Category Archives: Infidelity

Do Ultimatums in Marriage Work?

Marriage Advice for those who are unhappy, married and miserable

ultimatums in marriage

If I told you that setting an ultimatums in marriage can be one of the smartest things you can do for your relationship, would you believe me? In fact, Ultimatums can be necessary and the only way to save a marriage. Click To Tweet And yet I find that most people are either reluctant to use them, or don’t really know how to use them and end up making a big mess.

When Are Ultimatums in Marriage Necessary?

Ultimatums become necessary when your partner pushes against your bottom line and refuses to take whatever steps are necessary to make things right again.

Your bottom line is the place where you cannot continue to feel safe, secure and respected in a relationship as long as certain behavior goes unchanged. It’s the place where you feel you can’t continue in this relationship if something doesn’t change.

Sometimes, ultimatums are the only way we can protect ourselves and the relationship.  If your husband is an alcoholic who refuses treatment, how can you protect yourself?

You can’t make him do the right thing.

You can’t control how much he drinks.

But you can control what you will tolerate.

You can control how much misery you endure and how long you wait for him to see how his behavior is destroying the marriage.

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Ultimatums in Marriage are Scary

We want the relationship to work.  We love our spouse even though they are hurting us. And we are scared that the ultimatum will force the relationship to end.

If we really are at our bottom line that means we know we can’t continue on if things don’t change.  Since we can’t control our spouse’s behavior, it is very possible we will be forced to follow through with the ultimatum.

This is terrifying, so we avoid using the only real power we have and instead we explode in anger or implode into hopelessness and depression. When we explode, we feel more powerful as we tell our partner we aren’t going to take this anymore and we threaten to leave if things don’t improve.

Because our actions never match our words, we are actually only becoming even more powerless.

We are teaching our partner that we don’t mean what we say.

It becomes easy for our partner to make nice for a while to appease us and then go back to the behavior that is destroying the relationship.

Or worse: for our spouse to disregard us entirely like the teacher on Peanuts…”wah wah wah” or the “nut job” who overreacts.

I am often telling my marriage counseling clients that getting so angry and making meaningless threats doesn’t mean they aren’t taking it anymore.

It means they are taking it, but taking it angrily.

All that anger will destroy the relationship even if the offending behavior does not.

Either way, they will continue to live in a miserable marriage until they are willing to set an ultimatum or the relationship continues to erode until there is nothing left.

What I like about ultimatums is that it shows your partner that you really do mean business, and it gives them the chance to clean up their act sooner rather than later.  (Later is oftentimes too late.)

The most common reason women leave a marriage is that, for women, the longer the resentment builds up, the greater the chance she will shut down.

When her partner does change, it no longer matters to her.

By the time he’s willing to change, she’s already given up.

Had the wife spoken up and given a meaningful ultimatum earlier in the conflict, it could have changed the outcome drastically.

Do Ultimatums In Marriage Work?

Yes! There are two possible outcomes in each ultimatum situation.

The first is the most desirable.  Your spouse gets it and has to come to terms with the possibility of losing you.  This forces him/her to confront their bad behavior and make changes and repair.  The relationship is on a fast track to healing.

The second outcome is the one we feared would happen.  Our spouse refuses to acknowledge their contribution to the destruction of the relationship or work to repair it.

But even this is a win because I promise you, this is the eventual end you would have come to anyway.  It’s a win because you haven’t spent years in misery and whittling yourself down to a nub in the process.

You know sooner rather than later that this marriage is destructive and doomed to fail.

The Difference Between Ultimatums and Boundaries

I think it is important to understand the difference between ultimatums and boundaries.  Every healthy relationship has boundaries.

I’m not going to be happy if my husband comes home from work grumpy and bites my head off.  If this happens frequently, I will set a boundary or limit.  I may stop greeting him at the door, or I may choose to eat dinner alone on those nights.

I will protect myself respectfully, but I don’t see this as worthy of putting the whole relationship on the line.

Boundaries are necessary to navigate daily stresses and annoyances. Click To Tweet Ultimatums are the big guns.  You only use them for truly relationship-threatening behavior such as abuse (of any kind) or infidelity.

Using ultimatums for boundary issues is a huge mistake.  If you use them inappropriately, you will become the controlling, abusive partner in the relationship.

Using Ultimatums in Marriage: Real life examples

Joe and Emily: Life with an alcoholic

Emily believed that her husband Joe had a drinking problem.  She begged and pleaded and tried to change him, but nothing worked.  Because of his drinking habits, Joe lost his job, and Emily felt hopeless about the whole situation.

During our counseling session, I helped Emily work on an ultimatum.

Emily calmly told Joe that he had two weeks to find a 30-day treatment center at an inpatient clinic for alcoholics.  And after that, he would need to sign up with a sponsor for Alcoholics Anonymous.

Joe tested Emily’s resolve and didn’t seek treatment within the two week time frame, so Emily packed up the kids and went to stay with her mother.

Joe checked in to a  treatment center the next day.

Joe finished his treatment and enrolled in AA with a sponsor, and he is doing very well these days.

In this extreme case, Emily knew something had to change, and she put her marriage at risk.  In the end, they were able to work through their issues and make a profound difference in their marriage.

Matt & Lisa: A sexless marriage

Matt and Lisa came to see me because they weren’t having sex.

They had been married for 25 years and it had been 5 years since they last made love.

Lisa simply wasn’t interested.  In fact, she never really enjoyed sex.

She was happy to live as roommates, but Matt was becoming increasingly frustrated. He was tired of the endless rejection and felt Lisa was being selfish.

In my office, I established there was no physical or emotional reason Lisa was refusing sex. She wasn’t depressed.  She had a complete physical and all was normal.  There was no history of sexual abuse or trauma. She said she just had a lower sex drive than her husband.

I explained to Lisa there was a difference between a low sex drive and going 5 years without sex!

Matt was more than willing to explore different techniques that might increase pleasure and fun for both of them, but Lisa wasn’t interested.

In fact, she didn’t want to come to counseling with him either.

She clearly stated that he was the one who was unhappy so he could find a way to get happy or he could come to counseling alone.  She was fine.  So even without my prompting, Matt decided to make himself happy and told Lisa he refused to live in a sexless marriage.

If she wasn’t willing to work on this with him, he wanted a divorce.  Lisa actually did divorce Matt.

I found out later that  Lisa had been having multiple affairs over the years. Matt had no idea until after they divorced.

He was sorry his marriage ended, but he was so glad he finally stood up for himself and for his needs in the marriage.

If you are in a marriage that has hit your bottom line, it may be time to set an ultimatum.

It’s scary. But remember, it can be the best way to get your relationship moving in the right direction.  The Marriage Place can help you figure out if it is time for an ultimatum.  We can also teach you how to show up in your marriage in a way that makes it easier for your spouse to want to give you what you need.

Sometimes, pent up anger and resentment creates bottom line issues that can be resolved with counseling.  Either way, we are here to help  you!  Give us a call at 972-441-4432,  or contact us using our confidential online form.  We care about saving marriages!

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How To Tell Your Spouse You Cheated

how to tell your spouse you cheated

how to tell your spouse you cheated
If you used the ever popular Ashley Madison site you may soon be busted. Hackers have gained access to millions of names and they are threatening releasing these names to the public if the site isn’t shut down.  Ashley Madison makes millions of dollars a year.  They aren’t closing shop, so if there is a possibility your name is on the list, you need to know your spouse may soon be finding out.  If you want to save your marriage, there are steps you can take to increase your chances.

ashley madison hack

If your name could be on that list, you are probably tempted to wait and see if the news will go public.  Why tell the truth, risk your marriage and cause your spouse all this pain if there is even a remote possibility the names won’t be shared?

I can give you two reasons why you need to confess your infidelity:

  1. If you want any hope of saving your marriage, this is your next best move and
  2. You have a fairly good chance of being caught whether your name is leaked or not.  Secrets have a way of being found.

If your name is on that list…I’m sorry.  I’m sorry you are probably having to worry and stress that your spouse, family, friends and coworkers could find out about your actions. Of course, being found out is always a potential consequence to having an affair. But this kind of very public revelation is going to be painful for everyone involved.  I’m also sorry you chose an affair over confronting the issues that you made vulnerable in this way to begin with.

Having an affair doesn't have to be the end of your marriage. Click To Tweet

If you think your name could be on that list, you need to prepare your spouse and yourself for the fallout.  I’ve outlined some steps to help you navigate this process.

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If you’ve used Ashley Madison to have an affair, here’s how to tell your spouse you cheated, and what to do next:

Step 1:
Immediately close your Ashley Madison account and delete any emails, texts or pictures.  If you have a secret email address, close the account.  This isn’t to hide information from your spouse.  This is to keep your spouse from stumbling onto explicit information that can never be unread or unseen.  I’ve worked with many clients in this situation and it is much harder to get past an affair when this level of detail has been shared.

Step 2:
Get ready for questions. You need to be ready to answer the questions that will invariably come.  Your spouse is going to want to know who, how many, where and for how long (and many, many others). It is critical that you are honest and up front from the beginning BUT do not give any graphic details about any encounters with your affair partner.  Don’t be belligerent.

If your spouse asks these kinds of intimate questions, tell him/her you feel this information would only hurt them further.  If they persist. tell them you want to seek advice from a marriage counselor before saying anymore.

Above all, do not lie or deceive to try and minimize damage.  This will only come back to bite you.  I’ve seen it too many times.  Answer honestly and respectfully and if it is a question you aren’t sure whether to answer, be honest about that and why.  When your spouse asks you WHY you did it, do not say anything that remotely sounds like your spouse is to blame. No matter how nagging. mean, neglectful, sexless or thoughtless your spouse may be, you could have chosen anything else besides an affair. Take ownership for your choices.

Step 3:
Be prepared for a wide range of emotions from your spouse. Expect sadness. grief. confusion. anger, hurt and fear.  Your spouse will need time to process this news and what they need from you now is patience, honesty. compassion and remorse.  If your spouse lashes out at you with hurtful words and accusations, do not lash back.  Do not try and justify the affair in any way.  Expect questions to continue for weeks and months.  Your job is to stay patient and be honest.

Step 4:
Confess. Your spouse deserves to find out from you–not the internet.  If you wait for the perfect time to have this conversation, you will never have it.  This is obviously a delicate situation.  Tell your spouse you need to talk and find a quiet, private place where you will not be interrupted by kids or the phone.

Do not have this conversation in a public place and do not have it where the kids can even possibly hear you.  The best way to have this conversation is to simply state what happened.  Don’t backtrack or try set this up with long explanations.  Simply tell your spouse you have had an affair.  And tell them why you are telling them now.  Your spouse needs to know this news could be public knowledge.

Step 5:
Accountability.  Expect there to be at least 3-6 months of complete transparency.  Give your spouse all your passwords and access to your phone.  Tell your spouse where you are at all times before they ask you. You have lost your right to privacy for the time being but remember this is only temporary.

Step 6:
Seek help. I strongly advise you get professional help at this point.  See an experienced marriage counselor who can help you both navigate the difficult days ahead.  Make sure you choose a pro marriage or “marriage friendly” therapist who will help you strengthen and restore your relationship.  I also recommend Getting Past The Affair as a resource.

Seek Professional Help

You haven’t made the best choices in the past, but be strong and courageous now.  I sincerely wish you the very best as you fight for your marriage.  Our counselors and coaches are expertly trained to help you get through this.  We are here to help.  Just give us a call at 972-441-4432 or contact us by email.

how to tell your spouse you cheated

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