When Your Spouse Wants A Divorce And You Don’t

 

SpouseWantsDivorceYouDontI hear it often.

“My spouse wants a divorce, but I don’t.  What can I do?”

Are you in a marriage you want to save but your spouse is ready to call it quits?

You aren’t alone.

Just before a couple separates, one partner usually gets to a place where they are fed up.

He/she is done talking.

They don’t want to work it out.

For them, it is over.

But the other partner wants to save the marriage.

They see their world falling apart and they begin to panic. For them, it is time to fight harder.  But invariably, they do all the wrong things to try and save the marriage.  In their panic and desperation, they cannot see how their actions are pushing their partner even further away.

It is human nature to want to pursue what you need and want.  But sometimes, you have to act opposite to your instincts in order to get what you want.

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If you want to try & save your marriage, this is the time for you to start making drastic… Click To Tweet

There are no guarantees, and you have to remember that you cannot control the decisions your partner makes, but I’ve seen amazing things happen when one person in the marriage begins making positive changes.

Please understand and remember that these are actions YOU need to take.

What to do when your spouse wants a divorce and you don’t

1.  The worst thing you can do at this point is to beg your spouse to stay.

In your panic, you may be crying and pleading for them to change their mind.  You may be promising to change everything about yourself they don’t like.  But this isn’t appealing.  It comes across as pathetic.

It NEVER works in your favor!  If your spouse says they want out, they may have been mentally preparing themselves for a long time…often years. Their response to your begging is probably going to be “too little too late” and it solidifies their resolve to end the marriage. This isn’t the time to push for marriage counseling if your partner is resistant to the idea.

However, don’t agree to leave the house if your spouse asks you. Be kind in your refusal but it gets much harder to save the marriage when one of you moves out.  You can’t stop your spouse from leaving, but do not offer to be the one who moves out first.

2. Stop doing things to make it worse.

Sounds simple, but for you to really grasp this concept you have to be willing to understand what role you play in the problems your marriage is experiencing.

If you have been having affairs, STOP NOW.

If you have been critical and complaining.  STOP NOW.

If you have been blowing up and losing your temper, STOP NOW.

If your response to reading this is “But what about when he/she does……” put your focus back on saving the marriage not on who is at fault. This isn’t the time to get angry and start blaming.

If you want to save your marriage, you better be prepared to focus only on how you contributed to the breakup…for now.

Remember, your spouse is done talking.  You have to start changing you.  It’s time to take a personal inventory of your flaws.

This can be a particularly painful process and you may need to see a counselor/coach to help you figure this out but don’t hesitate to do this. Counseling is cheaper than divorce. Click To Tweet

Since you have little control over your spouse’s behavior, your job is understand your own behavior and stop doing whatever is damaging the relationship.

3. Stop putting pressure on your spouse.

It is likely you are asking your spouse to try “one more time”.  You are probably asking them to go to counseling.

If you suspect your spouse is having an affair, you may be spying or tracking their social media.  Stop NOW!

If your goal is to save the marriage, you are going to have to back off all the places you are pressing.

If your goal is to stand up for yourself and set healthy boundaries, you are probably going to be divorced.  I promise…there will be a time for this but it isn’t now.  Your spouse is already feeling trapped.  Any attempt you make to change him/her will be interpreted as “smothering”.

This isn’t the time to make any demands.

4. Understand how your behavior has affected your spouse & caused them to want a divorce

Again, I caution you to avoid blaming.  It is never entirely your fault when a marriage goes wrong, but your objective isn’t to be proven right.

It is to save your marriage.

At some point, you have said or done things that have been hurtful to your spouse.  It’s time to own it.

Put yourself in your spouse’s shoes as much as possible.  What did they experience when you behaved the way you did?  Focus on their pain and loneliness. Talk to a counselor/coach who can help you get a better understanding of your actions and their consequences.

5. If your spouse wants to work on the marriage instead of heading straight for divorce, get professional help.

This isn’t the time to stick your head in the sand and hope things will improve.

You are going to cause more damage if you make a bunch of promises to change things but don’t seek out some professional help to make sure those changes stick.

You will invariably fall back into old patterns.

Invest in counseling or coaching to help you put healthy habits in place that will keep your relationship healthy and thriving.

Even if you have tried counseling before and felt it was a waste of time, you can’t afford to give up.   I know from personal experience that it works.  Read my story here.

*******For Part 2 of this blog post click here.

For more free resources and info on how to get help with this situation, visit our coaching site at www.engagewithlove.com  You can download the free ebook that gives a much more detailed list of what to do when your spouse wants a divorce and you don’t or buy the Re-Engage Toolkit that will teach you exactly how to save your marriage!

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268 thoughts on “When Your Spouse Wants A Divorce And You Don’t

  1. i have a question of my own………and it is this………is it ok for my husband to go to my journals without my permission.?

    1. I am in this situation. We have been married 18 years, two great kids 6 and 12 good life with business and nice cars. She comes home the day after valentines day and says she does not love me or want to be with me and had been unhappy for ten years. My world was blown apart by this. 8 weeks in to a silly trial seperation and I have done everything wrong. Tried to save it, been like a maid in the house and bent over more than backwards. The problem is she tells me one thing (apparently I’m. Mistaking her kindness ) and then texts friends to say he is trying so hard and he is a changed man but I don’t want him. When I herd this I fly off the handel so stupidly as j think what ever I do is wrong. We have just spent 5 days in disney which had ups and downs..wf get home at 10.30 pm and before I can upload the car I get sorry I want a divorce asap. Yiu woukd have thought it could have waited till morning.
      I have asked her if we can seperate and not divorce and maybe in 12 months time we might realise we have made a mistake but I’m sure that will fall on death ears. I’m not a saint and have never cheated but she can’t understand why I’m upset and suspicious she has locked her phone, changed passwords on email and facebook .
      However assures me there is no one else and swears on the kids life regularly there is no one else.

      Won’t lie I’m lost without her and had the kids for my first weekend alone and hated every second as it just feels wrong.

      I know I have blown it by trying to save our marrige and now I’m contemplating taking my own life as I am so destroyed by losing the love of my life.

      So if your in this situation take this advice from the main post. I wish I had read this 8 weeks ago

      1. I’m in the same position as you. I have thought about ending my life as well. Try to be strong…your kids need you and try to think of yourself in a positive light! You are worth it…someone would love to love you and you them. You are not a victim…take control of you! Give yourself a year and make it a positive one. Love your kids…pay compliments to you wife…and if she really wants to leave let her…allow yourself to let her go with love. Wish her the best and hope she, as you find true happiness. I have told my wife that I just want to see her happy…what more can I ask for? I obviously couldn’t bring her that…so I hope she or someone else can. Sometimes admitting this to yourself can be freeing…Allow yourself to be happy…has she brought you that? My wife has mad me miserable…and that’s not me. I want me back…the guy who had great friends…the guy that everyone liked.

        1. Dwayne hope you get back to being you, currently im kicked out of the house, wife said she didn’t love me, I blew up big time (no violence) but it scared her and she never wants me again. she did make me happy but I realise why she fell out of love with me, I had changed, I can finally see that now and am taking steps to get back to who I should be. whether she will see the work im putting in or whether it will make any difference I don’t know.
          what I do know is even if she still says no, I am going to be a better person within myself and have so much more to give my next partner

        2. Wow
          I feel like this is all I can do now too
          My husband filed for divorce and I was against it but was almost out the door when he told me he didn’t want me to leave
          So I stayed and we worked it out. That was 6 months ago and just weeks ago he has started to turn again to saying he’s not happy. I feel like at this point all I can do is let him find whoever it is that will make him happy. I’ve lost a lot of me to be in this marriage and I’m not happy either but far more willing to work at it. He doesn’t want to work at it, he thinks it should just be good. I’ve done all the trying I can and don’t know what else to do.

          1. Hi,
            I’ve just stumbled upon this.
            My husband of 4years has just said to me this morning that he wants a divorce because he doesn’t love me or want to be with me. I didn’t even know we had problems large enough to consider divorce. Apparently he has been feeling this way for months and didn’t know how to tell me. Yet just 3months ago we had an amazing 2week holiday , we just spent Easter with his family and everything was fine and now he doesn’t want to be with me anymore.
            I don’t know where to start what to do.

        3. I am striving to get to this position. Yours are wise words. The thing I find hardest is the confusion this is causing my children. It sounds as though you have reached some light at the end of the tunnel. I guess I know it’s out there but at the moment everything just seems dark. It is refreshing to find other blokes who are able to express their feelings and communicate, thanks mate!

        4. I thought your comments were said so succinctly. You seem like a really kind person to wish your wife happiness. I too am dealing with someone who makes me miserable and makes me not like me.

        5. Two weeks ago my wife told me that after 21 years of marriage/26 years of being together, she wants a divorce. That she needs to find herself. That she needs to discover what it is that makes her happy and that there has to be more to life. She told me hasn’t loved me for 2 years now. This really hurts! We have two fantastic kids (12, 11). My wife is 44 and admits she is going through a midlife crisis. I was completely shocked and I still am. I made all the mistakes when she told me. I begged, I asked her to go to counseling, told her I would change everything about me. She tells me that it’s not me, it’s her. Sounds like a Seinfeld episode right. Now, I’m just trying to concentrate on our kids. They are crushed. Counseling starts this week for me and the kids. She now goes out several times a week, dressing very differently, uses teenage words and phrases. The person I fell in love with must be gone, because I don’t know who this person is. I told her over the weekend that I loved her and that the kids and I support her to explore her own path and to find what makes her happy in life. I know it’s not me! Signed: just trying to cope.

          1. Hey Jeff, the begging and pleading comes naturally to most of us when we feel like we are losing something that is important to us. Unfortunately as you’ve seen personally, it doesn’t usually get us what we are wanting. That doesn’t mean that you can’t do things differently now though and it sounds like you are already starting on that path. Boundaries are going to be an important part of this process and if you are interseted, my coaches can help. Feel free to reach back out here or by calling, emailing or texting my office. Kim

      2. Dude I feel your pain. I’m going through the same with my husband. We’ve been together 13 years married 8 have a daughter. I like you bent over backwards for him but he Seems hell bent on leaving. He did cheat on me but came to me crying saying I deserve better… anyways I did try to take my life husband found me called 911 and now stuck with a huge bill And now my daughter hurts even more and I feel awful about it. As shitty as it seems death will only hurt your kids more then they may already feel.

      3. Ive been with my husband for 18 tears & married for 15. We have 1 daughter together. My husband recently told me he was leaving the family home. Hes assured me that there is no one else involved. Hes told me that he still cares for me but said hes not felt happy in our home for a while. He ststes tthat ive done nothing wrong at all & its all been his choice. I am totally devestated & have been ill over this for weeks now.

        1. Sarah I’m in the same situation. Been together 20 years, married 16. I truly thought everything was great and he tells me he’s not happy. I’m distraught. It’s so hard not to fall apart in front of my son.

          1. After 251/2 years, I overheard my husband talking to another woman sexually on Jan 30th. They were having phone sex.
            Meanwhile he was lying to me telling me there will never be another. …your the love of my life.
            So when I opened his door to his room he was shocked that I caught him then he said well good. It’s better you know. …then he tells me he’s talking to his gf. ….wtf gf!!!! I never felt like killing anyone more than him. …but he’s not worth it. ….so now I act like it doesn’t bother me and he’s still talking day in and day out. …after I gave him 25 yrs. His gf he known about 10 days. …Really wow..im totally feeling disappointed betrayed and mad and sad but the worst is when you feel like you can’t trust your heart to no man. ….seriously. …..

          2. Married for four years. Had an emotional affair with someone but never became sexual. She decided to tell me that she had sex with someome just to get back at me because she felt so hurt and didnt tell me for two years. We kept hurting each other back and fourth and then she started to have emotional affairs with other men now. Whats crazy? I still want to work on our marriage. I love her and i want us to love each other again and do whats needed tk be back together. We are not sepreated at the time. We have a daughter together and yet tells me “im in not love with You ” and “my heart cant let myself love you”.

          3. Darmand, The “You hurt me, I’ll hurt you” is a vicious vicious cycle. It’s what happens when one’s been hurt and hasn’t learned the skills or doesn’t have the tools to work through the hurt as a functioning adult. Instead we resort to what we knew as a child and hit back. There are things you can do that can help yourself and give your relationship a fighting chance. Setting boundaries is one of them and we can help you learn how to do it right. You can’t change her, you can only change you. But you’d be surprised how your changes can cause her to, in turn, to change as well. If you’d like to talk to someone on my team, please call us. Kim

        2. Wow, I have had the thoughts of suicide as well, but I know my faith in God won’t allow that. I’m so torn as my wife of 4 years hit me with the “D” word as well. Said she’s gonna start the paperwork this week. No cheating on my part, not sure about hers, this just came out of the clear blue. We tried 1 session of counseling & her whole demeanor in counseling was that she’s done…after counseling, she said no need to return & that she’s had enough of me. Hardest thing in the world to hear. She never really wanted to marry me

          1. Ive been with my wife for 4.5 years… married for 2.5. I like you… I have always been kind, warm, loving, and caring and supportive to her. She use to tell me she didnt wanna marry me before we got married. I was well into her… But I was objective in our relationship and asked her “what she wants” and whether or not she really wants to marry me, if she doesnt then its okay, she can go her way and i mine. But we got married… Things have been very stressful. But at the same time we have achieved alot of great things together and alot of happy times and laughed together quite a lot.

            My wife use to be married before me for 6 years. She owned her own house, and had lots of money. She is a good woman… and I will neber take that away from her. But she came into Islam, and she had to leave her husband because she said there was no relationship and that it felt as though she was with her brother. She tried for 6 years but nothing happened… So she had to leave, especially after coming into Islam. Her family (mum dad) also disowned her. She was living alone for a few years before we met at a social community gathering and were introduced together. We got along so well and we still do… But I am young and inexperienced and do not know how to be in a relationship but I try my best. I am not financially well off and I am trying ot build my business that she supports too. We live at home with my parents and we have our own space… She has her own space. She has tried to adjust the best she can and has done a fantastic job of it.

            The problem was that everytime she got stressed or angry she wuld show it to me and I would always feel the blade from her wrath first. Sometimes it would be verbal abuse, cusses, belitling and putting me down and sometimes physical abuse. Ive never laid a finger on her but only to restrain her. I can also count the number of times we have been intimate throughout our 2.5 years of marriage once or twice a month, or if im lucky it was a few more times… But the feeling i got was that she either didnt feel atrracted to me whilst living with me in our situation (her; coming from a place where she had her own home and money and independance to living at my house with my paents, and having no home of her own and money). I always try my best and try to make the best decisions but I began to react to her irational hatred and abuse to me and harboured it deep within and whenever she criticised me I would get defensive. I would argue with her and I awould argue with people at home when being accused or spoken down to. I hate that about me because I was never like that… Thats not me. But I let the sitution take conrol over me and never grew in that respect even though I tried and am still trying.

            She would always suspect me and accuse me of cheating on her by finding old playful messages between me and other girls on FB. I never beleived in having girlfriends and sex before marriage so i was virgin. And it hurts even more because I wanted to share that with someone special who I spend the rest of my life with. Now, in the last 2 months she found some old songs that i wrote to a girlwe knew in our community and the lyrics were somehwat unpleasant even to me now. But she found it and she printed it out and showed it to me and got really upset about it. She also saw an old conversation I had with my cousin about one of his friend and asked “to sort me out iwth her” and as a playful comment only. She found out I messaged both of them privaely after going through my facebook messages which I thought were innocent. I mesaged one of them congratulating them of their recent marriage and the other was for business purposes. I do building work so I heard from my cousin that his friend wanted some plastering done so I messaged her and introduced my services. But my wife saw the messages and felt so betrayed after a nice evening out too and basically went crazy. I thought we sorted out those issues since and it has been 4 weeks since it happened. I have been feeling like she is keeping her distance as she has not been talking to me properly, avoids all contact and time alone and always gets ticked off with me for all the small reasons. And I too was trying to understand why she was behaving lke that. I thought we resolved out issues… But recently she said to me “What would you do if i left u and went back to my mums and became non-muslim” I said (thinking shes joking) that Ill just build my 2 businesses up and continue with life OR I may sell up and make some more money through jobs and move abroad to malaysia or something… Well litle did i know that she was being serious. I approached her and beofre doing so I consulted with a counsillor and I had to separate myself emotionally with her before appraoching her. It took me 1 week before I got around to building that courage to ask her straight up “whats going on… do you want to continue being married to me, or would you like to divorce?” And she answered me and I sat there and took it all. I took all the reasons she gave for not being attracted to me anymore and was called a boy “not many enough for her” and she literally took me apart. dismantled me. Things like me being argumentative and what not and getting defensive and angry I owned up to, the rest I had to swallow. Because I wanted her to own this decsiion that she has to make, and not be influenced by my patheticness or my emotions. So at the end of it all, I said to her, if u feel uve wasted 2.5 years, then imagine if this continues and if u fall pregannt, what then? Right now, if you decide thats it, then Im happy for u and will always wish u the best. But think and let me know” She said she was tired and wanted to sleep… She was very anrgy all throughout the talk and so tired too… lol… I said goodnight and let her sleep.

            Given her some time to decide. So im waiting for the painful or pleasant news… Whatever happens I need to work on myself and take this as a lifes lesson and build myself to grow positively. But I am so hurt inside… after 4.5 years for me of completely giving myself to the woman i loved and trusted just told me I am no good for her. I just feel proper Fu**ed up right now…

          2. I feel your pain. 6 years of marriage and the wife told me she didn’t love me anymore. Two beautiful children. Our marriage has had numerous struggles but I am one to believe you work hard to protect the marriage and work through them. I am devastated as I have finally agreed to let her go after 2 years of trying. I know she didn’t love me when we married now. However, it doesn’t matter. We had wonderful times we worked through.

        3. Wow. I have the same story. Is it midlife crisis or just wishful thinking that happiness will float down from the heavens because that is what they say they don’t have?l because of someone else. Time to take some responsibility and do some looking into the mirror.

      4. There’s some useful tips in this article and I also highly recommend the guide at: http://www.savemymarraigetoday.pw

        Please don’t take your life, things will get better. At the moment it’s just important to get through each day and remain positive. I know that’s way easier said than done. I realised you wrote this comment a few months ago, how did things turn out?

      5. How are things? I too feel my life will be a death sentence if I really lose my wife. I have just signed a lease and found a great job but I have to move 2 hours away. I havnt moved out yet but I’m do to in 3 weeks. It says don’t move out in the advise above. What do I do? If I dnot move out I’ll lose my job. That will really make her divorce me.

      6. You are not alone. I just got the D bomb dropped on me even after working so hard to save our marriage. This pain is completely unbearable!

      7. I feel for you, so so much buddy. I am currently going through the same thing. She is still in the house but does not love me and wants to leave. I made mistake of begging and asked to go to couples counselling but shestates there is nothing to fight for….Hope it is not to late for me.

        1. Don’t beg or ask for counseling. I don’t believe it helps. Both parties have got to want to work it out for counseling to work. My husband dropped the “D Bomb” on me 7 wks ago. He told me there was no possible way to work it out even though we have been happy for 20 yrs. Then after telling our children, he changes his mind and wants to work it out. “Big Red Flag” I stuck with it for 7 wks, and he changes his mind again. States that he “tried”. Now my kids and I are all hurt and confused. Now I know that I can’t change how he thinks and feels. He’s got to want to change. If you don’t have that in your partner, don’t bother. I’ve now got to look out for me and my kids.

          1. Yeah I agree, I constantly request that she at least be open to that, and she ignores me. Nothing left to do but pray and wait.

        2. What do you do if that is the situation.
          How can you love someone one day and the next you don’t.
          That’s what my husband just said to me, “I don’t love you anymore”
          How?

          1. That’s what I’ve been asking myself for weeks now. We are married for almost 3.5 years (together for nearly 6 years) and one day he disappears for 3 days (doesn’t answer my calls, no idea where he is…) he comes back and says he wants a divorce. He doesn’t love me anymore. Swears he isn’t cheating on me.
            How do you go from “crazy in love” to “I want nothing to do with you”? In a matter of days…
            He says I don’t make him happy (he’s admitted to being depressed in the recent past). He says I’m not the same person he married (or thought he was marrying).
            He agreed to 6 months of counseling with me to at least talk through the damage we have done to each other; but after 2 sessions he quit.
            Yesterday he got a new cell phone number and refuses to give the number to me. He has a daughter whom visits for the entire summer and I usually care for her (stay at home wife).
            I wrapped so much of myself into him in such a short amount of time… I don’t know how to begin finding myself again, and to be honest, I liked… No LOVED who I was with him. I don’t even know where to start picking up the pieces. The pain and heartbreak doesn’t stop or fade.

          2. Oh Stephanie, I’m so sorry to hear this. The feelings of pain and heartbreak are real and to be expected. If you haven’t done so already, please consider reaching out to us and let one of my coaches walk this path with you. There are things you can be doing to help yourself and potentially the relationship too, even if your husband isn’t trying. Wishing you the best, Kim.

      8. I am pretty much in the same boat now. At some time I realised I couldnt save her From the Despair and depression she suddenly fell into, or save the marriage….she has been stewing on a course of action for too long. I guess we have to focus on the children. I feel that my wife and I ( somehow) have let them down…2 boys 8 and 11. I feel that the world has come to an end, but I know deep down that it has not. I think it is the sense of shock, the unexpectedness, that is hardest to bear. Reality doesn’t seem that real anymore does it mate. I share your pain, I feel your anguish, you are not alone.
        I love your line ‘you would have thought it could’ve waited till the morning’. We should all form a club, the sad dad cafe. I don’t know about you, But it just seems so lonely. It would be useful to know how are you are now feeling a year on. Hope all is well. Peace and serenity

      9. I have been going through the same thing for the past three months, my husband determined to end the marriage and i am devastated, however, I don’t know what to do and most of all, is it worth it to do it ? to save something that is broken ? I will never be the same after this, yes I love him, and I hate him doing this to me as well.

        1. I have been married for one year and I found out 4 weeks ago that he had been sleeping with prostitutes.
          I was going to forgive him for this as I started sleeping in another room and we weren’t having sex.

          The last time we had a conversation about what he had done to me he said I can’t take no more of this
          I want a divorce, I’ve tried to make him change his mind but he won’t.
          I can’t handle this as I still love him.

          1. …if you don’t mind me asking, have you simply tried having sex with him? Sex typically doesn’t fix things, but from how i am taking it, is that maybe all he wanted was to be be intimate with you…and once you voluntarily moved yourself out of your marital room and bed, maybe he took it as you saying you didn’t want to sleep in the same bed with him, let alone the same room…he possibly took it as you saying it was over. I mean, if my husband started sleeping in a different room in the house, I’d be like “uh WTF are you doing in there, go camping?” I would totally take it that he never wanted to have sex with me EVER again. And that he did not find me sexually attractive anymore, and then that starts making you feel self-conscious and so on and so forth…it just snowballs from there. Its very possible that doesn’t happen in every situation like that, but it’s just not plausible. Sex effects so much more than people realized….I’m sure there are plenty of you out there who will disagree with my opinion, but that is completely ok because what works for me, probably won’t work for you. You can always attempt to just walk up to him and ask him if he feel like getting a little sweaty? Or ask him if he can do you a “solid” favor (lol couldn’t resist), hopefully he asks what it is and go from there…as long as he’s going along with it, but i don’t think I have ever heard about some random, mysterious man that turned an offer, especially lone like that.

      10. As for you, you and I are in the same vote. We both are going through the same problem. I have two beautiful kids and I have been married for 16 years. I met my husband in college. We graduated together. After last year of 2014 My husband said he doesn’t want anything to do with me. The worst part of it all. I suspected my husband of having an affair. My husband was too friendly. I confronted this women and it just made matters worse. My husband told me he wants a divorce but I don’t. It will affect my kids. So I know it’s like to have lifetime with someone that out of the blue they want to leave you because they just care or love you anymore. You get mad because you blame yourself when the whole time. It is them. I have realized when you stop chasing your wife. And you start working out and looking fine. And ignore her. Keep being a good dad. Work hard on yourself and your self image. She will see a difference in you and she will come back.

        1. Long Post

          Not sure about my wife wanting to stay. We had a few blowup arguments, But during the 3 weeks now I have lost 10 lbs with another 10 to go before I start to have abs again. I do everything I can with the kids but working 6 days a week makes it difficult. I shave my face once every 2 days now and I have a secret stash of Whitening tooth paste. Also a haircut is a good option. Even after 3 weeks we still hug, Kiss and even have sex (though she claims she gets nothing out of it her body language tells me different). If you still hug and kiss use some decent body spray! Believe it or not hearing the words’ ” Emm You smell good” has an overpowering effect on your mind. It also makes your partner notice you and the fact that you now have a new improvement. It also makes them wonder who exactly you are trying to impress. So this could backfire a little bit. It really depends on the situation. With mine My wife is sending mixed signals.

          At week 3 after she dropped the D-Bomb on me we are now watching tv together (still on separate parts of the sectional). She has dropped her complaints about me being upstairs. But she has neglected the health paperwork that the Insurance is asking for. (It’s a Union based insurance plan so every time you go see the doctor you need to fill out a paper to verify that you did indeed see a doctor). Take note here I do about 95% of all the house work. and I have been for about 2 years now. Before that it was more shared. She talks about things that need to be done around the property that makes me wonder why in the hell would I even be interested in doing it if we are getting divorced. She is also the queen of Subtle hints…Problem is I’m a man that doesn’t get them..Like ever…I don’t Drink, do any illegal drugs nor am I abusive in the psychical forms. However I do drink alot of Energy Drinks, I smoke Cigarettes (trying to switch over to a vape pen) And the worst I do is say nasty shit when I’m really upset or barely awake. I also say nasty stuff when I sleep talk apparently. My biggest flaw in all the 14 1/2 years married with 2 1/2 years not married is that I am a huge Video Gamer. Going as far as to create a youtube channel devoted to it. She unfortunately has no interest in any of it save more the lone Mario game. We would go out to movies, the bar, amateur wrestling events, and we used to throw parties. That mostly all stopped this summer after I scheduled a week of vacation after working 6 weeks in a row @ 6 ten hour days. She was more than hot after that. I was really tired since those weeks were over the winter holidays. Who wouldn’t be tired after working 360 hours in 6 weeks? I slept almost 3 days before I could stand up strait and function like a normal person again. She was upset over the fact that I didn’t schedule a week off in the summer… The kicker’s (yea more than one) I get 5 1/2 weeks of vacation a year, I scheduled every other weekend off in the summer and If she had asked instead of getting angry and waiting until after she dropped the D-bomb on me I could have canceled my little weekends and took a week or two off in a row For a family trip.

          Oh yea she also bottles up her emotions and erupts at semi regular intervals. Then she throws a crying fit and to be honest I’m just tired of them. After all every time she has one I have to change something. My favorite was when I was the one who was working out and she called me out on having too much energy and making her feel like she was being used for sex. So I decided right there that me asking for sex would become an uncommon event. If she wanted it she had to ask for it. And on top of it I gained weight to slow myself down. Fast forward 1 year and she started to work out. For a whole month when I noticed her wanting more and more sex I said no more often for a month strait. Her friend told me she understood how I felt. Anyhow point is that every time she had a crying fit I made a new rule to live by. Only after she dropped the D-Bomb on me did I tell her about the self imposed rules. I just wanted to make sure that I wouldn’t get into a heated argument again over the same thing.

          What I did wrong was the whole not asking for sex too often (before I was even working out we were rather frisky for a 10 year old marriage) and my Video Game addiction combined ran down her emotions to the point where she just gave up. And that’s what she tells me now. She doesn’t want to move forward and she is done. Like flipping a light switch and calling it a day. That quick and that sudden she decided in a instant. On the other hand I have done same thing. I boxed up 95% of my gaming stuff, Painted a wall pink in my game room to be used as a border for my movie and game posters—Wich is now an oil painting and movie posters. (she got mad because I painted one wall in my game room instead of the dining room)…I didn’t know she wanted to do that…Ladies if your still reading we men can not read minds, we have short memories and need to be reminded often and sometimes its best to just write down on a calendar an event. Also don’t ask us questions like,” Are you interested in watching this movie?”. When you really mean, “Will go to the movies with me and the kids tonight”. No man unless he has a Disney fetish wants to go a Disney movie. But, We are more than willing to go see one if it makes our kids and wife happy. And you might say the your man should just go…Remember If you want him to go then you need to ask him if he will join you as a family event and not just if he has any interest in it. That’s like asking for apples and getting oranges then getting made at the produce guy because he speaks a different language than you.

          Another note for the Ladies: We men speak a completely different language than you. Believe it or not when we are Making love we are talking to you through our bodies and emotions. With every Kiss, Lick and Thrust is the same as saying I love you times whatever huge number you can’t put words to from the top of your head. We also need sex more often than women. In the last 2 weeks me and my wife had 4 days where we went without. I was suffering withdraw symptoms like I did when I was a teen suffering through Heroin withdraw. Trust me when your freezing cold and sweating bullets because your body isn’t getting something it has come to depend on for good feelings it sucks! No sex toy will ever replace the Emotional connection of a warm body. Sex is a drug and we are all addicts. Some of us are just more dependent on it than others.

          Ok I could write 100 more pages But I think I’ll stop here. If I see a flow of comments in my inbox I might be able to write some more if there is interest in my life story or people wanting Life notes that I have included in the bottom.

      11. If you EVER think about taking your life please think of how your kids would feel without you! If you can’t do it for yourself do it for them and ask for Gods help. Don’t do it!!

      12. bro it’s a bit suspect that she has changed all her access to social media and phone etc don’t be surprised if there’s a 3rd party in the background she must have something to hide to do all that

      13. I was completely shocked when my husband left. I came home from work the day before we were supposed to leave for vacation and my husband had packed his things, taken all our money, and left the country. I found divorce papers 2 days later after his friend told me where I could find them. It’s only been 1 week since this happened and I still have not talked to him or know where he is.

      14. My wife of 13 years, together for 18 left me in March, moved to Florida. She is an alcoholic that lead me to believe that she was living by herself, but the whole time has been living with a guy. She had led me to believe there might be hope of her coming back. Our daughter had a baby 10 days ago, my wife came back to town for that but would not communicate with me. talked to a lawyer about divorce, not sure if she has filed? says she doesn’t love me anymore. She said i am the reason she drinks, but why does she continue to drink now that has been away from me for this long. I am sure i have done everything one can do to cause problems in our relationship. Things really manifested themselves a little over four years ago when she lost her job and has not worked since? Just dove deeper into drinking! Thing is i still love her.

      15. Im in the same situation too for the second time. If she doesnt love you, it’s ok. There will be someone else, just knowing who is the right one is the hard decision. I have been depressed much. But i know things will get better. It’s a hard road ahead. But I know you and I will make it through somehow. I hate it for the kids. I don’t want to not be around them. It hurts me deeply to know the love of my life doesn’t care for me at all. Is love real, I don’t know, i wish it was still for me.

      16. sorry to hear that and Im have been married to my wife for over 25 years and sometimes she threatens me she wants to leave but my response is wow, why, and what have I done. It happens almost every time we get into a fight she threatens me and now I tell her go get the damn papers and ill be more than happy to sign them. I feel bad about tell her that but I,m tired of the threats I get from her.

        1. Ray, your wife’s threats and lashing out are signs that she is hurting, but it is also form of emotional abuse. Nothing will get better until you both learn how to communicate in a way that is healthy. This is the type of work we do with our clients everyday.

      17. Do not take ur life no one is worth that I felt the same
        With my divorce in 2006

        I’m gong through a divorce separation now and in same
        Spot w the spouse wanting to divorce

        I say pray hold on and let GOD make u a better person

        If they walk it’s on them

        Choose peace don’t fight don’t argue and don’t beg or grovel

      18. I’m in the same boat as well. My husband and I have been together for seven years. We have two young kids together. We had a huge fight with his family and I thought we had gotten over it but he says he wants to leave me. I told him to try for our family. He said he will give it a month. So I’m thinking he is actually trying and so am I. We have been busy with little ones just moved to Florida, we don’t know anyone. So it’s stressful. So the entire time I’m thinking we are trying and he said he already had his mind made up. That he was never happy with me. He wants to be with an Israeli girl to connect more and have the same interests etc… I’m loosing it, I thought this was the man I was going to spend the rest of my life with. Now he just wants to leave me. He said we have no common interests. That we can’t have a conversation. But I feel like every time I try he is just trying to shut down the conversation. Like I’m not good enough because I’m not Israeli. I’m so hurt, I can’t believe I’m going through this. I can’t stay here in Florida, I want to move back to Chicago where My family is. I don’t even know where to start honestly. I’ve given my life to him and now he is just tossing me out his life. He wants me to stay here I don’t know anyone I just really need advice. I’m so lost…and hurt. The only time I’m at ease is when I’m sleeping. I’ve been the homemaker and he has been the one out working and now I’m left with nothing. I want counseling but he doesn’t want us to go. But also I’m petrified that what if the counseling makes it worse. Or tells us to separate. I would love if someone could just give me advice. I’m not judging anyone. He just thinks he will find a new woman and start a family with her. It’s wrong and i don’t even know this person anymore. I want my husband back. We have come so far for this to end just like this.

        1. Natalie, Don’t wait on him to want the help. You can’t change him anyway. You can only work on yourself. And you’d be surprised the impact that, in turn, will have on him. Consider calling my office today and arrange for a free phone consultation with someone on my team. It’ll give you an idea of just how we can help you. Warmly, Kim. 972-441-4432

    2. Very much no, ask him why is he so insecure for him to want to go through your journals like that first of all and make sure you explain to him that you feel violated by him doing that.

    3. I used to get so mad when my husband read my personal thoughts.but in the middle of the fight he said. It’s the only way I know how you are truly feeling. He wasn’t trying to spy on me he was simply trying to understand how to make our relationship better. I understand why he did it. But i told him to stop simply because I didn’t write it for him to read. Try talking to your husband let him know what is going on inside your brain. Communication is very important in a marriage but so is trust!

    4. No it’s wrong Depends on whether you leave it in his view the temptation would be great for him to get into your head and read your most private thoughts maybe put it somewhere out of reach

    5. I have the same question too.. We had been fighting a lot recently and I had no one to share things. I started keeping journal of how I was feeling and how he’d treat me.
      One day while I was leaving (I had to leave coz of work), he got hold of it and started reading. When I opposed, he locked himself in bathroom and came out only when he finished reading. I cried, pleaded him not to, but he didnt listen. After that he kept on taunting me for everything that go ahead and write he did that, etc. etc.

    6. As akin to all other things, it depends!
      It depends what you let the journal know and how you put it.
      If you had written in a way to satisfy your intellect, in other words truth and nothing but the truth, there is something to worry about only if you have done certain things that were pleasurable to you but need to disclosed.
      If you had written the journal like an inspired novelist :), you have nothing to worry about as for your fantasies are supposed to pleasurable to the reader.
      Now, if you don’t know how you have written it, or if it is a mix of the above two cases, then you have something to worry about.
      If you are worried, which is probably why you have asked the question, it is not OK for him to look at the journal without your permission.
      I have the feeling that neither the question nor the answer brings you any peace. The one thing that might help you is to talk to him, and ask him this exact question. “Hey Smith, Is it okay for my husband to go through my journal without permission?”

  2. Michelle,
    That’s an interesting question. It makes me wonder what your husband is afraid of. Does he think you are having an affair? Is it because he is controlling? No matter the reason, it is definitely NOT ok for your husband to invade your intimate, private space. Everyone needs a place where they feel safe to express themselves without judgment. Your journal is your private thoughts. If you were in therapy, it wouldn’t be ok for your counselor to tell your husband what was discussed. My advice is to hide the journals or lock them up. Then, talk to your husband and discuss what he is looking for in them and why. It may open the door for an amazing conversation and give you the chance to ease some of his insecurities. If the conversation goes badly, consider seeing a counselor to help you work through it.

    Hope that helps! 😉

    1. people have different plrionaesties, and people will mean different thing for the same exact same phrase. i would say, most likely, he meant it at that moment. however, it is not what he wants. it is like saying, i feel i want to kill my boss now. but in reality, it is not that i want to put a poison in his coffee and really murder him.i am against elevating things (like saying, yeah, go ahead and file for divorce). the fight turns into a stubbern fight. you might end up divorce just to please your ego. this is the silliest type of divorces.i am also not with begging and playing the poor side type.i am with telling him “look, divorce is an escape of reality. don’t even consider it. we might have problems with each other, but we want each other and we should find a way to do it” if you are still worrying about his comment, you can ask him indirectlylike during warm happy day, when you feel things are working well:” look i never want to divorce you and i know you dont want. let’s promise if we ever reach this stage again, we will work things out, not escape to something that we both dont want to”so, even if he thought about it, he will feel silly and change his mind

    2. Hi Kim,

      I have a question for this privacy thingy. My wife is currently contemplating a divorce with me due to my previous hurtful words and financial situation and lastly for invading her privacy recently after i found out her being suspicious on locking her room door at night in the recent months(I have not been sleeping with her for about 1 year). This thing was I found out that she is engaging raunchy and sexual talks with an unknown person online which she has never met. She is also exposing her looks and sending him her erotic photos upon his requests. I found out and my wife got angry with me invading her privacy. I understand the rational of her actions because she may have felt neglected and unwanted in many ways which the other person may be appreciating but I seriously felt that what she is doing is not right and I had to stop her from falling deeper. Right now, she doesnt seem to understand whats wrong with this action and keep saying,”there is no physical intimacy”, “only distressing talks”, “me invading her privacy.”. So Kim, was I in the wrong to expose her? I gave her privacy and freedom for so many years and I realised it might be a mistake afterall since husband and wife should always be honest with each other. Perhaps you can give me some advices or explanation on why my wife is having full of self righteousness without reflecting on her deeds?

    3. wow sounds just like my wife, she locked cell phone, password protected her laptop, changed password to email.
      Oh and demanded a night out. We had a 2, 5 and 8 year old. Did I get suspicious? No why I trusted her, until she gave me an STD. Tracked her down one night running to a luxury hotel where she would meet her Boss, a successful surgeon. Affair was going on for over a year, fast forward 4 years later and after allowing her to continue with him as I was afraid of how I would cope with the care of the three children. I asked her to leave. If a spouse demand privacy, excuse me its because they’re your surprise or they’re having an affair.

  3. it but i think at the time he just didnt want to be lonely. its hard to say whehter he’s serious or not, ppl do say mean hurtful things out of anger. but, you should ask him again. say i know we’re going to work things out but i cant get tht divorce thing out of my head. can we talk about it? and see where he is coming from and why he said it. while he may have been angry, when we’re angry we say things we always meant to say, you just never meant for the person to actually hear it. or you thought about it you just never said it because you were’nt sure if its what you really wanted. so he got it from somewhere. just talk to him about it see where he’s coming from and let him know how you feel, you both will feel much much better. jazzie

  4. I wish I had read this earlier. I haven’t “begged” for her to stay in the marriage, but, I have definitely asked her to stay several times. And, I got the too little too late response. Also, after about 25 times of asking me to leave and saying if I truly loved her I would, I said I would if I received the equity in the house so I could afford a place. That was a couple of months ago and nothing has changed, so I hope that means she doesn’t want me to go after all. If it came up again, I planned to say that when that offer wasn’t accepted, I hoped that there was hope for us, and renewed my commitment to remain in our family home. I’ve said many times that I don’t want to leave, because I am not giving up on the marriage.

    My question is, what should I do now that I’ve already made a few of these blunders?

    Also, she won’t talk to me much, if at all, and if I don’t make an effort to talk to her, I feel like I’m letting the marriage die. But, if I do, I feel like I’m pushing her away. Instead, I just sit there paralyzed and scared. I say little things like good morning and good night, but, that’s about it. How do I address that situation?

    I truly appreciate any advice you may have. Thank you.

    1. Dear Hurting,

      It is crucial that you start changing the way you behave and respond to your wife if you want to have any hope in saving the marriage. It is never too late to fight for the marriage but the sooner you start the better your chances for success.

      Get in counseling ASAP. Be careful who you choose to see…not all therapists are “pro marriage” Most will wonder why you are wanting to be in a marriage with someone who wants out. That’s why I started PO2. We fight for marriages even if there is only one person fighting…and it works! Our success rate is very high…way above national averages. Interview counselors until you find someone who wants the same thing you want….which is to save the marriage.

      I applaud you for swimming against the social currents that teach marriage is disposable. I wish you the best of the luck on your new journey. If you are local to the Dallas area, we would love to work with you! Keep in touch and let us know how things are going.

      Kim

      1. Thank you so much for the advice Kim.

        Unfortunately I am in Iowa, or I would love to work with you, given your passion for helping marriages survive.

        I am going to head out and search for that book right now.

        Thank you again.

  5. Hi Kim

    My wife wants out of of our marriage but I don’t. I was. She refuses to let me touch her or even talk to me. It has been building up for a while and it has come to this after 13 years. The main issue is after agreeing with her on her decision today was financials and a miscarriage which happened a year ago. I admit that I was not there emotionally for her as I was in a financial rut that cause me my entire standing with law suits and debts and was going out of my way to get myself up again for the sake of my wife and daughter.

    This financial drop happen while I was doing business for he dad. He has caused my downfall and I had to transferred my business to her name which he also had used to get himself out of trouble. I use to nagg about it to her but. Once he is scot free I am left to deal with it on my own and I am now a bankrupt. Thanks to him

    The Misscarriage is the biggest issue but i have managed to understand that I have to work hard to make change her mind.

    Now that my own business has failed she is heading in the same predicament as I am.

    I have agreed to her everything she says and wants and I understand her problem.

    I want to save my marriage really badly. I had a chat with her. I have asked her to identify the root cause but she keeps beating around the bush about history which I already know and will make changes about extended family gatherings. During this chat I was getting a little heated but I left the room to have a smoke to calm down so I can continue.

    I have not begged or argued with after that as I have manage to keep myself calm and collected.

    She cried of relieve and talked even more about what she has to do.

    I told her that I am responsible for this and if I was in her shoes I would do the same.

    I have also told her that I do not blame her for anything and that I can’t change he past but I can do something about the future and I am must be successful because I do not want our daughter to grow up like I did and that I owed it to her to make it again.

    I hope I am on the right track as I know it going to take time by being respectful and helpful with the chores will help me a lot.

    I asked her why she married me in the first place. And she said because I am a good person and that she loves me.

    Please help me what is my next step.

    Thank you so much

    1. Mike,
      I know this a rough time for you…and things can be truly frightening right now. It is important that you not go into “panic mode”. You probably need to stop talking to her about the marriage for a while and give her a chance to see your actions match some of your words. There are so many things you can be doing to improve the ways you talk to her and listen to her that will go a long way in your attempt to save your marriage. We are happy to coach you through this process. Please call us at 972-441-4432 and allow us to work out a plan to help you navigate your way through this. We work with these kinds of situations every day and would love to help.

      Kim

      1. Hi Kim

        Thank you for your reply. I will do that and I would love to call you over the phone but I am all the way in Kuala Lumpur.Malaysia is there any other way to reach you.

        1. Mike,
          I will send you a private email outlining ways we can communicate and my fee structure. I’ve been to Kuala Lumpur and love your city. We went into the mountains (can’t remember the name of the town) but it was one of the most beautiful places I’ve ever been.

          I will be in touch.
          Kim

  6. I have very serious issues & need advice. Been married 17 years & having up & down struggles. We both have comitted adultery & I wish to restore my marriage. I forgave him but he will forgive me & he wants a divorce but I do not.

    1. Nakita,
      I don’t know if you are local to us in Richardson, TX. If you are, I hope you will call and schedule a time to come in. We can absolutely work with you to try and turn things around in your marriage. If you are out of town or in another country, we now offer distance coaching. If you will or email me (from the contact page on the website) I can send you the coaching rates. It could be the best investment you will ever make.

      Hope to hear from you!

  7. I am also needing help. My husband and I have been together 10 yrs and have a beautiful baby. Our life has been great and moving along happily. Just yesterday he tells me he isn’t sure he loves me anymore and he wants out. What do I do? I’m heartbroken and have a small child. I don’t want this. Can you help repair our marriage?

  8. Maratisdale: I can’t guarantee anything, but we do have a lot of success when working with people in your situation. If you are interested, contact me for coaching rates. Be sure to follow the basic guidelines in this post.

  9. My husband of 25 years wants to leave me. The problem is I have not worked for all those years, I married too young and I guess he manipulated me making me think that I should be a housewife instead. I have not control over our finances. He says he will give me some money for me and our son, enough to live well but I don’t think that is enough.What am I going to do after its all gone? Can he just leave, give me whatever he wants and clean his conscience? We had to sell our house to pay debt and now he plans to open a risky business, something that probably is not going to go well either. I don’t know this person anymore, I can’t believe he is treating me like this. Two times before I was the one that tried to leave and he would not let me.talking me into staying with him, promising we would always be together. He went to jail for a misdemeanor for almost two years and I waited for him. Can he just get up now and say bye, bye? I must have a right to more than ” something to survive for a couple of years” !! Please I need advice.

    1. Danlela
      I recommend you contact an attorney in whatever state or country you live in. It is important to be aware of your rights in this situation. You might want to do this soon before he opens a business. Hope that helps!

  10. Hi Kim,
    My husband and I (married 17 years) have been having difficulties for the last year and a half. We tried counselling for 7 months but it was useless, and caused more problems than we already had.

    I wish that I had read your article before now. My husband left 6 weeks ago, and says that he will never return and that he should have done it before. We have two children (14 & 10) who are devastated. We have a cottage, so it was easy for him to leave our home and live there. I feel that now that he has left the house, him returning is impossible.

    He has filed for legal separation, and receiving the papers has destroyed me. I initially begged him to come back, but now our exchanges are very terse and limited to only about the children.

    In your experience, do you see any hope, or should I just do all I can to accept this and move on?

    Thanks so much for your time and interest

    1. Kimberlee,
      I’m so sorry to read about all you are going through. I’m sure the children are devastated…not to mention you. Divorce is as traumatic as losing a limb. Maybe even more so.

      First of all…there absolutely is hope. I always hate to hear about ineffective marriage counseling but it doesn’t surprise me. The average success rate for most marriage counseling is only 25%. Dismal! At PO2 we do things very differently and it works! Our success rate is over 85% because we take a different approach and focus on re-connecting couples emotionally before we focus on problems. We have also worked with many couples in your situation where one is done and the other wants the relationship to work. We would guide you through a process similar to what is described in this article. Many times, the distancing partner re-engages. Once you stop chasing, you give him room to stop fighting against you. Once that happens, it is very possible he will start to soften and if you are doing and saying the right things, he will become interested again in the woman he once loved. We see it happen all the time.

      If you want us to help you with this, contact me by phone or email and let’s talk about how to make this work. PO2 is about to open a coaching center that will allow us to work with people outside of the state of Texas. It won’t be counseling….it will be coaching. If you hire us, we will fight until we are the last person still standing up for the marriage!

      I wish you the best of luck with your situation whether you decide to work with us or not. My heart goes out to your family.

      Blessings on you!
      Kim

      1. I have been with my husband for 15 years and married 10 years. He told me that he wasn’t sure if he was in love with me anymore and then said I love you as a person and the mother of our child. He left and moved in with a friend, and has got a lawyer and paperwork done but I have not been served yet. I have asked him to think about it and I said I would give him time, and all I get back is that he wants to work see his kid and be left alone, now it hurts because this is the love of my life. I have been on his side all the way. He lost 130 pounds and thinks he really looks good, he said that I need to get a job. We have had money problems and we fight about that and also his other son is about to be 16 years old and our son together just turned 12 years old. He asked me to leave him alone and yes I was calling and crying because he has been my world for so long. I would go a day or so then call him back. He as told me I know being mad that he hates me and that he cannot stand my voice anymore and that he would rather blow his head off then be in the same room as me they killed me to hear that and it made me want him more and that is crazy to say. I have followed him. I know I am so wrong for that. and he only wants to talk to me if its about our child only and the few times we have seen each other it has gotten back yelling cussing everything. I know that has helped either. so at this point do I just even him the time? he told me today that he doesn’t think that there will ever be us again. I truly love him and even after all that he has done I would take him back. He told me that he doesn’t even want to make love to me that I do not turn him on at all that he doesn’t look at me like that anymore, all he wants is to work see his kids and be left alone. so I made a promise to not call or text him at all from here on. The only problem is my child has surgery next week and yes he will be there. And is it crazy for me to want him to miss me as much as I have. I cannot eat, sleep, nothing really. I see my child hurting so bad and there is nothing I can do to make it better. So I have been trying to keep us busy. Home isn’t home anymore and we don’t want to be there for we don’t want to be anywhere else if that makes any sense at all, all he tells me is get a job so I have been looking and its hurt when I am trying to out up what he left behind. So am I right by just not calling or text him at all. I want us to work and us be a family more that anything in the world. yea it has been a long 3-4 weeks well he left on 6/21/15 so and we haven’t gone without fighting about something or even without talking, so I told myself today after I asked him one more time please take some time and think and if its a month or so ok but then we work on us and all I got is I haven’t changed my mind yet and I don’t think I will ever change and there will never be an us again and he said that he doesn’t want to try and that no one reading out a book and make him change the way he feels about me right now. So I am not going to talk to him till the surgery and I am hoping to start work soon and me giving him the space he will miss us

  11. Kim, where do I start? I have worked on myself a lot. I started a program to save our marriage and I am doing it alone. It’s a fairly prominent marriage program found online that utilities daily talk charges and weekly gifts. Much of it sounds similar to the basic philosophy you use. I have tried diligently for more than three months, yet get nothing but continued avoidance. My wife is having an affair with our family physician and moved in with him and within a month filled for divorce. What do you typically suggest in this type of situation? I do love my wife of 18+ years and mother of two children dearly.

    1. Christopher,
      I know the program you are using. I do use similar techniques for couples when BOTH want to work on the relationship. I’m not sure how helpful it is in your situation. Here is what I do know…if what you are doing isn’t working you need to try a new approach. People contact me daily because of this blog post and ask me for advice. The problem is….I can’t give advice without getting a complete history of the relationship and assessment of the situation. That would require you to hire me as your coach. My heart goes out to you. I will say this….statistics say this new relationship will most likely end within 12 months. I know that doesn’t help you today. I’m sorry, I wish I could give every one who contacts me the answer that is right for their situation but there is no standard that works for everyone. Each relationship has dynamics that make it unique. What might be perfect for one couple, could be disasterous for another.

      My best wishes to you, Christopher.

      Kim

      1. I would be happy to hire you to give advice about my situation, however I live in Ohio is it possible to have and arrangement through email and/or phone calls?

        Thank you so much.

        Chris

      2. I’ve been married for the 13 years, with 4 kids(12,10,6 and 4)
        my wife wants a divorce coz she does not love me like a husband anymore.
        we had a bumpy marriage, I was on drugs before marriage and messed up.
        so its been a struggle to build…finally after 12 years I have managed to get name cleared but her argument is that we have nothing, we still renting and have no assets. we did qualify for a home loan but she is another trip.
        I am 40 and she is 31 and sais that she is young and want to go out. she has never had a choice of good friend and want to be young again, no problem but don’t I have a right to ask where you are and who you with. if I do ask then the profanity starts and its madness.
        she is on the phone constantly in the room and in the toilet…and just want to be out and about.
        all the cheating signs are there but I am unsure…she told me there is someone else, but I think she is lying.
        she then calls a guy friend to speak about transport and want to meet at a mall in my presence, but I must drop and go.
        she aid she want to leave and blame for not standing up for her all these years…I can deal becoz I have begged her to stay and she sais no go F yourself…”don’t you get it, I don’t want you.”
        I asked her what about the kids, they still small.
        I even told her lets by the home together, but I am scared she might just mess up my name.
        funny enough I paid up her debt then everything changed, so now I have debt and she does not.

        I am shattered, yes I have made mistakes but it does not justify your behaviour, you want to go out Thursday Friday and then sunday, who are you meeting??

        suicide runs through my head all the time…

        1. AJ, If suicide is running through your mind at all…go talk with someone! ASAP! What your wife does or says should not be your first priority right now. It needs to be taking care of yourself. Hugs!

  12. Looking for some perspective…..

    My wife and I have been married for five years, and back in October she told me she was done & wanted a divorce (and had actually gone through and found an apartment for me); needless to say I was completely devistated; I love my wife very much. But I need to give a little background.

    She told me in April of this year that she wasn’t happy & asked what I brought to the marriage; I told her stability, security, I don’t go out to bars and things like that. She was getting on me about things I should have done or maybe let go around the house & not weren’t doing them in a timely manor, and not giving her enough attention. We took on a third party guest back in July of 2012 (it is a friend / former relative of hers) that we were trying to help out while he was seperated from his wife. He stayed at our home for 3 1/2 mo’s and finally moved into an apt. a few blocks away from us (and his wife & kids). While he stayed with us he helped out around the house to help pay his way, etc. but he was there all of the time; how could I even think to get close to my wife when we had to think what’s he doing tonight, or is he going to be home for dinner, etc. I know now I should have said something about this, but I looked at as helping a freind / family member of my wife.

    Anyway back to April. I had suggested then about couples therapy and she said no. So I tried to do things better and thought I was, then we had another talk in August about the same thing; and again brought up about counseling and same response.

    Then the bottom fell out in October – she wanted me out; divorce papers were ready (although she didn’t present to me). Needless to say I didn’t handle it very well. Bottom line was I left – I came back the next day and I had a major blow up at her (which I never have yelled at her like that before); long story short; we had several conversations that day, and it went from get out, we’re getting devorced, to hold off, I need time & space; I was going to get my own checking & banking, and she said hold off. Again, counsoling was still a no.

    I apologize for such a long winded story, but there is alot that has happened. A week ago Monday, this all came crashing in on me as I ended up in the hospital with chest pain, etc. all turned out to be anxiety. For that entire week, I ignored her attempts to contact me (all via texts); I waited until this past Monday when I dropped off a letter & rose to her. In the letter I expressed my love, my shortcomings and took responsibility for my lack of attention, whatever. (Again, there is no infidelity on my part, drinking, drugs, etc). My emotional shut down took a nose dive when the friend entered the picture. Anyway, she contacted me after getting the letter and we met for dinner to talk. She continued to say she didn’t want to be married anymore & that she doesn’t love me; but she now wants us to go to couples therepy to find out why we failed (because we both had been married before as well). I am still getting mixed signals from her & I believe she has yet to fully breakdown and let everything out. I am still the bag guy, and she continues to point out my shortcomings, and has yet to take any responsibility or blame, and dismisses all of the positives in our marriage.

    I look at the fact that she now at least wants to go to counseling as a positive; but I have a great deal of uncertainty going forward. Any one out there with a similar situation, or can give me any advice? I have been making some changes in my life – exercise more; I read as much as I can about these kind of scenarios, and marital problems, emotional distance, etc. to get some perspective on things. (our first session is next week)

  13. Need some help.

    My wife told me she wants to separate about 2 months ago and moved to her mom’s last
    Monday. This has really devastated me because I don’t want to lose the person in my life that I love the most. Do give you a better idea of what is going on I will give you a background.

    About 2 months ago she said she wanted to separate and she said she has been feeling this way for awhile but didn’t really come to the surface until I went somewhere while she was gone and left my phone at home, on purpose, so she couldn’t contact me. I understand this was a horrible thing to do and I regret it. We had another talk about a year ago when she said she wanted to separate after she found out I was texting my ex. We were able to work through that mainly because she was willing enough to come back the same night and work things out. She did say she would only stay if we went to counseling and I stopped talking to my ex and would communicate better. She tried to get me to go to counseling but I just shrugged it off and we never went. I now realize that I took my marriage for granted and thought since everything seemed better I didn’t need to fix anything. Just to let you know I have never been a great communicator through our relationship. If we got into a fight I would just shut down and ignore her for hours and sometime days.

    She said after the problem last year and not much changed she was ready to leave and it is too late to work anything out. She stayed for a little bit because I was willing to go to counseling and we did start going even though she didn’t really want to and thought it wouldn’t work. We went for a couple of sessions and it helped me A LOT but didn’t seem to make a difference for her. She then decided to leave and stay at her mom’s for a weekend or more to be able to think of what she wants to do. It started on a Saturday morning we went to her grandmother’s for an annual get together. After that we went to her mom’s church for a pig pickin’ to spend time with her mom and her old friends from when she went to the church. Once that was over we decided to go back to her mom’s and spent a little time there and I told her I was going to go home with the kids, which we agreed on before the at started, and she went in the other room and talked to her mom. She came back in and said she wanted to talk. I went into the room and she started crying and apologizing for trying to leave. She started hugging and kissing me again, which she hadn’t done since she said she wanted to separate. We went home together and everything was good for a couple of days. We went to our counseling session that following Monday and he was very happy to see we were getting better. I had never been as loving and caring as I was during the time period since we started going to counseling. After a few days I could tell she was getting back to the way she was feeling when she said she wanted to separate. I tried to help and talk about what was going on. She said her feelings were going back to the way they were but things were better between us than before.

    During this time our counselor told her she needs to talk to another counselor one on one because she was so determined to separate. To make a long story short the counselor said she couldn’t think through all of her emotions and needed to take medication to help. About a week later I could really tell her feelings were going back to the way they were and I told her that even though as much as I hate to say it she should go to her mom’s for a weekend or more to give her time to think since she didn’t do it the first time. Now she doesn’t want to come back at all and she is more determined to divorce than ever. We talked about it yesterday and she said it is too late and her heart isn’t in it to fix things. I just read your post and everything you said not to do I have been doing. I just don’t know what to do. I lover her so much and don’t want to lose her or the kids. I hope you can help. Thanks.

    1. Hi Tim,

      So sorry to hear what is happening. It isn’t uncommon to see progress and then a setback so I hope you hang in there. If you want to hire me to work with you as a coach, please contact my assistant, Audrey@poweroftwocounseling.com. She can give you all the specifics and answer any questions you might have.

      Thanks for reading and commenting.

      All the best,
      Kim

  14. Hi Kim,

    Hello my name is Gerard Garcia. I am a Soldier serving in the United States Army, and I’m currently stationed out at Ft. Hood in Killeen TX. Im married to my beautiful wife Jessica Garcia and we have been for the past 3 years (June 26, 2010). Outside of actually being married we have been together for a total of five years (December 19, 2008). We got married very early, she was 18 and I was 19, now were 22 and 23. The reason I have decided to contact you is because I feel like I no longer know what to do in my situation anymore. My wife told me today that she feels like its the end of the road for us, and that she know longer knows what to do to better things. She feels like divorce is the best option. She says her problem is not the marriage, but a battle within herself. She says she feels like she is not in the right spot to be in a relationship and does not want to be with anybody. She also says that it pains her to see me upset and cry and all that. She says she has been feeling this way for some time now, but she decided it was finally time to come out and say it. I proposed the idea that maybe we should separate, this way she would be able to have her space and figure things out in hopes that she would want to come back to me and feel different. We dubbed this separation a “HALL PASS” just from the simple fact that it came from the actual movie hall pass and i feared the actual word, separation. For a few week things seemed as if they were getting better. We were talking, seeing each other, having sex, doing everything in my mind that was suppose to make us better. She ultimately called me Sunday saying she was feeling the way she did prior and just today was when she said maybe its the end of the road for us. We have been to a few counseling sessions in hopes that things would be better, but it does not seem as if it is. We actually have a counseling session tomorrow at 1:00pm CST and I’m terrified of how that is going to go. Me though, I have been taking this very hard. I’ve done a lot of crying, I’ve been very depressed, I’ve been getting less sleep, losing my appetite a lot, my performance at work has dropped tremendously because I cant concentrate, you know all of that type of stuff. A lot of friends say that I should maybe just let her go and be done with it and find another woman, but every time I try to wrap my mind around that thought, I just end up crying because I know that ultimately that is not what I want to do. My heart is telling me that I need to keep fighting for the woman I love and want, but I have absolutely no idea what to do at this point. I told her today actually that I wanted to continue to fight for her and that I will not give up on our marriage. The analogy I like to use and give to people is that I feel like I’m a boxer and in that ring I feel like I’m continuously getting beat up, but instead of just laying down and giving up on the fight, I have been refusing to give up. Even though I have chosen to continue to stand, I feel like I’m just stuck trying to figure out what else to do better the situation. Another way I like to look at it as is just being stuck in a corner with no way to turn or go….Just stuck. Ms Kim, I googled possible ways to try and stop a divorce, and I came across you. I am willing to do what ever it takes to stop this divorce and keep her. You have no idea how much I love this woman and want her to be my wife. Please mam any help would definitely be helpful. I look forward to hearing, actually speaking, and one day meeting with you.

    Sincerely,
    SGT Gerard Garcia
    United States Army

  15. Ok this is going o be long. i am in a 13 year relationship with my wife and I fear its close to the end. I love my wife dearly but like many others i have been falling short in a lot of her needs. I have issues with being able to except and give compliments, really gotten bad at validating hr feelings and communicating on the basics day to day. We have two small children and we both agree they come first no matter what. I pushed her away and now she has rekindled a relationship with a long lost boyfriend that she has never really let go of for a variety of reasons. She has told me she loves him and by the look in her eyes i really believe her. Its sad because tha look was once mine and now I fear its too little too late. we have been talking rationally and dealing with it all really really well considering i found a video email she made for him professing how she felt for him on xmas day. I immediately confronted her with it angry and hurt. She asked me to let it go but I couldnt. Now in our talks I have sat down and really really looked at how we got where we are. I havent been happy with myself and i am in the proverbial i will try to move mountains to make it work. She is guarded and cautious and i cant blame her as i know i need to fix me first to work on us. I just fear its too little too late. I have sat here and read through alot of the Q&A and have seen alot of good ways and the bad ways to start the process. My situation is close to 50/50 in the good and bad. I really need to do all I can as if i dont try i dont think I could ever be able to really let go and heal and move on. I live in canada so an appointment isnt an option. I am looking for any help to start me off in the right direction.

  16. my husband and I have been married 11 years but together for just about 20 years. we have a perfect 6 year old daughter. He is completely checked out and DONE as he puts it. We are going to counseling and it’s only been 4 sessions (2 together and 2 alone). He’s agreed to go one more time but beyond that…He is looking for apartments and we’ve both gone through our finances. I am seeing a lawyer this week to cover myself and my daughter. I don’t want to do these things but feel like if I do them for him he’ll “try” for me. What can I do to save our marriage?

    1. Kim,
      You can hire one of our coaches to help guide you through this. It sounds like things are getting critical and it is important for you to keep calm and try not to act desperate. For your sake and for your daughter’s, I hope you keep fighting!

  17. My husband and I have been married for 5 years been together for 7.5 years. He wants to call it quits but I don’t . I don’t blame him either . I broke promise after promise to him . For several months . He did the same thing to me for a couple of years . I still stood by him tried to make it work then I got fed up and left for some space and I returned to him . Now I have broke promises to him that like I would be back at this Time or day but rarely followed through with my plans . He is in ohio and I’m in florida . Should I drive there to see if it works even if he says no? I am also pregnant. Please help me .

  18. I, too, wish I had seen this years ago. I’m at the point in my marriage where I don’t know how to fix it. My husband is convinced I had an affair. Not physically but emotionally. He says this is why he can no longet trust me and why our relationship just won’t work. Though I understand where he is coming from and can see where he could think that, he is still wrong. My talking to my friends, even old guy friends, was never about any emotional romantic connection. It was always friend to friend. How’s life, how’s work, what’s new, etc. Sometimes people would say things that I thought was sweet and would thank thank them. Only to find months down the road hubby thought it was inappropriate and would be upset wigh me for not putting a stop to the comments (for example, one male friend said he hoped my day was as bright and wonderful as I am). The friend didn’t mean anything flirtatious by it and se never had anything before hubby and I. It was just his happy, bubbly, positive self. But I heard where hubby was coming from and though I didn’t agree sent the friend a reply saying how hubby felt and to please refrain from talking like that to me in the future. Friend apologized and we went on. Saw an old friend at a fast food restaurant about 8 months ago so we sat together and chit chatted for about 45 minutes. Hugged when we left. Later he texted me saying it was nice to see me and talk, thanks for the laughs and the hug. He said he had forgotten how good it feels. I said you’re welcome. And it was nice to catch up. Hubby flipped out. Said again i let another man talk inappropriately to me. Still don’t see it but ignorance doesn’t change his hurt so I apologized. Things were ok for us, there was a lot of distance. A lot of rejection. So I focused on improving me. My life had become all about him. So I called up some old friends, mostly girls, a couple of guy friends. We texted on and off. Maybe an all day, bored at work, rant or an occasional handful of hi, how are ya, what’s new quick conversation. About three months later he went nuts. Accused me of seeing someone dlse. Getting my emotional needs from other people. I got upset at that point and blew up. I had gone to bim concerned about his well being. He showed a lot of depression, was sick and wore out all the time. I tried to give him examples of what I was seeing, especially the distance I noticed between us. Thats when he said he thought everything was normal and it must be my talking to other people so much that’s making me feel like he was distant. Like I said, i got angry and it turned into a fight. That was 5 months ago and we’re still butting heads over he thinks I had an affair and I refuse to agree. Didn’t happen, didn’t cross my mind, never will.

    I dont talk to anyone anymore. I deleted all my contacts, deleted facebook, don’t write in my journal or get online much. He spends all his extra time checking up on me to see what I’m doing, who’s talking to me, what I write about. He says everything i say is just a lie and so picks a fight about it.

    We used to be great. Very close, very intimate. It all changed. He now sends me a text around 9:00 every morning to say I love you. But unless I say it first it goes unsaid the rest of the day. We no longer hold hands, can’t remember the last hug. Kisses are very dry pecks like father/daughter tucking in at night. In bed there’s always a gap between us. I am devaststated. He seems to be ok with it.

    He says his problem is that I insists I did nothing wrong. I didn’t. I’ve told him what matters is that I acknowledge where he’s coming from and accept it and can only use it in the future. I no longer talk to anyone from my past, especially not a guy, and I’ve tried pointing out that I cannot change the past. Some of the things he holds against me now happened over two years ago and the fuel he added to his fire recently happened before he and I even met.

    I don’t know what to do. Our counselor says she doesnt know how to treat us, becuz she too isnt sure what the problem is. But he insists on hanging on to anger over me having an affair that I didnt even ever have.

    1. Kristina, maybe it is time to get a second opinion from a new counselor. It appears husband may have serious trust and control issues. Those need to be dealt with in a counseling setting. I wouldn’t wait too long as anger and resentment are building and it won’t be long before it turns into contempt. Good luck to you!

      Kim

      1. Thanks for the insight. At our last session she asked to see us seperately. He agreed. I didn’t have an affair. Like I said, I never even thought about it. It’s really hard to see him so angry and depressed and willing to throw this all away out of misunderstandings, misinterpretations and pure insecurities. I see where I have gone to begging and pleading for him to see the truth. I try to stop but it’s not easy not defending myself against pure bogus accusations. It almost feels like he just doesn’t want me or this marriage afterall and is just making it all my fault.

  19. We have been married for 9 years and have a 3 year old daughter. My husband travels alot for his work. After a week on the road, he came home one day and was acting kind of funny. The next day he told me that he is not happy and that he wants a divorce. He said there is no other woman. I was shocked. Iniitally I was calm but later I began to beg for him to reconsider. He moved out for a few days and came back but was now sleeping on the couch. Left a few more days later and came back. He has now realized that he wants pursue his dream to move to Miami, Florida. We live in New Jersey. He says he is tired of the cold weather, he drives a convertible for a reason…. He wants to make this move out there by himself. He is working with a head hunter who is actively finding him a job that can allow him to keep traveling. Seems like he is about to land a job out there and that is all he cares about. He says he loves our daughter but is unrealistic as to how he is going to be involved in her life. I am trying not to pressure him and support him. I tell him that we can all relocate there and still be a family. He says he just doesn’t know if we can make it work. He doesn’t want to move me away from my support system here. One day after I read some of his texts on his phone and questioned him on who this woman is? He finally told me that over the last year he had cheated on me at least 3 times. He felt guilty and that is why he couldn’t stay married to me. He feels aweful of what he has done. After a lot of thinking I told him that we can work things out… but he doesn’t seem to want to work things out. He says he is afraid that in the end he will not be happy. What am I to do? Just let him pack his things and go? I love this man. He has been in my life since high school.

  20. Hello, I just came across your website and I found it quite useful. My husband and I have been married for 18 years, no children, have been to counseling (marital and individual) at various points, and in a most recent visit 6 months ago. At that time, my husband said he was not so committed to me and a few months later, three days shy of our 18th anniversary, he filed divorce papers. We have had certain ongoing issues, like his inability to communicate his feelings but on the whole, we have been very close. Typically, I had been the one to question our relationship, but I had worked through a lot of my doubts and this is when he dropped the bomb. The problem has been that he has been so emotional, so angry (which he insists he is not), and just walking out that I can’t seem to get a handle on any aspect of this. He seems absolutely adamant to go through with divorce but will not stay in one place long enough to deal with it. And, now he insists on moving across the country to have interviews. I want to save our marriage, but even this angers him – knowing that I am committed. Do I just let the go and sign the papers or do I try something else? I have asked him to reconsider in the beginning but I have lately offered for us to consider a legal separation. He just seems to be completely tunnel visioned. Any help you can proved will be appreciated.

    1. Kay
      I noticed today that you signed up for our program! I’m so excited for you. I hope you will gain clarity about your situation from working with Susan. She is really good at helping couples just like you. I will be keeping in touch with her to be sure things are going well.

      Hugs!
      Kim

  21. my husband says he wonts a divorce before we go on down the road of hateing one another.We’ve only be married 5months now and been toghter going on 4 years he says he wonts to be friends and get a divorce because were way to diffrenet to be toghter . Yet he said he still would come see me after i moved and pick me up.i keep bringing the subject up. I dont mean to but i dont wont it to end after only 5 months. What am i doing wrong?

  22. At this point, I prefer to remain anonymous, hence the greek word “doulos”.

    I read your advice on this webpage. It seems almost as if I have done the exact opposite of what was advised and that it is likely too late. Papers were left at my residence suing for divorce.

    We’ve been separated against my will for six months now. I also kept getting the ‘too little too late’ or ‘I don’t love you anymore’ routine. I begged. I pressured us to both try counseling (originally her idea.. long story), which she quickly gave up on after a few sessions. The counselor asked her to move back in or try intimacy if she were ready.. but no, she tried a few times only and it was good a few times but awkward whether good or bad.

    I am in a poor financial situation and emotionally weak after fighting to save my marriage without success (even though it seemed like it was getting better right before she said she gave up and did not love me anymore).. I tried for over half a year of misery.. I cannot imagine life without my wife for the rest of my life.. and I don’t wish to be selfish and date or marry someone else when I know I still love my wife and probably will the rest of my life.. at the same time, I cannot stand the cold numb loneliness anymore and my financial situation is dire if I cannot find full time work in one month.

    I am generally against violence but at this point I see no reason to keep living…it is so lonely without my wife or her love.. unless God suddenly changes my wife’s heart or magically drops a job in my lap, I don’t see a point is continuing living this lie of a life. It would be ideal to get back on my feet and make the changes that I am assuming my wife refuses to help me with and expects me to do all on my own. I am willing to do the work but I don’t have any confidence anymore nor do I have any good opportunities with work or with the marriage, I don’t even know where my wife is living and she stated she was planning on returning to Marikina (in the Philippines).

    Since I have already violated every piece of advice in this page (before coming here obviously).. and have already been served with papers.. should I just give up already, on the marriage, on my life? My wife and I are both tired.. it is part of why she gave up and is divorcing me.. I don’t want a divorce.. but I don’t see any love from her or willingness to be persuaded of anything at this point. She is even more stubborn than I am and I doubt she will ever change her mind.. I don’t really know what to do.. I don’t wish to die or lose my wife or be homeless.. I just don’t know what to do..

    1. Doulos
      I sincerely hope you will take my advice and seek counseling. Most places have free or very low cost counseling available. Most people experience grief and loss in their lives at some point. Even to the point of despair…but taking your own life is never the answer. One thing I’ve learned in my own life is that our journey can take unexpected turns that bring drastic changes we never saw coming. THAT is the point of continuing to try. I know things seem hopeless today but this will pass in time.

      Blessings on you!
      Kim

    2. ill advice you to calm yourself and talk to your wife as calm as you can be even she is shouting. ask her if you can seatdown and talk… over and over and over untill she agree… start on your dreams for future etc… and everyday talk to her, give her attention… Women normally just want an attention that you are into them and you wont give up on them. but if you will be angry when she angry or you will be quiet when she quiet she might feel that your not interested. your you are sorry why the marriage is in that situation. Women always want a man with “balls”. With balls means providing the love, financial responsibilities in the house. If something screwed up on this we feel its your responsibility. 🙂

  23. my wife and I have bin separated for 2 years now, up and till a month ago we both still wanted us to work, she now wants a divorce and I am now wanting her to come back home, I have done everything wrong in the past month to show her I want her and still love her but its the only thing I knew to do. she is now seeing another man and I told her if that’s what she wants then give me the divorce papers, I don’t know what to do or say to her to get her back but I know deep down she still wants our marriage she is just scared does anyone have any tips for me or for her,

  24. My wife has had some long standing issues with me that have made her unhappy over time. We’ve been together for 11 years and married for 3 years, she has come to her breaking point and wants a divorce. When angry she told me all her concerns, all things I beleive can be fixed and I can make her happy again. But she doesn’t want to consider one more chance, she doesn’t believe couples counseling will help, she just wants to be happy again and in her mind that means getting out. After the same talks which get frustrated she said she’s willing to go to couples counseling for my benefit, to get me to understand it’s over. She obviously doesn’t want to go, is it worth going? I honestly believe it could help us but I don’t want her to going she’s not willing to try.

    1. This is tricky…forcing a spouse to counseling is usually not very helpful because most therapists are not “pro marriage”. Most therapists don’t know how to handle a situation like this and your partner may last 2-3 sessions but will usually quit feeling even more hopeless than before. I highly recommend you contact us and talk to one of our coaches. You can do a lot all by yourself that will make your spouse begin to feel more hopeful and increase your odds for a successful outcome with or without couples counseling. You are in a critical place in your marriage and you really need to be working with someone who knows how to help you navigate through this. You can call us at 972-441-4432 and we can get you set up with a coach who can help you even if you decide to go with couples counseling.

  25. what can i do ,i feel like every attempt he shuts me out,he has been gone for a year now,but say he loves me?i do believe there is some one else,another women,last nite i saw him,he was suppose to pick me up??didnt come so i went there?he was short,rude,said he was tired of me talking about the same things,all im asking is when is he coming home???please help…im going off of what my husabnd has been telling me…

  26. Hi
    I am in complete disbelief that my husband turned to me and says, he is not happy. He loves me but not in love with me and no longer doesn’t want to be intimate. Please help I’m so confused

    1. Dana….unfortunately we hear about these situations frequently. Don’t get paralyzed by confusion…NOW is the time to act if you want to save your marriage. Your husband is detaching himself emotionally and now physically. The next stage is separation. Got to http://www.engagewithlove.com for resources or go ahead and call us at 972-441-4432.

  27. Hello. Ive read so many stories in here about people just like me. A spouse who wants out but I dont. My husband and I have been together for a little over 3 years but married for almost 2. After 4 months he was deployed to another country for the military, and has only been back home for 5 months. I feel as if we’ve only been married for 9 months instead of almost 2 years. Hes been detaching himself and doing and saying mean hurtful things in hopes that I would get mad and leave him so he didnt have to leave me. We talked one day and decided we needed time apart to try to get things back on track, but now he says he wants a divorce but wont go to the court house to file the paperwork. I love him with all my heart and I know he loves me but he says hes not in love with me and I feel its because he was gone for so long. We havent even had a chance to be married before he just gives up. We recently found out, literally today that im 4 weeks pregnant. I want my marriage to work more than anything, not because of the baby but because we’ve been happy all this time and never had any problems until a few months ago when he went back to his regular civilian job. I really dont know what to, and just would like some kind of help. Thanks for reading, Sarah

        1. Good! have you downloaded the Re-Engage toolkit for $19.97? It explains the process in more detail and why it does work!

          1. No. I wish I could but sadly I can’t afford it. When he asked me to leave and his mom found out she called our bank and froze me out of the account. I have access to no money what so ever.

  28. Last Wednesday, I came home to an empty house and discovered that my husband had left with our kids and emptied the bank account. I did not hear from him for 24 hours and when he finally called he told me that he had filed for divorce. I never saw any of this coming. We have been together for 11 years and are high school sweethearts. We have also gone through 2 deployments together. I know why he left..because I am controlling, jealous, and insecure. We also fought a lot over money. He’s a spender and I’m a saver. I have pretty much done everything wrong since he told me he filed. I have begged and pleaded and the only thing I get is “We’re done!” We work at the same place. Everyone always commented on how much he loved me. He talked about me all the time and all the ladies were always jealous at how he looked at me. We even went on a family vacation just the week before. I don’t want to lose my best friend. He has already filed though and I asked him to go to counseling and of course he didn’t want to do that either. Please help!!

  29. We had some issues in our marriage and I said things I should not of done too many times and this has really hurt my husband.

    He told me he doesn’t love me anymore and he moved out and then came back a day later and said he dose and he belongs with me, we were ok for 2 weeks and then he shut me out , now he said he just doesn’t feel the same as he used to and he wants a divorce.

    I love him and I know I have issues of my own that I have to work on and I would really want us to stay together we also have a 6 year old that loves us both to bits and we are young , I am 27 and he is 32 , I just think its a real shame it has come to this and I think I have some bipolar tendency’s that have lead me to be mean and disrespectful to him, looking back I can see how lovely he was and now I have made him into this person, I love him and I want to give him respect and love that he deserves , he probably cant ever get over it but I just need to ask for advice.

  30. Hi Kim, I fear for my marriage. Recently my wife found her birth mom and brothers and sisters. And since that time she has been incestously text her brother all day and all night while neglecting our son and myself emotionally and physically. Because of this and her not wanting to talk to me I made a bad financial decision involving our savings account to pay bills she hadn’t paid and I didn’t tell her because she has been to preoccupied and then she blew up on me about it saying I lied to her and stole from us and since then she had been even worse and I have made a few mistakes trying to reconnect with her emotionally and she says I’m smothering her last night I asked her what I have to do to reconnect with her and she said “I don’t know I need space stop smothering me” then I asked if she would be willing to go to counseling with me and she said the same thing then went back to ignoring me and texting her brother. I admitted my fault and told get how sorry I was about it and for betraying her trust and hurting her I just don’t know how to get my wife back she means more to me than anything.

  31. I am in need of help.

    I am a Husband and father of two kids. ok first off things aren’t perfect with me. I used to be controlling and very much insecure with my wife. I had a huge problem with trust. I thru the years have learned to trust my wife maybe too much to let things get out of hand. I wouldn’t say she is cheating on me but I will say shes over being with me. I have a powerful temper and I say some hurtful things when we argue. I do not say im the smartest guy on the block but I do have and education and I also learned a lot from growing up on the Street in NYC. my wife on the other hand grew up in a household with both her parents still together and also with the support from them both. our parenting styles are two different in ways. I will yell and spank my kids if they do things that I deem wrong. I will not hurt my kids but just as I was spanked when I was younger I kind of do the same to my own. my wife constantly yells and gets upset with me for the way I raise my kids my way and she tells me I cannot do it that way . she has her own way and wants me to follow that way. I can say that I own up to my mistakes now and I take full responsibility for my actions. Maybe too little too late I guess. I am more scared because of not losing my wife but the life we built for our kids and ourselves as well. I am deeply still in Love with no matter what but I see the disdain in her eyes and facial expressions. I am going to counseling but it doesn’t matter to her I can see. I need help trying to take on the nature of if she wants to file for divorce what the hell do I do … 🙁 doomed is all I can say and hear and see. shes so into herself and her needs for herself she forgot about us and the marriage and our needs to survive. I have compromised with her to everything she wanted n has done. every move she made I was there no matter what intelligent thing I expressed she ignored me but she was the one I knew was my soulmate so I did whatever I could for her bad or good…

    I just need some type of help to deal….. Desparate Husband who wants to save his marriage…..

  32. Hello Kim,

    We are in a situation where my wife asks me to give her space to figure herself out. It’s been almost a year since I have changed my ways such as, cleaning, cooking, giving her massages, supporting her in school, and even reconciling with her family. But before all of this (our good times) we decided (well I only agreed) that she can go and have an open but not serious relationship (sexual fun). But I told her to stop before and she did, then this problem came in. Now, she said that she couldn’t think straight when I’m around, and she choses to have some intimate (sexual) conversations with random guys because I’m still here. She’s going to see counselling tomorrow for herself. I talked to one of her good friends and her friend told me to give my wife space and that she doesn’t have any intentions of divorce. I am moving out this weekend. What should I do at this moment?

  33. Dear Kim,

    Four months ago, my wife asked me for a separation after almost 13 years of marriage. It all started with her being very angry for several days in a row after accompanying me on a business trip to New York during which, I thought, we’d had a great time. After about ten days of fighting, she said she was done. We’ve had a rough marriage: we’re both musicians and have not always had a lot of money. The first couple of years of our marriage I had teaching positions at a couple of universities but they never materialized into full time employment and we ended up moving in with her parents in Washington, D.C. After three years of odd jobs to make ends meet, etc., I landed an academic position in central New York which lasted two years and, after which, I failed, once again, to secure a permanent position anywhere. The best I could do was an adjunct position in Baltimore, so we packed up again and moved back into her parents house, where she currently still lives with our two daughters.

    Three years ago we had an argument that ALMOST got physical because I felt she was not listening to me. I got kicked out of the house for two weeks and sought therapy in the meantime, which I have continued since then and made, I think, great progress. She will at least acknowledge that progress, but she is still reeling and traumatized from the experience of that argument. I can’t stress enough how shameful that is for me and how hard I’ve worked to make sure anything like that would happen again, to take control of my emotions and to be a better balanced human being.

    In January, she kicked me out and I’ve been living on my own since. I got her into marriage counseling for a while. For her it was a matter of learning to be effective coparents, although I never hid the fact that I hoped for a reconciliation. Today was our last counseling appointment, because neither of us can afford to pay for the sessions any more. I asked for this last appointment because, a month ago, she had, I thought, given me hope that, perhaps, we could work things out. She’d told me, during a breakthrough conversation where we were communicating like we hadn’t in a long time, that “I can see how we might be able to fix things.” I told her she didn’t know how happy that made me, and she said, “I can tell.” We took vacations separately a week after that (I took our kids to visit my parents and she took a road trip to visit friends), and she says that, when she picked us up from the airport, she was hit back with “the happy family” which she had left. Since then she was distant, saying that I’ve been clingy to her, etc. I could sense that, anyway, and explained to her that, well, she’d given me hope and encouragement and that, because of that, it’s hard to really let go, but that I was planning on giving her space and that we could talk afterwards, when she was ready. Her response was that she had no idea what she had said that would make me think she wanted a reconciliation, that I had blinders on and that I needed to get used to the idea that we are done.

    Today, in session, she told me that she’s spent the last three months trying to see if there are any feelings left for me in her and that she’s found that there aren’t. She broke down when I said, “well, I never cheated on you or laid a finger on you” and said, “yes you did! You threw me on the bed and tore my pants and, for the first time in my life, I was terrified that the person who promised to love me was making me feel threatened and unsafe.” Our counselor pointed out that, clearly, she hadn’t dealt with this, regardless of how hard I’d worked to make it up to her. This is an event about which I’m still filled with great shame and I fear that I will never be able to treat a woman properly again.

    So, she’s asked me to let her go. If I loved her, I would let her go, she tells me. I had read your e-book and thought it was helping, but I look back and realize that I’ve not kept to the system well enough. I’m also wondering if there’s any hope left here. Sharon was the love of my life and my best friend, and letting her go is proving to be very, very difficult. I still think we can save things, but I need for her to somehow remember the feelings she once had for me and make her feel safe with me once again (something I thought I’d done).

    I had been mostly a stay at home dad for the last three years, caring for our kids while I worked at the music career and brought money in that way. This breakdown of our marriage has coincided with a difficult professional period, and I’m worrying about funds as much as anything else, but I’m desperate and realize that I still want things to work, somehow. If you have any suggestions for how I might work through your program, I would appreciate them.

  34. i iam francis 34 years old my wife left me about 4 months ago but i went back the next day all has been ok untill a month ago that she told me that the way she loved me was not to live with me we have been a month apart we just see each other because of the kids she is very obsesed with her phone and her body nowone noes whats wrong with her as she does not want to talk about it i love her so much and i want her to realise that she is making a mestake i have waited for a month but still the same ideas she told me the she needed space and also that who no’s that maybe in 6 month or a year we would be back together i dont what she is goping through or if these is for good i love her and i want her back but iam seeing its not going to happen ..yesterday i went and told her that i could not handel the situation any more and that i wanted to get legaly separated.it was very hard for me to do that but i think that like these is the only wy that she can open her eyes and see what she is doing….i hope i havent made things worse

  35. My wife and I have been split for 3 months now, she said she wanted a divorce and I don’t. We were arguing a lot and that is why she said she wants a divorce. I’ve been going to therapy as I suffer from anxiety, I found out that I was on the wrong medication and have since been on the right medication. I can clearly see now that a lot of the arguing was due to me being on the wrong medication. I’ve tried to tell her but it doesn’t seem to matter to her. My therapist believes that their are some other deeper problems that my wife is having with herself that is more of the reason, because she says that getting a divorce over our arguments does not seem like a logical thing to do. I did not react well the first week or so after we split up but then I gave her time and space…More recently I’ve been contacting her trying to show her the difference with me being on the right medication, she was ignoring me and not saying anything and then she said she was going to file for divorce and that I should expect the divorce papers. I’m so confused by all of this and I love her so deeply.

  36. You say. ” If you suspect your spouse is having an affair, you may be spying or tracking their social media. Stop NOW! If your goal is to save the marriage, you are going to have to back off all the places you are pressing.” Husband has been looking outside the marriage (dating sites) to connect with other women. I found this out through looking at the history on his phone. I believe he found out and is now angry, wont talk to me and I think he wants to leave but is reluctant because we have a young child. So, in your opinion, what should I do? Pretend that he is not trying to connect with others? That is not trying to make the marriage work, surely. I have not confronted him that I am aware of his activities. My counsellor suggested if I am not prepared to end the relationship that I should minimise my engagement with his activities. I believe he is in mid life crisis, which I understand has no real cure. Any advice would be appreciated.

    1. Natasha, I don’t think you should “pretend” he isn’t looking outside of the marriage. You found this information and you cannot un-know it. But I advise you not to waste your time and energy tracking his movements. You already know he is acting out. Spying is addictive behavior and you can’t ever feel satisfied you have found everything so you tend to keep looking. All of this activity keeps you from focusing on the only thing you can change right now….YOU. It’s time to start looking at what you want from this relationship and how you have contributed to the problems you are having. It certainly isn’t your fault your husband is choosing to step outside of the marriage, but it’s important to take an honest look at your behavior, thoughts and feelings. I’m glad you are seeing a counselor. I hope you are getting excellent guidance for how to proceed in the future.
      Kim

  37. Hi, my husband and I have been married for alomst 13 years, we have been through a lot of ups and downs and stressful times in our lives, last week he told me he no longer loved me and didnt want to be with me, it hurt like mad and a asked him not to leave as we also have a 4 year old daughter. He is adamant its over and cant live a lie anymore, I have just recrntly found out he has bern chatting online for the last year to another girl and this is killing me. I want to save me marriage more than anything for us yo have a better life for us both and our daughter but I dont know what to do. We have a counselling session booked next week. Any advice would be very grateful.

    1. Anne-Marie, So glad you are both going to see a counselor. I’m sorry you are going through all of this. The best advice I can give you is to be patient. I know your husband’s words are hurtful but it doesn’t necessarily mean the marriage is over. If he is involved with someone else online, he may need time for reality to change his perspective. I hope counseling is very helpful for you both!
      Kim

  38. Hi Kim, please help I don’t know what to do. My husband told me a month ago that he wants a divorce. He is not happy anymore and does not love me anymore. He has moved out already and I had to move in with my father. We have been together for only 6 and a half years but married for 3. I made bad financial decisions and trusted the wrong people. I made decisions without talking to my husband and he struggles to forgive me for that. Can I still save my marriage eveniif we don’t live together anymore?

  39. Hello, I am a newly wed, my wife and I have bee. Together for 7 years and married for 2 months.
    She recently moved out saying she can’t do it an more as well as the too little to late.
    Within the past year and a half she has had some health issues. She’s cheated once after blacking out due to mixing media with alcohol. We worked through that to the point of agreeing to get counseling. Shortly after agreeing we got engaged and agreed to put off counseling until after the wedding due to planning and costs. I now know that was not the right order to do things.
    Everything was fine up until last Saturday. That’s when we had our reception she had been drinking and all of the sudden she can’t do it. She’s saying she’s been unhappy for a year and a half and has to move out because she just wants to be happy and that cant happen at home. When I ask her about the marriage she says she doesn’t know. She has ups and downs where she is really sweet but then changes like she’s fighting the feelings to care. Sometimes she says I love you but more and more often she just says ok with no eye contact. The day before the blow up we were talking about making a baby room and boom next day she’s unhappy.
    It was a complete blind side moment because she had never brought these feelings up before. Her reasoning was she was afraid to make things worse so she bottled it all up until she felt there was nothing more to lose/ meaning her saying what she felt wouldn’t make anything worse. I’ve never scolded or insulted her for saying what she feels. I actually encourage her to but its like she feels she will get in trouble for saying what she wants or feels. This behaviour started about a year ago.
    She’s been gone for 1 full week now. She will be getting keys to her new apartment Tuesday and is letting me stay in the house until it sells. She hasn’t told anyone about this either which I can’t wrap my mind around why all of the sudden and why she is secluding herself.
    I did try pushing coming home and counceling at her on the second day she was gone. After that I have just been supportive in her feeling she has to leave.
    I randomly text her I love you 2 days ago and she was genuine about saying it meant a lot to her. I didn’t push for an I love you back. The next day she turns cold and has a defensive attitude like I’ve done everything wrong.
    Her reasoning for leaving is valid, I was feeling in loved and started drowning myself in work and hobbies. I would bring up my feelings back then and her responses were everything is fine. Since she’s moved out I’ve gotten rid of all those distractions because the only reason I had them was for a distraction and I realised that after she left.
    All week I’ve been working on me and here and there we would talk about our feelings. The too little too late has died down and turned in to ” I wish I knew that before”. Or just plain “ok”
    Is this a hopeless cause? I am not ready to give up but it seems she is trying as hard as she can to fight any emotion of caring. I want to tell her that I won’t let the house sell until we get counseling because I feel she is waiting to bring up divorce after the house sells ensuring she wont lose out on her half of the money.
    I am prepared to do whatever it takes to resolve these feelings she felt she couldn’t tell me and build a stronger relationship and future.
    At the same time tho I am preparing myself for the worst.
    I know this isn’t an easy fix but I want us to be happy again.
    Any advise, help or magic fixes I would greatly appreciate and take full advantage of using to hopefully bring our love back together.
    Thank you
    Brian

    1. Brian I have been there in my 20’s and did the begging and chasing for 2 years and believe me it is not worth it! Sounds like she might have a drinking problem and self confidence issues? Work on yourself by exercising and find some good friends if you do not already have some.It also sounds like she is unhappy with herself. DO NOT CHASE AFTER HER IT WILL ONLY MAKE THINGS WORSE! Take care and be thankful you are not having to deal with it in your 50’s like I am I already went through it in my 20’s!

  40. Hi Kim.
    Can you help me please? This week it has been brought to my attention by my husband that we have just been going through the motions of our marriage for the sake of the kids. How delusional I must be! I realised we had problems but I didn’t think they were big enough that ‘I think were a bit past fixing it’. My immediate response was of course ‘lets try’. Wrong I now know. I live in a remote location in the centre of Australia with very little to no access to help but I want to save this marriage – I love this man.

    1. My wife and I were 2 months out of a “marriage encounter” weekend. open exchange of ideas, fears, hopes…yada yada! then 8 years of past garbage comes at me via text message, She’s not coming home, and I “have” until the 1st (my next paycheck) to find new arrangements. I’m sorry for you, hang in there.

      \

  41. I have been with my wife for 23 years. We did not get married until last october. Recently I have been laid up with a bad back and just had an epidural which has seemed to help tremendously. On top of that I have been running my dad back and forth to doctors as he at 83 is having heart failure issues. My wife now tells me she is unhappy with everything and is not blaming me but tells me she loves me but might not be in love with me anymore. I responded that the reason we have not been able to do much is because of my back issues. I told her thank you for your support through what I have been going through! She was angry of course and I feel so betrayed. I have never cheated on her and now she is telling me this? I told her I would move out and she said no. But in the next instance she tells me she has nowhere to go. We are in our fifties and retired so maybe you can tell me what is going on? She told me there is no one else but I have been through this in my 20’s and my wife at the time was having an affair and left then tried to come back and I said it was to late! My head is spinning! ANY ANSWERS?

  42. Hello. I have been married for as little over a year and am now faced with a wife who is determined to divorce me because she wakes up everyday unhappy and miserable. We have been together since 2009 and got engaged in 2010. We delayed the wedding once due to financial issues as well as some “inappropriate” messages between myself and a female friend I have had for years (the messages included movie quotes that were of a sexual (albeit joking) nature. Let me note that this friend and I have no sexual history but we both have a kind of perverse sense of humor. My wife and I have been living together since 2010 with her 2 children (and a host of pets), and during the time, she has become extremely frustrated with me because of several reasons: 1) as she states, I don’t listen to or pay attention to her when she speaks to me; 2) I am a book of excuses and a liar; and 3) I was “ruined as a man” because of the way my parent’s brought me up (this tends to be related to my poor cooking skills and failure to remember simple things for preparing meals that I have been helping make for the past 4 years…I always seem to screw up something).

    1) I admit that I do not remember everything that she says to me and many times, I do not recall entire conversations that she swears she had with me. When I explained to her that many times when she is saying something to me, I don’t respond because I have no comments or anything to add to it, she told me she wants some form of acknowledgement that I heard her speaking. Admittedly, I find the notion pointless and have made no effort to correct this because the comment was just made to me yesterday.

    2) Admittedly, I have lied to her in the past about stupid, miniscule things, and I am making an effort to never lie to her about anything…no matter how small. “Book of excuses?” Yes I always have some rhyme or reason as to why I do things, but no matter what the reason is, it is unacceptable to her. She and I are both people who try to have the last word in arguments but when it comes to me, my “last word” is usually trying to state my reasons for doing whatever it was that I did, and that just irritates her to the point where she tells me to shut up and get away from her.

    3) I was never taught how to cook by my parents. Yes, I have made the same dinners for 4 years now, and many (but not all) times I mess something up. When this happens, I get yelled at, called stupid, retarded and told that even a child could do better than I do. She has given me help in the past but after 4 years, when I make a mistake, she gets mad because of how many times I have made this food and refuses to give me any more help. I will do certain things while making the food that I am supposed to do by the instructions, but when it gets messed up, she blames me for not reading the directions or checking the food (even if I did do what she accuses me of not doing…then I get blamed for lying to her even though I’m not).

    Anymore, I’m not sure what to do. I love this woman and her kids and would be devastated if she leaves me (she is now not speaking to me (nor am I allowed to talk to her), I am not allowed to touch any of the household items she purchased, and she tells me that we are over and can live as roommates until she saves money to move out), but many times I feel she suffers from bi-polar disorder or possibly even Alzheimer’s (which runs in her family) because she tells me that she, or I said something that I have no recollection of, and swear was never said. She even told me to go out and find female companionship elsewhere. She has threatened me numerous times in the past with divorce, but has never acted on the threats. Even the idea of marriage counseling is stupid to her (she has been married once before to a physical abuser and has been in a few physical abuse relationships before we met). Even though I have never, nor would I ever raise a hand to a woman, I feel as if I have gone from “the best thing that has ever happened to” her (as she told me years ago) to the worst thing to happen to her, and that our marriage is “the biggest mistake (she) has ever made.” I need advice!

  43. She wants the divorce, i do not. The reasons she wants a divorce is that I was not open and honest about my past, No affairs or anything like that, I kept things from her about the past that either hurt me or did not think was important. Obviously it was important to her. I also kept some financial problems from her which she found out about. She asked to move out two months which I did thinking that honoring her request would help. I have had little or no contact with her also honoring her request. I am getting help for my issues of growing up in an abusive alcoholic home and making great progress.

    Divorce papers have been drawn up but not filed.

    I want to call her, text her and etc but have not. How long do I not “fight” for my marriage. She siad she is at peace with her decision and ready to move on. I am stuck and powerless. I have great faith but not doing anything is not in my nature. I want to try and fix this but I cannot.

  44. I appreciate reading this whole strain of comments! Glad to know I’m not alone…
    Short version, My wife text messaged me (reminding me of $ times in a 10 year marriage that I disrespected/mistreated her…She “suggested” that she’d stay at her parent’s, and I could find new arrangements. I had 2 week’s notice and a months salary to start over…I shared a mortgage with this person, and her lifestyle eclipses my ability to “share” expenses for my daughters extra curricular activities? am I “screwed”? She’s not filed, no mediation, no nothing, She basically asked me to move out, and carried on with her life! Please help, whomever!

    1. Shane,

      I’m sorry to hear you are going through such a rough season in your marriage. We can help you though! Please call us on Monday at 972-441-4432.

  45. My husband wants a divorce and I don’t. I know I’m not perfect, but he has done things to hurt me through out our relationship. He has cheated, spent days away from home and always seems to point out all i have done wrong. He has a bad temper and is obsessed with money. He tells me to buy things he wants and than blames me for when the bank account does not have the amount he thinks should be in there. And yes I have to lie and tell him all is fine with the money cause if I don’t he has a hissy fit when he cant spend “his” money on what he wants. We moved to CA because he wanted to and I had a good job in Chula Vista, CA but he didn’t so he found one in LA County and I moved here with him, but have had trouble finding a permanent job. So he calls me lazy and a bum and opened his own checking account with out me on it cause he feels he can better manage his money. But threatened me to not touch his wallet even though I don’t have any money of my own. So he has pretty much left me destitute. I love him and have begged him for awhile to go to counseling because I know he is bipolar. He runs hot and cold. He hates me one min but a few min later he is saying he is sorry for calling me names and yelling at me. I know he needs help but he wont get it. I just don’t know what to do.

    1. Hi Alice,

      I’m sorry you are experiencing such struggles in your marriage. It’s hard to navigate through these situations without help. We work with clients all over the country through our marriage coaching program, Engage With Love. Please call us at 972-441-4432 or visit us at http://www.engagewithlove.com to learn more. Blessings to you.

    2. Hi Alice, your story cought my attention because my husband is just the same, specially when it comes to money, everything you mention mine does too. He moved out about 2 months ago and I’m still struggling to make a firm decision to continue fighting for my marriage and family or just finalize it once and for all. I specially struggle with the decision because he plays with my mind and sends me mixed messages even though he says he wants out and he will not get back with me but he makes comments of much he is suffering with this separation yet he is not making the effort to fix our relationship. I still Love him but he continuously hurts me and am inclined towards the marriage. Just thought that we could communicate and support each other emotionally through these struggles and maybe at some point figure out how to handle our husbands since they’re just alike. My email is ezapataortega@gmail.com, I live in san antonio tx

      1. Estrella, It sounds like it is time for you to set some firm boundaries with your husband. I hear your struggle in not being sure whether to fight for the marriage or let it go. We can help you make sure you have considered every angle before making such a permanent decision. I hope you will let us help.

  46. HI KIM!
    I’ve been marry for three years now and my husband sat down and told me that he wanted to move forward, to me this ment that we were going to work on us and the way we treated each other or in general we were going to work on our marriage. things have been tough, this is his second marriage and he told me he wants a divorce because we both want diffrent things. idk what he ment by that, but he wanted to be out of the house. he currently is out of my house he took his things and i dont know what to do. a part of me wants to continue fighting for my marriage because i do love him. this would be the third time hes left my house. but what i dont understand is why? im not sure what to do here, ilove him with all my heart we have 2 beautiful kids and honestly having diffrences is not a good reason for a divorce.

    1. Hi Tatiana, feeling like you don’t know what to do is so deflating. Let us help! We can assist you in navigating through this difficult time. Call us at 972-441-4432

  47. My wife is extremely angry with me and I told her I am sorry for things in the past that made her lonely. I was laid up with a bad back and on pain pills and depressed about that and my dad slowly dying from heart disease. She use to run around with a younger friend years ago and left me home alone also and I was lonely. Why is it that I am the only one to blame here? I told her that I am sorry and I cant do anything to fix the past but maybe she will find it in her heart to forgive me. I have made changes in my life lost weight working out and getting in shape and quitting the pills! Only time will tell!

    1. Don, it sounds like you are already making positive changes in your life! That is wonderful!! We would love to partner with you to help you restore your relationship with your wife. We work with clients all over the country! Feel free to call us at 972-441-4432 or visit us at http://www.engagewithlove.com

  48. Kim, I was deployed I’m in the navy my wife said she wanted a seperation because she was unhappy and did not want to feel like crap anymore. She gave me the choice originally to work on it or to say it was over. I of course said its time to work on it. I went crazy will I was sitting on a ship in the middle of the ocean on the other side of the world. It pushed her further away. Now she says it is over and we filled separation. She is being fair with the children. I can still see them when ever I want and they can see me when ever they want. Plus the time I have with them on the seperation papers. We are now talking and actually laugh with each other. Just not talking about us. She said ahe is done talking.She moves out this weekend. I still want us to work on our marriage and have noticed a lot was my fault. She does do things like tells me have a good day every once and a while. And when I ask what they are doing she replies with happy emails. I don’t really know what happened because I was gone for six months. When I told her what my mother said because they are coming to visit the kids and they will be living in another city so thought they should know what was going on. My mom told me give her space and time to think. That she sounds like she still wants to try and it is just time for me to be still and let got heal her. My wife said you should listen to what your mom says. I don’t know what to think of what she wants or what I should do. Or if I have any chance to save our marriage. I have worked on my self I went to counselling and still will go. I went to anger management. And I have been trying to renew my faith in god. I also just let her know when she gets stressed about things that I will help with what she needs. And just try to leave her alone about us but will still help if she needs help. I love her enough to wait for her as long as she needs me to

    1. Rich,

      I am sorry you are currently dealing with a separation but know we share your hope! We can help you as you work towards saving your marriage. Please give us a call at 972-441-4432.

  49. What about when your husband of 11 years comes to you and say: I don’t love you anymore. I can’t accept your appearance! I tried to work on this, but I can’t do anymore.
    Yes, my husband, who I still love very much, came home one night and out of the blue he told me that he’s done, then he left for the night. We are or were the type of couple that didn’t fight, we had open communication (at least I thought), but now he’s done. He said that he has been feeling this way for the last year. I asked why he didn’t talk to me, he said the was trying to work on this by himself. I did gained weight after my second pregnancy, but I’m not overweight. I’m active person, but for him I no matter what I did or do, still not enough. I’m devastated! My whole world turned upside down. I stopped work after we had our 2nd child, 6 years ago, so I could dedicate myself 100% to the family, now I’m unemployed with 2 young children.
    Even with all the harsh words that he said to me, I still love him. I suggested couples therapy, he said no. I suggested for us to stay together until the kids get older, he said no. I don’t know what to do. I don’t want to give up on my marriage. I took my vows by heart and I love this man.

    1. Hi Denise,

      Hearing these words from your spouse – especially when it is unexpected – is devastating. And all too common. We’ve worked with many clients facing similar situations. But even in these situations, there is HOPE. You would be amazed at how often marriages can be saved even when only one spouse is trying. Please give us a call so we can show you how we can help. 972-441-4432

  50. Hi, My wife is wanting a divorce and i dont, she has taken our 2 kids to FL, filed for divorce and is living with another man. I have filed in my home state, which has jurisdiction, payed a lawyer alot of money, because in our home state we must be legally separated for a year before divorce. I am retired from the military, medically with ptsd and according to her have emotionally abused her for a while. I did the begging for a while and obviously did not work. I have worked on myself, and doing better emotionally, except for the pain i think about when picturing her with another man, after 12yrs together. I was just wondering, is it too late, with her living with another man, and her state of mind is she is happy with this other man, or do i keep fighting…. the pain is quite brutal emotionally for me, and neither one of us believed in divorce until she moved back to FL. I dont want to lose my wife and kids, i just need to know if im fighting a losing battle or not. Thank you. Bruce.

    1. Bruce,

      I can’t tell you if it is too late for your marriage. The fact she is living with someone else can certainly lower your odds but you have more than a marriage to fight for…you have your kids! I hope you give us a call.

  51. Is gong on two months that my husband left our home. We have been in a relationship for about 7 years. We have 2 boys ages 5 & 6. He left supposedly because he is tired of my complaining, requests, questionings and accusations. He says he is not getting back with me and looks into getting divorced. I don’t want to divorce but this separation and his rejecting actions and words only hurt my feelings even more than his decision to leave. I started counseling and am trying to fight for our marriage but he only sends me mixed messages. He is not coming back with me then he wants to control my decisions as if he is coming home at dome point all while hurting my feelings and self esteem at the same time. One thing for sure is that he so angry at me that he blames this problem only on me. He leaves me with too many unresolved issues and conversations all the time. Due to the hurt of the separation and that he gives me no hope, I get frustrated and mention to him to finalize the divorce, child support and any legal matters immediately but he only hangs up the phone on me leaves or ignores what I say or he will agree then just will not even mention it again. Now he is trying to get a legal status here and that makes me think that is why he is avoiding the legal divorce. Last night I got so frustrated for treating me like dirt and told him (texted him actually) that he needs to get a cell to communicate with the kids cuz I don’t want him to hurt me anymore. I then regret saying all these things and start contacting him at night when I miss him, telling him that I love him but he only takes advantage to reject me and hurt me again….. I don’t want this hurting no more and surely don’t want to end in a vicious circle. please advise whats the best way to resolve our issues and continue with a healthy marriage.

    1. Estrella,
      I just replied to another message you left for Alice. But let me say again…it is time for boundaries Your husband’s half-hearted efforts at counseling mean it is probably going to be a waste of your time and money. We can work with you to make sure you are holding your husband accountable in the ways that matter and that you aren’t allowing him to control and manipulate you. This makes you look weak and unattractive to him. It is time to get his attention by taking some of your power back. Give us a call at 972-441-4432. My assistant, Becca, can get you hooked up with the right coach.

  52. My husband & i have been together for almost 12 years our 9 year wedding anniv is in 2 weeks. We split in 2010 after we were trying to have a baby and he cheated on me & i kicked him out. We reconciled after about 6 weeks. We really never discussed it and really worked out all the issues and they have just been building the last few years. We had an argument about 3 weeks ago and he left the next night. He has went through about 1200 in the last 2 weeks and has made our account very over drawn. We have talked and flirted a little here & there and also had relations a couple of times. Last night I went to where he is staying to get my debit card and pulled up behind him as he was parking and it was the girl he cheated on my with 4 years ago. he said he didnt mean for me to find out this way but hes been seeing her since 2 days after he left. But hes telling me that we can work really slow and maybe go out on a few dates to try and work through things. But then last night he said he wanted a divorce and that hes not been happy for a long time. I know we have not always been perfect but its not always bad either. We also became foster parents this march and have a foster baby. His 18 year old daughter also moved in with us at the end of july. I am so confused i know i have made the mistakes of saying i dont think our chapter is over and i think if we can work through this we will be great. He also said last nite that he wants to go to trucking school in a couple months when he gets laidoff and his daughter can help with bills so he can make money but he doesnt want to come home on weekends. I dont think he really wants out I think hes just going through something. I think he wants his freedom cause we didnt get to do anything this year like we have the past 9 years. I even just stepped down at my job so i could have every weekend off to help more with the baby and do more with them. Buthe says he loves me but not in love with me and isnt happy. what should i do. I love him with all my heart and dont want to lose him.

    1. Hi Jess, I am sorry to hear you are having to deal again with the infidelity of your husband. It is devastating when you find out your spouse has cheated. If you scroll down you will see my responses to Estrella. Your situation, too, sounds like it’s time to set some boundaries in the relationship. We can get you partnered with one of our coaches who can help you set those boundaries and engage your husband in a more effective way. I encourage you to give us a call. My assistant Becca can set you up for a free 15 minute consult call with one of coaches so you can learn more. 972-441-4432

  53. Can a marriage still be worked out if husband left? He comes around has sex with me then leaves the house with the excuse that he is used to being alone now and that he doesn’t feel right staying home with me. He often sends me mixed messages right when im about to make mayor decisions for my best interest, what should I do? I’d like to work out my relationship and have a marriage again but he keeps using me then rejecting me and blaming all the problems on me which puts too much pressure on me and I get depressed, what would you recommend please

  54. My husband moved out. I am giving him his space and we only talk about the kids basically. The problem is that before it was “too little too late”. Now it’s you don’t text me unless it’s about the kids or money, I thought you cared about me and you said you loved me. This is driving me crazy. To me it seems I am damned if I do and damned if I don’t. No clue what to do next or how long I can keep doing this.

    1. Amber, We see situations just like this often!! We can help you navigate through this confusing time. Give us a call at 972-441-4432.

  55. OK so my wife left me 7 months ago and moved with her family to Washington state with our son as well. The reason she left was because earlier on in our marriage I got caught talking to other women. So I didn’t fully open up and listen to her. And now she is with another guy and I’ve been trying to work on our marriage but she doesn’t talk to me or let me see my son. I decided to move up there since I can’t communicate any other way. I’ve been going to church and receiving counseling. And I truly love her and want to show her that I’ve changed and I that can be a better husband and dad. I’ve given my faith to god and I don’t want to give up on are marriage. Can I still save my marriage?

    1. Michael,
      I don’t know if your marriage can be saved but I know our system works if anything will work. Schedule a coaching session and see if you like what we have to offer.

    2. I am in the same boat! I admitted my wrong, asked God to forgive me, asked my wife to forgive me. God did, she moved on and filed for divorce. Had I had an affair or done something really egregious I could see it. I violated her trust by keeping some financial trouble from her and some things from my past. I am praying for you.

  56. It seems to me that most of the information you provide is to help people that are still living together. I have been having depression and anger issues that consumed me and left me blind to realize i was hurting my wife. she left our home to stay with some family. I will admit most of the things you said not to do i already did not knowing until i read this. my question is how do you work on your marriage when one of the persons has left already how do they see the changes and the things your doing to better the relationship..?? is this a have your space and wait it out thing or do i try to catch her attention..?? any help would be great

  57. Hi there, I am trying to get my mind to ease and quiet but nothing seems to work.. maybe someone here could give me honest true advice… Me and my husband has only been married for one year and nine months. We’ve had a very rocky ride up until here but things seemed to have gotten better. We both made terrible mistakes. Last year, my husband wanted to divorce me because we were fighting every single day like cat and dog, it was horrible. We were fighting over a friend that he would spend a lot of time with. I felt jealous because we had just gotten married and he would do so many fun things with his friend instead of with me. Everyone was telling me my husband might be gay… I didn’t believe them. I’ve known my husband for 12 years already and we’ve been best friends for 10 years. But it was very suspicious. I tried every angle to try and figure out what was really going on. This hurt my husband and he wanted to divorce. I begged him to stay (yes I know it was a mistake) but I used emails to manipulate him into staying with me. The emails wasn’t meant to hurt him. I pretended to be someone else and I would share all my dreams with him about how amazing we are as a couple and how he should spend more time with his wife and be careful of this guy that he is spending so much time with. He then cut contact with this guy and things became wonderful. We became friends again and we really enjoyed each other, or at least, so I thought. I found out through those emails that he and this friend had kissed. I forced my husband through the emails to come clean about it and he did. Off course, it was very hard for me to understand and to forgive him, but I did. Long story short, he then found out that it was me who was writing the emails. He was off course furious and he said he could never trust a word out of my mouth again. He said that I forced him to be someone he is not. But even after that he still told me how much he loved me and wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. Things were starting to go really good, I thought he just needed time to forgive me as I needed time to forgive him… but then, a week ago he told me that he has filed for divorce and he won’t be going back on his decision. He said that he pretended to be happy and he is done lying to himself because he could never trust me again. He already moved out and I’m so completely broken up I don’t know what to think or to do. Any good honest advice? I really really love my husband and he told me two days before the divorce how much he loved me and how I should never be afraid or doubt his love for me. He says that he was lying but I know he wasn’t. I don’t understand this, is there still any hope left to save my marriage??

    1. It seems there has been a lot of deception and betrayal from both of you in this marriage. If you want to save the marriage, I would start working on YOU today! You have to be agent of change because your husband isn’t willing. One person can make small changes that have a huge impact on a relationship. I highly advise finding a good counselor who can help you. There are a lot of issues in this marriage but I always have hope. 😉

  58. I’ve been married 18 years, have three kids 16/15 and 12. The first 8 years there was emotional and physical abuse. After the physical attack I shut down, no longer wanted any part. He had come from a family that showed no love and the kids where emotionally abused. Because of this I tolerated situations. After the attack, I showed him how he was just like his father and that I wasn’t his mother and I would stand up for myself and the kids…I think he had an aha moment, he changed, slowly but he changed. 10 years later we are still together but I worry how my kids aren’t learning what a loving family should be like, he’s not the bully he used to be but still can belittle when the mood is right. The kids are to the point they ask why I stay, although they admit he’s trying hard to please. I’m 45 and at the stage where I’d like some space, to figure out what I want. I feel overwhelmed at home, feel like I have four kids, still an emotional wall that has made us still a sexless marriage, we had sex twice since beating and I cried the whole time. My question is, is it ok to take a few months for me and to try get our marriage back proper, i want wining and dining and made to feel wanted and loved, not like his mother that’s supposed to take care of him….

    1. Sandy,
      Taking some time is a great idea….and learning how to set boundaries is an even better one! Your husband has made changes and that is great…but it sounds like both of you need to do some work if this marriage is going to make it.
      All the best,
      Kim

  59. Hi Kim
    ive been married for three years now but we’ve been together for about 8 years. Hewants a divorce I dont. See we have been having problems for a while but we always said we fight but we love each other in the end so I thought we were fine…so here comes what set things off I had been contacted by someone from my past and we started texting each other for few weeks. Some of those txt became very inappropriate I didnt think anything about them as far as erasing them but long story short my husband read them. And he felt hurt and betrayed. And decided he had had enough. I felt awful. I wish I could take it all back I never meant to hurt him. I dont want my marriage to end I love him very much. I know I pushed him away for a while and it really has to do with my issues but I really never thought I was causing him so much pain. He also says that he didnt feel like I loved him. But I do I really do. What can I do?
    Norma

    1. Norma,
      Be careful not to brush off your actions or minimize them. Something made you reach outside of your marriage in an inappropriate way. For your husband to take your apology sincerely, you need to put some effort into realizing why you did what you did and how it affected him. I advise seeing a counselor or coach. We can help you with that! Give us a call. 972-441-4402

      1. he doesn’t want to listen to me. and i don’t brush off my actions. i think since we were already having problems and i knew this person from way back it seemed easy just to fall into inappropriate conversations. that’s definitely not an excuse at all i know i did wrong. but i never wanted my marriage to end. my deeper issues come from me being angry at him and at myself. things happened to me as a child and it all started to come back to me after we got married. we also had gotten preg and during a breakup and he didnt want it so we got rid of it and somehow all these things plus the lit fights just made me angry and start pushing him away. not because he was doing something wrong necessarily but because i cant be in my own skin. i really love him and i want him to listen to me and try to understand me a lit. he says therapy doesn’t work he says that he wants to be able to think for himself not someone for him. now he listens to his mother a lot and she puts a lot of negative things in his head as well. her answer to everything is oh well if you don’t love each other anymore then break up. i need help. i feel that if my marriage does end i might do something drastic. and i hate thinking that way
        Norma

  60. my wife and i have been married for 15 years and in the early part of our marriage i had an affair and we decided to stay together and work it out well its been 11 exhausting years and she left me three weeks ago and now wants at first wanted a separation but when i had an issue with that we push each other apart and now we decided to divorce im devastated because that’s not what i wanted but when i decided to let her go she has been at my house everyday nd even stayed over and slept in my bed (nothing happened) and says she love our new found friendship. I’m like in a spot what do i do from getting the wrong idea and how do i protect myself?

  61. My wife and I have been married 10 years. I have made some mistakes that have been very hurtful to her. Three months ago she asked for a 6 month trial separation so we could come back and try to save our marriage. I agreed in an effort to show her my willingness to change. I have been working very hard on changing, and have made significant strides. I sincerely believe that if she was around me, she would at least take a wait and see attitude. She just told me that she now wants divorce. I believe that if I were in the home she would see my changes, and I would be able to serve her. I want desperately to save my marriage, but I’m afraid that telling her that I am moving back in will be destructive. Do you have any advice for handling this situation?

    1. Adam, I don’t think you should announce you are moving back in after she has asked for a divorce. This will only make her want to proceed with the divorce more quickly. There are lots of things you can do instead but we never give specific advice like this without having all the information. I would run from anyone who would. The best thing you can do now is work with one of our coaches who can get all of this information and then walk you through the next steps. Call us at 972-441-4432.

  62. Hey,
    I’m having such a hard time in my marriage. My husband and I fight over the littlest of things but it turns into a bigger fight because things are never talked about but held in. And it ends up turning into an “I hate you” “I want you to leave” kind of fight and we say hurtful and rude things to one another. It has been happening for atleast 5 months now. I’m not sure on how to fix this problem. We never talk about things together and when I try to talk to him he gets upset and yells at me. I’m so emotionally drained it’s not funny. Also I’m not sure how to react to him studying with another girl alone by himself. He also texts her too. Please help.

    1. Kali,
      I hope you will call us and schedule a free consult with one of our coaches and counselors. We absolutely can help you with this! 972-441-4432.
      All the best!
      Kim

    2. Hi Kali.
      I’m sorry to hear you are struggling. It is really important to fight fair with your husband. It’s never ok to threaten to leave or tell him you hate him. If he is saying those things, calmly tell him you aren’t speaking to him that way and would appreciate the same courtesy. If he refuses, remove yourself for a time being. It’s really important you guys get some help in learning how to talk about these things. I think it is appropriate to be concerned that he is studying with a girl and texting her. Don’t ignore your concerns. Ask him to go to counseling with you and if he won’t participate, go alone. Just make sure you find a relationship counselor! You can work with one of our coaches over the phone. Call us if you want more information. 972-441-4432.

  63. hi,im also suffering with my marriage,my husband and i have been married for 9 years..he is not happy anymore.it started when he lied to me about a girl in their work. i ask him if he is with her that day, he lied..i confronted him, and started blaming me for not telling the truth. he said that i will get jelous if he will tell me the truth. I know that they dont have relationship, but i still talk to the girl and ask if he has something to do with my husband.i also talk to his boss its confirm if hes really lying. my husband got mad and told me that he got embarassed of what i did..now he’s threatening me.he wants me to leave the house with my two children.ive been suffereing from a verbal and physical abuse for a long time. but i dont want a broken marriage.i dont have anyone in my life..i gave everything in this marriage..i dont know what to do.i dont have friends to talk about this.im shy to tell anyone in my family too.i really need someone’s advice.i think im sick..

    1. Jean
      If you are living with physical abuse, you absolutely MUST do something to change things Even if it means a broken marriage. Hopefully, your husband will be willing to make changes, but if he isn’t you must be willing to make changes. Otherwise, the abuse will continue. I strongly encourage you to find counseling from a local source. Most communities have low cost and/or free counseling options available.

      Now that I’ve addressed the abuse, you need to know that involving your husband’s boss in this situation is entirely inappropriate. Jean, you have more power than you realize. You don’t have to take desperate measures here. It is only making things worse. But you do need to be willing to set limits in this marriage if you want to have any chance to save it. A counselor should be able to help you.

      Take care, Jean!

  64. Any advice you can offer me please? My husband of 3 years told me last week that he does not love me anymore and left the house to stay with a friend. I met him last week to agree to separate but not divorce. I love him very much and would love nothing more than for him to come home. We did not set any boundaries for our separation. Should we have? And how do go about approaching him now? I miss him terribly, but can also recognise that I was not giving him all that he needed emotionally. When we met, I told him I was going to take the time to work on this stuff while gathering support around me. (I am from NZ and have no family or many friends here in the UK) Please help 🙁

    1. Susan,
      You guys have discussed separating but have not set any boundaries? So, how long will you be separated before you make a decision to reconcile or divorce? Will you be dating or spending any time together? Will you go to counseling? These are only some of the issues that should be discussed. As far as approaching him now, it can be tricky. He is probably wanting some space and doesn’t want to feel you are pursuing him. It is important that you do not give him the impression you are desperate or clinging for him but I do think it is reasonable to ask for a discussion about boundaries. Susan, I highly recommend you work with one of our coaches to help you navigate this discussion. I can only speak to generalities here. Good luck! 😉

  65. My husband and I have been married for almost 7 years. We have always had a “love-hate” relationship. This past weekend, my husband told me that he is unhappy, doesn’t want to be in our house anymore and if he had the money he would be gone. My husband is a good man and father and has never “really” done anything to me for me to treat him as I did over the years. I have a very bad temper/anger issues and say things I shouldn’t when I’m upset. I have also been known to always want things “my way”. My husband has given me multiple chances on changing but everytime I have failed to do so. He is fed up! Wanting out and frankly I don’t blame him but I DONT WANT HIM TOO. This past “fight” if you even call it that- because he isn’t talking to me has opened my eyes. I have started counseling for myself this week and have had no outburst towards him this week. But he feels if this blows over, i’ll just go back to my old ways. I’m trying my best to take this one day at a time and not smother him but what should I do? I don’t want to push him away for good. When he is at work, I send a text saying I love him- he never responds back. Or I call once, and he never answers. I haven’t been seeing him at night because he has been working night shift. So I see him for like an hour in the morning. I try to talk to him but I get little response. Please help me save my marriage! Any advise would be greatly appreciated.

    1. There really isn’t anything you can do….except support your friend. It is so tough watching someone you care about go through something like this. But people have to make their own choices. Your friend is lucky to have you!

  66. Hello Kim,
    I need your help. I have been married to my husband for 13 years and we have 4 wonderful kids. To start off he was in the Marine Corp. for over 16 years with 5 deployment in which 3 of them was in Iraq. He suffers from PTSD depression and everything else that comes with it. I try my best to take of him and his needs as well as taking care of our kids. I do work work full time while he is now medically retired he stays home with the kids, takes them to school in the morning and majority of the day he’s just home. He very rarely goes out maybe once or twice a week if that. Our marriage is not perfect although we do try to make it work for our kids. We don’t fight all the time but when we do it’s bad and i’m always having to be the one to say,’Im sorry’ and i don’t mind it because i do love him very much and would try to make things better if i can. We recently went on a little vacation with the kids since they are on spring break. We had a great time actually it was one of the greatest trip we’ve had in a long time, we didn’t argue or fight or disagree on anything. The moment we got home i felt this really dark cloud and i just didn’t have a good feeling. The next day we were fighting over something so petty and small. I had already planned my day that day with cleaning the house and taking the kids out to the park and movies after. For some reason he thought i was mad because i cleaning and i never gave him any indication that i was because like i said i already had my plans that day and i figured he can have sometime alone. He said something like, i shouldn’t get mad because I’m cleaning and i’m sweating a little. That kind of just make me a little upset and told not to say that and he’s being a jerk. The next thing i knew he was slamming doors and yelling at the kids. I ask him why he’s mad and he told me that i made him mad. I followed him in the garage to tell him i wasn’t mad but he kept insisting. Something inside me just didn’t want to take it anymore that i’ve had it with him always saying I’m mad when i’m not. I didn’t know what happened it happened so fast. I saw a helmet and i threw at him. Granted i know it doesn’t excuse the fact and i feel bad and sorry about it. He threw it at me 4x harder and things just got out of control. At that moment i thought to myself he wasn’t the man i married 13 years ago, he wasn’t the husband i knew after he came home from his last deployment. I said some things to him that i shouldn’t have. I told him that i wish he had died in Iraq because he was never the same ever since he came home. I have ask god for forgiveness and my husband for forgiveness. He said he’s done with the marriage and wants a divorce. I have tried to talk to him but he just won’t hear me out. It’s been 3 days and i’ve been sleeping in the kids room. At this point i don’t know what else to do all i can do is let him be. Leaving with some with PTSD is very hard everyday i don’t know if i’m going to come home to happy husband or mad husband and some days are better than others. I tried to do the best that i can for him and take care of his needs. what can i do to make it better?

  67. My husband and I were doing okay, or so I thought. I caught him texting and e-mailing a co-worker from his job. He was cheating, but I don’t know if they actually became physical. I am devastated. He told me he wants a divorce and that he doesn’t love me anymore. I find myself being the one to stay and want to work things out. He refuses to talk to me and I know he gets upset when I even bring my feelings up or want to talk about saving our marriage. I feel completely lost and confused. What do I do? Anyone?

  68. Thank you Philip. I did a trip to the top of Mount siani where moses was given ten commandments. I found god but not even he can save my marriage. I’ve just about given up all hope. Does not get any easier at all ad the months pass 🙁

  69. Kim: My husband was abusive so last year i called the cops. He was charged but i had decided to help him in all possible way as i never wanted him to get arrested. We did not speak for 9 months and this year in january we started couples counselling after bail variation. The counselling started with lies. he never told the counsellor that were a domestic violence situation instead in counselling i was blamed for lot of things. i was blamed for not making joint account with him, i was blamed for not getting along with his mother (the truth is he hates his family) all i did is listen to him and be supportive of whatever he wants. He moved in with me this february and he groomed me to lie in the court. I lied in the court that he was not abusive. I drifted away from the truth as i was trying to save him from criminal record. I thought if he gets arrested then he will not be able to work in financial sector and it will put more strain on our marriage. The day charges got dropped he left me. We had an argument over incense ( i use it for my prayers)
    Now he is asking for divorce. He moved back to his parents house that very same day. And his parents are enablers. My mother-in-law never helped me when i went to her when he was abusing me. and now what he did they are not telling their son where his fault lies.
    Please tell me what should i do. I am finding it hard to move on. I do not believe in divorce.

    1. Joe
      We have launched a new website and the comment section was down for several weeks so I’m just getting this. Sorry for the late response. If you have read my responses in previous posts you know I can’t comment on individual situations on this public forum. But we can help you….you just need to call us and we can tell you how the process works. Hope to hear from you soon.

  70. Married to my husband for 7 years. We have a 4-yr-old. I’m the one that cheated on him and have felt extremely guilty and ashamed and every other bad word associated with adultery! But my delimma is that I want out. I don’t want to be with him. I of course want joint custody of our son (whom we adopted), but I want to break free of him. He’ll never admit he’s too controlling and stubborn. We do not communicate on a very deep level, but who was I fooling: it was like this in our dating years. I’d rather be alone than married to him. But I can’t stand hurting him. I’m seeing a therapist for ME. He has forgiven me and has been extremely nice, but it turns me off. What if I DON”T want to save this marriage???!! Am I such an evil person? What’s so difficult is that I am jobless (always had a job until now because of all his career moves), so I can’t move out. Also, we need to be able to co-parent our son. But i can’t bear to hurt him like this. HELP!!

    1. Sarah..you are not evil because you are wanting out of your marriage. But it doesn’t sound like you are in a place in your life where you can realistically do that. I suggest you see a marriage counselor/coach because you absolutely cannot know he “will never admit he’s too controlling and stubborn”. I’ve also worked with couples who have never communicated on a deep level learn to do just that. I don’t know if all of these changes will change the way you feel about wanting out, but you have to learn how to have some kind of relationship with this man because you do share a child.

  71. Kim – My wife and I have been married for a little more than 7 months, dated for about 3 years. In January she told me she started seeing a marriage counselor. This went on for a month and in February we had a big blow out. She threaten to leave unless we get some help. So I found a marriage counselor (different from the one she had seen) and we went for about 2-3 months. Nothing got better. We spent most of the time talking about our fights in between sessions and were not given any exercises or homework. Our fights continued. It all geared around my negative behavior, reacting negative to when I did not get my way, and always wanting to get her to see things my way. My wife told me she needed me to find out why I do that and get to the root of that problem. I have truly done that! I know that is controlling and I am working with a counselor on that. My wife moved out 2 1/2 weeks ago. Now my wife has told me she does not know if she can move past the past and get over her resentment towards me, that I created in her. I have only called once, left a card on her car, wrote and mailed two love letters that were deep and personal, I have sent two texts (just to say, I hope you sleep good and good night…I love you). I have told her I am going to fight for our marriage and for her, and I won’t give up on her or our marriage. I have not gotten any responses from her other than one darn phone call to tell me she was going to file for divorce this past week and to tell me she is not in love with me anymore. Today is my birthday and I feel so alone. I cry uncontrollably all the time, I cannot think straight, I cannot sleep and sometimes I cannot breathe. I want my wife back! I want to reconcile with my wife! I love my wife to the moon and back! I would gladly make the ultimate sacrifice for my wife if it meant she could live!

    We live in Kansas. Is there anything I can do? What does her actions mean? What does her lack of actions mean? What does she want? Why is she not talking to me? Is there anything you can say to give me hope? Is there anything you can do for my marriage? I know you are in DFW area, but I would be willing to drive there.

    PLEASE HELP ME!!!

    1. Bret…My assistant, Becca, will be contacting you. You may have not have to come to Dallas but that’s certainly an option. Stay tuned.

  72. I am desparate 🙁

    I have been with my husband for 16 years and been married for 5 years.
    I thought we were so happy together and we have been.
    Recently he went on a work trip where there is normally a party at the end of it and I didn’t go as I am no longer working and we didn’t have the money for the airfare.
    There are a lot of young pretty girls there and one in particular makes me uneasy. It could be the way my husband talks about there or the way he looks.
    Anyway he came back from the trip and all seemed ok, but he has been really distant since. I have asked him why and he insists it about work as he has a lot more responsibility – including managing this girl. I eventually asked him if he had feelings for her, which he denied. He got mad that I looked at his phone and I apologised and said I trusted him.
    Things were a bit better and he seemed to be trying. We had a couple of silly arguments over the weekend. He then went away for 2 days and went out partying with this group of people. He had promised to call me that night but didn’t and wouldn’t answer his phone when I called him – he said he was really drunk and didn’t hear.
    I was angry and said if he was away for a few nights, he should think about calling his wife and that I deserved more that that.
    He then said he wanted to have some time apart, and I said, you want to split up and he said yes. His feelings for me have changed. He had been feeling like this for the last month. He said he still loved me but he has changed. It isn’t me or anything I have done, it’s all him.
    I said we shouldn’t throw away 16 years and we could try harder but he said he has already been trying harder.
    Do you think there is any hope or should I just leave. He has suggested that he will go, but I am in a country where I don’t have a job and we moved here for his work. If we split up, I will need to leave the country and we will have no chance.

  73. I’m so confused. It has been so painful, trying to understand all that has happened that led up to my husband’s desire to end our marriage.

    I’ve held a steady job for 10+ years, took 3 months off for maternity leave, and am still working the same full time job now that our son is 5. I was patient and supportive of my husband as he struggled in jobs (before and since son was born), dabbled in then ditched the prospect of continuing education (beyond his high school diploma). He was a stay-at-home dad, and not a very efficient one at that. I was frustrated that simple and few household duties (one would have as a stay-at-home parent) were done by me, and time as a family (once I came home from work) was not a priority. Often, I would get home after work, and he would leave like a babysitter ending their shift.

    For years, I’ve felt like I’ve been lacking that equal partnership we used to have. As much as I was angry, and communicated so, I never saw his desire to make things better and find a balance with me. His lack of motivation and respect my decreasing affection and respect.

    I could have initiated separation and divorce years ago, but I believe in exhausting all options. However, we haven’t explored any options before he thought it was too late. I then proposed a trial separation if he didn’t want to work things out with me. He chose to leave, and intends to divorce.

    I don’t know if he even knows what he wants in life. I’m sad that marriage and family haven’t been his priority. I can’t change him or his mind. I can only hope that he changes for himself, and that leads him back.

    1. Theresa,
      It always amazes me to hear from people who are ready to call it quits on their marriage and family without trying every option to change things first. Unfortunately though, we hear this all the time. You are right…you can’t change your husband or change his mind…but you can start to change YOU and that often leads to changes in our spouse. I wish you all the best in your situation.
      Kim

  74. Please help me. Im not sure what to do. My husband left me and my daughter he went to live with his sister. He says he does not know what he wants anymore. He thinks he wants a divorce. What can I do? Is there any hope of saving or marriage?

    1. Kayla
      There very well could be hope! We see a lot of marriages turn around at the last minute, even in the situation you described. I think you should work with one of our coaches. They are expert at this and will work with you to make sure you aren’t doing damage and find out what works for you. Call us at 972-441-4432.

  75. Hi, I’ve been reading this and I realized that this will only work if the couple is together. What if they’re separate? as in, at the both ends of the world? I’m from Canada.

    Thanks. 🙂 I’ve been reading your blog.

    1. A-san,
      It depends on how separate you really are…if there is communication through email, texts, etc. Your spouse needs to see changes and if there is zero communication, it is impossible for that to happen. But maybe there is a way to start up communication again. Long distance certainly complicates things but we’ve seen some pretty amazing transformations of relationships that looked hopeless at first glance. Good luck to you! We are here to help if you are interested.

  76. My wife has been demanding for divorce. Her mom is in her 5 th divorce. 6 out of 8 sisters and brothers are divorced or separated. She was sexually molested between 4-7 years old. Depression is another issue. We have 2 boys a 12 and a 18 baby. She sometimes takes medication. When she is medication she is better. I put her down because she also put me down. I saw it coming because it is the example her family has given her. She said I always rejected her and I did most of the time due to frustration of living with siblings. I want to live in my own but she doesnt. She said I always rejected her due to weight because of newborn. Now she lost weight and dresses nice and look more beautiful for herself. She listens to seduced music’s of meeting others. I personally love her and prefer divorce and if we get together again it will be divorced. I dont see it happening. Im not begging her because I saw it coming since it is normal in her family divorce. Im tired and prefer her way. What is your opinion. She doesnt accept to complete treatment for depression. She invites me to family gatherings and if I dont go she wont go. She wants to continue cooking for me. I feel like she is confused. Im retired of this. Her father was never there for them. They saw domestic violence from step father and mom attempted suicides when she was a little girl.

  77. I don’t necessarily agree with this article 100% and I will tell you why. If you spend many months trying to work with your wife to communicate and have her express to you what is going on in her head and she doesn’t, the blame falls more on her than it does on me. This articles comes from a point of view where your wife/husband has been communicating to you their issues, the reasons why they are dissatisfied in the marriage and so on. If you are with someone who is a poor communicator and are trying to work on improving communication in the marriage, it doesn’t work well.

    1. Dear M
      I’m so glad you read the article! It sounds like you are dealing with a frustrating situation. When your spouse won’t communicate it can be very confusing, isolating and hurtful. It can be crippling to the relationship for sure. But this article isn’t based solely on communication. You need to start showing up differently in your marriage and actions are much more powerful than words. I would take the focus on what your wife is thinking and not saying and put it on the only thing you can control…you. Spend time thinking about the ways you have contributed to the marriage being where it is and work on changing you. Your wife may decide she is done, but at least you will know you have cleaned up your side of the street. That’s the only power you have here. Often times it is enough to turn the entire relationship. I hope it will be for your marriage too!

  78. My marriage is falling apart. We have been married 18 years and have two beautiful kids. They mean a world to both of us. However, over a period of time, I lost love for my wife but I never hurt her but lost physical intimacy. Last year she found pics of another lady in my email. This lady is her friend and we like each other but never want to break families. We just understand each other very well, better than our respective spouses. My wife feels cheated and hurt. She is convinced we had an affair. Her friend and me have stopped total communication but my wife is not able to get it out of her head. She wants me to show my love to her. Honestly, I never wanted to hurt her but her attitude now-a-days has become intolerable. She humiliates me, insults me, ignores me, snubs me and yet expect me to love her. She says if I don’t love her she will file divorce. I do not want my kids to suffer so I do everything she asks except the physical intimacy which I am not able to fake. I hug her kiss her talk to her and take all the crap yet she wants me to still come crawling and make love. How can I do that? I do not want my marriage to break for the sake of kids. But my life has become miserable and I am afraid the tension at home is affecting the kids too. I pray for them. I have lost my self respect, self esteem and just live like a vegetable.

  79. Hi Kim,

    I’ve been married for 5 years, and am lucky enough to have the 3 most precious children in the world.
    My spouse and I have sure had our roller coaster moments.
    The last 6 months have been pretty tough on both of us ( always arguing about something )
    But tough on the both of us has NO comparison to how it must look and feel to our kids. ( 3 under 4 years old )
    2 times in the last 3 months I have allowed myself to get so frustrated that I damaged some of our property, with the last one injuring my hand.
    Looking back on both incidents, I realized that my physical anger happened at the point where my spouse had enough of our heated conversations and was threatening to walk out the door.
    I realize that emotions should never – ever get to that level. And doing so, I gave her the thought that one time it could be her.
    I am currently seeking professional help to deal with and find out why I allow myself to advance to those levels from multiple professionals.
    Over the years we have changed, with some changes that are positive, but I believe more for the negative.
    My wife has met some new friends over the last 6 months that at first I was jealous of, but eventually found peace with it.
    But recently she has been going out with them to drink at house parties, clubs, and pubs. Only to return between 3 and 5 in the morning.
    She has never given me a reason not to trust her completely. I mentioned to her I was not comfortable with what she was doing and she didn’t seem to care in the least.
    She mentioned that she has been trapped in our house for 5 years raising 3 kids and that she thinks she deserves the right to go out and have fun.
    I agree with fun and friends in a healthy atmosphere, but if your drinking till the late a.m. I think it should be while your spouse is there. ( not as a babysitter but as a friend)
    Finally after many late nights without any sleep concerned of the potential mistake during late nights drinking without your spouse, she mentioned that she was doing it cause she hates me and she needs space away on her term and in her way.
    I was devistated to hear that the one person that I care about more than anyone hated me and needed to get away.
    It broke me, and I reacted on instinct and poor self control. ( damaged my hand )
    I am truly sorry for the lack of respect, taking her for granted, or ever even allowing us to have our first argument.
    She can be the most gentle, amazing, and caring person that unfortunately most people don’t get to see in they’re lifetime.
    I’m not a saint, and I’ve never had an affair but I love and care for my wife so much words don’t do it justice.
    I wish I could have stumbled across your site sooner, cause I’m afraid I have broken each and every suggestion that you listed.
    Reading what not to do was a mirrored reflection of what I’ve done.
    I’m in a pretty low place right now and don’t know today if it’s possible to fix this.
    I will continue to get help which at first intended to help her.
    However, I now realize that it’s not about her and never was. It’s about me and what I can change to come out of this a better person.
    I really hope the best for her, but I know we’re the best for the kids.
    This is so, so, so hard.
    I guess what I’m asking you Kim, even though I’ve broken every rule in the last 4 days………
    Is there any possible chance that I will regain the pure and loving relationship we once had together?

  80. I’m so lost.
    My wife of seven years wants a divorce and I’m devastated. We tried counseling together and after the first session she was willing to try and we had a fantastic week. Then after the second session everything fell apart. She quit the counseling together and chose to go alone. Now she’s back to wanting nothing to do with me.
    I’m a stay-at-home dad with 2 great kids – 1 and 6 – so all I do is think about our marriage all day. I too go to counciling solo, but she just wonders why I’m still trying when it’s obvious my wife wants out.
    I’ve changed many of my actions in the last two months hoping this will help, to no avail.
    What bothers me most is that she’s made a decision that affects the entire family on her own. She never talked about any issues she’s had, just surprised me one day with the dirty D word.
    From the second I heard that I’ve been 100% dedicated to becoming a better spouse and person, but my “abrasiveness” from the past – in her mind – can’t be changed.
    I just can’t understand how she’s giving up on us without even trying. When I made a vow to stick through thick and thin no matter what on our wedding day, I meant it.
    She apparently didn’t.
    I’ve always supported her and been her biggest fan. Now that she’s tasted success at work with several promotions recently, I get the feeling that she thinks she’s better than me now.
    I’m so lost.
    She’s the love of my life and she’s quitting on us. I never cheated, never violent great with the kids. I just can’t understand.
    She told me last night that she no longer wants to discuss the marriage unless we’re talking about the divorce arrangements.
    I quit my career to take care of the kids as she elevated through the ranks of her job, and now I feel worthless, like I have nothing to offer. My confidence is shot and I feel a shell of myself.
    I’m lost

  81. Hello Kim! I see alot of these stories are similar and some have gave me a good outlook but wanted to share my situation as well and maybe get some advise. My wife and I have been together for 6 years and had a friendshio before that. She even babysat my daughter after her mom left.. We evolved to this beautiful and almost story like relationship with unstoppable love and passion for one another with alot of smiles and laughter. We are a blended family, I have raised my step sons (2) from 6 months old and the other was 3 when we got together. I had a daughter. A few years go by and we were blessed with a beautiful son together! And I almost lost them during his birth! Scared the crap out of me. She had problem afterwards and I had to take care of her. She had an emergency c section. And I stepped up and done what I had to. And would do it agin if I had to! We started a business. then problems Started coming for me. My grandmother passed, then I become sick and had to have some surgeries. Which after the third surgery I ended up with financial problems a guy didn’t pay me some money for about 2 months of work. My vehicle was repoed. Couldn’t pay a loan I had. And basically had to start from scratch. She never once left my side! My ex gives us alot of problems and I want so bad to take her to court but I don’t have the funds to do so and its been a big problem Lately. I haven’t been here for her mentally for a while now. I’ve never stopped loving her and she definitely knows this. But after being sick I got lazy in a sense. I still go to work and come home. By the time we eat and kids ready for bed I’m normally falling asleep about this time. I’ve been the only one that works since we have been together. And her mom was killed by a driver that wasn’t paying attention! She has held alot of anger since and I know this doesn’t help our relationship! Most days are good with us and some are bad she will shut down and avoid everyone. But when she is good its like nothing at all is wrong. This woman is my backbone to life! She tells me from time to time how thankful she is that I do what I do for our family but then gets so angry and distant its hard to read. I know she loves me as I do her. I know that passion is still there but just covered with darkness! The other day she tells me she didn’t think she wanted to be with me any more, she didn’t want to talk to me, look at me or even be around me. She wanted space and some time. With me being kinda shocked I wanted to know answers, is there someone else, why, talk to me… Etc. She said there isn’t anyone else but the more I tried to find out the angrier she had gotten. Since Friday afternoon I haven’t spoke to her and she brought me home Friday night and left. I’ve resisted trying to contact her so she can have her time to think. I said I’d leave it to God! I can’t make her be here if she doesn’t want to be but that doesn’t change how I feel for her! Any advise?

  82. Hi Kim,

    I am going through a tough time. I got married in May 2015 and after one month my wife has shown her non cooperative attitude towards our relationship. Before marriage we had very less conversations. After marriage her lean towards attitude for her family was bit tough for me I always requested her to stay with me n spend some quality time but she wasn’t interested. Each time she picks any fault in me, such as I am not able to fulfill her wishes and etc. Meanwhile I got to know she was in touch with her ex BF n she is keep texting her. When I asked her not to do it as now we are married then she said it is very tough for her to forget him. I gave her time but she is not ready to stay here. when she went to her mom’s home last time she called and said she will never come back and portrayed a negative image of mine to her parents as I slapped her. Which is actually false. Now what I should do. My family to tried to convince her but all went in vein. It is being 3 months we are not together, In India it is very tough for girls to face this situation but she is doing it confidently…she always point that I don’t have good looks, Good Job and etc. Besides I already told her everything before marriage. Please suggest the action I dont want to get seperate.

  83. Everyone that has commented is so strong for doing so. My husband kept telling me that he loved me, but that he was not in love with me. He asked me do a divorce very often. I felt as if nothing I could do was correct. Finally, when I was considering how to make him happy, I went to have a discussion with my attorney. I asked to go to counseling. I tried anything I could think of. Coming from a divorced “family,” I was strongly against divorce. Nevertheless, I did what he asked and filed for divorce. He then started blaming me for starting the divorce process. I literally felt helpless. He was going out to bars without his ring, I am still wearing mine. The day before the divorce is to become final, he told me my Aunt told him I was going out and not coming home, when we were house sitting for my grandmother. This was a lie to make me look bad with the family. I trust no one and will in all likelihood never remarry. Yes, I wanted children. I simply will never be able to trust anyone, I don’t think. Is it too much to ask for a man to stand up for his wife? I stood up for him and would do it again. Just hurts. Papers will be signed tomorrow.

  84. Hi Kim,

    I am in the same shoes as everyone else on here. My wife and I have been married for almost 8 years now. We have 2 beautiful boys (3 & 6) and in early November, she said she wanted a divorce. I have been able to reflect and see what has drove her to this decision. We haven’t had the best marriage but I didn’t think it was bad enough for divorce. I have made so many changes since she told me and I know she is afraid that I will revert back to who I was but I know I won’t. My biggest obstacle right now is that she has started a relationship with a coworker and feelings are developing. Through this, she has alienated her family and we (me and her family) have essentially pushed her closer to this guy. She has lied to me and has been sneaking around to see this guy and it hurts really bad. I have been working with her family and began to bring them back to her. But I have made the mistakes that are common in begging for another chance and telling her I’ve changed. Telling her I love her and trying to cuddle her. I just need some help to get my wife back. I can honestly say I have never wanted anything more.

  85. My ex-husband and I have been together for 20 years. We divorced due to his drinking and wanting to leave. I wanted him to stop drinking because I could see that it was becoming a problem. I was dealing with severe depression and anger. We divorced. I went back overseas to my family, and missed him, so I flew back and he continued drinking. I went back overseas and again, I flew back. This time, it was different. We were happy, I got help for my depression and he didn’t drink. A year ago, he began his old habits. I told him that I didn’t want him to drink. He began smoking cigars, fine I could handle that. Then he began having a drink when we went out to eat, fine I could handle that. Then he drank during the holiday, like Christmas and New Year’s, fine I could handle that. Now he wants to drink whenever he wants in ‘his’ house. I set up counseling for us, but he now refuses to go. He wants out. The reason I don’t want him to drink, is because, one we divorced over it, two he got a felony over drinking and driving, and filed bankruptcy. The felony and bankruptcy occurred after we got divorced. I see him nose diving again. The second time we got back together an ‘agreement’ was made that I would be stable with my depression and he would not drink. He has decided to drink again. I can’t do it. I have done everything to make this work. He is done.

  86. Your all the same! I bet your wives begged you time and time again to hear her but you ignored her , for years ignored her . . .now you cry because she wants out !! WTH ? What do you except, it’s always about you !! … I’m never getting married again , men suck !!!

  87. I must say that I can relate to all of you… I have been separated for the last 5 months now and we have not talk at all about divorce or reconciliation. I hear from her friends and family members that she don’t want to get back, she feels free and getting use to being by herself… well I also think there is someone in the picture and what hurts the most is that I know that person (I wonder if his girl of 18 yrs will find out eventually). I could be wrong, but I dont think so. She will not tell me its over and I dont know why? All she says is I dont know what I want… this really sucks! I love her so much and always did… what broke us up with the hope of getting back together as she said she just needed some space. .. was the lack of affection I showed her. I was just not brought up on an affectionate family… but did show her by buying her flowers, teddy bears, gift in general.

    All I have now is my faith in God that He can turn the impossible into a great testimony.

    1. Praying with you brother. I haven’t spent any time with mine or talked in weeks…we tried a counseling session and she bailed. This crap is lonely, I must say..:but I am waiting on God to turn it around.

      1. I truly understand your situation. My wife bailed out too after 3 sessions and 5 months now and I see her further away from returning… but God has a funny way of turning things around when there seems to be no hope. We have to stay strong and have faith that nothing is impossible for him. You can call me if you ever need to let it out. 813 764 4086

  88. Hi I don’t know if this thread is still active but I hope so. My husband told me he wanted a divorce tonight & it is devastating! He then calmed down enough to say he wasn’t sure about a divorce but he does think we need marriage counseling. I never ever thought we would be in this position after 20 years of marriage

  89. When your wife tells you she wants a divorce, it is all over. Don’t even think about trying to, “work things out”. She has probably been in someone else’s bed for quite a while.

  90. Hi,
    My wife of 26 years dropped the bomb shell that she does not want to be married to me anymore, she has been suffering from depression and has been seeing a counselor and he has come to the conclusion that she has twenty years of pent up emotions and i am the route cause of this, yes stupidly i had a fling twenty years ago and i regretted that it happened and i believed we had gotten through this and we even moved to Canada with grown up children three years ago.
    some things have happened in Canada involving a neighbor who got into our business and i believe with the help of his friend created a dating profile online then told her about it, i had been told prior to her Knowing and tried to remove the profile to no avail and just made myself look like i had created it as she looked at the computer history and she would not believe me, he then spread rumors about me when i was laid off from work saying it was because i was looking at ladies breasts in the work place which was not the case.
    she is still friends with this guy and his partner and i have tolerated it for a year now as i did not want to rock the boat, i have done everything i can to please her and bent over backwards, bit my tongue and let her have her freedom and now she does not want me.
    we went to couples counseling as her therapist advised but she does not want to fix things she just wants to be friends and live together as such till the kids leave home, i am devastated as i love her completely and don’t want to lose her.
    where do i go from hear as she says there is no way i can fix things?

  91. I have known my wife since when I was 10 years old. She was the first girl I ever told i love you. I met her 20 years later but within our courting days she lost my trust. I kept on dating her with no plans of getting married to her but she got pregnant. So we got married and we had both great and bad times within a 3year period with our wonderful son. The issues I have with her are: trust issues-I confirmed she is highly decietful, she is not intelligent,she cant cook, spiritually lazy,mentally lazy. I also have my own issues like smoking weed which she was not happy about, financial challenges and lack of respect for her. Its really complicated, we have been seperated for over 1 month now. I know I can get her back. I love my son. But I dont think I can be happy with a woman with so much flaws.

  92. I just came across this website and got into reading what everyone is going through and I’m truly sorry. I was hoping for advice and help. I’m 28 years old I got married to my husband a very short time after we was dating. We fell head over heels for each other and haven’t even been together for two years and he is asking for a divorce. He is my first marriage we have been through so much together. I can’t handle this and don’t know what to do. I cry and think of him none stop. He’s done this several times then changes his mind and wants it then things will be going good then once again his mind gets changed. I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like i’m the only one hurting and crying. Can someone please help me?

    1. Hi casey I’m in the same boat here my hubby been changing his mind too but now it’s over as of Sunday I have to let him go

  93. I have no one to talk to (or anyone that I feel I can talk to).
    My wife told me yesterday that she wants to divorce me and I don’t know what to do. We have been together 10 years and married for 4. I went through a period of depression which was the start of our break down. This took a toll on my wife as I rejected her advice, her affections, her attempts in anyway to cheer me up. After a while she couldn’t bare it and said that if I don’t get help then it was over as she could take no more. This was the slap in the face that I needed and forced myself to act positively by seeking professional help. But while I was do so she said about us splitting up but still living in the same apartment as she couldn’t bare to not have me in her life. I told her that living with you but not being with you would destroy me. Instead I suggested that I move back to my parents for a while just till I sort myself out with the counsellor. And I also thought that being apart would would make us miss each other (absence makes the heart grow fonder kinda thing). This was the worst thing I could have done as it instead of my wife missing me she instead got use to me not being there. She turned to social media sites and made friends in order to deal with the loneliness. She never told me that she felt this way. She would later on say that she felt abandoned. And during this time she received affection from another man and a very brief affair began. I had suspicions and when I confronted her about it she admitting it and said that she had fallen for him as he gave her everything that I didn’t. I never blamed her for it or became angry, I told her that it was my fault that she turned to another man and I begged her to not leave me. After a month of uncertainty she chose to stay with me and work on the marriage. 8 months had passed and we were still separated. When I tried to move back in she she was use to the way life was and found the it hard. She still continued to talk to her friends on social media which by this point dominated her life. 2 weeks ago I confronted her saying that she picks her friends over me all the time. She talks to them and sees them more than me. I said that I felt I was being strung along and that she wasn’t making any attempts to repair our marriage. She asked for a bit of time to sort herself out to which I agreed. She calls me over the phone yesterday and said she has come to the decision of divorcing me for my own good. She feels that she has changed for the worse and was not the person I meet 10 years ago. She blames herself for the affair to which I said I hold no blame nor hatred towards her for it. She says that she is hurting me and feels I can do much better than her and should move on. I told her that she was the love of my life and the person I want to grow old and die with. She’s my wife, lover and best friend and life without her is unthinkable. She says she still loves me and always will. But she has made the decision and won’t back out of it.
    I have never felt so alone or afraid in all my life. I’m surrounded by amazing family and friends but selfishly I just want to be with my wife and no one else. I stupidly believe that there is a magic word or sentence that I could say that would make her change her mind. If she said she can’t stand to be with me, or that she doesn’t love me or if she found another. I could at least understand it. I can’t understand that if we still love each other then why can’t we work things out. She is no liar so everything she says I believe. I have cried so much that my eyes ache so much. I haven’t got out of bed for nearly 24 hours and every time I manage to sleep I dream of us just as a normal couple. amd after a moment of relief I then wake up only to realise it was a dream and then begin to cry again. I’m lost and so very scared. I thought if just writing this may help in any way then it would be worth it.

    1. I was just reading your story and I broke down and cried. It’s sounds very similar to what I’m going through. I’m on the very edge of divorce and it feels like a very real thing and it scares me to death. Been married six years and she has simply said that she “loves” me but is not “in love” with me. She recently started going out on the weekend and getting drunk with her friends and I’m not invited. I can’t stop her because we have a 3 year old and who needs to be watched. So it makes for many lonely nights all by myself while our daughter is sleeping and my wife is out doing whatever she wants. It’s left me with so much anxiety and sleepless nights. Then she is a total mess the next day and I have to take care of our daughter and everything else after no sleep. I keep hoping that it’s a nightmare that I will wake up from and everything will be OK again. But every time it’s the same. Supposedly the drunken weekend abandonment activities have stopped (it’s been a week) but now she seems more determined than ever to divorce me. I have to sleep in our spare bedroom now, while she sleeps with our daughter. It feels like a matter of time before the inevitable end. She changed into a different person and it does not feel fair at all. We tried marriage therapy. I don’t think it helped much, only to help her realize that she would rather be alone. IT SUCKS LOSING YOUR WIFE AND BEST FRIEND!!! I guess I am writing a reply to you because I’m going through the same thing, man. I don’t have many people to talk to and I have to get it off my chest somehow. I guess my advice to you would be to give her space and be respectful and do not beg for anything. It may not win her back but at least you can try to get in a healthy head space when the end comes. Realize that you can have a life without her and there are 4 billion other women in the world that would be lucky to have you, and dating is easier than ever with all the dating websites out there. You probably don’t want to think about that right now but your outlook on life will change someday. If/when it happens, It will suck, but you have to heal one day at a time. Good luck to you. Reach out if you need someone to talk to.

  94. My wife told me yesterday she wants a divorce after me spending 12 days at home with her taking care of her after foot surgery I will leave to go to work out of town and she tells me she wants a divorce she tells me she’s been thinking about it for six months now and I had no idea I’m completely devastated And lost don’t know what to do

  95. My wife and I recently married in February of this year. She joined the military and came back a whole new person… She tells me it’s not me it’s her. Before I could get a chance to read the thread above I went through her Facebook messages and seen a conversation with her friend saying (I can’t be with a man that can’t hold his own) and (im is not happy). I’ve been out of work because I had to watch my son but I did work part time and pay a few bills just to be broke afterwards. I blew up after the message and probably made it worse. She doesn’t kiss me hug me or say she loves me anymore. Before moving from one state to the next she said we can try to work on it but things are getting worse and she doesn’t want to talk about it. I’m so sad and don’t know what to do I still say I love her with no response and when I try to hug and kiss her she pushes me away. I love to work but being in another state with no resources is hard to find a good paying job. I don’t know what do…

  96. Reading all these comments really makes me wonder how this can happen. What happened to the days when people got married and worked through their problems? For example people who lived during wars and all they had were their families. There was no way to just discard your husband/wife. There was a sense of responsibility towards making your relationship work!

    I fell in love with a wonderful guy at the fresh age of 18. We have been together ever since and got married 2 years ago. We have now been almost 9 years together. A week ago he told me he does not have any feelings of love towards me. This he told me on the phone – not even to my face! He told me he can’t even look at me, that I should pack a bag and go stay at my friend’s place.

    I am heart broken! words can not explain my feelings. He says he does not think there is anything we can work on for our relationship. I feel like the life force has been slapped the hell out of me. I am trying to contact my psychologist, I really do need help. I have no idea how to cope with this.

    It is extremely painful to read how this is happening to so many people. Why are we humans becoming so detached from our partners? How can someone say they want a divorce over the phone and not want to talk about it? It is like I have been shut off from his world in a blink of second. I know we have rough patches but this I did not expect. It is like my heart has been ripped out in one go.

  97. Hi,
    So I previously posted about how my wife dropped the bomb shell and told me she did not want got be married to me and wanted to be friends
    After the initial pain and empty feeling inside I started to get on with life and get out and socialize, after a month my wife tells me she wants to try again over six months and see how it goes, I agree to this and everything is going well, we go to the movies the beach etc etc and all seems good, however she starts hanging round with her friend again and I get the it’s not working speech let’s be friends etc etc!
    I argue the point and state to her all was good till you started hanging out with your friend, she states that’s not the case, I ask is she seeing someone else and she says no!
    Later that evening she ask me to look at her I pad as not working, so I do and messenger pops open while I’m working on it and it soon comes apparent that her friend has introduced her to this guy who scuba divers, rides. Skidoo etc etc and now I’m pushed aside?
    How the hell does one A compete with mr action an B where do JG from hear

  98. I am at a complete loss as to what to do. My wife told me Friday that she wants a divorce and that there is absolutely nothing that I can do to change her mind. I told some lies pertaining to finishing my education to my mother (told her I was finished when i actually had about 3 month left) and she got caught up in it. Fast forward to august, I find out that she wants to start seeing other people and that she already had a “Lunch Date” lined up for that Friday (last Friday). She says that she is only going to be gone for an hour or two, but ends up not coming back until almost 7:00 pm and I am angry when she returns and ask “Where the hell have you been?” Well we get in a fight and she asks for a divorce. She is adamant about a divorce, but I don’t want it and I think this marriage is salvageable, but she doesn’t want to work on it.

    I am completely devastated and when we have to tell my step-daughter, she is going to be equally devastated. I just don’t know what to do, it feels like my entire world is falling apart and that there is noting that I can do. I am so overwhelmed with emotion right now. It is becoming harder and harder to keep from just loosing it and crying my eyes out in front of my step-daughter.

    I just don’t know what to do. I don’t want to lose my marriage, I don’t want to lose my wife.

    1. You are focusing too much on your wife. It is not your responsibility to make your wife loving you again. Love doesn’t work like that. Love only comes when it’s completely voluntary and not forced.

      You have to focus on yourself and become a better man that ever before! You have to show her that there is no man that is better than you. I’m not talking about money, wealth, cars and a house. These things is not what makes you a good man, but your actions is! The best way to win your wife’s heart is family! There are nothing more important and powerful than a family. A good family is priceless. No amount of money can buy that. Give love to her family and forget how much you have given. Make a good relationship with her parents, siblings and of course your step daughter. Like I said nothing can beat the power of the love of a family. If you can make her family love you more that she does, then she will clearly see that a divorce will be a big mistake.

      Remember money can buy you happiness, but it can never buy you true love. Even the richest man in the world can go through a divorce. True love doesn’t only arise from your spouse, but from her and your family united.

      Give and give and give love and keep on giving no matter how difficult the situation is. Show your step daughter what a real man and father is supposed to be. If your wife don’t want to talk. Then don’t talk. Rather talk to her parents, siblings and family. Show your wife’s parents what a real man you are and how proud they are for you taking care of their daughter.

      I wish you happiness no matter how difficult it is

      “Why do we marry? We marry in order to learn to love the world and to gain the qualification to love all people. (37-108, 1970.12.22)”

  99. Interesting post , I am thankful for the facts . Does anyone know where my company can grab a template TX Final Decree of Divorce No Children example to type on ?

  100. Together with my wife for 23 years. The first 20 years, was absolutely amazing till the cracks starred to show. Little things, like out of the blue, she stated, “I don’t like the tv on when I go to bed”. I have to sleep with it on, and after 18yrs (at the time), now your gonna tell me? Little subtle hints like that fall. I’m in the middle of knowing my wife has prepared to leave me. in so many ways, from the perpetual lies to flirting, at the time romantic dinners and diamonds where falling from every dinner. Currently together, but i know she is done. its in her eyes. She treats me totally different and very callused to me. In my heart, i know I have to let go…. or I will then consider my options and like many others own admittance, suicide was on the table and Oct of 2014, God didnt let it happen. Although my wife cared less and at the moment of myu weekness actually argued to the point of checking out men, no, “Hot Men” was ok to do and to flirt with them. Gets real when they do it in front of you to belittle you with her eyes on another man… Through the mess of my love life and at my own doing, it sux to be in love with someone who isn’t in love with you anymore. I went thru this the first time in 1993 with my gf of 10 yrs. When I met my current wife, SK, She showed me what love was. I believed in True Love ever since. My friends made fun of me, told me it would come out some day, and behold they were right. My Utopia ENDED… with a grin and a smile, my wife’s truths destroyed my heart forever. All her issues she had with me where built on years of resentment and not putting it on the table and fixing it. That much time frustrations turns to hate. in effect, She does. My point is. We are all flawed, some hurt people and other try and preserve the hurt. But loving back a person who has turned the switch off is a complete pain rehash and agony nobody should endure.

  101. Okay well .Im the one asking for the divorce .We separated once because he started cheating on me and the we started having physical artercations.He didn’t know I saw him during lunch at his sister in laws house with her and one of her friends there .He started making fun of me but a way that he wouldn’t think I wouldn’t understand .So I just walked out with my child.We got back together in a year and a half.Idk what to do anymore .Like I havent been more decided to leave because I’m always feeling he doesn’t want me around .He doesn’t want to talk to me during his lunch only for like ten minutes and that’s why I want to leave because i don’t want to follow him and do the same things I did before.He already has talked to other woman behind my back and my therapist told me I’m in a abusive relationship ,but the therapist was because I got raped by someone that I new after I tried leaving him because he started talking to other woman and I decided to talk to this person.I came back with him because well the reason for the rape was because I told the rapist I loved my now husband he got mad.After my husband started talking to other woman again .I hit him with a broom and told him to leave and I went to jail because I was going to pay the rent with no job and pregnant and he tried staying.we got back together and he started to talking to the same woman .So I forgave then he started talking to another girl.so I got upset and through a plate this was right after my child has been born.I forgave him even though I didn’t want to .A couple months have passed and lately he doesn’t to talk to me during lunch .He doesn’t want to add me on any social medias and has no pictures of me but many woman as friends and adds them .He told me he has changed but in reality I don’t trust him. We have been having a lot of sexual problems and it comes normally from him .I want a divorce because I feel like he only wants me for papers and he’s okay with lieing to me telling me that he loves me when he doesn’t.now he cleans a lot on the weekends but even during the weekdays I feel like he doesn’t want me .he is a good daddy and works very hard.idk what to do .So i think the best idea is to just leave and start a new life with my children.I don’t want to check up on him anymore .I feel like I stuck up for the wrong person .i haven’t caught him since I think august of last year ,and I feel like I just can’t look after him like a kid I want a man.So I’m asking for advice .theres a lot more to this and the reason why I’m looking for advice .i completely out of it because lately I have been forgetting everything and I have to go to a headache specialist I know it sounds like a story but it’s my life.

  102. Last night my high school sweetheart told me he wants a separation and that this is no longer working for us. We have been married 22 years and have a 13 year old daughter. Our relationship has always been rocky and true…neither one of us ever really show each other the love we deserve. There have been times I have demasculated him and he has a serious anger problem…were basically both messed up. But amongst all that, we have loved one another and still remained best friends. He has never questioned our marriage although I have many times but for the wrong reasons. Usually to get validation that he truly loves me. I know that this is wrong but now that he wants it over and he is hell bent on ending things, I am destraught. I cant imagine our lives apart or not as a family. Its just always been us, and I know I have a lot of work to do to fix me but he wont even consider—yet— whether he wants to continue to put in the effort. As i write this I am sitting in an empty house which we just bought. Yep, another twist to the story! We are waoting for our household goods to arrive so we dont even have our stuff yet he is ready to put the house up for sale by owner. The oddest thing is that he put us in so much debt just recently and now he wants to end it. Since were in transition, I have no job and he keeps asking me what I want…when all I want is for him to come back home and say he wants to go to therapy or work on us. But i feel its a little too late for that. Anyways, I dont know what will happen or whether or not I can take living under the same roof if he decides to stay here. Either way, im grateful for finding this info and I am hoping to try and use it to repair whatever shred is left

    1. J, it sounds like there is a lot of water under the bridge for you both. Before you either throw in the towel though I encourage you to do everything you possibly can to make the marriage a new one that will work for you both. 22 years and a 13 year old are 2 good reasons why. My team of counselors and coaches work with many couples where one or both parties have given up hope and yet, after our work, are able to see what got them to they place they are in and find hope on how that can change. Please consider giving my office a call. Depending on your location, either one of my coaches or counselors can help you figure out a plan. Wishing you the best, Kim

  103. My wife and i have been married for 3 years together 4, we have always had a rocky relationship, we met online we talked for 6 months and she moved to my state alone with no other family but me. we went through a lot of ups and down, and my family would always bring her down i never defended her from my family, she tried and tried to make me change and i didn’t recently she went back to her state where family lives and she decided to not come back and she said she didn’t love me anymore, she wasn’t in love with me anymore, and she wants a divorce as soon as possible and she is with another woman already, idk what to do? does anyone have anything that can maybe help i just want my family back we have a beautiful baby girl together and she took her with her because i haven’t adopted her yet. what can i do.?

    1. Karen, I’m so sorry to hear you are going through this. Having a spouse walk away is devastating. Our work with clients in situations like this focuses on YOU – empowering you to make changes and decisions that have the potential to positively impact the relationship and your spouse as well. If you’d like to talk to one of my coaches, please call the office 972-429-4733. Our coaches offer a free consultation to give you a chance to see if our service is the right fit for you. I wish you the best Karen.

  104. I just read a lot of these posts d scrolled through pages without having to read. We are all going through similar life changes. When a partner gives up on you without putting in effort to save the relationship, without putting in effort to honor marriage vows, without putting in effort to show compassion for someone who sacrificed so much for them. My husband of 5 years wats a divorce too. After I gave up so much of my life and moved from one state to build a life with him. His family and “friends” who were all single played parts in creating friction in our marriage. Abyways he made a 360 degree turn on me. Now he wants out, no ifs and or buts. No discussion, no counseling, just out. Meanwhile he says it has nothing to do with another woman. Trust me it always does. I have found that he has 10 or more profiles set up on dating sites, has emailed and communicated with women from these sites, and even reached out to a buddy with benefits from his past since we have been married. As much as I wat to save my marriage and believe that marriage should be for lifetime I see that his ways are engrained. He knows that I know about the profiles online and does not care. People like my husband are insecure, emotionally and mentally unstable and should be locked away some where from morally decent people. Immoral people should have there own place to hang out and hurt and screw each other. This man was surely a wolf in sheep’s clothing. I would have never married him and uprooted my life and my children’s lives had I known he was capable to stooping so low.

  105. Been Married now 17 years with 4 kids. Three were from a previous marriage, but they were very young when we got together, and treat me as a father. Also we and her Ex are close, I know weird, but it just works for some reason. She is self admitted very selfish, and basically wants no one to rely on her and she want to rely on no one. I am a dad and husband thru and thru. Despite her selfishness I can not think of a day without her. She is smart, whitey, and beautiful. Now to top it all off she does this the day before my birthday. I don’t think that she did this on purpose, it was just bad timing. Now the kicker is that we just moved 1000 miles away from all our fiends and family 8 months ago. We also still have one child in high school. Thank you all for listening!!

    1. Rob, I’m sorry to hear you are going through this. And to get the news the day before your birthday is salt in the wound and being so far away from friends and family makes the feelings of lonliness and isolation even worse. Self care first. There are tangible things you can do to help give your marriage a fighting chance even now. I’d encourage you to call and arrange to work with one of my coaches who can walk this road with you. Warmly, Kim

    1. That’s wonderful; I am so glad we’ve been helpful to you. Thank you so much for the positive feedback. Warmly, Kim

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