To fix the sex issue, you’re going to first need to address the issues outside of the bedroom that caused you both to get to this place in your marriage. Since it doesn’t sound like he’s willing to do that presently, you need to be decide if you are willing to do the hard work required to rescue your marriage alone for now, until hopefully, one day he’s willing to join you on the mission. This is the kind of work my coaches most often do with their clients. If you would like a free consultation to talk to one of my coaches and see how they can help you, please call us. Warmly, Kim.

  • Jamie says:

    I got married on March 25th 2018, me and my husband have had sex maybe 4 times. He tells me it’s because he is very tired from work or his meds make it to where he dont want sex. I am a very sexual person and I have tried to talk to him about how I feel and he just blows it off. My husband wants oral pleasure but wants to give nothing in return. He also rather play with himself because before we met he was playing with himself on a daily basis watching porn. Now I feel that is all he wants to do and for me that’s not going to work. I’m lost on this because he also tells me he is highly sexually attracted to me, but if that’s the case why not want sex with me why play with yourself?? I’m confused and lost.. any advice please!!

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Hi Jamie, the situation you describe in your marriage is all too common when porn is involved. Porn is a sensitive topic and a very slippery slope. It’s become the norm for many and Hollywood and the media have perpetuated the storyline that it’s harmless and that it adds spice to your sex life. That is exactly the opposite of what I’ve seen. I see the damage it does to a couple’s sex life. Porn is addictive and it literally can change your brain, sometimes making sex with a real person not exciting enough which is tragic for the spouse. The good news is that there is recovery. It takes a lot of discipline but the damage porn does can be healed over time. I encourage you to fight for your marriage! I have a specialist on my team here that works with clients and couples who struggle with pornography and sexual addiction. Please consider giving us a call to set up a consultation. Kim

  • born again virgin says:

    I have known my husband for 25+ years. We have been a couple for 9 years and married for 4 years. It is a second marriage for both of us. My husband was very sexuallly active in his younger years. We used to have sex 4-5 times a week. He got hurt at work and was in a lot of pain. Sex came to a screeching halt. It started at 4 times the first year, 3 times the second year and now its been over a year since sex. Yes, he still kisses me 2-3 times per day. Yes he gropes me several times a week. He tells me how much he loves me every day. I have spoken to him about the lack of sex. I try to be aware of his feelings and don’t want him to feel emasculated. He deflects every conversation, makes jokes and just tells me it has nothing to do with me. Frequently he tells me I am “in trouble tonight” insinuating sex but it never happens. I feel so confused, rejected, inadequate and depressed. I am frustrated, embarrassed, hurt and angry. I feel like a complete fool believing him every time he insinuates that sex is a possibility only to be rejected again. I keep telling myself I will stop propositioning him for sex but can’t seem to be able to stop myself. Yes I feel inadequate. I am starting to feel bitter, angry and resentful of the situation. He did see a doctor, normal T levels. He never followed up. Am I overweight? Yes, but I was when we married. We both are. I have tried so many things to try to rekindle this romance….simple things like suggesting a walk on the beach or anything to spend time together. He never wants to. He always says he is too tired. I am at a loss. I love this man very much but my needs aren’t even close to being met either.

  • Gem says:

    We have been married for nearly 10 years and together for over 15. We have 3 children, (14, 7,5). Our love life is a waste of time! We rarely have sex or any kind of intimacy. I have attempted every tactic to get him to change or show some affection/attention from having a heart to heart with him, being angry, being upset, trying to forget, suggesting counselling, he’s had docs test- all clear. I’m am so fed up, this has been going on for many years now. For a while I didn’t say anything but eventually I did. Now everytime I feel I need something from him and don’t get it, I just get ratty and awkward (can’t help it!) The most I get is a peck on the forehead as he leaves for work. What gets to me the most is, when I make it clear I’m hoping for something to happen and he’s fully aware and still does nothing about it. Eventually we’ll have an argument and he’ll say – well you haven’t made an effort- I have been rejected so many times I actually can’t bring myself to initiate anymore. But as I pointed out at the beginning of the week, it would be nice for him to initiate and act like he actually wants it, not just to keep me happy…. he kinda agreed but guess what, I’m still waiting. That was 5 days ago! It’s pretty much a viscous circle now but I have made it clear I will not live like this forever. Generally in most other ways we get in fine. He thinks we’re a happy family. I just don’t know where to go from here. We’re both in our 30’s and I feel I have wasted enough time and tears on this already. When it comes up- probably once a month when I can no longer keep my feelings to myself, he agrees to make more of an effort in every sense, it never ever changes. I’m just sad as I think if it wasn’t for this we would have a good marriage. I’m fed up of feeling unwanted and unloved all the time. It affects my sleep which in turn makes me more miserable. I don’t know what to do. He’s not having an affair, or any other reason. He says he’s tired or isn’t it a bit late at this hour… rubbish excuses. I do believe he loves me, and he loves us having a family. This is what makes it harder for me to do anything about it.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Gem, it sounds likes you’ve tried a lot of different approaches to communicate your needs without the desired outcome. Relationships always require compromise but only the two of you are in a position to decide what you are and aren’t willing to do for the other and for the benefit of your marriage. Healthy boundaries and ultimatums are something I’ve discussed on my blog and are topics that routinely come up with both counseling and coaching clients. Knowing how and when to use them is the key and we can help you with that. Left as it is with nothing changed, only you can decide if a sexless marriage that other wise is a “good marriage” is good enough. Warmly, Kim

    • Jenn says:

      Hello I am also going through the same problem we have been together a total of 9 years but married 5 but I currently am trying to separate from my husband because i cannot take it any more and i am curious to know what ever happened after all are you guys still together?

  • Dontwantrofeelthisway says:

    Hi. This post I just stumbled upon tonight and I don’t know how to feel. My self proclaimed “raging, horney” husband of 14 years has lost all interest in sex. He used to be affectionate but not in a long time. We had a healthy sex life. Actually, more than most married or single couples. But he is distant. He says “we’re not 19, we don’t need to be up each other’s butts”. We fight regularly. It gets ugly. He says mean things and the next day I’m supposed to forget what he said and move along like nothing happened. He put me on a pedestal and jerked it away some years back. Those things I can live with but this sex issue I can’t. We have 4 children. All above 8 years of age. I don’t understand. Tonight for example he passed out on the couch as that is where he sleeps most nights. I’m at a loss. He says he isn’t cheating but is a proven liar. He is a drunk. Honestly, I don’t know how much more I can take. This is a man who went out of his way researching different ways to please me because I didn’t know at one time if I would be able to have sex again. Luckily I was able. Now it’s like pulling teeth. He would rather watch a sports game than do anything with me. I’m at a loss.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Dontwantrofeelthisway, Thanks for sharing your story. The most common reasons that explain a man’s loss of interest I covered in this blog. It could even be a combination of these factors combined with the alcoholism. If you haven’t done so already, I’d recommend you partner with a coach who can fully explore your situation and help you navigate how to set appropriate boundaries with your husband and begin to stand up for your needs and wants for the marriage. You can either call or email us to get the process started. Wishing more for you, Kim

  • Era says:

    I have been in a relationship with my husband for good 6 years. We married in April 2018.
    Before me, he was too much into sex and had many gfs. When we were into a relationship, he wanted to have sex but I was the one who said that let’s wait until we get married. Still we indulged in sex first time in December 2015. last year we moved together, since then I can see there is very less sex desire left in him. I crave for sex but every time I feel rejected or unwanted. Always I wonder maybe I don’t look pretty and many more reasons.

    I asked him to go for a check up but he doesn’t agree to it. I have tried initiating sex but every time he turns it down ans says that I’m forcing him and he is not in mood. HE is always on mobile and laptop but if I try to be intimate , he wants to sleep.

    He also says, I can go and satisfy my needs where ever I want. That is so mean. It’s just been six months since we married and I’m pretty frustrated now. Sometimes I want to leave the marriage. As a woman I want to be loved and embraced by my husband.

    It hurts more when you hear from your friends that how their husbands always ask for sex.

    I just love him so much that I can’t leave him but also I can’t live like this.

    I also raised a concern to him that like this how will we have children to which he responded that he doesn’t want children. After that I was shattered. I am not able to understand what to do 🙁

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Hi Era, I’m sorry to hear you are going through this, especially so early in your marriage. I would encourage you to consider working with one of our coaches who can fully explore the specifics of your relationship and provide you with customized guidance and recommendations, including how best to communicate your need for sex and children to your husband. Based on what you’ve written here though, anytime I hear high sexual activity, followed by abstinence, followed by decreased interest in sex with his partner, I automatically wonder if porn is involved – especially as you noted the amount of time your spouse spends online. If working with one of my coaches who specializes in these kinds of situations is of interest to you, please call my office 972-441-4432 and one of my office staff can help you get scheduled to talk with a coach via phone or video chat. Wishing you happier days ahead. Warmly, Kim

  • Lori says:

    My husband & I have been married for 5 1/2 yrs now. This is not a 1st marriage for either of us. I am in my late 50’s, he’s 60. He has had absolutely NO interest in sex or intimacy since a few months after our marriage. He does suffer from ED (which I did not know when we married). He went to a Urologist who said his T levels were low, so the Dr put him on medication to raise it. His level finally reached the normal range, but nothing changed. In the meantime he was prescribed several different meds, (Including an injectable for the penis, it worked only the 1st time), nothing else worked. I suggested that he order a pump, which he did, it worked just ok the 1st time, it did NOT work the 2nd time – after which he refused to try it anymore. His stance is, “If I can’t enjoy sex, then why should you? It is what it is, deal with it or leave!”
    He refuses to discuss it anymore or return to the Dr. He got married to his 1st wife very young, after she cheated on him several times, they divorced. He was single for almost 20 yrs & NEVER dated since he was hurt so badly. He has stated “I guess it’s true what they say, USE IT OR LOSE IT, apparently I have lost it”. I truly love him & don’t want to end our marriage & start over. We are really best friends, or should I say roommates? We enjoy each others company & enjoy the same things, in a sisterly/brotherly way. Everything is fine until I bring up my need for intimacy, which he says, “not happening, take it or leave it!” I feel so rejected, unwanted & unloved! He refuses ANY kind of physical contact, I’m assuming because he’s afraid it will lead to “other” expectations -he can’t & doesn’t want to try to fulfill. I am tired of being the maid, cook, roommate, etc. (Neither of us have a problem with pornography or infidelity). We tried counseling shortly after we were married, the Counselor told him he was married still living like he was single. He left furious & said he would never go again. I do believe he loves me in his own way, but is very uncomfortable/unwilling to show it, (he does not give any kind of compliments or affection). How do I remain happy & secure in a marriage where my husband does not care about my needs or feelings? I don’t even know how to talk to him about any of this anymore, because when I do, he just shuts down.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Lori, Thanks for sharing your story. It sounds like you have some tough decisions to make, including whether you are willing to stay in the marriage if he doesn’t change a thing. And it’s possible that he won’t. Some people refuse to change. But a relationship is made of up two and when one of the two makes changes, it impacts the relationship and therefore changes it for the other spouse too. If you are tired of the way things are now, let’s look at what YOU can control and how you can effect meaningful changes in the relationship. My suggestion to you is to work with a therapist or coach who can help you envision the relationship you want and customize a plan on how to achieve it. Feel free to email or call us to get started. Kim

  • Andrea says:

    I’m completely lost and have no clue what to do.

    My husband is addicted to porn. This isn’t a new addiction, it’s been an issue on and off again for over 20 years. When I spoke to him this most recent time about out distinct lack of sex life (once every 3-4 months if I’m lucky for the past 2 years) this was his response.

    “I like new and exciting and you know that. I don’t like the same thing all the time. You’re not as fun in bed as you used to be, besides it’s not like I’m finding another woman.”

    Here’s what I feel like he said, “your old and boring and I’m not interested or attracted to you at all anymore.”

    Now, I’m having some health issues that have prevented me from being able to be as “fun” as I used to be, but here’s the real problem for me; I feel rejected and inadequate. I feel like he’s not just not attracted but repulsed by me. How am I supposed to be “fun” when this is how he makes me feel?

    I tried to tell him if we had sex on a mow regular basis I would feel more attractive and confident and be more willing to go outside my comfort zone with him. I got no response.

    What, if anything can I do at this point? Or should i just accept the fact that I’m doomed to a sexless marriage and it’s all my fault?

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Andrea, The choice is yours as to whether you accept this behavior from your spouse…or you don’t. Pornography is seen as rather harmless in many circles but I’m here to tell you it’s NOT. It literally cripples the sexual realationship of so many couples making it’s victims unable to enjoy “real” sex and setting unrealistic expectations for real relationships. It’s a travesty. You’ll have to decide what you will or won’t tolerate in your marriage but we can help guide you on the path that you choose. And, if you husband decides he wants to free himself of his porn addiction, we have an incredible resource for that as well who can help him do just that.

  • M. York says:

    I have been so frustrated by this in our marriage for so many years. My husband has had low testosterone all along and we didn’t know it. He has had this problem since we were married in our early 20’s. It deeply affected me. I cried myself to sleep all the time. I would try to initiate intimacy and he would fall asleep or gently reject me by simply rolling over and and letting me know that he wasn’t interested. He made lots of empty promises to have sex “tomorrow night”, which seldom ever happened.

    To this day (after 34 years of marriage) he is still only interested in sex about once a month or once every two months, which means only about 8-12 times a year! When I was pregnant with each of our 3 children (which was a miracle in itself that I even got pregnant) he refused to have sex with me while I was pregnant, saying that it made him uncomfortable. That really disappointed me. He made it sound like he was doing me a favor. However, it was very SELFISH on his part. Because even when the doctor explained to him that he could not hurt the baby he still didn’t want to have sex while I was pregnant. Then even after the baby was born he waited until the baby was 3 months old before he would have sex with me. I’m not exactly sure why he did that. So that means that we had no sex for 1 whole year each time I was pregnant. Obviously, I never spoke to him about how this made me feel. Being brought up in a good Christian home, talking about it even to this day makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, like I am a sex addict or something because I want it more than he. It makes me feel embarrassed and ashamed of myself. But I think that the lack of sex also makes me feel insecure with myself and my own sexuality and the lack of sex makes me desire it even more to fill up my insecurities.

    We didn’t know, the whole time, that he had low testosterone. I just felt unattractive, unwanted and unloved and any other “un” word that you can think of. I felt like we were just 2 friends who lived in the same house. I worried that he was having an affair, then I worried that he was addicted to pornography and taking care of his own sexual needs. But none of my worries were true. This went on for the first 20 years or so of our marriage. During this time, he wasn’t very affectionate either. He didn’t like non-sexual touch. If I wanted a kiss, I had to kiss him. If I wanted a hug, I had to initiate the hug. But if the hug lingered too long he would gently push me away or try to teasingly say “Ok, I’m done. I’m done.” After 20 years or more of that I finally wanted out of our “loveless” marriage. When he found out that I was planning on leaving him, he was SHOCKED! He didn’t understand. He thought that things were FINE. That was my fault because I never told him how our lack of frequent sex made me feel. We talked to someone and they gave us a book on the 5 Love Languages and had us read it together. That helped me through that difficult time and my husband began to be more affectionate. But our sexual frequency stayed the same.

    By then he was in his early 40’s and went to the doctor for his regular physical exam, I “just happened” to be there when his doctor mentioned that he would check his testosterone level since my husband was in his 40’s and his sexual life had probably diminished and he asked my husband if he was correct in that assessment. And to my surprise and disbelief my husband said “NO, THINGS ARE FINE.” And I piped up and said to the doctor, “Maybe you should ask me that question!” The doctor just smiled. That was when we discovered that my husband does have low testosterone and that’s when my husband began receiving treatment for the first time.

    He tried the cream, patches, and injections and none of that seemed to help with his sexual desire! All of these failed attempts at getting help only made him anxious and started negatively affecting his performance as well. So, he tried pills (viagra) and they only helped with performance, but they don’t help with DESIRE. He got so discouraged that the treatments for his low testosterone weren’t working that he stopped all treatment about 10 years ago. I don’t know but maybe the treatments also made him he feel like a failure. So, we are back to square one with no hope in sight.

    He is now 58 with lots of problems with performance and still trouble with desire. I asked him the other day, after I read this article, whether he would consider going back to a doctor again. He started giving excuses that he had already tried EVERYTHING and none of it worked. But I reminded him that he stopped after trying injections and never went back to the doctor to tell him that he didn’t think that the injections were working. I told him that maybe the doctor could give him a stronger dosage or something. I sure hope so. Is there any hope for us?

    • Kim Bowen says:

      M York? Hope? Of course. But hope must inspire action for anything to change. So long as he’s unwilling to address the issue and you are willing to accept that (not willing to rock the boat or disrupt the relationship to create a change) certainly nothing will change. This is about unmet desire. You desire something more (sex, affection, intimacy) from the relationship than he’s presently giving you. Likewise, he’s probably got a list of of wishes and needs too. It’s about negotiating those. There are many couples who deal with ED, low desire, physical ailments…you name it….that still have a healthy sexually fulfilling relationship with each other. I’d encourage you both to think outside the box and openly discuss your needs. A trained couples therapist or coach can help you navigate this touchy (pun intended!) subject. Please call us. Kim

    • Rhodes,L says:

      I’m in the same boat! We’ve been married 32 years. The last time we had sex was 9 months ago….. the time before that 10 months. He is 56 and I’m 55….this has been going for about 16 years. I feel like I’m his sister. He gives me a peck on the forehead before he leaves for work and a peck when he gets home and one before we go to sleep! I need more and I have told him this! He doesn’t seem to care. I love our family but I’m loanely and feel like lm dying inside! Sometimes I think l would like to get out of this relationship but then i think about my grown children and l know this would make them very upset.Our therapist has suggested that he have his testosterone checked. He hasnt done anything about going to do this. She suggested this 3 weeks ago. He went to the Dr. 5 years ago because l begged him to go to see if his health was ok. He checked out fine….Dr. gave him viagera … he came home and said that they were very expensive and he wasn’t going to take them often. So it’s been 5 years and he still has 7 of the 12….which I’m sure have expired!

  • Chris says:

    I’ve been with my husband for 16 years we’ve been married going on 13 on the 20th of this month, we haven’t had sex in over 4 years 2 of which he was incarcerated, when he came home in January of this year I tried initiating sex by giving him oral but things didn’t work out as planned, and since then he has only given me oral twice, I’ve told him how I felt as if he is not attracted to me anymore, I feel abandoned, ive also recently bumped into an ex and slept with him twice….i just want to feel wanted, I feel so guilty and won’t do it again right now we are living separately until we find an apartment, I talk with him daily about how I need him, how I want him and how I crave his touch and all he says is, I’m sorry I can’t explain, I don’t know what’s going on, I need to know who should we talk to, who can help us?.

  • M Peele says:

    Honestly, I clicked on this article thinking I might get some empathy for my situation but all this article implies is if there is no sex in marriage then it is all the fault of the wife. Why don’t you call this The Male’s Place because this is nothing but a site for misogyny. I’ve been married for 34 years and for the last 10 years, I can count the number of times I’ve had sex on one hand. No, he is not having an affair. No, it’s not my attitude about sex. No, it’s not that I fear intimacy. I want sex. He doesn’t want to put effort into doing it. I guess that my fault, too! Shame on you for making women feel it’s their fault.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Wow! Mysogyny? The Male’s Place? Clever but inaccurate. This is ONE article about ONE perspective and situation. The first place I would look in your situation is if your husband is viewing porn. CHeck out http://www.fightthenewdrug.com. But it could also be the seething anger that is pouring through here that may be pushing him away. Just a thought.

      • Princessdi says:

        I kind of agree with her…most of the time the female is doing all she can to make a man happy meanwhile he sits on his butt and shows no effort esp with sex…we aren’t allowed to ask for him to show effort or it’s called “nagging” I just call it lazy bastard lol in the bed and out of the bed. Maybe we should stop “nagging” and just find someone who is more of an equal partner. I think the women that nag aren’t wrong in asking for what they want they are wrong for choosing a man who needs to be scolded like a baby 24/7 cuz he refuses to act like a grown man and loving sexual partner.

  • L. Lost says:

    so I asked him why we don’t have sex anymore, his answer was because I have health problems and I have gained a bit of weight. (I am 5’9″ and weigh 235.. wear a size 16/18.. he married me when I wore a 14/16). My health issues are my back went, had successful back surgery. Now I am suffering from feet issues and going through surgeries to fix it, I can still walk (not far, but normally), cant wear heels anymore but never really did anyway. It is heartbreaking, not only do I feel like shit because I can’t exercise and I really want to, my self endorphins are shot he has successfully finished killing off any my self esteem I may had left. I am feeling like why would I ever want him again, if he doesn’t want me when I am not so great why should I let him have anything when and if I ever get great again! The sad part is it seems like he is happy, I don’t think he is having an affair (no my head is not in the sand), we don’t sleep together, we don’t sit next to each other….so lost

    • Kim Bowen says:

      L.Lost, Thank you for being willing to talk about this topic. I’ve started more times than once writing a blog about weight and each time have talked myself out of it. Why? Because weight tends to be such a sensitive, almost taboo, topic to discuss. But it’s an important topic so I wanted to respond. Many of us have struggled with our weight, myself included, and I know first hand the number it does to our self-esteem. As a society we try to fully buy into the notion that “Looks don’t matter” and “It’s what’s on the inside that counts”. And while attractiveness is certainly more than skin deep, the reality is that physcial appearance does play a role in what EACH of sees as attractive. It’s a fact and I’m a big believer in authenticity in marriage. You cannot have real intimacy with hidden truths. If your husband is feeling this way, him staying silent doesn’t help you or your marriage. So on one hand, I want to recognize that he was willing to be admit how he is feeling (I’m assuming he did it in a clean respectful way. If not, that’s something else to be addressed). What I see too often though, are couples in your situation where one person is really unhappy about something but they stay silent out of fear of hurting their partner. I see this every day and it’s detrimental to the relationship. On the other hand sometimes what they have to share is hard to hear. It can be a gut punch, even delivered kindly. It’s especially painful when you yourself aren’t feeling great about your weight or lack of exercise either. If we let it, feedback like this can push us into toxic shame – the unproductive shame and embarrassment most of us who have struggled with weight have experienced before. My challenge to you is to decide how you are going to take his feedback and how it will empower you to make decisions about youself and your relationship going forward. Very few of us look like the way we did the day we met or got married. We grey, we gain weight, we get wrinkles. This is not about the number on the scale. It’s about feeling good about your self and each of you giving your best, both physically and emotionally, to the marriage. If something – whether it be weight, self-esteem, or anything else – is getting in the way of intimacy and closeness with your spouse I think it’s something worth discussing with a coach or counselor with experience helping individuals and couples address it. If you’d like to work with one of ours on this, I hope you’ll call us. Thank you again for your comments and for being willing to speak up on a really tough subject. I hope for better days ahead for you, Kim

  • Maggie says:

    I’m 67 my husband is 66, married for 25 years, he has ED, we have tried meds and also went to a Dr who gave him meds to inject into his penis, it worked with his erections but he ejaculated very quickly that there was no pleasure for me, it was over in seconds!
    It’s been over a year now since we had sex, I’ve tried talking to him but he just shuts down, gets angry and says he’s embarrassed.
    We have grown further apart, there is no hugging or kissing we barely talk to each other. I never knew you could be married and be so lonley.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Maggie, Thanks for sharing your personal story. You’ve described a situation that must be so emotionally painful for both you. When one or both of you shut down and avoid the problem, the problem grows and eventually seeps into every other facet of your relationship. If you desire, change you will have to make it happen. If your husband isn’t willing to discuss the issue now, take the initiative to work individually with a coach or counselor who can help you address it with your spouse in a respectful productive way. Geting past the anger, embarrassment, and frustration to deal with the tender emotions behind them is what you want. I have coaches on my team here who can help you do this. Please call or email us when you are ready to get started. Kim

  • Sonya says:

    I’m 28, my husband is 33, we have been married for 2 years. I was a virgin when I first meet my husband. We were engage for one year before marriage. My husband does not want to have sex. When we kiss or hug, I am the one asking and he just gets annoyed. He says he loves me but I can not tell anymore. He says he rather watch porn than to do anything with me. I would initiate sex but then get shut down. He would say his penis as sores or just to go away. Now when I do want some intimacy, I just lock myself in the room and cry. I love my husband so much that I am so hurt. I just do not know what to do anymore.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Sonya, I’m so so sorry. You waited to share sex with your spouse and to have him reject you is heartbreaking to hear. I hear stories like this regularly though when porn is involved. Porn is so mainstream now, so readily accessible, with very little stigma involved with it. Even some of my therapist counterparts don’t always see the harm in a “little porn”. But that has not been my experience in my practice at all. I’ve seen it erode marriages, destroy sexual intimacy, and quite frankly ruin the sexual experience for the porn user as porn use literally changes how your brain experiences sex. You can’t make someone change their habits or be willing to address an addiction like this, but you can change what you will or won’t tolerate. I would recommend talking to a coach or therapist who can help you discern your options so that you can make the best decision for your future. Warmly, Kim

  • Hopless says:

    Ivr been .arried for 23 years. To my best friend. Our children are 31, 21, 20 and 18 and all doing well. The last three just left for college so we are empty nesters and loving it. We love spending time together movies and hanging out. But our sex life sucks and im more irritated because I thought when our kids left for school it would get better.. He’s always been afraid of our kids walking in so he says. No there is no excuse, he is always home from work calls me as soon as hr gets in the car, we actually have a wonderful relationship MINUS the sex. I’m irritated and usually resentful, he blames his energy level and weight, He’s 53 and I’m 49, my drive has went through the roof. I like to talk dirty and it doesn’t affect him AT ALL. Which is embarrassing,it makes me feel unsexy. Even when I’m naked in front of him does nothing anymore. I feel like roomates in the same bed. I know he loves me that’s never been a question but he has lost the desire and blames it on pain in his limbs during sex. When I mention taking a few aleeve on the regular to help with aches and pains he says he doesn’t like to take medicine. He just went through months of a grueling pledging process if anyone knows about black greek life. And went through pain and hazing (not too bad) but he withstanded the process because it was something he wanted to do. But it makes me feel that our sex life isnt important to him because if he’s in pain as he says would try to change things. I need help because I love him so much.

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Hi Hopless, I can imagine it’s painful for you to see your husband power through the pledging process but not be willing to make the same effort in your bedroom. I can tell your relationship with your husband is important to you and it’s good that you are reaching out for help. Find a trained couples therapist that can help you both address what’s causing the disconnect. His weight and the pain he deals with in his back probably contributes, but there may also be underlying issues as well that a trained coach or therapist can uncover and help you explore. If you would like to work with us, feel free to call us. Warmly, Kim

  • Stephanie says:

    when me and my husband started dating he told me he had not had sex with anyone for 6+years now we’ve been married nearly 8 years. sex has always been and issue. the last time we discussed the sex issue he told me that he is in pain (he’s been in 4 car accidents and has lower back problems) so he told me that if i were to give him massages more often that he may feel less pain and be more willing. so i did that and it has been going on six months and we have only been intimate only a few times, so i brought it up again and then he got mad at me because he says in a relationship you should give and give and not expect to get anything out of it. its just so frustrating.

    i am n0t ok just accepting this lack of sex and intimacy in my relationship i have a a friend in a polyamorous relationship and have been toying with that as a way for my sexual need to be filled. (but honestly that sounds like a little of added drama that i’m just not into) i try to find good times to talk with him and he seems why more interested in anything with a mouse and keyboard than being intimate with me. (that being said no he is n0t watching porn or having an affair) stuff like always watching random stuff on his computer or phone talking with his friends or family etc. he doesn’t have intimate conversations with me and i have to fight for his attention from the technology that he is so in love with.

    we can’t really afford counseling since my husband is likely not going to be employed after the start of the year. i just don’t know what to do or where to even start

    • Kim Bowen says:

      Stephanie, I really like that you’ve made the effort to share with your husband how the lack of intimacy makes you feel and to look for solutions to improve it. So many time couples suffer in silence, afraid to bring up the problem for fear of making it worse. I have a number of blog posts that apply to this situation that I think you’d find helpful. But ultimately, when your finances allow, I’d encourage you to consider working with one of my coaches who are trained to help clients work through situations like this. Thanks for writing Stephanie. Kim

  • Gary says:

    I’m totally blown away by the comments below from the ladies. While I do NOT doubt any of you, I have to tell you that I’ve never know another man who shared that his wife had a higher sex drive than he did. I would crawl across a mile of broken glass to find a woman who has a sex drive, and so would most every guy I know. But that’s anecdotal. Let me drop the generalities and just speak from my own experience. My wife and I have been together for 17 years. 8 of those as a married couple. Her interest in sex had gone from roughly once a week to perhaps once every 5-6 weeks – maybe. On those occasions she initiates by waking me up early on a Saturday or Sunday. At the point when she wakes me, she has already decided what she wants. There’s been no interaction that led to it. I’ve been asleep. After we’re done, she gets up, grabs her coffee and goes about her business. She is always pleased with the encounter and has no issue in saying so, so it’s not a quality thing. She says that this is just what her frequency level is. I’m left with the feeling that the only reason that’s it me on those occasions is because I happen to be the current occupant of the bed. I’m not involved in whatever process leads up to it. As I said, when she comes back to bed (She’s an early riser, and has typically been up for a few hours at that point) she has already decided what she’s there for. Nothing I’ve said or done (or not said or not done) has had any part in getting her there. The results of any and all instances where I have tried to initiate sex over the last 6-7 years have been consistent: 100% failure. I’ve read all the articles, all the blogs, all the books, tried everything that all of the experts (and plenty of non-experts) have suggested, with no success. What’s my point in relation to the article? I’ve given up trying. I’m tired of trying to find a way to get her to respond to my advances and failing. Nothing makes me happier than taking care of her between the sheets (or wherever she would like) but the whole thing has become so tainted with the consistent rejection, I’ve shut down. I get up early now on weekends, and I get busy with whatever needs doing around the house or yard. If hubby isn’t showing any interest, it might be worth considering if he’s given up. To you ladies who have commented, that have an interest, and wish you had a man that step up and meet those needs… I truly wish I had met one of you. Thanks for listening. p.s. for stats. I’m 62, She’s 53, She has never had any children. It’s just the two of us. I have 4 grown kids from a prior marriage who are out on their own.

    • kimbowen says:

      Hi Gary, Thanks for your sharing your thoughts. I find that desire differences are more common than not in relationships, and addressing them can be tricky. I will tell you that there are plenty of men out there who have lower drives than their wives. I just don’t think it’s something that gets talked about “in the locker room” because of the unspoken societal expectations for a man to be a sexual beast with an insatiable appetite. Who wants to admit to their guy friends that they’re the guy who doesn’t ever want sex or has trouble performing in the bedroom?

  • Jessica says:

    I, like many of the other commentors, don’t find myself in this article…although I am desperately looking for something, anything to help me. My husband very rarely initiates sex. I’ve found myself in the role of the “man” in that I hit on him, I flirt with him, I try to touch him, I tell him how much I want him…and nothing. If I make myself vulnerable he laughs and says I’m cute, but then turns away. He says maybe it’s because I’m not as confident in my body as I once was, but neither is he. He says maybe instead of coming on to him I just need to give him a “look.” But I’ve done that. I bring up how long it’s been since we’ve had sex and he calls me a sex addict. I’ve tried everything and nothing works. Nothing turns him on. He doesn’t watch porn or masturbate. He isn’t cheating on me. He’s not depressed. He simply doesn’t want sex. Of course my self-esteem is affected! I feel like he’s not attracted to me, that he doesn’t love me, that he doesn’t want me…but he says he does. I give up. I don’t know what else to do. Part of me just wants to deny who I am in favor of who he expects me to me.

    • kimbowen says:

      Jessica, thanks for taking the time to comment. As you referenced, you aren’t alone in feeling like this. Differences in sexual desire are something that I continue to write about and research. There may not be any easy answers but I do hope that in the coming months, I’ll be ready to share some more on this topic of how couples view and address the differences in their relationship. Regards, Kim

  • William says:

    I’m not going to initiate sex because I don’t like being shot down every time. And since I’ve stopped initiating, I’ve regained equal footing in the “relationship”. And you know what? I don’t miss it. I don’t miss the manipulation or the games. I don’t miss the criticism. I don’t miss the mess or the smell. Nope – I wish I discovered the benefits of being sex free long ago. If she wants it she can initiate. But I’ll probably turn her down. If I’m lucky maybe she’ll leave me and I can get ALL my freedom back!

  • Grove says:

    Married for 17 years, most of it sexless. I’m 45, he is 41. I LOVE sex and have gone thru most of all the others have reported here. He doesn’t give a reason for his lack of desire. Says he loves me and feels attracted to me. I use to initiate, he said to stop and let him. I did, and we didn’t have sex for 2 years. We did therapy. We did therapy with a sexologist (which I insisted on). Still no improvement. He never asks for anything in bed. I’m totally open and highly sexual. I’ve told him I want to try anal sex, he said he was not interested. His hormones have been checked and all looked ok. I’m still in great shape and attractive. So is he. He has told me all kinds of excuses: I’m too sexual , he has low selfesteem (which he worked on with a therapist), he is not confident in bed (he has always satisfied me for the time we actually were intimate), he needs to initiate (I backed off we didn’t have sex for a long time), work stress (there were times he was not working and he was in great spirits but no sex).

    I don’t want sex with him anymore and I resent him for not working on himself and doing his part. For years, I felt exactly how you described in the article- alone, ashamed, insecure, etc. I don’t mind living with him and parenting with him. We share our everyday, laugh together, etc. But I have zero interested in having sex with him again. I don’t want to divorce, neither does he. I like my life, but I miss intimacy and love.

    I really think there’s an underline problem (maybe he is gay, maybe he was abused, etc) mostly because his reasons for the lack of sex/desire/intimacy sound more like excuses. If he loves me and cares for me why is he not interested in intimacy and my needs? Stress, lack of confidence, insecurities for 20 years? Is that possible?

    • Ellie says:

      I am very interested reading your comments. I am in a similar situation, together 8 years, married for 5 and sexless since we were married. Looking back I always initiated sex, but I don’t see that as a problem. I have always been able to talk openly about the situation to my hubby, I have tried everything. Started with the doctors, no problems there physical or emotional. Helped to ease/cut work stress. Planned a year off travelling, to change our environment. Went to counselling. Always ready to talk about and listen to any concerns he has. Talked frankly about him being attracted to me, about pornography (which he is not interested in) possibility that he could be gay. I have covered it all. We were still very affectionate until 6months ago, kissing cuddling holding hands etc. But now I have had enough, to me, that is insincere. I have said that I don’t want to hurt him, but it is becoming impossible for me to live like this. This upsets him terribly. I am not a highly sexed person but I can’t see the rest of my life without having any sex. We are in our 50s and have no children. My overwhelming feeling is deep sadness

      • Jennifer says:

        Sadness, yes, me too. Overwhelmingly so. In my random search of the www tonight for helpful articles, books, ideas, etc to reignite the flame that is obviously dying in my marriage, I came across this site. I see so many of us seeking something to help or to deal with similar feelings around sexless marriages. I do believe that sex is the barometer of my relationship and I am growing increasingly concerned about our future and happiness. It’s as if we no longer try. I have had very frank conversations with my husband about my need for intimacy and spontaneity, spice, variety, in the bedroom. He participates in the conversations and agrees we are in a rut that needs to be addressed but then nothing changes. We are married only 2 years – both second marriages – with no children living in our home (I have none and his two are grown). During our 4 year courtship we had a volcanic sex life so imagine my surprise when things went dormant around the time of our nuptials. I am 44 and he is 51. He has difficulty achieving and maintaining an erection and I try to be understanding. I pretend not to be bothered because I don’t want to embarrass him and he continues not to pursue any medical advice or remedy. I now suspect he was using medication during the years we were dating & engaged. We don’t discuss it because of ego frailties I suppose. And honestly I don’t think he is bothered by it. I just don’t think he is interested in sex any more. So, that’s it? My desire to be physically connected to another human being in the closest possible manner has to be extinguished? Does he not miss it too? I would ask that last question of him if I weren’t afraid of the answer.

  • Antonio says:

    I’m a pretty good man, try to stay in shape, over all not a bad looking guy. We have been married for about 6 years now in our 40s our children from previous marriages are now young adults and away on their own except for my teenage son. I make a decent living, have owned my own house long before we got married and my wife tells me that I’m a “wonderful husband” however during the time that we have been married my wife turned me down sexually so many times that I no longer desire her when she does want sex. She always tells me how much she loves me, my sex drive is much higher than hers, but she wants it without passion and I’m extremely passionate, she doesn’t even try to fix herself up to look attractive to me which makes me feel like a freaken dildo and I am very visual. We have openly discussed this issue multiple times and she always agrees with me and tells me that she will change but never follows through and that’s so exhausting to me. To this point I have been faithful to her but it’s extremely difficult when there are a few women seeking my attention. Divorce would lead to other even bigger problems so what can I do?

  • David says:

    I’ve had many discussions with other husbands who, like me, have expressed a high level of dissatisfaction with their wives when it comes to sex. We each want great sexual relationships with our respective wives, but the severe lack of sexual ambition, initiative, and imagination on the part of our wives has resulted in the desire to seek an outlet. For one of my friends the sustained lack of interest from his wife resulted in him cheating on her. Some of my friends have sought out porn.

    Thing is, none of us want to do any of that. But, the common denominator is our wives put the sexual relationship dead last on their list of wants and needs. This happening for years results in men giving up on making any effort to romance their wives. It builds enormous resentment and, in my case, the feeling of bait and switch.

    Early in our relationship my wife showed that she has an intense sexual side. This gave me high hopes for the future because I get our sexual relationship would only get better. Instead, it’s gotten progressively worse to the point where I don’t pursue her anymore. The phrase, “that dog won’t hunt” comes to mind. Such is the case with many men I’ve talked to.

    Another commonality is that our wives blame this lack of pursuit as the reason why they don’t have interest or put any effort into the sexual relationship. We just see it as another excuse in a long list of excuses we’ve heard over the years. We have grown numb to it.

    We know porn is fake. But you know what else? We also know that the women in porn are willing to put time, effort and energy into sex. That kind of investment is really what husbands want from their wives but get none. Truthfully, that is the draw to porn for many husbands. Thing is, we aren’t asking for our wives to be porn stars for us. We just want our wives to show SOME kind of interest in having a good sexual relationship.

    I can tell you right now a committed man who loves his wife will move mountains for her if she would just make an effort to enjoy a healthy, sexual relationship.

    I recall my wife accusing me of only wanting her for sex. My reply was if that were the case I would have left the relationship years ago. We have sex about once every 4-6 weeks, and it’s depressing that even though it’s that infrequent, it’s still the same thing every time. As your post suggests, many of us would rather masturbate than have lousy, disinterested sex.

    I once asked my wife in the 10 years we’ve been married to name one thing new that she’s brought into the bedroom. She couldn’t come up with anything, which was unsurprising because she hasn’t. It’s always me. I sometimes wonder if my wife thinks I don’t have much experience when the truth is I had a much more fulfilling sex life when I was single.

    I, like my friends, don’t want to seek an outlet. We want our wives to be that outlet. They just make themselves unavailable and uninteresting. That makes them unattractive even though they are physically attractive.

    We are not complicated creatures. We tell our wives EXACTLY what we want and what we need for them. It’s just that our wives seemingly just dismiss these things and we shut down. And, it’s always our fault as if we are responsible for their unwillingness to make our relationship a priority. And, it seems what our wives perceive to be real becomes real it it’s consequences.

    But, what are we supposed to do when we communicate our needs and desires and they get dismissed?

©2020 The Marriage Place. All Rights Reserved.

GIVE US A CALL (972) 441-4432