Tag Archives: happily ever after

How to make marriage last forever

how to make marriage last foreverHow do we make marriage last forever?

There is a concept with marriage in our society that I just don’t get.  

It is the idea that when attraction leaves, the marriage is over.  

Or when you don’t feel IN love anymore, it is time to move on.  

This seems crazy to me.

I have a different view of marriage that some of my clients have told me is “old fashioned.”  It is certainly not the sexiest view of matrimony, but it has saved me from multiple divorces and a shattered family.

In my opinion, the way to make a marriage last forever is to start with a certain mindset. It is the fundamental belief that when two people marry, they create a family. It’s a bond that is as strong as if you were related by blood.  Even more so, actually, because you chose each other.  Blood relatives don’t get to choose. So if you viewed your spouse as your “family”, tied together no matter what…you will stay married through the ups and downs of life.  Whether you feel like it or not.

How making a marriage last forever relates to having kids.  

When you decide to bring children into this world, you commit to loving them.  This is pretty remarkable considering you don’t have any idea what they will be like when you decide to conceive.  

You don’t even know if if you will have a boy or a girl.  You have wants and desires for your children.  But you almost always get surprises.  And yet, you love your children fiercely.  

Even when they are unlovable.

You love them when they hurt you.  

You love them when you don’t like them.  

You wouldn’t dream of leaving your children because you just didn’t feel like being their parent any longer.

Some people do this and we are shocked when we see it.  Because it isn’t natural.


Now, how would the world change if we viewed marriage the same way?

Here’s the thing:  most people end a marriage when they are in pain.  

Whether it is pain from disappointment, betrayal or unmet needs.  

Sometimes it is the misery that comes from the frustration of not feeling loved.  

And sometimes it is the pain of boredom.  

There isn’t any abuse, but there aren’t any fireworks either.  We don’t like pain.  

We try to avoid it or we numb it or run from it.  But pain is necessary for growth.  

So in all our avoidance of pain, we are also avoiding the opportunities it provides us to grow ourselves up.  

Pain is an invitation to change.  Make your Marriage Last Forever.

So if your marriage is causing you pain, let that pain teach you and guide you.  

Let it change you.  I’m not talking about suffering through an abusive relationship.  

I don’t believe every marriage should be saved.  

But the way we recycle life partners in our culture indicates we have a serious problem with avoiding and denial.  

You will have days when you don’t like your spouse.  

You will have seasons where you question your commitment and love.  

You will yearn for a simpler life with less conflict.  

You may even be tempted by greener pastures.  

But remember, you committed to love this person for the rest of your life.  

I don’t believe in saving marriage at any cost.  

But seriously, if you are miserable in your marriage and there isn’t abuse, it is growing pains.  A sign that something needs to change in you or your partner.  

We don’t seem to know how to get along with anyone anymore.  

We aren’t very good at reaching out to our neighbors or involving ourselves in other people’s worlds.  

We have become hedonistic and it is toxic to us and to our society.

A Real Life Example

I met with a client recently who was having an emotional affair.  

She was angry because she had told her husband for years she was unhappy.

He didn’t get serious about changing until he found out about the affair.  

She asked me why it took something so drastic, because now she really didn’t care anymore.  

I told her it took this long because she trained him.  

She complained, but she didn’t get his attention.  

If she was truly unhappy she should have put the marriage on hold.  

Moved out of the bedroom, gone to counseling, given him a deadline and followed through.  

She was shocked and asked me if she really should have been that direct.  

It felt so “mean” to her.  Ironically, it would have been much kinder to have gotten his attention and forced his hand sooner while she still wanted the marriage.  

If you or your spouse is unhappy, get to work.  

Stop staying silent because you think it is easier or you feel like “what’s the point.”

If you are complaining and your spouse isn’t changing anything or taking you seriously, ramp it up until you have their attention.  

Having a marriage last forever will take work.  

But the rewards will be worth your time and effort.  

Trust me!  I know these things.

Contact us today, and let’s work together to make your marriage last.

 

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Why Should I Stay Married?

stay married

Why Should I Stay Married

My husband and I are clearing out clutter. It is a time consuming adventure into the past.  We started by just going through stacks of books and piles of paper trying to sort them into more organized stacks and piles we labeled keep, toss or give away.  

But we get easily sidetracked when we come across a card one of our children wrote us when they were little, or pictures of our boys when they were babies.  

Today we came across some real gems.  

A letter my son, Thomas, wrote me when he was little:

“Mommy, I hope the surjry tomorow goes ok.  Remember, if God wants you to live you will.  Love, Thomas.”

Then there was this: the wedding dress I wore more than 26 years ago.  

why I want to stay married

The most amazing thing is that it still fits!  But just barely.  

And we found many books we read to our kids when they were small–like these from Sandra Boynton.  

Why Should I Stay Married?

So many memories.

Why Should I Stay Married?

But when we got to this book, my husband and I started laughing loudly and we literally recited the entire book from cover to cover from memory! That’s how often we read this to our boys, who are now 19 and 17.  

We talked about how we cherish these books and how we will save them to read to our grandchildren.

And then it hit me.  

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What if I had chosen not to stay married, when it seemed hopeless?  

There would be no shared moments of reading these same precious books to our grandkids.  

In fact, there would be very few shared moments with our kids and grandkids at all after divorce.  

And when coming together is forced through some big celebration or ceremony, everyone feels awkward and tense.   

When the boys are married and have their own families, they would have to make the obligatory holiday rounds so they have time with each parent separately.  

Then I wondered how they would feel about a stepmom or a stepdad?  

What if they didn’t get along?  

And what if their wives’ parents were also divorced?  

Now there are four families.  What a mess!  

What a complicated, entangled legacy to leave my kids!

Why I Chose to Stay Married

I stopped in that moment of cleaning out, and I put my hands on my dear husband’s shoulders.

I thanked him for never giving up on us.  

I told him I want to grow old with him and grandparent with him.

I told him I would marry him again.  

Pretty amazing when you consider there was a time I wanted out and was convinced I would never be able to love him again, much less stay married.

But I do love him.  With every fiber in my being.  I love him.

We laugh a lot now.  We have overcome so much.  

We have finally figured out this thing called marriage and discovered it really can be wonderful and passionate and fun.  Even after 26 years.  

There was a time when I viewed my marriage with the same critical eye I’m using on my household clutter.  

Except the marriage almost went into the “throw away” pile.  

I was so unhappy, I couldn’t see what the future would hold for me or my kids if I did divorce their dad.  

Even more unhappiness.  

My marriage was making me unhappy, but divorce wasn’t the answer.  Putting my marriage on hold and getting authentic, honest counseling was what made the difference. I divorced my old marriage and built a new one.

Our marriage almost died from a thousand paper cuts, instead of one big event or trauma. Click To Tweet

And it was put back together in the same way.

Small repairs and movements toward each other that over time, created this beautiful marriage we now treasure.

And you know what?

You can stay married, too.

I know this not from books or clinical research, but from my own real life experience.  

Your marriage is worth fighting for even if your spouse is done.  

Divorce is not the easy way out.  

It is a complicated mess especially if you have kids.  

If you want a different legacy for your kids, fight for it.

We know how to help you do that.  Contact us here.

Or call us at (972) 441-4432. 

Fighting for your marriage is exhausting, but the pain of divorce lasts a lifetime.

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