IS YOUR HUSBAND BAD AT SEX?
October 17, 2014
Without a doubt, women come in with this complaint way more often than men. By the time I see the couple, the wife is exasperated and ready to talk but her husband is feeling humiliated and embarrassed. He would rather get a root canal than discuss why his wife isn’t satisfied in the bedroom.
The wife is often surprised when I say to her “If your husband is a bad lover then you are a bad teacher”. She doesn’t want to hear this. She wants sex to be romantic and spontaneous. She doesn’t want to have to actually talk about what she likes or dislikes. She shouldn’t have to teach her husband how to be a good lover! But the truth is…all of us wives have this responsibility.
For a man, good sex happens when the woman he is with looks and sounds like she is enjoying the intimacy. If his lover is just lying there with a bored look or worse, a ‘get this over with quickly’ look, it is a huge buzz kill. All a woman has to do to make sure her man feels good, is to look and sound like he is making her feel good. But for a woman to have great sex, it requires skill. The only way for him to acquire this skill is for you to teach him.
Every woman’s body responds differently. Learning how to be a good lover for one woman does not mean he will be a good lover for the next one…unless he is taught. The only one who can teach your husband how to be a good lover is YOU.
Some women tell me they have tried to do this and it hasn’t worked well. But as I dig a little deeper, I find they have not really done much trying. Talking about sex…about what you like and don’t like…. can be really awkward. Sharing and acting out fantasies can be intimidating. I get this. But not making the effort is far more damaging. Women who feel their husbands lack finesse in the bedroom are vulnerable to looking outside of the marriage for sexual satisfaction. Many of them will stop having sex with their husband altogether. There are a LOT of married people who simply aren’t having sex. This is unbelievably sad for me because this is fixable! It really doesn’t have to be this way.
Two resources I recommend to my clients are written by author, Ian Kerner. She Comes First is for the men and Passionista is for women, however I highly recommend both of you read both books! Even read them together and discuss what you think. It may open the door for all kinds of interesting communication!
In my counseling practice, we have some great worksheets you and your spouse can do together in the privacy of your home that will also help you open up more about your specific sexual likes and dislikes. It isn’t reasonable to expect every sexual encounter to move mountains, but if you aren’t enjoying sex with your spouse stop settling for less to avoid awkward conversations! This is why they call it “intimacy”. You have to be willing to share your feelings and thoughts. If you need help getting the conversation going, give us a call. We want to show you how to swim in the deep end of the intimacy pool!
Next week I will give the men specific tips to help when your wife says you are bad in the bedroom.
Please have a look at our new blog >> https://themarriageplace.com/2017/01/husband-doesnt-want-sex/
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I’m not having sex with my husband because He is a disappointment. He won’t communicate with me in the bedroom. He uses the excuse that he is inexperienced and wants me to teach him. That’s fine, but when I explain to him what turns me on and express his fantasies, he doesn’t want to participate. He recently has been having erectile dysfunction, but uses excuses for that also. He is a heavy drinker, and has a habit of falling asleep before we even have a chance to start a rendezvous. I’m frustrated, and I have lost interest in our sex life. I’m not sexually attracted to him anymore. But. The sad part about it, is that I am the blame for our lack of intimacy, according to him. Sometimes I feel as though I’m fallling out of love with the same man I once cherished 4 years ago.
Ann, your comment describes my situation perfectly (except I cant even blame drinking). I’m at a complete loss. I started being honest – very honest- about a year ago. And I wish I could say it has helped. But. It hasn’t. He’s completely uncomfortable with all things intimate. I was raised to believe divorce isn’t an option but – I can’t live like this. I know he loves me in his own way and he is a great guy. But… it’s not enough for me. Not even close. I worry I’m a shallow or bad person. I worry I’ll be making the wrong decision. But I really don’t see any other solution at this point.
Thank you Adrienne…I hate that there’s not an acknowledgement that maybe we have tried…but you can’t teach someone who A. Doesn’t or isn’t open to learn B. Has sexual issues that further exasberate the issue..
I feel selfish for wanting to have amazing sex…it’s been so long since I’ve climaxed…
My husband has never been able to come in me. It’s been a big disappointment. He uses his hand to come while we are having “sex” and only allows me to suck on one of his nipples to do this. It is very odd to me. I love him, so I do it, but none of it seems normal to me. When he is hard, he goes straight to penetration and has no understanding that my vagina is not ready for it, because there is no foreplay, and it just ends up cramping up and hurting. I have kept quiet about it because any time I try to talk about what I want, he gets mad, and stops the intercourse. He hates making love with any lights on either and got mad at me about that too and literally cut off the intimacy that night because I asked if we could have it on, even just a low light. Before I met him, I was very active sexually and have no problems with discussing what I like or don’t like. I know my body and I’m not embarrassed about it. With him, our sex life has been next to nothing because he has difficulty with staying up, makes me suck just that one nipple, won’t let me show him or provide him with foreplay, then gets mad at me and stops everything. He went to the doctors and the doctor told him to lose weight and this would help him. It’s coming off very very slowly possibly. So he pops his little Asian get-hard meds once in a while but will still cut off the intimacy if I ask to change anything up even the slightest bed. It isn’t even like i’m asking for him to be tied to the bed or some extremely different sex move. I would like to once in a while have my husband come in me, which he may never, a light on once in a while, and some foreplay once in a while. It is just so dysfunctional! Is this a lost cause? Please help
First excuse my englishy husband is bad in bed. He know what i like, i told him what i want, i did what he want ( alot of stimulation) which i alway do to turn him on. But he won’t do the same for me. 10 years of marriage and he still the same. I have to fantasize about other man to get orgasm. It sad but better than go and cheat on him. But it really disappointed for me, alot of time i just lying there hoping he quickly done and gat it over wth.
My husband is pretty bad in bed. Sex with him is about 2 minutes. No foreplay, just jump on , pump away for about 30 seconds and he cums. Half the time he cannot get an erection and if he does I have a hard time feeling him because his penis is very small, under 4″. He does not want to talk about it, he says he is satisfied. Well, I am not.
Earlier this year he suggested swinging and while I was a bit hesitant, it has turned out awesome. I never knew sex could be this good. I have been with three other men this year. All where substantially bigger than hubby and for the first time in my life I had orgasms with each one of them. Meanwhile, he has not had sex with anyone else.
He is a dear man, but at this point he is lucky I am staying with him.
Hi
S dargatz
My story is quite similar with some exceptions.
My husband didn’t had sex with me for 7 months after marriage. Reason: Psychological issue as per him.
We had sex later and now we have a beautiful baby girl but after baby hardly… His pennis is too small.. he directly jumps to the sex. Sex life is so boring and that’s driving me crazy.
Rita, I’m sorry the sexual relationship with your spouse has been unfulfilling for you. I encourage you not to just accept this as your permanent reality though, and instead seek some assistance and advice from a professional. If you (or you and your spouse) are interested in working with one of our coaches who specializes in helping couples with sexual issues, please schedule a free Discovery Call or email our office at office@themarriageplace.com so we explain how we can help. You can share a little about your circumstances and the coach will be able to tell you if you are a good fit for coaching. Wishing you the best, Becca
It is hard to be a good teacher when he shuts down as soon as I bring up how I feel. It wasn’t that great when we met 9 years ago, but I thought we could work through it. I ended up pregnant 3 months after we met and we have made the relationship work in other ways and have 2 kids together. But the sex has only gotten worse since I have tried to communicate with him. He is not much of a talker and he knows its bad too. I don’t want to break up our family but I don’t know that I can continue to be so disappointed I cry myself to sleep. It has led to long lengths of time with no intimacy (over a year with nothing) then he begs for it and I try to talk to him about my needs and what I like and it ends up being another 4 minutes of total disappointment but he got what he needed. I am at a loss as to what I should do. He doesn’t drink, or have any addiction issues, it’s a big frustration.
Go talk to a relationship counselor who can help you. Your husband has to be unhappy too. Nothing can possibly get better until you do something differently.
This is us exactly. And when i teach him he does it once then he immediately goes back to his old ways. Only 2 parts of my body he ever touches, my nipple and a hideous rough rub on my clit up and down before getting down to the deed. I’ve talked about what i like, praised him, shown him, made it non confrontational, tried to discuss fantasties. He says he knows he is bad in bed. So he bought a vibrator. I had hope he cared enough to try something new. Then he just shoved it inside me! Im like wtf. So he gets no intimacy because i cant bear it. He has finally learnt to approach me by putting his hand on my shoulder for 5 seconds before grabbing my nipple. And he complains he gets no sex and that it means i don’t love him. So what, i just lie there and feel i am being violated or turn him away and be told its a marriage deal breaker for him. I deserve great sex and i have tried. So no I am not a bad teacher. I am a sad sex starved wife with a selfish insensitive husband. Otherwise he is a good provider and ok with the kids but i deserve more.
Ever wonder if i would move on a different path of my life ? Turning 30 and still single or married but unsure about the future behold ?
As the biological clock ticking, i felt the rush, i felt afraid of loneliness . I was not sure about him , he does not have everything that i want from a man, but i think, hey, he is a good man and he is loyal , what else do i want ?
So yes, we got married , and after 2 years together , i found that it’s hard for me to get pregnant , i have PCOS and as days goes by , i feel his impatient , i feel that he is desperately want to have kids so that he can call us a ” real family ” .
Do you need kids in marrige to make you both become more like a family ?
I found my husband turn out to be needy and doesn’t value me like he always said ” babe i am proud of you ” – i felt like he said what he did not mean . Maybe he read in some books about making people feeling value about themselves by telling them these words , and thought it would work on me . Oh yes , it works couples times but not anymore … it is fake , it is dellusional , and it is a trap .
I’ve never felt so complicated like now, i can’t explain my situation , i married willingly , love with all my heart , giving out as much as i could . I cooked, i clean the house , wash his stuffs , giving up a part of my career, and focus on our shops , which i put all the money i saved and sold my car to help him start it . And now we are living in a house that i bought , and whenever he talked to someone he said like he bought it with me , pathetic liar .
He is good with other people but not to me, he can be hot and cold in one night .
He can be caring or he might pretend to be one , and then he just can’t control it so he dropped his mask quite many times , i forgave to him cz we are married now and i have to try make things work .
I also doubt if he is a sex addict …? He want have sex all the time, everyday , even when i got sick and turned him down , he got upset about it and later told me that i don’t care about him. He said my problem with phone , ipad watching movie … but he doesn’t know that i did it because when we out for dinner , he is on his phone most of the time . When we are home , he either play game on ipad or work on computer .. even though i told him so many times about that, he keeps blaming me .
Today, 17/01/2017 , while i am hanging the wash clothes and watching tivi , he got mad at my jokes about i felt like a house wife doing this , and he picks a fight on me , calling this is a servant job , not a housewife , i can only call myself housewife if i have kids ?????!!!!!!!!!! Really ?????!!!! OMG since when that applied ????! So what now …???? Am i a chicken need to lay eggs ???
Ofcourse i want kids , i love them , i think i am ready … but it is not what i want , it is God will , if he might give me a chance …. this is really sad , i feel like i married a wrong person , and , i don’t know how to get out of this marrige ….. i am at a dead end. 2016 wasn’t a great year , now my future certainly doesn’t seem so bright …. i wish i know a way out of this madness . I wish to sleep on a nice bed not the couch … and i wish he know that he is bad at sex
Now i regret so much , i should have focused in my career and don’t try to hard on relationship . I’m afraid to go back to America now , he is like this then his mom and family will force me even more into making babies or blame me because not having one . God please help me . I am desperate …..
Jessica, I’m so sorry you are in such a bad place – it definitely sounds like you have a lot going on in your relationship and a lot of quetions. It’s frustrating and scary when you feel alone and don’t know what to do. If you’d like to talk some of this through with somebody experienced in offering guidance and support in these situations. If you’d like more information, feel free to schedule a free Discovery Call with us! Warmly, Kim
It is hard reading these posts, I feel for everyone. My situation may be explained by me being a bad lover. Perhaps that is why my wife is not interested in sex anymore? We have never been like rabbits, but once or twice a week plus the occasional oral sex seemed like a good fit for us after a few years of marriage. After two kids, it is lucky to be 10 times per year. There has been no oral for 4+ years for her, and only occasionally from me as she will not let me do it unless she has just gotten out of the shower. I would love to have more, better sex with her and have mentioned this. She states that she enjoys it and will never turn me down so I should ask more. My issue is that she only likes to have sex the same way every time and I think it is getting boring. She climaxes every time (honestly), although more often than not she needs one of us to stimulate her clitoris. I am able to bring her to orgasm by going down on her and honestly love to do it. She doesn’t do it anymore and I’m not allowed to it anymore (she’s a mother now and we don’t do that anymore apparently). I work hard 6 days per week to provide and pay our mortgage, holidays and allow her to shop with expensive tastes. I help out as often as I am able with all aspects of home duties and kids; often I will take over all details of that once I am home from work while she rests after a big day with both kids. I understand I actually have it easier than her as 2 kids are very demanding on your time and sanity. My wife does a great job with the kids and house, I respect that. Our kids both love us immensely and we each think the other is a great parent. I know I am. It perfect by any means, but I am gentle and caring and very open to alternative viewpoints. I may initially react in my own natural way, which is never violent or explosive, and although it may be insensitive I will realise it or accept it when told and apologise. I have no idea how we can return the sex to a better level for both of us. I genuinely want my wife to enjoy it and honestly, nothing makes me enjoy it more than when she does. The issue is that I never feel she enjoys it, or is doing it under obligation rather than desire, even though she gets to a pleasurable climax in the end. I’m open to conversation on her fantasies, desires and how to improve her enjoyment, but she states she likes what we do and would prefer it remains those one or two positions and routines. There is no drinking, health or mental issues, we are both in good shape and have no physical barriers to a great a sex life. I can only assume they are mental, but it is hard to be the only one admitting and willing to akmkowledge and issue that is affecting my everyday life now. I never thought my love for my wife and our life could be poisoned by our recent sexual incompatibility, but it honestly is. I feel ashamed that I let it, but I cannot control a growing resentment and lack of fulfillment that is starting because of it. I am suggesting counseling, but at this stage my wife is unwilling. I have been on my own to determine if I can resolve any issues, or at the least work on myself and my own issues and happiness. Understand I cannot change my wife, I can only change myself, but I fear the marriage won’t benefit too much without us both attending.
Peace and love to you all x
Steven, we can help you even if she won’t participate. You are right…you can only change you, but you can certainly “influence” her! You need to deal with the sex issues. Resentment will only grow and leak out to contaminate all the other areas of your marriage. Resentment kills love. Believe it. Call us and let us work with you! 972-441-4432
This has got to be the dumbest article I’ve ever read on this subject. I’m a woman. I don’t expect spontaneity or for my husband to read my mind. Do some women expect this? Sure. But to say that it’s always the woman’s fault is just plain wrong. I expect my husband to believe me when I tell him I don’t like X and I do like Y. He follows my teaching once or twice and then just goes back to whatever he feels like doing. We’ve been having these conversations for years. At some point you have to accept you’re wasting your breath. At some point you have to stop allowing your body to be used as a masturbation tool. I’m tired of always being the one trying to improve things, too.
Lisa, Thank you for your feedback. Many women haven’t figured out their role and responsiblities in ensuring they get what they want in the bedroom, and it’s for this group of women that I wrote this. They aren’t getting what they want and they haven’t done everything they need to do in the relationship to help change that. I can tell this one hit a sensitive spot for you and I can understand why. It sounds like you HAVE tried asking for exactly what you want and need, and your efforts haven’t resulted in long-term positive change. And that is frustrating. You don’t feel heard and your needs aren’t being met. You may truly be resigned to accepting things as they are now but I encourage you not to be! If what you’ve done so far hasn’t worked, let’s try something else! If you’d like some guidance with this, please consider reaching out to work with one of my coaches. You can even schedule a free Discovery Call with us show you can learn more first. Warmly, Kim
12 years together, 3 kids and maybe, just maybe 5 orgasms. Im 33, for many people these are the best sex years of their lives. I’ve told my husband billions of times what I like and he tries it like pulling my hair. He started by pulling it at the very end and non stop so I told him how I like it intermittent and close to the scalp that whole sex orderal we focused on that skill, its never happened again. I remind him every now and again I like that, but its ignored. Until recently hes never really done oral and Ive had it before with very happy endings, he tries and Ive never had an orgasm from him that way. I tell him I require more work to have an orgasm, and read him an article that stated 80% of the time women do not get an orgasm from penatration alone. All he wants to do now is finger me and try to make me have an orgasm. My vagina is so sore from him trying I have to fake an orgasam or it will never end. I tell him frequently what I like and drop hints, but he cums very quickly and Im usually left masterbating to get my happy ending. Ive been a teacher for him the last 12 years and Im just ready to be the student. Im very confident with my body, I am not afraid to tell him how I feel, but I’m so tired of teaching and trying its draining. I had sex with other men before, amazing sex and I just wonder where they naturally gifted? I love him and Ive tried for years, Im not attracted to him I care a lot about my body and being healthy and hes the exact opposite and it honestly disgusts me. I honestly like giving him a blowjob I fantasize about waking him up with one, but hes always farting super loud and bad enough to clear a room and he snores a drools a lot so that ruins making out or blowjobs, I dont want my face anywhere near his butt or his mouth. Hes a great husband though, treats me with respect, very supportive and an amzing father, very successful and goal oriented. Maybe one day all the years of teaching will click and pay off. lol