Category Archives: Divorce

How to Slowly Destroy Your Marriage

Tell me if this feels familiar:

  • You cannot remember the last time you’ve had a deep conversation with your spouse about your relationship.
  • If you can remember, the memory is not a positive one.
  • When you think about talking to your spouse about _____________, you cringe inside. (Fill in the blank with sex, money, parenting – you name it),

If this is familiar, I feel for you. Because at one point, it was me. It brought me to within a hair’s breadth of pursuing divorce and wreaking havoc on my immediate and extended family.

While there is rarely a single issue that drives a husband and wife apart, the desire to avoid pain or conflict is present in most of the couples we counsel. It’s a core issue because when we can’t discuss what’s hurting us, it gradually oozes out in other ways. Eventually there is no more sharing, no more intimacy, no more of anything remotely resembling what brought us together in the first place.

‘I can’t talk to my spouse about that’

I often hear people say their spouse won’t or can’t hear them. Often it’s about sex. The percentage of people who are unhappy with their sex life is huge! But for whatever reason, they feel they can’t tell their spouse. The same goes with talking about a spouse’s appearance, especially if obesity is in the mix.
''Saying 'I can't talk about that' could be killing your marriage. '' Click To Tweet
In reality – in the vast majority of situations – the spouse who says “I can’t talk to him/her about that” is simply protecting themselves. Specifically, they’re protecting themselves from the anxiety the conversation would cause.  They are worried about the spouse’s reaction. The consequences.  The aftershock.  And so instead, they avoid the topic altogether.

‘I don’t want to hurt their feelings’

I get this. My husband is one of the dearest, sweetest men on planet Earth. Years back, when I was an emotional basket case, even though I was miserable, I didn’t want to tell him. The last thing I wanted to do was make him feel bad about himself. Things about him drove me crazy and yet I wouldn’t tell him. I thought if I verbalized what I was really thinking, what was really bothering me, how deeply unhappy I was, he would take all the blame on himself and things would just get worse.

The truth is though, I didn’t tell him because I didn’t want to face the anxiety it would cause in me if I had the conversation.  I was protecting me.  Guess what else I did?

I aborted any chance of a deeper relationship with my husband byassuming he couldn’t handle it.

How fair is that? How loving is it? Rather than giving him the chance to know me better and help me through my issues, I stuffed it and justified doing so by assuming he couldn’t handle it.

If you’re doing this, you are destroying your marriage. And it’s a death by a million little paper cuts.

If your relationship doesn’t end in outright divorce, it will at a minimum slip into the doldrums, as you find less and less to discuss and fewer activities you enjoy together. Loving affection will become a distant memory and tender moments of closeness will be nonexistent. You’ll become the couple in the corner of the restaurant who’ve been married for 40 years but don’t have a thing to say to one another.

Choose your destiny

If you don’t want this, I encourage you to run – not walk, run – to an experienced, educated marriage counselor.   That’s what we did and it saved our marriage.

Technically, this issue is called a ‘lack of differentiation’. It’s when we have a hard time defining ourselves as individuals. It involves knowing what is important to us, setting boundaries between ourselves and others, and knowing how to handle the anxiety that comes with being intimate with someone else.

A lack of differentiation is rooted in fear. It basically means we’re scared.

We’re scared the other person doesn’t really value us, or that they’ll respond with hostility, or that we’ll just make things worse, or that it won’t change anything.

Is that how you want to operate? Out of fear?

I challenge you to take control of your relationship. Pursue help. . Your marriage is worth it.

Call us or schedule an appointment

(972) 441-4432 or Send us a text at (214) 431-5764

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Is Divorce Your New Year’s Resolution?

DivorceSeason

Many of us  use the start of a new year as a time to set goals for ourselves.  We often call these resolutions.  For some,  divorce makes the resolution list.

Last January CNN reported on a study of divorce-related court filings in the United States. The data showed a spike in January, with an ongoing swell to peak activity in March.

Why does the beginning of the year spell doom for some marriages?

In my experience, there are several reasons:

  • Unhappy partners don’t want to ruin the holidays, especially if kids are in the mix.
  • Holiday time off provides more extensive couple time, for better or worse.
  • People really use the start of a year to take stock of their lives.

If this is you right now, I beg you to consider another option: Divorce your unhappy marriage, not your spouse.

''Divorce your unhappy marriage, not your spouse''. Click To Tweet

Your situation isn’t hopeless

I know it sounds trite. You’re probably thinking something like, “But you don’t know how bad it is.”

Actually, I do know how bad it can be.

I was in a marriage that felt lonely and miserable. I often woke up feeling like there was no hope. No matter what I would say to my spouse, or myself, nothing would change. I even told myself that we were incompatible. He is who he is and it isn’t fair to ask him to change just to make me happy.

But listen to me. Those are feelings, not facts. Situations can change. Your spouse can change. YOU can change.

I know this because of my marriage. But more than that, I know because I’ve seen it happen in other marriages, over and over again.

Your marriage doesn’t have to be a statistic

There is evidence that marriages can turn from rocky to robust. From lackluster to loving. I have personally seen it.

I’ve seen wives with harshly critical manners learn to approach their husbands with respect.

I’ve seen husbands who were emotional bullies stop the abuse completely.

I’ve seen spouses break down crying when they realized how their behavior was wounding their partner.

I’ve seen many, many couples come to grips with affairs and sexual addiction, and find healing on the other side.

But all of these marriages have something in common, something that’s required before change can happen: One of the partners decided, “We can’t live like this anymore.” Then they took action.

Decide, then act

If you’re reading this right now and trying to find hope for the new year, I’ll throw you a lifeline. It involves only three steps:

  1. Admit you’re drowning.
  2. Look for the help in front of you.
  3. Grab hold.

With those simple steps, this lifeline can pull you down a new path, one of hope rather than hopelessness. We can talk to you over the phone right now, or you can schedule an appointment online. I beg you, don’t give up on your marriage this year until you’ve at least taken the chance to talk with us.

So this is it. It’s time to decide how to start the new year. What will you do?

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