Monthly Archives: June 2014

So Your Spouse Doesn’t Want To Come To Counseling?

Lonely coupleWhat should you do if you are concerned about your relationship but your spouse refuses to come to counseling?  We get asked this question almost every day!  People call us and are feeling trapped.  They want to make things better but feel hopeless because their spouse doesn’t seem to see the urgency, or worse, they just don’t want to work on it.

If this is your situation, I have very good news!  You don’t need your spouse to come to counseling for you to improve your marriage!  Sometimes clients find this hard to believe, but I PROMISE you…I’ve helped save many marriages working with only one partner.  In fact, if your spouse doesn’t want to come with you, forcing him/her with coercion, guilt or threats of leaving will do much more harm than good.  A spouse who shows up under those circumstances is often resistant to counseling and doesn’t want to do the homework.  They end up resenting me and you!  This just causes more trauma to your marriage and increases your feelings of hopelessness.  But leaving things the way they are isn’t the answer either.  You know if your relationship is heading for trouble.  Research shows the average couple waits 6 years before getting professional help and by that time, there is a lot of damage to overcome.  I wonder if it takes that long because someone waits for the other to be ready.

Wonder how it works to do couples counseling with just one of you?

Let’s say I asked you to go home tonight and do or say something to put your spouse in a bad mood.  Would you know how to do that?  I know exactly how to push my husband’s buttons (and he knows how to push mine).  I can’t control his actions, but I sure know how to influence him.  Now, if I use my powers of influence for evil, we are going to have a really bad evening.  By the same token, if I use my powers of influence for good, we have a fair shot at having a great evening!

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That’s a simplistic explanation for the process we use, but think about it…as we deal with our partners over time, especially when things haven’t been going well, we often find ourselves reacting to them.  We expect them to react to us.  Once we change this dynamic, magic happens.  Things start to improve and your spouse starts to respond more positively.  I’ve seen entire marriages turn around when ONE PERSON begins to act differently.

If your spouse doesn’t want to work on the relationship, don’t pressure him/her to come to counseling with you.  Simply call us at 972-441-4432, email us or book an appointment online here.  We will help you change your marriage even if you are the only one working.

Do you live outside of the Dallas area?  No worries!  Our coaches are trained in solution focused techniques and will be happy to work with you over the phone.  Give us a call!

 

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Why Marriage Doesn’t Stop Porn Use

Sex and computer mouseI was exposed to pornography for the first time when I was in the third grade. Surprisingly, I cannot remember much of the picture that I was shown. However, I remember vividly my friend’s mom smiling approvingly at her son showing me the pictures. It seemed after that I was seeing pornography everywhere: my dad’s closet, the bathroom at a friend’s house, and R-rated movies. The consistent theme was that it was okay for adults and maybe even kids with parents cool enough to allow it.

My teenage years were filled with pornography. I knew it was something I should hide. I knew it wasn’t who I wanted to be. I tried to quit hundreds of times and failed. I didn’t give it much worry because I thought that once I get married I would no longer want or need it.

I remember a lady even told me, “When you are married, you can have sex any time you want.” I still laugh as I remember her husband responding in shock, “Really?!! I had no idea.” Yet most single guys still believe getting married will end their porn problem.

Unfortunately, many women believe the same thing. They reason that after marriage, he’ll have the real thing and will no longer need pornography. “I’ll be his pornography.” There is an old joke that explains this is why the wedding starts with her coming down the aisle, heading to the altar, while the musicians sing a hymn.  (Aisle, altar, hymn) or I’ll alter him.

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The sad thing is that the new husband and wife quickly find they were incorrect. Getting married does not cure or replace a pornography problem. Here are a some reasons why:

The purpose of pornography is sexual excitement. Most definitions of pornography will have this as part of the definition. The purpose of marriage is certainly not sexual excitement. The purpose is two people learning and growing and uniting into one being. Sexual excitement is a byproduct not the purpose.

The focus of pornography is selfish desires. When someone indulges in pornography they will go through countless pictures, videos, or stories looking for the one that brings them the most excitement. The focus of marriage is learning to be completely focused on just one person. You are often surprised at how much fulfillment you get by pleasing your spouse.

The subject of pornography is variety. The pornography user will quickly grow tired of the porn that brings the most excitement. Then the quest is on for the new porn. The process of the search is repeated. Without variety, most pornography users would quit because the thrill would fade. The subject of marriage is one person. There will be variety as you learn the intricacies of that one person and see them grow and develop. In marriages that work, you will be completely enthralled with one person.

Getting married does not cure pornography, but pornography can destroy a marriage.

Pornography can destroy sexual attraction to your spouse. I have talked to many women whose husbands struggle with pornography. Every single one thought if only they were more pretty or sexy, he would not choose pornography over the real thing. I always tell them it has nothing to do with them.

Halle Berry is one of the most beautiful women in Hollywood. The guy married to her must have it made, right? Evidently not. Her husband admitted to sleeping with at least 10 other women, including two of the Halle’s closest friends. He said, “I have made some terrible mistakes but the truth is, I love my wife.”  The problem was revealed when he soon sought treatment for sex addiction. If you are married to Halle Berry, the issue is obviously not looks. It isn’t love either. The marriage eventually ended in divorce. Message to ladies: Not even being the most beautiful woman in the world would be enough to overpower pornography. Message to guys: Do you really want to get involved with something that can make you choose not to have sex with the most beautiful woman in the world.

Pornography can destroy a man’s ability to physically have sex. Men are finding they are unable to have sex with a woman. Porn has raised their levels of sexual excitement so high that no real woman is sexually exciting enough.

Many men don’t realize their brain’s sensitivity is declining toward normal sex because pornography delivers endless dopamine hits—making sex possible where normal encounters would not. In some porn users, the response to dopamine is dropping so low that they can’t perform sexually without constant hits of dopamine via pornography.

An Italian study surveyed 28,000 men and confirmed male sexual performance issues could be connected to porn use. 70 percent of the young men seeking clinical help for sexual performance problems admit to using Internet pornography habitually.

If you or your spouse is using pornography or even if you use it together, it is not too late to avoid these consequences. Our brains can go back to “normal.” However, it takes complete abstinence. Complete means not just pornography but all visually sexually stimulating material. I found that I had to eliminate R-rated movies and even some TV shows and PG-rated movies.

It is difficult work. There may also be trust issues in the marriage relationship that need to be healed. That, too, will take time. Research says theoretically that six months of porn-abstinence and relationship work will get the job done. Most people I have talked with as well as my own recovery have needed two or three times that long.

At The Marriage Place we can help. We can address many of these issues through counseling or coaching. In the privacy of your own home via phone or video chat we can customize a plan for you to recover and heal from pornography.  Give us a call at 972-441-4432 OR fill out the contact form here, and we can set up a free 15 minute consult.  You can ask questions and talk to your coach to see if you feel comfortable moving forward.

Contact us here for more info on saving your marriage!  We do this because we are good at it….and because we care.

-Eric

 

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